Eyes Watering Jokes
69 eyes watering jokes and hilarious eyes watering puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eyes watering that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Eyes Watering Short Jokes
Short eyes watering jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eyes watering humour may include short mouth watering jokes also.
- My Memory is like a Goldfish. Like a Goldfish, all my memories start with water in front of my eyes.
Just some aqueous humor for you guys. - Q: How can you tell when you've passed an elephant? A: Your eyes are watering and you can't get the seat to go down.
- Did you hear about Harvey Weinsteins new job? He'll water your plants for direct eye contact.
- Whenever I have s**..., my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe... The doctor says its the mace.
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Eyes Watering One Liners
Which eyes watering one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eyes watering? I can suggest the ones about eye popping and eye drop.
- What will happen if you take out an eye from a waiter? He will become water.
- Your eyes water when you yawn, Because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
- Why did 2 fish bump into each other? Because water came into their eyes.
- Asian's pets Asian's eyes don't water when their pets die, their mouths do.
- Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
- black guy drank too much water and the black eyed peas
- Hey- ZigZag- What causes dry eyes? Ducts out of water ...
- Why was the fish swimming backwards? It didn't want to get water in its eyes.
- Why do Mike Tyson's eyes water during s**...? Mace
Eyes Watering Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about eyes watering you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye sore jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eyes watering pranks.
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert," "Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?"
"What good does all that do us here in the San Diego Zoo?"
One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.
He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey.
It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away.
So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit.
It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise.
On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock.
One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!"
The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?"
The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?"
The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".
So a Lizard and a Koala sit in a tree an smoke a joint...
They are smoking, talking, simply having a good time. After about an hour, the lizard says: "Man, I'm so thirsty... I gotta go down to the river and drink some water." So he climbs down the tree and goes to the river. There an aligator is chilling in the water and shouts: "Hey Lizard, whats going on? What're you up to?"
"Hey my friend, I'm over there in the tree, smoking p**... with the Koala, wanna join us?"
"Haha sure, gotta see this." goes the Aligator. So he climbs out of the water, and starts walking towards the tree. The Koala sees him, opens his eyes in amazement and says:
"Dude... How much did you drink???"
Alligator Shoes
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
"s**...!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms.
Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.
A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
The genie
Three guys, a Canadian, o**... Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
o**... Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."
Uncle Sam then said, "Fill it with water"
Corn
Three guys are walking in the desert. They haven't had anything to drink for almost 3 days. They come across an old shack and knock on the door. An old, fat, hairy, repulsive woman opens the door. They ask for a drink and she says only if you f*c**... me. The first guy says "screw that!" And storms off. The 2nd guy notices a plate of corn on the cob laying on the table. He says only if you keep your eyes closed. So he then proceeds to f*c**... her with the corn until she says stop. The 3rd person does the same. They both throw the corn out the window and they get their water. They go outside and see the 1st guy. They tell him to go inside and get the water. But before they could finish the story he says "screw that! I want more of that butterd corn!"
p**...'s 18th birthday
p**... had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when p**...'s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal m**..., took a boat out to the middle of the lake, p**..., stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
m**... just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, p**... went to see his grandmother.
"Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him "
Granny looked deeply into p**...'s, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
Three Rats wanted to Spend the Night in the Bathroom...
...they were discussing where they were going to sleep. The first rat says: "I think I'll sleep in the bathtub. It's nice and roomy and seems to be well protected." The second rat decides to sleep in the sink: "This is a smaller version of the bathtub, and will work just as well for me." The third rat decides he's going to sleep in the toilet: "This area seems to come with it's own water supply and is much better protected than any of the other sleeping spots."
The next morning the rats wake up and ask each other how they slept. The first rat says he slept fine, quite well rested. The second rat says he slept very well too, although a bit of water dripped on his head. The third rat is dark eyed and haggard, not to mention soaked through to the bone. "You fellas aren't going to believe my night. I was sleeping fine with my toes dangling in the cool water and it started raining! Then it got dark and started thundering, if it weren't for that log I would have drowned!"
(Kind of juvenile, I know, my grandmother told me this when I was about 8. Funniest thing I'd ever heard and never forgot it. Just wanted to share.)
An old snake
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised the when the pilots arrive.
The passengers on a small plane are quite surprised when the pilots arrive.
The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli
**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****
Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"
So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...
...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he responds with "Hmmm, welp, I think I may be able to help you. From now on, the second your husband walks through that door I want you to drink some water but keep some of that water in your mouth and swoosh through your teeth until he goes to bed. Do that and I promise he'll never lay a hand on you, ever." The woman, although slightly confused, thanks the doc and leaves.
Later on that night the husband arrives reeking of alcohol. Taking the doctors advice, she guzzles some water and starts swooshing it between her teeth until he goes to bed. To her amazement, it works so she repeats the process for a few weeks. Completely baffled, she returns to the doctors office to quiz him on this "cure". He then says to the woman, "that's called keeping your mouth shut."
