Eyesight Jokes
120 eyesight jokes and hilarious eyesight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eyesight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes about bad eyesight? Check out this list of 2020's funniest jokes about spectacles, lenses, and more! Get ready to laugh, and don't forget to complement the jokester!
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Funniest Eyesight Short Jokes
Short eyesight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eyesight humour may include short eye related jokes also.
- So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight... when do I get my adult supervision?
- Wife And Husband Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight." - I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use. So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.
- Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better." Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
- My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment' I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'
- A girl looks at the mirror and says "Mom, I look really ugly, can you compliment me and make me feel better?" The mother says "Wow you have really good eyesight!"
- "I look fat..." ...said a woman to her husband. "Please give me a compliment."
"Honey," he said, "Your eyesight is perfect." - A woman is looking at herself in the mirror "Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."
Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact." - A girl once said to me she looks ugly and to give her a compliment.... i said her eyesight was perfect.
- My girlfriend has terrible eyesight... she's always accidentally sleeping with other guys. Poor girl.
Share These Eyesight Jokes With Friends
Eyesight One Liners
Which eyesight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eyesight? I can suggest the ones about eye test and blindness.
- What happens to your eyesight when you have kids? You get adult super vision
- Why do kindergarten teachers have bad eyesight? Because their pupils are small.
- My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face. I wear contacts.
- Why did the dog need glasses? Because it had paw eyesight
- What do you call a deer with a good eyesight? A good idea.
- What kind of eyesight does Scrooge McDuck have? Eurovision
- What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight? Vitamin c.
- Family asked me to go see a doctor about my bad eyesight. I couldn't see him.
- What did the blind mexican guy say after he got his eyesight back? Sí
- The secret to a long marriage. Your eyesight and hearing diminish with age.
- This is going to be my last year with bad eyesight. Next year will be 2020.
- What type of eyesight does Mr.Freeze have? Ice sight.
- Where do bunnies go to get their eyesight checked? The hop-tician!
- You should marry a man of her own ages As your beauty fade,so will his eyesight #feminism
- What is the year of good eyesight? The Year 2020
Bad Eyesight Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad eyesight jokes and even better bad eyesight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A musician with bad eyesight goes to an optician "How can I help you?
"I need something to help me C-sharp" - I have bad eyesight, so I got my car's rear-view mirror specially made. Hindsight's 20-20.
- If I stopped looking at my phone all the time and started to put that time into more important things like.... My computer with a bigger screen, then my eyesight wouldn't be as bad
2020 Eyesight Jokes
Here is a list of funny 2020 eyesight jokes and even better 2020 eyesight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Eyesight My new optician is a legend. This new set of glasses he gave me allows me to see a few years into the future.
Finally, I have 2020 vision. - Doc said my eyesight is almost like 20/20 He gave a prescription for the thickest eye glasses in existence.
- Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20. You have to be able to C#.
- If you're going into 2019 with poor eyesight... Just take the rest of the year off and you'll get 2020 vision
- I know we've just seen in 2019, but I personally can't wait to see in 2020 as my eyesight has been going worse for years.
- If you ever think that your eyesight is getting poor, just stick two 10 dollar bills to each eye Then you'll have 20/20 vision
- I have terrible eyesight, but for some reason I can see ketchup bottles really well. I guess Heinz sight is 20/20
Playful Eyesight Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about eyesight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye catching jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eyesight pranks.
Bob asked, "What do you think who has the best eyesight?" Jim replied, "Birds have the best eyesight." Bob asked, "Why?" Jim replied, "Because birds don't need to wear glasses."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks, "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
A guy joined a nudist camp and when he told his mom she didn't believe him.
So he sent her a picture of his top half.
A week later his grandma wanted a picture but he accidently sent the bottom half.
Knowing she had bad eyesight, he didn't think much of it.
A week later his grandma wrote a letter saying, that she didn't like his haircut, because it made his nose look too big.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and p**..., my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight..."
Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"
Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."
Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?"
Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?
Larry replies, God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, p**...! The light goes on. When I'm done, p**...! The light goes off.
Wow, that's incredible, the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife.
Bonnie, he says, Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and p**..., the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, p**..., the light goes off?
Oh sweet Jesus , exclaims Bonnie. He's peeing in the refrigerator again!
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel...
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel. She stands in front of the mirror in her bedroom. "I hate my body, i'm too fat", she says sadly to her husband on their bed. "I'm feeling a little down after that, i could use a pick me up. Compliment me?" she says. He says back, "Well for one thing your eyesight is great!"
My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.
A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?
Yeah, apparently a baby boy was born without eyelids just last week! Obviously that was a problem and the child's sight wouldn't last long unless the doctors acted quick, so they decided to take a skin graft from the boy and use it to protect his eyes. The most logical solution for the quick thinking doctor was to use the child's f**..., since he would probably be circumcised anyways.
Those are about all the details I know from the story, but I guess the baby is doing ok. The doctor said he would be fine, and should keep his eyesight, he just might end up a little c**...-eyed.
Giving up golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf everyday since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went." His wife sympathises with him and makes a cup of tea.
As they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur, "your brother is 103, he can't help."
"He may be 103, but his eyesight is perfect." says the wife.
So the next day Arthur heads of to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did, " replied the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asked Arthur.
