Eyesight Jokes
127 eyesight jokes and hilarious eyesight puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eyesight that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of the same old jokes about bad eyesight? Check out this list of 2020's funniest jokes about spectacles, lenses, and more! Get ready to laugh, and don't forget to complement the jokester!
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Funniest Eyesight Short Jokes
Short eyesight jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eyesight humour may include short eye related jokes also.
- So I just turned 21 and there is still no change in my eyesight... when do I get my adult supervision?
- Wife And Husband Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight." - I'm 22 years old now and my eyesight is worsening,... ...at what point do I get adult supervision?
- I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use. So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.
- Wife: "I look fat. Tell me something to make me feel better." Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
- My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment' I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'
- A girl looks at the mirror and says "Mom, I look really ugly, can you compliment me and make me feel better?" The mother says "Wow you have really good eyesight!"
- "I look fat..." ...said a woman to her husband. "Please give me a compliment."
"Honey," he said, "Your eyesight is perfect." - A woman is looking at herself in the mirror "Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."
Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact." - A girl once said to me she looks ugly and to give her a compliment.... i said her eyesight was perfect.
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Eyesight One Liners
Which eyesight one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eyesight? I can suggest the ones about eye test and blindness.
- What do you call a fascist that lost his eyesight? You call him a not-see.
- I'm almost 21 and my eyesight is getting worse, when will I get my adult supervision?
- What happens to your eyesight when you have kids? You get adult super vision
- I'm only 19 and my eyesight is constantly getting worse. When do I get Adult Supervision?
- Wife: I look fat.Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight.
- Why do kindergarten teachers have bad eyesight? Because their pupils are small.
- My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face. I wear contacts.
- My eyesight is so good I can see the future. I have 2020 visions.
- Why did the dog need glasses? Because it had paw eyesight
- What do you call a deer with a good eyesight? A good idea.
- What kind of eyesight does Scrooge McDuck have? Eurovision
- What do you call a vitamin that improves your eyesight? Vitamin c.
- Why do older men lose their eyesight? So they can still screw their wives
- What do Byzantines with poor eyesight have? Cataphracts.
- Family asked me to go see a doctor about my bad eyesight. I couldn't see him.
Bad Eyesight Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad eyesight jokes and even better bad eyesight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A musician with bad eyesight goes to an optician "How can I help you?
"I need something to help me C-sharp" - I have bad eyesight, so I got my car's rear-view mirror specially made. Hindsight's 20-20.
- This is going to be my last year with bad eyesight. Next year will be 2020.
- My doctor says I have bad eyesight I can't really see it
- If I stopped looking at my phone all the time and started to put that time into more important things like.... My computer with a bigger screen, then my eyesight wouldn't be as bad
- Why do Java developers have bad eyesight? Because they can't C#
- What do you call a film director with bad eyesight? Squintin' Tarantino
- What's the difference between a s**... with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh*t
- What's the difference between a s**... with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? One shoots but doesn't hit and the other hoots but doesn't s**....
2020 Eyesight Jokes
Here is a list of funny 2020 eyesight jokes and even better 2020 eyesight puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Eyesight My new optician is a legend. This new set of glasses he gave me allows me to see a few years into the future.
Finally, I have 2020 vision. - Doc said my eyesight is almost like 20/20 He gave a prescription for the thickest eye glasses in existence.
- Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20. You have to be able to C#.
- If you're going into 2019 with poor eyesight... Just take the rest of the year off and you'll get 2020 vision
- I know we've just seen in 2019, but I personally can't wait to see in 2020 as my eyesight has been going worse for years.
- If you ever think that your eyesight is getting poor, just stick two 10 dollar bills to each eye Then you'll have 20/20 vision
- I have terrible eyesight, but for some reason I can see ketchup bottles really well. I guess Heinz sight is 20/20
- What is the year of good eyesight? The Year 2020
Playful Eyesight Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about eyesight you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye catching jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eyesight pranks.
Good eyes
A woman standing in front of a mirror and telling her husbband: "I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. But will you still give me a compliment?
The husband replies: "Your eyesight is still excellent".
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel...
A women steps out of the shower and drops her towel. She stands in front of the mirror in her bedroom. "I hate my body, i'm too fat", she says sadly to her husband on their bed. "I'm feeling a little down after that, i could use a pick me up. Compliment me?" she says. He says back, "Well for one thing your eyesight is great!"
My flight instructor told me this one. Nothing to do with flying.
A man's wife is staring at herself in the mirror and frowning. She turns to her husband and says "Honey, I feel fat, old, and ugly. I could really use a compliment right now." To which the husband replies "Darling, your eyesight is impeccable."
A Chinese man goes to the eye doctor complaining of poor eyesight in his left eye.
The doctor says I see you have a cataract . The Chinese man says, "No I don't...I have a rincoln continental."
A husband and wife...
A husband and wife are in their bedroom together. The wife, fresh out of the shower, is standing in front of the mirror and says "I'm old, fat and depressed. I need a compliment." The husband thinks for a second and says "You have amazing eyesight!"
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
My girlfriend was standing n**......
in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."
A woman wrote a complaint to the hospital in which her husband had surgery...
She wrote: After his surgery he lost all interest in s**....
The hospital answered: Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight
Why do people eat carrots to help their eyesight?
They should be eating oranges because they have vitamin C. haha
My friend told he she thought she looked fat and needed a compliment
I told her she had perfect eyesight
My 20/15 eyesight is really helpful during tough economic times...
because a lot of jobs require minimum supervision.
This great pianist had...
the smoothest of fingers and could play anything you asked of him. Later in life however, he always seemed to play a key off. His eyesight had declined and he could no longer C#.
My wife tried on a new dress and turned to me and said, "I look fat, can you give me a compliment?"
"You have perfect eyesight", I replied.
A woman is looking at herself n**... in the mirror
....she rubs her tummy and says to her husband "I feel ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment"
Husband says "well, your eyesight is spot on"
As my eyesight gets worse my parents blame video games while my optometrist says it's due to the roundness of my eyeball. One way or the other, there is a stigma.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
My girlfriend has terrible eyesight...
she's always accidentally sleeping with other guys. Poor girl.
s**... after Surgery
A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**....
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight!"
My girlfriend told me that she looked fat, and wanted me to give her a compliment...
I told her that her eyesight was outstanding.
[DIRTY] Eye exam
Eye specialist: "Sir, you need to stop m**...."
Patient: " Oh my God, is it ruining my eyesight?"
Eye specialist: "No. It's disturbing the other patients."
My SO was feeling down today..
G: I feel fat when i look in the mirror, can you compliment me to make me feel better?
B: You have great eyesight.
The other day I tell my wife, "when I look into the mirror I only see an old fat man, I need you to make me feel better about myself."
She says "you have perfect eyesight."
What did the blind mexican guy say after he got his eyesight back?
Sí
My brother lost his eyesight in a motorboating accident.
Her n**... were pierced.
My girlfriend asked me, "what are we going to do with your eyesight?"
"we're going to have to buy a larger hearing aid."
As a child I was told that when I grew up I wouldn't need adult supervision.
It must be the case because my eyesight is getting worse.
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
A woman looks at herself in the mirror in disgust.
Woman: I feel really horrible. Look at me, old, fat and ugly. I think I have lost my charm.
Man: Hmmm, well it isn't all bad.
Woman: What do you mean?
Man: At least you have perfect eyesight.
A woman is standing n**... in front of her bedroom mirror.
"I'm old, saggy and wrinkled," she sighed. Then she turned to her husband who was sitting in bed, reading. "I could really do with you saying something nice, you know."
He looked up. "Your eyesight's perfect."
How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?
Well, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?
The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling
A man walks into a library
And asks if there are any book's on poor eyesight
I haven't seen any, says the barman
Doctor: So I've been told there's a problem with the eyesight?
John Cena: Yeah. You can't see me.
My wife looked in the mirror one day and thought she was fat and ugly...
She asked me to give her a compliment to cheer her up, so I told her "well, you have perfect eyesight!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German were in the side of a street...
On the street was a performer who was juggling. The juggler noticed the four men had poor eyesight so the juggler stood on a wooden box and exclaimed "Can you see me now?!" The three men responded
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
A wife told her husband she looks fat so she asked for a compliment
Her husband instantly compliments her saying "you have excellent eyesight."
After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs.
God, I look old, fat and ugly. She implores her husband; Pay me a compliment, dear.
Her husband replies, Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.
Joey moves to a nudist colony
Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.
He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads
Dear Joey
Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.
Love Grandma
It's no joke getting older...
First your memory gets worse.
Then your hearing gets worse.
Then your eyesight gets worse.
Then your memory gets worse.
Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in s**...".
A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.
Savage husband
Wife: I look old, fat and ugly. I need you to guve me a compliment.
Husband: Well your eyesight is perfect
I need a compliment
*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.
*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.
There's a fly in my soup !
Man on holiday in Paris goes to a restaurant and orders his dinner. When the soup arrives he finds a fly in the soup.
He calls the waiter over, and mustering his best French says:
Garcon, voici le mouche !
The waiter looks at the soup for a moment and then replies (in his best English) :
Monsieur, it's "la mouche".
The man replies:
OK, have it your own way. But you must have incredible eyesight !
Husband in bed.
Woman looks deeply unhappy at herself in the mirror while getting ready for bed. She exclaims, Just look at me!..My hair is grey, wrinkles under my eyes, my b**... sag, my legs fat (GROAN!) . Husband, say something nice! Please!
Husband: Well, at least your eyesight is okay!
i can`t see
A man goes to his doctor and says, Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening. The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. Tell me what you see there, says the doctor and points. "I see the Sun," answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!
A man went to see a doctor and told the doctor, "Every morning when I see myself in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but your eyesight is perfect!"
(Cr
A woman gets out of the shower and looks at herself in the mirror
She walks past her husband reading the newspaper on the couch, and says, "I just looked at myself in the mirror and I look ugly as h**.... How about a nice compliment to cheer me up?"
The husband takes one glance at his wife and replies, "Your eyesight is spot-on."
A short conversation between a husband and wife:
Wife: "I think this outfit makes me look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
I asked the Doctor.
Me: Does m**... cause poor eyesight.?
Doctor: "you're in Walmart mate."
A woman, standing n**..., looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, " I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "your eyesight's d**... near perfect."
He never even heard the shot
Read the whole thing, it's worth it
A woman sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment, her husband has lost interest in s**...
The hospital in their defense stated all we did was correct his eyesight
Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older...
It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day while my wife was there
I said to her, 'my nose is getting bigger every day, so is my belly, I've got more wrinkles than a pug, I've got more hair coming out of my nose than I've got on my head, the skin on my neck is so loose I look like a turkey. I could really use a compliment.'
My wife said, 'your eyesight is absolutely perfect.'
