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Face Covering Jokes

62 face covering jokes and hilarious face covering puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about face covering that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Face Covering Short Jokes

Short face covering jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The face covering humour may include short face mask jokes also.

  1. Pandemic fun CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
    SHOP ASSISTANT: that's the supervisor.
  2. The Reason Batman Does Not Cover His Whole Face is Because He Needs The Police to Know That He Is White.
  3. Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.
    Nobody would survive anyway.
  4. Lawyers Do you know why lawyers wear neckties in court ?
    So the f**... doesn't cover their face

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Face Covering One Liners

Which face covering one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with face covering? I can suggest the ones about wearing mask and masks.

  1. Why was Seal's face covered in Mexican rice? Because he was kissed by arroz.
  2. Why doesn't Batman cover lower part of his face? He is vaccinated.
  3. Men with beard look good. Because it cover half of their face !!

Face Covering Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about face covering you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean covid masks jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make face covering pranks.

On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other.

The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack. The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack. The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city. The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "g**..., I didn't!"

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator.


Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to f**....
Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy.
Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell.
A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face.
"Holy cow! What's that smell?"
"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?"
"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming n**... as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his g**... looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large pile of $10 bills ....

He asks the bartender what the pile of money is about, and the bartender tells him, "We have a long-running contest here. You put in $10, and if you can complete three tasks, you get to walk away with the whole pile."
"What are the three tasks?" asks the man.
"Well, first you have to go over there in the corner, grab that large bottle of tequila, and c**...-a-lug the whole thing in one go without making a face.
"Second, you have to go out back where we keep Killer, our crazy mongrel wild dog, and extract one of his teeth using only your bare hands.
"If you get this far, you're going up to the fourth floor. There's an 80-year-old woman living there. She's a v**..., and you have to deflower her."
"Fine," says the man, "I can do this." He throws down his $10, goes over to the corner, grabs the tequila, and downs the whole thing without making a face. The bar patrons give him a light round of applause.
Already feeling tipsy, he stumbles to the back door. For the next three minutes, horrible, guttural animal sounds emanate. He stumbles back in, hair wild, clothes torn to shreds, covered in cuts, bruises, and blood, and growls, "Alright, now where's that old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"

Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.
About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".
"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."
"Yeah?", says his buddy.
He replies, "Well.....I didn't".

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...

Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your g**...?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."

Are my .....

A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
Patient: Nurse (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) are my t**... black?
Embarrassed young nurse: I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet.
Patient (struggles again to ask): Nurse, Please, Are my t**... black?
Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: There is nothing wrong with them!
Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?

This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat.

His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had s**... with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.
--------------------------------------------
From Mark Z. Danielewski's "House of Leaves".

Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.
First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.
More movie news, the trailer for the new "X-Men" flick shows that Wolverine will potentially face grave injury. The harrowing injury comes about when our hero forgets to retract his claws before wiping.
This is a cool story, a US Airways flight safely made a belly landing at Newark Airport. The plane was evidently taken down by heavy turbulence originating from Governor Christie's farts at a nearby Long John Silver's.
TV news, ESPN has been forced to take major layoffs and budget cuts. You can tell things are getting cheap as now the only athletic event they now can afford to cover is Tiger Woods dodging heels thrown by his exes.
In the political sector, Vice President Biden recently ribbed the president for always using a teleprompter. However, nobody seemed to ridicule Biden when he read his recent speech on healthcare reform off the back of a h**... napkin.
And finally, the new Xbox will utilize "the cloud" - so no matter where you are in the world, at any time, you can look up the fact that you lost a brave Call of Duty battle to a 13 year-old user named "GeneralFatPenis69".
Thanks for reading again, folks. I really appreciate it!

A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to s**... down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.
A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits down on his stool, rolls up between the girl's legs, sticks his head under her gown and starts poking around. At this point he realizes the girl's legs are shaking tremendously, so he peeks out from under the gown to see the girl's face turning eight shades of red and covered in sweat.
He quickly grabs her chart again to read it completely, then says, "Oh goodness! Is this your first time at a gynecologist's?"
She nods and quietly replies, "Yes."
The doctor then says, "Well, if you think it'll make you feel better, I'd be happy to numb you first."
The girl shrugs her shoulders and says, "Okay."
So the doctor puts his head back down deep between her legs, shakes his head and goes:
"NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM...."

Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and s**... the blood of all the family."
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."

Three bats are having a contest...

...to see which one can get the most blood. So the first one goes and half an hour later comes with a bit of blood on his cheeks. The other two bats ask him:
"where did you get that?"
"see the couple over there, kissing on the bench? that's where i got it."
So the second bat goes out. Like the first bat he comes back half an hour later, but his whole face is covered in blood. When they ask him, he replies:
"I found a party and all the people were so drunk, they didn't even notice."
And finaly the third bat goes outnto find some blood. But he comes back two minutes later completely covered in blood from head to toe. The other two ask him
"Wow! How did you do that?"
"You see that pole over there?"
"yes."
"Well, I didn't!"

Man with a mission

A guy is standing next to an open manhole cover. While smiling and giggling he points down towards the manhole and keeps repeating Twenty six... Twenty six.. Continuosly.
Curiosity got the better of one drunk passerby who was slightly amused by this behaviour. He moves closer to the dude standing by the manhole and asks with a smile on his face.. Hey.... What you upto ?
The guy with a clearly visible grin and a hint of increasing excitement on his face, looks down towards the manhole and points to it then says TWENTY SIX !!!....TWENTY SIX !!!
The drunk man decides to move closer to the manhole to have a better look. Just that moment when the drunk man bends over to look inside the manhole, he is pushed down inside by the lunatic. The lunatic laughs and giggles uncontrolably and starts saying... Twenty Seven.. Twenty Seven..

The laborers digging the trench were getting fed up...

So one of them climbs out, walks over to the foreman, and asks "Why do we have to do all the work and you just watch us?"
The foreman walks over to a tree, places his open hand against it and says "I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can."
The digger winds up, launches the hardest punch he can muster, but the foreman pulls his hand away at the last second. "That's why!" the foreman gloats. "It's because you're s**... and I'm smart!"
The laborer climbs back down in the trench, and his buddy asks why the foreman doesn't have to dig. "Because he's smarter than us!" The buddy doesn't believe it. "Oh yeah? How do you know he's smarter?"
The first guy simply covers his face with his hand, and says "I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can."

A rabbi and a catholic priest

A rabbi and a catholic priest met at the Sea Genezareth. The rabbi sugests that they should go swimming, but the catholic priest didn't want to, because he got no smimming trunks with him. After a little discussion the rabbi convinced him to go n**..., just like god made them.
Shortly after they have gone in to the water a group of tourists came by. Immediately the catholic priest covered his manhood with his hands, however the rabbi covered his face.
The catholic priest asks the rabbi wondering why he covers his face instead of his manhood.
The rabbi answered:
People recognize me by my face!

3 Vampires join a blood-s**... competition..

Whoever is able to drink the most blood in the fastest time, would be declared the winner.
The 1st Vampire runs down the hill and comes back a minute afterwards. He points down the hill and said: "You guys see that village over there? I drank all of the people blood there!"
The 2nd Vampire runs down the hill and comes back in 30 seconds. He points down the hill and said: "You guys see that farm over there? I drank all of the animals and humans blood there!"
The 3rd Vampire runs down the hill and comes back in less than 5 seconds! His face is covered in blood and he seems out of breath. The other 2 vampires are shocked with this view. The 3rd Vampire said: "You see that telephone post?? I didn't...."

A Rabbi and a priest went for a walk..........

While attending a religious convention. They stoped at a lake and decided to go for a swim. Since they did not have a change of clothes both decided they would skinny dip. Just as the last bit of clothing was stripped off a group of people came from the conference, the priest quickly covered his c**... with his hands while the rabbi placed his hands over his face. As the crowd got closer the priest said to the rabbi, "why dont you cover your shame"? The rabbi replied, "I do not know about you but, people recognize me by my face.

Embarrassing Trip to the Local Swimming Pool

A young lady was swimming at a swimming pool and was having a great time burning calories and keeping fit.
To her horror, she found that her swimsuit had torn open at the bottom leaving her lady bits exposed.
Using her hands to cover up her modesty, she stealthily exited the pool by the side and grabbed a nearby sign to cover up.
This somehow got her more attention, and she looked down at the sign.
**"Depth 1.8metres"**
Slightly embarrassed, she got rid of that sign and quickly grabbed another.
More stares came her way...the sign read:
**"Men's entrance"**
She could feel her face getting redder by the moment, threw away the sign and grabbed the last one she could grab.
Practically everyone was looking at her now, if not for the spectacle she was causing, but also for what was now on that sign.
**"Repairs ongoing, please enter by the back"**

3 guys in a nudist colony...

...a politician, a general, and an esteemed professor. They're happily enjoying their 'air bath' when they notice a photographer from a newspaper peering over the fence trying to get an embarrassing photo of them.
The politician and the general both immediately cover their g**... but the professor covers his face, the other two notice this and ask him, "what are you doing?" To which he replies, "I'm fairly certain I'm more recognizable for my f**... features than my g**....

A priest and a rabbi go for a walk...

A rabbi and a catholic priest are going for a walk on a hot summer's day, when they pass a little pool in the midst of a forest.
The rabbi suggests: "Hey let's hop in here so we can refresh ourselves!"
- "But I don't even have trunks with me", the priest answered.
"Me neither", the rabbi says, "so let's just jump in there n**...."
After short hesitation the priest finally agrees with him, so both take a refreshing dip in the water.
When they exit the pool some minutes later, they suddenly notice a bunch of wanderers of their community approaching.
Immediately, the rabbi covers his face with his hands whereas the priest hides his g**....
After the wanderers disappeared, the wondering priest asks the rabbi:
"Why would you hide your face, rabbi?"
The rabbi answers: "Well, MY community recognizes me by my face."

A man in a baklava that covers his face is robbing another guy...

- "GIVE ME YOUR WALLET!" he yells as he looks menacing with a knife.
The other man gives him the wallet, and the robber opens it to take the money out...
- "Only 3 dollars?, what do you do for a living?"
- "Im an engineer"
The robber takes off the baklava and says:
- "dude... what year did you graduated?"

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.
The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting out. After climbing out of the river they had just started to make a run for it to get to their clothes, when many members of their congregation came into view.
The Priest covered his privates with his hands and put on a burst of speed, but the Rabbi covered his face instead. "What are you doing?" the Priest asked. "I don't know about you," the Rabbi answered, "but my congregants recognize me by my face."

Two guys

Two guys are at the bar, o**... drinks 2 beers then tells his buddy he has to go home his wife only let's him have 2 beers. His buddy tells him that's messed up and here is what he should do, drink as many beers as he can, 5 whiskeys and a bourbon. Then go home and dive under the covers and eat out his wife's p**......she won't care what time you come home or how much you have had to drink if you do that.
He thinks about it for a minute then decides it's a great plan. So he gets drunk goes home dives under the covers and goes to town, after about 10 minutes he thinks she should be happy, but his wife won't kiss him until he washes his face. So he opens the door to the bathroom and there is his wife sitting in the tub.
The husband starts stuttering and carrying on confused. When his wife shushes him and tells him to be quiet...or he will wake his mother.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.
The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what happened.
About an hour later, he returned. His clothes were messed up, he was covered in lipstick, he had an expensive cigar in his mouth, and in both hands were two full bottles of the most expensive champagne ever.
"What happened?", Hillary asked.
"When I went to the farm, they eagerly invited me in. Then, the husband gave me this cigar, the wife gave me the wine, and their two daughters gave me the best s**... of my life!", the driver said with a huge smile on his face.
"What did you say to them?", Hillary asked.
"I said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I just killed the old cow', and the rest happened so quickly I couldn't do anything!"

Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? s**... him dry."
The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."
The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't"

A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect.
Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn.
"No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"

3 Vampires meet in a crossroad

The 1st vampire said "see that village over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 30 minutes later he come back with mouth full of bloodstain "Nobody's alive in that village anymore".
The 2nd vampire doesn't want to lose, he said "see that town over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 10 minutes later he come back with face covered in bloodstain, "That city is dead".
The 3rd vampire is so eager to compete he quickly go to the direction of a big city without saying anything. He come back 10 seconds later, all body covered in blood, the two vampires are impressed.
He say "You see that pole over there?"
"Yeah.."
"I didn't"

Three vampires make a bet about how many people they can eat in one night...

They agree to meet in the clearing late at night and show off what they did.
The first one comes up and he has blood all over his mouth. He says "you see that tree over there? Behind it is a trail that leads to a giant house with a family... I ate them all"
The second one comes up and he has blood all over his face. He says "you see that tree there? Behind it is a trail that leads to a village... I ate everybody in the village"
The third one impressed his friends, he had blood all over his face and neck and covering his shirt. "What happened?" They asked him.
"You see that tree right there?" He said, "cause I did not".

Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you see that large tree over there?" He said.
"Yes, yes!" the bats said, excitedly.
"Good for you, I didn't."

True story but potential to be a joke (my friends experience this morning on the train)

Woman jumps on the train this morning with a veil type hood covering her hair and her face where you see nothing but the eyes (I dont know religious garments but didn't really look like a religious garment to me). When she gets on, the guy next to her leans over and calmly whispers "You know we live in Australia right? Why do you Islams continue to dress like that?"
Lady just looks at him wierd, rips off her head gear and says "You know we live in Melbourne right...I'm not Muslim, I'm cold, you f***** idiot" then walks off.

After a terrible night, two professors have to run through campus while n**......

As they run, the first guy covers his g**... and the second covers his face. The first guy asks the second, "Are you not ashamed of your indecency?"
The second guy responds, "Yeah... But, I don't know about you, but more people recognize me by my face than by my g**..."

Teacher asks the class, "What part of your body can grow as much as six times its normal size?"

No one answers, so she asks Tiffany in the front row if she knows the answer. Tiffany blushes, giggles, and covers her face with her hands.
Heather in the desk behind raises her hand and says, "The pupil, miss. The pupil may grow as much as six times its normal size."
"Correct" says the teacher. "And, Tiffany, I have three comments for you. 1. You have a dirty, filthy mind. 2. You haven't been doing your homework, and 3. You are in for a lifetime of bitter disappointment."

A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so one day they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim...

Of course they're swimming n**... (as one does in a remote lake). All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his g**... looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognize me by my face."

A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go skinny dipping in a remote lake

All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi's congregation and out of the other pours the priest's congregation.
Their clothes are on the other side of the lake, so they don't have time to retrieve them. Both decide to just make a run for it.
The priest, running with his hands covering his g**... looks over and sees the rabbi running with his hands over his face. He says, Rabbi! What are you doing?
The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognize me by my face."

Logic

Three professors visit a nudist beach, and s**... off. After some time they notice the Dean and his wife approaching. Two of the professors immediately cover their private parts with towels, but the professor of logic covers his face. When asked why, he says "My face is the way that I am usually recognised".

Vampire Bats

A group of bats were sitting in a cave, completely fatigued as they haven't been able to find any blood this week. One of the bats grows sick of having to survive on fruit and nuts, so he leaves the group and ventures into the city to find some blood.
About an hour later, he returns, his face absolutely covered in blood. The rest of the group gather around him excitedly: "How did you find so much blood?" They ask.
He replies "Well, you see that village over there?"
"Yeah, we see it!"
"And you see that church on the hill nearby?"
"Yeah, yeah?" They reply, excitedly.
"And you see the huge steeple it has?"
"Yes, we see it!", they answer impatiently.
"I didn't."

An archery contest

Once upon a time there was an archery competition.
The first contestant, wearing a long cape covering his face, put a watermelon on a volunteer, took 100 paces away then turned and fired. The watermelon exploded. The archer took off his cape and claimed: I AM ROBINHOOD!
The second one with a hood put an apple above the volunteer head, took 200 paces and fired right through the apple. He then removed the hood and shouted: I AM BAYEK OF SIWA!
Finally, a third man with a mask lined up in position. He put a grape on the volunteer's head and went away for 500 paces. He shot, then grinned and said: ^^^^^I ^^^^^am ^^^^^sorry .

Bird of Paradise

His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:
Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies:
Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had s**... with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Three women were returning to their Hungarian Village

When they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched, he stumbled and fell face down in a puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she could recognize him. However, his face was covered with mud and she could not tell. So she unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well he's nto my husband." The second woman peered over the first woman's shoulder and agreed saying "he's definitely not your husband." Then the third woman bent over to look and exclaimed, " he's not even from the village!"

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years...

One day, he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"No, no, I don't think so," said the foreman. "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

So a penguin took his car to get fixed

So a penguin took his car to the shop to get fixed. The mechanic told him it would take a while, so the penguin went across the street to get some ice cream. The penguin got some vanilla ice cream, and had to eat it with his beak because penguins don't have arms. When he was done with the ice cream, his face was covered in it. The mechanic called the penguin and told him his car was done so he came back over to the shop to get his car. The mechanic said it looks like you blew a seal.

When it comes to social distancing and covering your face in public...

We have to give credit to Muslim women.
What other group of people are covered from head to toe, walking six feet behind their husband?

Three vampires decide to hold a race

Whoever can get a mouth full of blood the quickest wins. The first vampire flies out and comes back in 10 minutes with his mouth full of blood.
"You see that college there? I like the fresh blood"
The second vampire flies out and comes back within 5 minutes, blood dripping out of his mouth.
"You see that retirement home? I like the ripe blood"
The third one flew out and come back withing a minute, his face covered in blood.
"How did you do that!" The others asked.
"You see that tower there? Well, I didn't"

A Priest and a Rabbi go for a Walk in the Park

As both come by a beautiful lake, the rabbi says: Let's take a dip, the water looks refreshing!
But we have no trunks
Then let's go in as god has created us.
Said and done, they go in. After a while, they get out and walk back to their clothes. There, a small group of people surprise the two n**... men.
Full of shame, the priest covers his manhood. He looks to the right and sees the rabbi covering his face.
What are you doing? , he asks.
The rabbi answers: My people recognize me by my face.

A man dies and goes to h**... where he finds himself in the middle of a tour.

The tour guide walks them to a room of people covered in scorpions and says- Here is where all of the Catholics go. He then takes them to a room where all of the people are burning alive- This is where all of the baptists go. He then walks the group into a beautiful valley where children are running and playing with smiles on their faces. Furious, the tour guide grabs his phone, makes a call and yells- The d**... mormons are irrigating again.

A rabbi and a priest are out for a walk through the park.

It's a hot summer day and as they pass by a pond, the rabbi suggest taking a bath to cool down a little.
The priest is hesitant at first, but since they're at a remote spot with noone around, he agrees.
Just as they have finished taking off their robes a group of ladies is jogging by. The priest hastily covers his c**..., while the rabbi hides his face behind his hands.
When the ladies have passed, the priest asks:
"Why didn't you cover your private parts?"
To which the rabbi replies:
"Well, MY congregation recognizes me by my face. "

I walked through the front door after work and our parrot said "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather peculiar.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess, and face covered in sweat.
"Everything ok?" she asked, flustered.
"Honey," I said, "I've got a question to ask you..."
"Yes! Sure!" she panicked, straightening her clothes, "What is it?"
I said, "Since when was our parrot married?"

A pirate walks into a bar

I pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel where his hat should be, hanging down covering part of his face. The bartender asked if he was hiding his face for a reason.
"Aye," the pirate said. "I have a bounty on me head."