His brother-in-law looks at him for a full minute and says, "I can't remember!"
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
Why do people eat carrots to help their eyesight?
They should be eating oranges because they have vitamin C. haha
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady has three neighbours...
An old lady has three neighbours; a butcher, a doctor and a blind man.
One day she decided to take a shower. After a few minutes of being in the shower she hears the doorbell, so she turns the shower off, grabs a towel and answers the door.
It's the butcher, "Congratulate me; I just sold my finest piece of meat!"
The old lady congratulated him and returned to her shower.
A few minutes later the doorbell rang again. The lady sighed, turned the shower off, wrapped herself in a towel and answered the door. It was the doctor, "Congratulate me," he said, "I just got a promotion!"
So she congratulated him and returned to her shower.
The doorbell rang again. The old lady sighed and turned off her shower. She knew it would be the blind man so she didn't bother with the towel and answered the door.
It was the blind man.
"Congratulate me," he said, "I've got my eyesight back!"
I know, it s**.... But it was my favourite joke when I was about nine so I wanted to share it.
My friend told he she thought she looked fat and needed a compliment
I told her she had perfect eyesight
My 20/15 eyesight is really helpful during tough economic times...
because a lot of jobs require minimum supervision.
...and thats how the fight started..
My Wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked me 'What's on TV?" I said 'Dust"
..and thats how the fight started..
My Wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said 'I want something shiny that goes from 0- 100 in about 3 seconds'. i bought her a weighing scale.
.. and that how the fight started.
I asked my wife, ' where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciaition. 'somewhere i've not been in a long time' she replied. I held her hand and took her to the kitchen.
.. and that how the fight started.
My wife standing in front of the bed room mirror . she said' I look old , fat and feel ugly'. she was then looking at me for a compliment, so I said' atleast there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.'
...and thats how the fight started.
This great pianist had...
the smoothest of fingers and could play anything you asked of him. Later in life however, he always seemed to play a key off. His eyesight had declined and he could no longer C#.
As my eyesight gets worse my parents blame video games while my optometrist says it's due to the roundness of my eyeball. One way or the other, there is a stigma.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after Surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"
'Just 90's kids things' 40 years later
Good cartoons and good eyesight
A man walks into a bar..
His eyesight is really getting poor.
When creating everything, God thought about giving deer very poor eyesight, but he decided against it.
It wasn't a good eye deer.
My SO was feeling down today..
G: I feel fat when i look in the mirror, can you compliment me to make me feel better?
B: You have great eyesight.
The other day I tell my wife, "when I look into the mirror I only see an old fat man, I need you to make me feel better about myself."
She says "you have perfect eyesight."
Joe & Chester
Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'. You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."
"What makes you say that, Joe?"
"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your house, and I can see things I shouldn't oughta see."
"Like what?"
"Last night for instance... I looked over and could see you makin' love to your wife."
"Pffft! That shows how good your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.
"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?
His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.
The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?"
Pete responds, "I don't remember."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My brother lost his eyesight in a motorboating accident.
Her n**... were pierced.
They say carrots and good for your eyesight...
but my body isn't! (I swear I don't hate myself)
My girlfriend asked me, "what are we going to do with your eyesight?"
"we're going to have to buy a larger hearing aid."
As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.
It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.
My grandma's lost almost all her eyesight but she hasn't been diagnosed as legally blind by a doctor yet.
So right now she's still illegally blind.
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman looks at herself in the mirror in disgust.
Woman: I feel really horrible. Look at me, old, fat and ugly. I think I have lost my charm.
Man: Hmmm, well it isn't all bad.
Woman: What do you mean?
Man: At least you have perfect eyesight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Byzantines with poor eyesight have?
Cataphracts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?
The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling
A man walks into a library
And asks if there are any book's on poor eyesight
I haven't seen any, says the barman
Doctor: So I've been told there's a problem with the eyesight?
John Cena: Yeah. You can't see me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband and wife are getting dressed to go out to dinner
As the woman is making herself up in the mirror she grimaces at her reflection and turns to her husband.
"Why have the years been so cruel to me? With each passing day I get even more old and ugly. The lines on my face run as deep as river beds. My lips are as shriveled as raisins. My once thick and luscious hair has thinned considerably. Name ONE thing that I still have going for me."
The husband replies "your eyesight is d**... near perfect."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs.
God, I look old, fat and ugly. She implores her husband; Pay me a compliment, dear.
Her husband replies, Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.
Joey moves to a nudist colony
Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma
It's no joke getting older...
First your memory gets worse.
Then your hearing gets worse.
Then your eyesight gets worse.
Then your memory gets worse.
Married Men
Nobody has better eyesight than a husband coming out of a hotel room with his girlfriend. He can even see next year 😂😂♂😂
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**...".
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Savage husband
Wife: I look old, fat and ugly. I need you to guve me a compliment.
Husband: Well your eyesight is perfect
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I need a compliment
*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.
*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.
There's a fly in my soup !
Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best English) :
Monsieur, it's "la mouche".
The man replies:
OK, have it your own way. But you must have incredible eyesight !
i can`t see
A man goes to his doctor and says, Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening. The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. Tell me what you see there, says the doctor and points. "I see the Sun," answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!
A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"
(Cr
