eyed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious eyed puns

Tifu by walking in on my roommate masturbating

He looked at me wide eyed and yelled "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU MASTURBATING?!?"

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Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job?

Because she couldn't control her pupils.

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I had to dump my cross eyed girlfriend

I think she was seeing someone else

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I broke up with this cross eyed girl...

I thought she was seeing someone else.

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I once dumped a cross eyed girl...

...thought she was seeing someone else.

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ...

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I need to have surgery, because of my cicumcision.

I was born without eyelids, so the doctor said to my mom "all we have to do is circumcise him, and we can make eyelids out of his foreskin."
Long story short, I've been cock eyed ever since, I have great fore sight though.

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I have a cross eyed friend who just got diagnosed with depression.

Makes sense because he never looks forward to anything.

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My friend invited me to go and see a freak show...

He said 'they've got all sorts; a one eyed man called the cyclops, a woman covered in scales called the lizard lady, even a man with a willy where his nose should be'

'What do they call *him*' I asked

He said 'fuck knows'

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A Rich Woman And Her Butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler,
Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early.
She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room.
She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom.
She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.

"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally she looked at him and said,
"Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

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My buddy's first blow job

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first blow job"
Bartender replies, "First blow job eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

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A baby born with no eye lids

The mother is in shock and asked if the baby would ever be able to see and the doc replied "oh yes we would just get the skin after the circumcision and use for eye lids"
The mother still in shock asks "but will he be fine?"
The doctor says " yeah a little cock eyed but fine"

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An officer pulls over a car with 5 elder women on the freeway.

Approaching the car he notices the women in the back of the car are pale white and wide eyed.

The women was visibly confused about being pulled over and asked, Why was I pulled over I was going exactly 22 mph?

The officer tells her she wasn't speeding but she was going a lot slower than the speed limit.

She responds I was going the exact speed limit 22 MPH.

He laughs and says the that was the route number and not the speed limit.

The women smiled out of embarrassment and thanked the officer.

Just before the officer walked off he asked if everyone is ok in the car.

The women responds, They will be in a minute. We just got off route 119.

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Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

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Two friends are walking their dogs when the come across a restaurant...

Since they are hungry, they decide to go in and have a bite to eat. They're about to go in when one realizes that the restaurant doesn't allow dogs. The other says that they should pretend to be blind so that their dogs could act as seeing-eye dogs. After going in, the manager comes over to them and asks them to leave because of their dogs. "Ah!" The first guy said. "But my friend and I are blind, and these are our seeing-eye dogs!" "The man eyed him suspiciously. "A German Shepard?" He asked him. "Yes sir! They're using them more and more now. These dogs are extremely reliable!" "Ok," the manager says. "But what about you?" He says, pointing to the other guy, "A chihuahua?" "A CHIHUAHUA!? The other guy says. "THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA!?"

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I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

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Best one liner jokes

I didn't ready the sidebar so crucify me if need be.

I was just looking for the best one liner jokes you've ever heard. Clean or dirty, doesn't matter.

One that always gets me: Have you heard about the depressed, cross eyed girl? She never looked forward to anything.

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A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes. Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car. Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren. After all the I am going to build a huge statue of Hitler in my front yard." The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says "Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to Hitler, why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?" Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says "Simple, he gave me the numbers."

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Did you hear about the teacher who was always cross eyed?

She struggled to control her pupils.

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There was a one eyed teacher at my school

He was fired for only having one good pupil throughout his 6 year career

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I was surprised to see my eight year old son looking at me as I exited the shower.

Shocked and nude, I thought quickly to avoid an award moment with my son.

"Son, someday I promise your dick will be as big as mine." I said making the best of the situation

The son looked wide eyed at my fatherly penis; and promptly ran off screaming...

"Mommy, mommy, daddy's gonna cut half my dick off!!!"

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Do you know any martial arts?

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.


I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"


He says "No. Why the fuck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinees"?


"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my fucking beer you slanty eyed little prick".

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Two rabbis would go fishing regularly...

One day they decided to invite a priest that they had known for a long time. They reach their fishing hike and go out in their boat. One rabbi says: "hang on I forgot my lures," and he walks back to the shore for them. The priest stares wide eyed as the rabbi walks back over the water.

Some time later the other rabbi announces that he is thirsty and goes back walking over the water to get some soda. The priest is now really miffed. "If they can do it so can I,"and he steps outside the boat and promptly goes under.

The rabbis pull him into the boat and one of them asks the other: "should we tell him where the rocks are?"

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Daddy, what's sex?

A man was in his backyard when his 8 year old daughter comes out and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

The man things for a minute and tell himself if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know, so he goes on and tells his daughter all about the birds and the bees.

Once he was done, his daughter was sitting there, wide eyed, while his wife yells from inside, "Honey, did you tell dad dinner will be ready in a couple of secs yet?"

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Two Hobos are walking along a train track.

The one hobo goes to the other hobo, "Did I ever tell you about the best day of my life? I was walking down these very same tracks and out of the corner of my eye I saw a 50 dollar bill stuck between a track. I bought myself a case of Thunder Ripple and me and Sneaky Pete and One Eyed Dan partied all weekend like there was no tomorrow. Man that was a good time."

The other hobo replied, "Wow, that sound great! Let me tell you about the best couple of days of my life. I was walking along these very same tracks too when I came upon a beautiful naked women tied to the tracks. She had skin so fair and voluptuous breasts. I made sweet love her for the whole weekend. Never had a time like that ever again."

"Sweet Jesus, that's incredible" the other hobo practically screamed, "Did she ever go down on you, if you know what I mean?

"Nope. Funny thing that, I never could find her head."

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Where do you find red eyed rodents?

Hamsterdam!

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A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.

"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

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How to fix a cross-eyed bull...

A man on a farm had a bull who went cross eyed one day. He didn't know what to do so he decided he would call the local vet. The vet went down to the farm and said "Ah! No problem, I know just what to do." He went to his truck and got a long pipe. He then inserted that pipe into the bull's ass and blew really hard. The man was amazed to see the bull's eyes go back to normal. "See there you have it, all back to normal, that'll be $150." The farmer paid the vet and was happy his bull was back to normal.

A week goes by and the man notices the bull has gone cross eyed again. Well instead of paying $150, he decided he would just grab a pipe and do the same thing he saw the vet do. So he grabs a pipe, shoves it up the bull's ass, and blows really hard but to no avail. Reluctantly he calls the vet and asks him to come over.

The vet comes by and the farmer says "Look, I did just what you did but it's not working." He blows into the pipe that's up the bull's ass and shows the vet it doesn't work. The vet walks over and takes the pipe out of the bull's ass, turns it around and sticks the other end into the bull's ass. "Whoa, what're you doing?!" to which the vet replies. "Are you kidding me, that end was in your mouth, I'm not putting my mouth on that!"

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The crossed eyed teacher...

...had trouble controling his pupils.

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I dumped my lazy eyed g/f

I think she was seeing someone else

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Never date cross eyed people.

They might be seeing somebody on the side!

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The first time they took their son to a nude beach

the kid became wide eyed when he noticed all the naked ladies. Then he asked why some ladies' boobs were much larger than some other ladies' boobs. Mom, wanting to give a quick answer, said some women were not very smart but had big boobs to compensate.

Then he noticed how some men had large dicks and some had little ones. Mom, again, to get past the subject, said some men were not very smart, but had big dicks to compensate. The kid walks away, satisfied with his new knowledge.

Soon he came running back. "Mom, mom", he yells. "Dad is over there talking to a really dumb woman, and the longer he talks to her, the dumber he gets."

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I broke up with my cross eyed girlfriend

We could never see eye to eye

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The Oxymoron poem

Ladies and Gentlemen; hobos and Tramps; bug eyed mosquitos and legged ants: I come here before you to stand behind you to tell you a story I know nothing of.

One cold dark day in the middle of the night two dead boys stood up to fight, back to back they face each other, drew their swords and shot each-other! The deaf policeman heard this noise and came and killed those two dead boys.

Now if you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it to.

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A man who was born without eyelids...

...agreed to undergo a revolutionary operation where the missing skin was replaced by foreskin tissue.

He is a lot happier now, although he looks a little cock eyed.

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What are the most funny Eyed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Eyed? Well, here are the best Eyed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Eyed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes