Eye Roll Jokes
138 eye roll jokes and hilarious eye roll puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eye roll that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Eye Roll Short Jokes
Short eye roll jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eye roll humour may include short rolling eyes jokes also.
- I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
- "It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.
- What's chocolate's preferred pronouns? Her/she
I got an eye roll from the wife on this one. I guess that's the dad joke seal of approval. - Why are eye jokes worse than toe jokes? Because toe jokes may be cheesy, but eye jokes are cornea.
- Was grilling burgers and asked the wife if she wanted toasted buns She said yes. I said, well go stand by a fire… I could just about hear the eye roll.
- My 1 year old was eating dinner and his runny nose got on his food. My wife goes: "uh, yea the snot really makes it"
I replied: "A little sneezoning."
I don't think I've seen her eyes roll so hard. - My most dad joke for real life eye rolls. *giving someone a gift card for a specific shop*
Don't spend it all in one place! ;) - I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It's true!" "When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
- Where do fisherman keep their horses In their BARNacles.
-Made it up today for my little cousin who rolled his eyes. Gf thought it was funny. - -40° outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.
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Eye Roll One Liners
Which eye roll one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eye roll? I can suggest the ones about eye drop and eye socket.
- Bad puns That's how eye roll.
- I love jokes about eyes. The cornea the better. Bad puns are how eye roll.
- People hate my dad jokes. But that's how eye roll.
- What kind of eyes do Wal-Mart associates have? The ones that roll-back.
- A young woman rolled her eyes towards me, So I picked them up and rolled them back.
- One egg saw another egg crying. He rolled his eyes and said "You're so fragile."
- I asked a robot how he sees the world And he just rolled his eyes at me.
- What letter can you roll other than your R's? Your eyes
- When you drop the toilet paper and the roll world unravels before your eyes
- Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
- My mother-in- law is so cross-eyed, that when she cries the tears roll down her back!
Eye Roll Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about eye roll you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye sore jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eye roll pranks.
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.
The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black."
"No, no, no!" says the physicist.
"Only some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Alligator Shoes
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
"s**...!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms.
Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.
A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.
Poor Boy
A young boy is standing at the edge of a cliff, crying his eyes out.
A Catholic priest happens to walks past and, seeing the boy, asks, "Whats wrong, my child?"
"My mother and father were in the car and it rolled off the cliff. It exploded and they died, and I have no way of getting home!"
The priest looks around and, as he's unbuttoning his pants, says "This really isn't your day is it, my son?"
Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retire to their tent for the night. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, wake up and tell me what you see?"
"I see millions of stars."
"And what do you deduce from that, Watson?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Sherlock?"
Holmes rolled his eyes. "Watson, you idiot! It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!"
There was a Gay guy named Billy
Billy was dating a bisexual guy named Jordan. Recently, however, Jordan has started going to parties on Friday nights without inviting Billy. Billy, thinking that Jordan was ashamed of dating a guy, asks to go with him one day.
When they arrive at the bar, he notices that Jordan is not holding his hands like he usually does. When they walk in, a short, drunk blonde girl who wraps her arms around his waist. Jordan introduces the girl as Jean, who tells Billy that she's heard a lot about him. Billy wonders if he told her about their relationship and starts to get jealous. He tells Jordan that he's going to go home early.
Jordan follows him to the door and asks why he is leaving. Billy just says that he is not having fun and tells him to have fun with his "friend". Jordan realizes what this was all about and tells him that the girl was just someone he used to date. She recently had a child and he wanted to know whether the child was his or not.
Billy doesn't believe Jordan's story. He rolls his eyes and starts walking away again. However, Jordan stops him and looks him right in the eye. Then, he says, "Billy, Jean is not my lover. She's just some girl who said that I am the one. But the kid is not my son."
Two Men Go Hunting
A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
A frog walks into a bank...
...and walks up to the teller, Pat E. Black.
"I'd like to take out a loan"
Pat asks the frog, "What do you have for collateral?"
The frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small insignificant trinket. "This is all I have"
Pat laughs. "We can't take that."
The frog, furious, asks to see her supervisor.
The supervisor comes out from the break room, and Pat explains the situation. "It doesn't have any monetary value, so I denied him"
The supervisor rolls his eyes "Its a nic knack, Pat E Black. Give the frog a loan!"
When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season
* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself away from you.
* My heart burns like a mole of suns for you.
* If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put U and I together.
* Who needs Hydrogen if you're my #1?.
* I can feel a bond forming between us.
Any others would be appreciated
Cell Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
A traveling salesman...
A traveling salesman couldn't find a hotel one night.
He saw a light on a deserted road, and decided to knock on the door. It turned out to be a monastery; the monks were preparing dinner.
He was invited to join the others while the food was being prepared. They sat round in a circle; each monk would recite a number and the others would laugh. Intrigued, the salesman spoke up.
What are you guys doing?
One of the elder monks replied, We're telling jokes.
By saying numbers?
Yes. You see, we've heard the jokes so many times, we have them catalogued. We don't need to tell the whole joke; we just refer to its number. Go ahead and try.
The salesman thought for a second, and said, 78.
The monks were in hysterics. Some were doubled over with laughter, others had tears rolling down their eyes, a few were pounding the table with their fists.
When the laughter died down, the traveler asked, Can you tell me what's so funny?
We never heard that one before!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Too soon.
I was sitting at the bar babying my drink and I turn to notice a beautiful woman sitting alone in the corner. She seems solemn and desperate. I can't help but feel like there is something I can do to help so I approach her table. Walking toward her I notice a tear rolling down her face.
Are you alright? I ask.
No, I have recently lost someone very close to me, she replies burying her face in her hands as the tears stream from her eyes.
I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, would you like me to leave?
Actually I could use some company, but could we go somewhere more private? Nothing about this seems right but before I stop to gather my thoughts the words were already out.
My place is not far from here, I said with nervous excitement. Opening my front door she is all over me, we fall onto the couch kissing and groping. My hand slides to her inner thigh, she pushes me away with a look of disgust.
Is something wrong? I blurt feeling foolish and confused.
This just doesn't feel right, it's too soon, she said looking down with mauled eyes. Without thinking I ask,
Are you a lesbian? she glares wide eyed as her vulnerable demeanor quickly turns to rage, she slides a knife from her boot and replies
No, I'm a necrophile.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane...
They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country."
They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful."
When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other's faces he says, "I hate this country."
When the American gets home he sees a boy crying on the street. He goes to see whats wrong and the boy says, "I was walking my dog and a ball fell from the sky and killed him!"
When the Mexican gets home he sees a woman crying holding her face. He goes to help and asks what the problem is. She cries out, "I heard a wooshing sound, looked up, and a flower stabbed me in the eye!"
When the Arab gets home he sees a man rolling on the ground laughing. He asks the man whats so funny and the man chokes out the worlds, "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"
Well, you know what Monty Python always say...
A man sees his friend looking rather melancholy and tries to cheer her up. After listening to her woes he says to her "Well, you know what Monty Python always say..."
She rolls her eyes "Always look on the bright side of life?"
"No." He leaps to his feet, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
A blind man was out for a walk in a new neighborhood.
As it sometimes happens with blind people, he realized he'd taken a wrong turn. Trying to remain calm, he stepped off of the sidewalk and, discovering a change in temperature, took refuge under a nearby tree so that he might mentally retrace his steps. Inclining his face toward a perceived higher power, he muttered, "I just need a sign. A cyclist, a car, something to get me back on track." Taking a deep breath, he made for the sidewalk, his cane carving a path before him. But on the off swing, he missed a sign standing at the sidewalk's edge and smacked into it with his shoulder. Puzzled, he reached out to see what sort of obstacle he had encountered and, upon discovering what it was, rolled his eyes heavenward and said, "I didn't mean that kind of sign!"
Cell phone in public...
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... family was visiting the city...
...and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin'like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A panda walks into a bar...
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having s**..., the panda abruptly leaves.
The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says.
"For what?"
The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a p**...."
The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "p**...: Has s**... for money."
The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.
The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American goes to Japan....
...to close a big business deal. The night before, he is very tense so he picks up a h**... in the hotel bar. She speaks no English, but they get their transaction settled and go to his room.
In bed, she is wildly thrashing around screaming out a phrase in Japanese. The man figures she is loving it and tries to remember what she is yelling.
The next day, he is playing golf with his Japanese customer. On the third tee, the Japanese man swings, the ball makes a beautiful arc, hits the green, bounces twice, rolls, and winds up right in the cup -- a hole in one!
Thinking to impress his client, the man repeats the phrase he had heard so much the night before. The Japanese golfer eyes him and says, "What you mean.... wrong hole?"
An Amish boy and his Dad . . .
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
'Go get your Mother'
Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…
…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"
Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."
Juan: "Yeah?"
Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"
Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."
Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."
Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."
Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."
Juan: "What was it?"
Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"
Christ and Moses...
...are playing a round of golf. Jesus is on the green, but he puts away his putter and takes out a driver. Moses says "Put that away. You'll never get it in." "Nonsense," replies Jesus. "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." Jesus hits the ball too hard, and it falls into the water. Moses rolls his eyes, parts the waters, and brings the ball back. Not one to be deterred, Jesus takes out the driver again, saying "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." The ball once again goes into the water, Moses parts it, retrieves the ball, and gives it back. When once again Jesus fails to get the ball in, Moses refuses to help. So, Jesus steps out onto the water and proceeds to search for the ball. A man walking by looks incredulously at Jesus, turns to Moses and says "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," replies Moses. "Sam Snead."
What do you use to wipe off a table after breakfast?
A ragamuffin.
Knew it was a dadjoke as soon as I saw my 9 year old roll his eyes.
Sandy Duncan, when was asked for her review of tonight's Peter Pan Live!
"It was so bad I was rolling my eye."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Blondes and alligator shoes
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration .....s**...!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO !
So man goes to prison
On the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners.
He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter.
" What's going on?" he asked his cellmate.
"Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier."
"Oh," he says, "can I try?"
" Sure, go ahead."
So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.
"Wow, good joke huh?"
"Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"
So Jesus and Moses go to play golf...
...and its the very first tee off. Jesus says to Moses, "Hey, I think I can make this first shot in one, right over the lake."
"Only Tiger Woods could make that shot." says Moses. So Jesus tries anyway, and his golf ball lands him right in the lake. So Moses parts the water, gives Jesus back his ball, and Jesus tries again.
"I can really do it this time" says Jesus, at which point Moses rolls his eyes..."only tiger woods has made that shot Jesus, I'm not parting the water for you again."
Jesus goes for it, and this time, the golf ball indeed lands straight in the lake. Jesus rolls his eyes, and just decides to walk on the water to retrieve his golf ball.
As he is gliding over the water, some golfers come over the hill and shout "Hey! Look at that guy walking on water! Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ???"
"No," says Moses, "he thinks he's Tiger Woods."
A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway...
A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. "Wow!" he says. "You did eight miles today! That's amazing!"
The second day, the blonde's production is down to four miles. "Still pretty darn good," the supervisor says.
On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. "What's going on?" he asks. "The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What's the problem?"
The blonde rolls her eyes and says "Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!"
A man gets drunk...
and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.
The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.
'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'
'No mate, I haven't'
The priest dunks him in again and pulls him back out. The drunk thrashes around for a bit.
'Now have you found Jesus?'
'Nah bro, I haven't.'
The priest rolls his eyes and dunks the drunk one more time, and pulls him back up violently.
'HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS YET?'
The drunk, near suffocation, replies, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..
He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes. Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car. Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren. After all the I am going to build a huge statue of h**... in my front yard." The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says "Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to h**..., why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?" Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says "Simple, he gave me the numbers."
Two drunks
Two drunks were drinking on the roof of their trailer late one night in Texas. The first drunk looks up at the night sky and says to the other "The moon is so big, I been wonderin... Whad'ya think is closer, the Moon, or Florida?"
The second drunk gives his friend an amused look. "You can't be serious.." He slurs
The first drunk looks back at his friend in confused anticipation "Well?" he asks.
The second drunk then rolls his eyes and laughs. "Well.. Think about it. Can you see Florida from here?"
Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...
"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"
Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.
"Hey!" Trump interrupts, "Is she allowed to just steal my answer like that??"
Out of all my body parts, my eyes are in the best shape...
I roll them at least 489 times a day.
A guy is getting arrested...
... When the cop asks him "Sir, do you have any weapons on you?"
The guy flexes his biceps and says "Not unless you count these guns."
The cop rolls his eyes and said "No sir, we don't count your arms as weapons."
The guy replied "Good, I wouldn't want you to disarm me."
I came up with that one a couple of weeks back. Hope you guys don't think it's too lame.
Two hunters walk into the woods....
One of them trips over, he's not breathing and his eyes have rolled back into their sockets. The other hunter whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The lady on the line asks what's wrong.
"Help, help! I think my friend is dead!"says the hunter.
"Calm down, take a breather, help will be with you shortly. First you need to make sure that he is dead"says the woman.
There is a silence, then a gunshot Is heard.
The hunter goes back on the phone and says "okay, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two of the Trump children were cheating on an exam..
The first question was "Old MacDonald had a ______." Eric tried to see Tiffany's paper, couldn't, so whispered "Tiffany, what's the answer to number 1?" She rolled her eyes and said "You are the s**... one of the family. It's Old MacDonald had a farm, everyone knows that." "Oh right!" said Eric. He hesitates a minute then whispers "Hey Tiffany, how do you spell farm?" She rolls her eyes again, "Wow, you really are dumb. They tell you right in the song, it's EIEIO."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You old fool!
A farmer goes into the bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. His wife, in bed, looks up from her National Enquirer. She has curlers in her hair and green face cream all over her face.
The farmer says, "Sweetheart, this is the pig I sleep with when you won't give me what I want."
The wife rolls her eyes and says, "You old fool! That's a sheep."
The farmer replies, "You old fool, I wasn't talkin' to you!"
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
The cashier at the bakery is getting really annoyed with my jokes each morning.
She gives me the best eye roll every time I go in.
Dad: Have you heard about the pressure washer?
Dad: "have you heard about the pressure washer?"
Daughter: "no."
Dad: *rolls eyes* "pshhhhhhhhhhhhh."
The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree
