Face Jokes
173 face jokes and hilarious face puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about face that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
These face jokes poke fun at how you look when you're scowling, long-faced, or even as you confront someone. Get ready to laugh as you read a collection of jokes that take a funny look at your face and the expressions you make with your eyes.
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Funniest Face Short Jokes
Short face jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The face humour may include short skin jokes also.
- So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
- What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
- I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party. Everyone came, you should have seen her face.
- My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
- When I asked my daughter what she wanted for dinner, she said with a straight face, "uncooked boys." Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
- I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
- My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking And then I saw her face...
- After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
- My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
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Face One Liners
Which face one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with face? I can suggest the ones about appearance and figure.
- Why does Batman leave his lower face visible? So cops can see that he's white
- Break ups are the worst in China... You see her face everywhere.
- What does Chris Rock have on his face right now? Fresh prints!
- Face is a four letter word. But preface is a foreword letter.
- I first noticed I was going bald When it took longer and longer to wash my face.
- Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless
- Had to quit my job at the watch factory. The guy sitting opposite me, kept making faces.
- I finally figured out why I look so bad in photos. It's my face.
- How to be cool: A) Make the sunglasses face
B) - My face is so oily The US wants to invade it.
- My wife woke up with a smile on her face this morning. God I love sharpies.
- The guy who took Pelosi's podium faces trial next week But he won't be taking the stand
- Why did Captain Kirk's girlfriend break up with him? Because he Shatner face.
- Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...
- A Mosquito landed on my wife's face... Easiest decision of my life..
Your Face Jokes
Here is a list of funny your face jokes and even better your face puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery... The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
- It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting it's a boy it's a boy with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.
- Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed? Because her algaebra didn't hold up.
- My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?" My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago - If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
- - I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.
- Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks why the long face? Horse replies, The bank denied my home loan because I don't have stable income.
- The recipe said, Set the oven to 180 degrees. Now I have no idea what to do, because the oven door is facing the wall.
- Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"
She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter." - "Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
Long Face Jokes
Here is a list of funny long face jokes and even better long face puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family." - I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face... when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her if she knew how long it took for the birds to grow once the seeds have been planted.
- A pony goes into a bar, and the bar tender asks him why the long face? I didn't make it into the men's choir.
Well, you are a little horse. - A horse walks into a church... Priest says, 'Why the long face?'
Horse replies, 'Evolution'. - A Centaur walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him "So, why the long face?" I'm half horse...the wrong half.
- A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?" "Because alcoholism has destroyed my life and my family. Let me get your rail whiskey."
- A Racehorse walks into a bar... The Bartender says, "Why the long face, your housing seems stable and your life seems on track?"
- Rob Lowe, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Robert Downey Jr. Walk up to the bar at the Governors Ball.... The bartender looks at Sarah Jessica Parker and says "Why the long face?"
- Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar The bartender asked, "why the long face?"
- This never gets old A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face"
Horse Face Jokes
Here is a list of funny horse face jokes and even better horse face puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A horse walks into a bar... And the bartender says to him "hey why the long face"
- A man walks up to a horse and says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My wife left me."
- Another horse walks into a bar The barman says "why the long face?"
and the horse replies "because my entire family were killed and served to customers in Subway. - A horse in a bar A horse is standing at the bar when a man walks up to him.
"Why the long face?" he asked jokingly.
"I'm stage four terminal and my wife left me, taking everything with her." - So, a horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?" And Ann Coulter just flips her hair around while trying to remember when her parents told her she was pretty.
- A horse was in a horrific accident. I'm too tired to write the whole story.
Basically, the bartender goes, "Hey, pal. Why such the long face?" - Today Donald trump Called Stormy Daniels a horse face and I find that highly offensive... To horses everywhere who now have to deal with the stigma of now being compared to stormy daniels.
- A horse walks into a bar... "1 whiskey" - says the horse
"Why the long face?" - the waiter asked
"My wife killed herself because of my alcoholism" - What do you say to a sad horse? Why the long face
- Do you think horses feel remorse? They have such long faces.
Straight Face Jokes
Here is a list of funny straight face jokes and even better straight face puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.
- My friend recently came out and said he was gay. But I didn't believe him because he said it with a straight face
- Why are closeted gay people good at poker? Because they're always putting on a straight face.
- A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16. Nuttin the dad responds with a straight face.
Thanks Dad the son says as he gives the dad a hug. - My friend says he's not gay, but I don't believe him. He can't keep a straight face.
- I was gonna tell a 'hetero' joke for the last day of pride month.... But I couldn't keep a straight face.
- My parents didnt take me seriously when i came out It was because i couldn't keep a straight face
- Did you hear about the lesbian who couldn't stop laughing? Yeah, she couldn't keep a straight face!
- How did they catch the gay prankster? He couldn't keep a straight face.
- "I had to keep a straight face." -my bi friend who's in the closet.
Hilarious Face Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about face you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean aspect jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make face pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We were having s**... the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a h**... and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying yeah this isn't really for me, I'm not having 67 more of those in my face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was this girl I liked in kindergarten..
