Eyes Jokes
191 eyes jokes and hilarious eyes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eyes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Get ready for a side-splitting set of jokes about eyes! From blue eyes to big eyes and bloodshot eyes, have a laugh over the hilarious quips involving all things ocular. Whether you have bags under your eyes, are a four eyes, or just find yourself with cross eyes, these jokes will have you staring with delight!
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Funniest Eyes Short Jokes
Short eyes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eyes humour may include short optic jokes also.
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine. He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
- I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
- What is something with 8 eyes, 8 leg, and 8 hands? 8 pirates
My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him. - China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
- If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
- Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
- I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- "It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.
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Eyes One Liners
Which eyes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eyes? I can suggest the ones about vision and iris.
- I can cut down a tree just by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
- You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
- What do you call a spider with 20 eyes? Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider
- You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
- My girlfriend poked me in the eyes... So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.
- I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I? A liar.
- Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils.
- I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle... ..and a lifetime ban from the zoo. 😕
- What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.
- Why did the anime girl eat too much? Because her eyes were bigger than her stomach.
- The contact lens is mans greatest invention At least in my eyes
- What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
- Throwing acid is wrong... ...in some people's eyes.
- Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.
- I had to dump my cross eyed girlfriend I think she was seeing someone else
Rolling Eyes Jokes
Here is a list of funny rolling eyes jokes and even better rolling eyes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her/she
I got an eye roll from the wife on this one. I guess that's the dad joke seal of approval. - Bad puns That's how eye roll.
- Why are eye jokes worse than toe jokes? Because toe jokes may be cheesy, but eye jokes are cornea.
- Was grilling burgers and asked the wife if she wanted toasted buns She said yes. I said, well go stand by a fire… I could just about hear the eye roll.
- My 1 year old was eating dinner and his runny nose got on his food. My wife goes: "uh, yea the snot really makes it"
I replied: "A little sneezoning."
I don't think I've seen her eyes roll so hard. - My most dad joke for real life eye rolls. *giving someone a gift card for a specific shop*
Don't spend it all in one place! ;) - I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better. Bad puns are how eye roll.
- I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It's true!" "When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
- People hate my dad jokes. But that's how eye roll.
- Where do fisherman keep their horses In their BARNacles.
-Made it up today for my little cousin who rolled his eyes. Gf thought it was funny.
Big Eyes Jokes
Here is a list of funny big eyes jokes and even better big eyes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at? Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.
- Why are ET's eyes so big? He got the phone bill
- I said "My, what big eyes you have!" Followed by "My, what big hands you have!"
And then "My what big teeth you have!"
My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well. - They were so round, big, and beautiful - I just had to touch them! And then she said, "OW! My eyes!"
- A private eye recounts one of the cases he's worked in: "From the moment I saw her outside my office window, I knew she was in big trouble." "Mainly because my office was located on the 7th floor."
- She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?" I said "I don't think it's ugly!"
I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder. - Any loving's good loving, so I took what I could get. Then she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said Woof.
- Knock knock Who's there?
Wendy…
Wendy who?
Wendy moon hits your eyes like a big pizza pie - I accidentally stabbed my teacher in the face with a pencil. I thought I would be in big trouble, but she turned a blind eye.
- Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me. Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.
Blue Eyes Jokes
Here is a list of funny blue eyes jokes and even better blue eyes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Regretting the compliment... A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
- Interviewer: What's your strength? Candidate: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: What's your weakness?
Candidate: Those blue eyes of yours. - I have blue eyes. I got them from my father. My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.
- What do you call several blonde hair blue-eyed men doing the 100 meter dash? The superior race
- My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...
- A son and a dad are talking Son: Why is the sky blue?
Dad: The same reason your eyes are blue.
Son: So the sky slept with the postman? - My biology teacher said there is no evolutionary advantage to blue eyes. She must have never heard of the holocaust.
- What do you call a blue-eyed blonde that doesn't eat meat? A vegetaryan
- What do you get when you cross a blue eye and a brown eye? Pink eye
- I tried to kill a spider by spraying it with a whole can of White Rain hair spray But that didn't work, now it's wearing blue eye shadow and chain smoking Virginia Slims.
Eyes Watering Jokes
Here is a list of funny eyes watering jokes and even better eyes watering puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What will happen if you take out an eye from a waiter? He will become water.
- Your eyes water when you yawn, Because you miss your bed and it makes you sad.
- My Memory is like a Goldfish. Like a Goldfish, all my memories start with water in front of my eyes.
Just some aqueous humor for you guys. - Q: How can you tell when you've passed an elephant? A: Your eyes are watering and you can't get the seat to go down.
- Did you hear about Harvey Weinsteins new job? He'll water your plants for direct eye contact.
- Why did 2 fish bump into each other? Because water came into their eyes.
- Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
- black guy drank too much water and the black eyed peas
- Hey- ZigZag- What causes dry eyes? Ducts out of water ...
- Why was the fish swimming backwards? It didn't want to get water in its eyes.
Cross Eyes Jokes
Here is a list of funny cross eyes jokes and even better cross eyes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend... Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.
- I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression. Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.
- You guys hear about the insecure cross-eyed teacher?? Apparently he couldn't control his pupils
- I dated a cross-eyed girl once, but it didn't end well. Turned out she was seeing other people.
- A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions. She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.
- I've been dating a cross-eyed woman for 3 months now. But I don't think it's gonna last. We just don't see eye to eye.
- Being cross-eyed has made it difficult for me to stay in monogamous relationships Sometimes when I'm seeing a girl I can't help but also see someone else on the side
- I had a terrible cross-eyed teacher in primary schoool She could never keep her pupils under control.
- The crossed eyed teacher... ...had trouble controling his pupils.
- Did Alanis Morissette ever get her cross-eyed-bear back? You oughtta know it really wasn't fair to deny her of the cross-eyed-bear that you gave to her.
Howlingly Hilarious Eyes Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about eyes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye related jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eyes pranks.
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just had a near s**... experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes?
12 pirates.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...
Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"
Eyes
Two men are sitting in a bar, talking to eachother. One asks the other if he ever looks his wife in the eyes while making love. "I did once" the other responds, "But I saw a lot of anger in her eyes". The first, looking confused: "Why was that?"
"Because she was looking from outside through the window!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...
When she stumbles upon an s**... magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.
"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"
The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.
"...Well we can't s**... him."
What happened to Steve Jobs before he died?
His life HTML5d before his eyes.
LPT: How to pick up girls
Try this:
1. Acquire several dozen limes.
1. Go up to them and then drop all the limes.
1. Start picking them up, but keep dropping them. The clumsier you look the better.
1. Keep doing this until you have their attention (this could take up to thirty minutes).
1. Finally gather up the limes. Try looking a bit sheepish.
1. Look them deeply in the eyes and say, "Sorry, I'm bad at Pickup Limes."
When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.
Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't use pepper spray when I'm being robbed
I just open my wallet and blow the dust into their eyes.
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
As I looked into her eyes I felt my knees go weak and my stomach turned to butterflies.
That's when I realized I'd drugged the wrong glass.
A horse walks into a bar
A horse walks into a bar and says "bartender, scotch on the rocks please!"
The bartender, rubbing his eyes in disbelief says "did.. did you just talk?!"
"Yes I have, why?" Said the horse
"It's just, incredible! I've never seen a talking horse! You know, you should really go talk to the local circus, they would LOVE to have someone with your skills!"
The horse replied "why? Are they short on electricians?"
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
Son told his dad he loves the girl next door
"Son, you can't love her. She's my secret daughter with another wife."
"But dad, what about the other girl next next door?"
"Sorry, son. She's also my secret daughter with the other wife."
Son walks away with tears in his eyes after knowing the truth. Mom heard it all and approaches to him
"Honey, you can love the girls next door if you want to. You're not your dad's son anyway."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"You want to see a pig with three eyes?"
A piiig
My Gf: What colour are my eyes?
Me: 34C.
Peter is different
A couple have 13 children, 12 of them are blonde and have blue eyes, 1 has black hair and brown eyes, his name is Peter. One day the wife of the couple is dying of illness, her husband is sitting on her bed. The husband says "Our Peter is different from the other kids, does he have a different father?" His wife says yes. And, the man says, "Then, who is his dad?" Upon which his wife says, "You".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A girl takes a black guy home.
At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.
They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"
To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A female nudist calls for a taxi
The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.
At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?
Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..
A husband asks his wife...
Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...
A student comes to a young professor's office hours...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?
A dead bird.
Why do Pokémon have eyes?
So they can pikachu
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
Give me a compliment.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband: "I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!
I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."
When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...
Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.
At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing.
I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Went to a n**... beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women's attention.
I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.
What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?
Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.
My girlfriend left me 6 weeks ago because she thinks I'm immature. Now I'm all alone on Christmas day and crying my eyes out
because Santa didn't come.
What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?
it means that you are flat chested.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys were walking though the Sahara
They suddenly see a tiger approaching .
o**... throws sand in the tiger's eyes and he runs away.
The other guy keeps standing still.
"RUN MAN, WHY ARE YOU STANDING STILL??"
"Well I didn't throw the sand at him"
A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do CSGO terrorists hate the desert?
Because they don't want de dust 2 get in their eyes.
So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...
So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
A cute girl winked at me
She must be extra interested because she winked with both eyes.
Just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.
Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says Newton, you're terrible, I've found you! Newton says No no, Einy. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a c**.... Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said
"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."
A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11
The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:
-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!
His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.
Then, his dad said:
-Now give me one and the other to your brother!
Son asks:
-What about mine?
Father answers:
-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The man came home early from work to find his wife lying n**... on the bed, crying her eyes out.
What's wrong? he asked.
I've got nothing to wear to the dance tomorrow night, she
sobbed.
Oh come on now! You've plenty of clothes, and with that
he went over to the wardrobe. See here, there's the nice
pink dress, the pale blue skirt, the yellow cocktail dress, hi
there Tom, the green silk gown…
[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens
The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.
When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren't surprised...
...but you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject
But I must say, it's pretty c**... of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck?
I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"
Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.
\**Wife rolls eyes*\*
Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."
\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*
Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I before E, except after C.
We ***feign agreeing***, but this ***foreign poltergeist*** of a rule is ***neither efficient*** nor smart- and ***therein*** lies the ***height*** of the issue. It's as if an ***ancient deity*** has influenced the ***zeitgeist*** of the people. We must remove the ***weight*** of this ***veil*** from ***their*** eyes, and ***forfeit*** the ***leisure*** of this ***weird*** and ***heinous*** rule from our ***science*** and ***leisure*** alike.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I looked her square in the eyes and said, "s**... isn't real, right? It's just u**..., right?"
"I meant any questions about the job." the interviewer sighed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men on a train both have black eyes.
Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"
Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful b**... girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"
Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you s**... b**...'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom opened the door and caught me m**....
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Even though my girlfriend is addicted to m**..., I still love her.
She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.
I bought a pug for my wife.
Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mp3 hits your ears a mp4 hits your eyes
An mp5 hits your vital organs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
A husband died
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
It's Einstein's turn. He counts till ten and opens up his eyes.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen.
Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein with a chalk in his hand. He's sitting on a box he's drawn, one metre a side.
Einstein: Newton you're terrible, I can see you!
Newton: No No Einy, you've found one Newton per square metre. You've found Pascal!