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog is hopping towards a water hole...
The forest is so enormous that the frog have never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear is chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a c**... helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear is amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It's the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest are female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear is shocked that the rabbit is asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, are female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that this bear is gay."
Christ and Moses...
...are playing a round of golf. Jesus is on the green, but he puts away his putter and takes out a driver. Moses says "Put that away. You'll never get it in." "Nonsense," replies Jesus. "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." Jesus hits the ball too hard, and it falls into the water. Moses rolls his eyes, parts the waters, and brings the ball back. Not one to be deterred, Jesus takes out the driver again, saying "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." The ball once again goes into the water, Moses parts it, retrieves the ball, and gives it back. When once again Jesus fails to get the ball in, Moses refuses to help. So, Jesus steps out onto the water and proceeds to search for the ball. A man walking by looks incredulously at Jesus, turns to Moses and says "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," replies Moses. "Sam Snead."
It's a Miracle, I tell yeah!
A police officer notices a car swerving on the freeway, so he pulls it over. As he walks up to the car he notices the driver is a priest.
"Anything to drink today, father?", the officer asks.
"No, just water", replies the priest.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?, rebutted the officer.
The father looks at the officer with wide open eyes and replies in astonishment," SWEET JESUS! I can't believe it! He's done it again!! IT'S A MIRACLE! "
A Nigerian man.
*A Nigerian man fainted outside Mr. Biggs (an eatery). Soon a crowd gathered around him and someone suggested, Give him some water, it will help. Hearing this, the man opened one eye and said, Commot from here, if na water I wan drink, I for go faint for water board… (Translation: Get lost! If I needed water, I would faint in front of a water facility)
Little Johnny
It's spelling bee day and Teacher has it down to three students remaining, Chloe, Jimmy and Little Johnny.
"Chloe, could you spell solidify?"
"Solidify, S...O...L...I...D...I...F...Y, solidify."
"Correct, Chloe. Could you use it in a sentence?"
"OK. Um, in order to turn water into ice, you must solidify it by leaving it in the freezer."
"Very good Chloe. Now Jimmy, would you like to spell integrity for me?"
"Integrity. Let's see, I...N...T...E...G...R...I...T........E, integrity."
"I'm sorry Jimmy, that's incorrect, but good try."
"And now, Little Johnny, I'd like you to spell asinine."
"Uhhh, asinine, A...S...I...uh...N...I...N......E, asinine."
"Correct! Can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny paused for a moment and replied, "You're a very pretty lady, miss. Your face is beautiful, your lips are red and inviting, your eyes could light up a thousand rooms, but I give that asinine!"
The Speech Therapist
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate s**... with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no good, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow."
"That's no better either, Seathan."
"Now, how about you, p**...?"
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; "London".
"Brilliant, p**...!" said the therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 10 minutes of s**... s**..., p**... said,
"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."
21st Birthdays
A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.
So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."
Blondes and alligator shoes
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....s**...!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !
A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.
He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find an unique piece of land to call our own, but all the land out here's so common. Anything unusual has already been claimed. Then on top of that, Harvey fell off a cliff this morning and died, and I think it was my fault."
"Hmm," the voice replied, "Harvey says it was just an accident and not to worry about it."
The man, amazed at the fact that the hole is communicating with his dead brother, feels his mood get better immediately.
"Why are you smiling?" the quivering voice asks.
The man thinks a minute then says, "I dunno. I came out here looking for a rare stake, but it turns out I'm pretty happy with one medium well."
So Jesus and Moses go to play golf...
...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake."
"Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again.
"I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again."
Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball.
As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???"
"No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
A man gets drunk...
and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.
The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.
'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'
'No mate, I haven't'
The priest dunks him in again and pulls him back out. The drunk thrashes around for a bit.
'Now have you found Jesus?'
'Nah bro, I haven't.'
The priest rolls his eyes and dunks the drunk one more time, and pulls him back up violently.
'HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS YET?'
The drunk, near suffocation, replies, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
A monkey was smoking w**...
sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best w**... in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink.
Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best w**... in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!"
The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"
Sweetheart, you remind me the sea.
>Why? is it because of my beautiful blue eyes reminding you the ocean's water?
No
>I know, it's because of my curly hair, reminds you the waves.
Not really.
>So it's my perfume? reminds you that fresh air near the beach?
Nope.
>So what is it then?
You make me sick.
A man is stranded on a desert island...
... When all of a sudden a beautiful brunette in full scuba gear strides out of the water surrounding the island. She sits down next to the awestruck man and says, "Would you like a cigarette?" The man agrees, and she unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter.
After they've finished their cigarettes, the brunette says, "Would you like a drink?"
The man agrees, and the woman opens a small bag at her waist, and takes out a small bottle of champagne and two glasses. As they sip their drinks, the brunette leans forward and says, "Would you like to play around?"
The man's eyes widen and he yells, "You've got golf clubs in there as well?"
Two rabbis would go fishing regularly...
One day they decided to invite a priest that they had known for a long time. They reach their fishing hike and go out in their boat. One rabbi says: "hang on I forgot my lures," and he walks back to the shore for them. The priest stares wide eyed as the rabbi walks back over the water.
Some time later the other rabbi announces that he is thirsty and goes back walking over the water to get some soda. The priest is now really miffed. "If they can do it so can I,"and he steps outside the boat and promptly goes under.
The rabbis pull him into the boat and one of them asks the other: "should we tell him where the rocks are?"
Why do scuba divers dive backwards?
Cause if they dived forward they would fell on the boat.
Real reason so that the eye and nose masks don't get filled with water on the impact straightforward and the oxygen tanks are heavy and it would exert less strain on the back. A prudent way.
Throwback Thursday Joke
Edited few grammar mistakes.
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the North Sea
Trump, Merkel and Putin are flying over the north sea with a helicopter. After a while Putin says "we have submarines that can stay under water for one week without refueling". Then trump says "That's nothing, our submarines can stay under water for a whole month without refueling!". Merkel can't think of anything and looks ashamed out the window. Suddenly a submarine surfaces in front of their eyes, a man steps out of it and raises his right arm and screams "HEIL h**... WIR BRAUCHEN DIESEL!"
A homeless man passed out while walking in front of a McDonald's.
Everyone around surrounded the man to see what could be done to help him.
A woman from the crowd yelled: " Bring him water and splash some of it on his face!"
The man opened his eyes immediately and said: "Hey! If I needed water I would of passed out in front of Aquafina.
A plumber
is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!
Magnificent Niagara
I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying.
I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magnificent Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.
It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?" He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
The healing river
People heard about a healing river and the stories about its powers and so they gathered to see it with their own eyes. A lady with a sick child in her arms goes into the water on one shore and comes out at the other, the child now smiling and completely healthy. A blind man goes in and comes out seeing. Everybody is stunned. Another guy in a wheelchair goes in on one shore and comes out at the other with new rims.
4 Nuns
Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a n**... man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your b**... in it.
A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman find a magic lamp
A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are walking on a beach and find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He tells them that they each get a single wish.
The Scotsman goes first. I wish for Scotland to make the finest whisky forever. The genie granted the wish, and...not much changes.
The Englishman went next. I wish England was surrounded by a tall wall, and all the foreigners gone. A wall appears, 300 feet (100 meters) high, right on the sand next to them, and stretches as far as the eye can see in both directions.
The Welshman says, fill in the wall with water .
On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.
I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff i**...?"
The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.
Feeling curious, I bought it and tried a whiff. My nose instantly started running and my eyes watered, but determined, I repeated it each day until the end of the week.
By Saturday I felt like I was going to die, but sure enough, I had lost over 70 kilos.
Truly a weapon of mass destruction.
A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little insquisitive...
"Why do we have two humps," asked the son.
"That's so we can go for days without water. We can store it in the humps."
"Why do we have very long eyelashes?
"That," he was told, "is to protect the eyes from sand in a sand storm."
"And why do we have bulbous looking feet?"
"That's so we're can travel twice as fast through the desert."
"Dad," asked the young camel, "What the h**... are we doing in this zoo?"
"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."
"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now?
Of course."
The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,
"Oh i see! You forgot to remove the spoon!
Camel Joke
A young camel asks his mother
Why do I have a big h**... on my back
The mother replies
You use it to store water when your in the desert
That's cool says the young camel And why do I have these big hooves
The mother answers Your hooves stop you from sinking in the quicksand when your in the desert
That's brilliant says the young camel Why do I have such long eyelashes
They stop sand from going into your eyes while wandering the desert his mother explains
The young camel pauses for a moment
Well, why am I in the zoo
Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat
As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.
The mermaid looks at him straight in the eye with an amorous look. Then, without saying a word, he drops her back into the water.
His friend, in complete disbelief, exclaims: "But why?"
To which the first replies: "But how?"
Old Man Jack married an old maid
Life had been hard on old Ethel. But they were truly in love, and their families agreed it was best for them to live out their final days in joy.
On their wedding night, Jack lay on the bed and watched his new bride undress.
She took out her glass eye and placed it in a velvet case.
Next, she removed her false teeth and put them in a glass of water.
Taking off her wig, she placed it on a small bust on the dresser.
She removed her prosthetic leg, and stood it beside the chair.
Jack finally spoke: "When you get to the part I'm waiting for, just toss it over."
An old snake is feeling his age.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
I let go a silent f**... in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...
Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time
Real story from this morning
It's super hot where we live so my 8 year old daughter filled up a spray bottle with cold water to cool herself down. She walked up to me and asked if I wanted a spray. I said "sure."
She gave me a good couple of spritzes with the spray bottle and asked, "how was that?"
I responded, "You mist."
Her eye roll when she got it was soooooooo worth it.