One day it was nap time and I gained enough nerve to sleep next to her. She didn't do anything. The next day at nap time I decided to kiss her on the forehead and sleep under her blanket. Again, she didn't do anything The next day at nap time I put my b**... on her face. Let's just say that's the end of my teaching career.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...
Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"
Jimmy approached his teacher
After looking at the syllabus for their next lesson on graphing, Jimmy approached his teacher with a stern look on his face and said, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife gets n**...
…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my s**... body?'
Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. So is it true what they say about black guys?
He responds, Sure is. Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.
My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Why are ships' portholes round?
So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I've never begged to have a lentil on my face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a massage last week...
and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an e**... normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?
A bullet walks into a bar, depressed.
"Why the sad face?" asks the bartender.
"I got fired."
A girl from Alabama asked me if I found her attractive.
I said, "You've got a face only a brother could love."
One, day little Johnny asks his father,
"Daddy where do i come from?"
The mother and father, had been preparing for this, for a very long time.
"Well son, when a Man and a Woman love each-other very much..."
After explaining the details and science to his Son, who had a puzzled look on his face the Father turned to his child,
"Well son, does that answer your question?"
"Not really Susan from school told me she came from Italy."
I really thought Monica Lewinsky should be on a dollar..
but she's already had her face on a Bill.
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY! I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"
And with tears streaming down my face, I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little black kid is helping his mum cook and he puts flour on his face and says "look ma, I'm a white man"
She slaps him and tells him to go say that to his grandma.
He goes to his grandma and says "look, I'm a white man". She slaps him too and tells him to go tell his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad, I'm a white man" He slaps him too and asks "what have you learned?"
The boy says, "I've only been white two minutes and I already hate you black b**...."
I met a pretty girl.
Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.
All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her.
Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.
Some people are like slinkies
Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs
I lost my watch at a party.
After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
Chicken and an egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a cigarette. The egg, with a dissatisfied look on it's face, rolls over and remarks, "Well, I guess we answered that question."
What does the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend
Flush
I heard this from my 11 year old cousin, the look on his mom's face after he told me this made my day.
Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...
* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
My daughter always said she wanted to see her name up in lights...
You should've seen the smile on her face when she turned to look at me and say:
"Daddy, what's an 'Amber Alert'?"
A Horse Walks into a Bar...
He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?"
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, "Y, the long face."
A Russian goes to a watchmaker.
He says, "My clock is defective. It only goes 'tic...tic...tic...tic...' unlike the others, which go 'tic...toc...tic...toc...'."
"No problem", says the watchmaker, taking the clock from its owner.
He then shines a light in the clock's face and says menacingly, "We have ways to make it toc."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"
Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...
Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"
He said "I am very hungry."
"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.
I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today!
He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.
My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta
Apparently the Dad jokes never stop...
I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Wife needed something to cheer her up...
That's why I surprised her with a b**... party. Everyone came. You should've seen her face.
My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: 'You're on drugs again!!!' She could be right..
I'm an only child.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you look at your wife's face when you are having s**...?
I did once and she looked really angry.
Why angry?
Because she was watching from the window!
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse screams, "I will end you!" And bites the bartender in the t**.... A priest, a nun, and a rabbi who were just approaching the entrance quietly turn and walk away as the horse shakes the bartender vigorously back and forth screaming, "why the floppy head?! Why the floppy head?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, s**..., but it's not your turn."
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."
A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, Whats that hairy thing mom?
Mom replies, That is my sponge.
Oh yes, says the boy, The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
My friend set me up on a date. He told me she constantly make Shrek references. I was pretty sceptical
but then I saw her face
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.
How about a q**...? asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.
His friend leans across the table and says, Dude, it's pronounced quiche .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl asked her boyfriend "Which do you love more, my pretty face more or my s**... body?"
Boyfriend - "I love your sense of humor most"
What do gun owners and vegans have in common?
They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.
What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?
An everlasting job stopper.
With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, What's that?!
He whispered, It's exactly what it sounds like.
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday,
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom opened the door and caught me m**....
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
Last night I dated a blind woman
At one point she ran her hands over my cheeks and mistook my acne for braille. Boy, was my face read.
Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.
Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.
The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.
Man: And that frees me from my sin?
Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called,
'Mark has read'.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.
"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me to stop singing "I'm a believer" or she'd kill me. I thought she was joking...
...and then I saw her face...
My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.
I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."
Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.
"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.
"Me!" piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. "Can I leave now?"
A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.
His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.
Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.
"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.
"It's . . . nothing," he says. "I can't burden you with my problems. It wouldn't be fair."
"*Your* problems?" the wife says. "We are partners. We face everything together. Your problem is my problem. There is no I, just we. Now please, tell me, what is it?"
"Well," he says, looking up at her glumly. "we got our secretary pregnant and now she's suing us for support."
Joke translated to English from German
A blonde is driving home when she gets pulled over by a police officer.
"Mam, may i see you driving license?!"
"What's a driving license? "
"You know this thing in your purse with your face on..."
She starts digging through her purse, finds her cosmetic mirror, and hands it over to the policeman.
The policeman takes a look at the mirror and responds-
"Should have told me right away your a police officer too "
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
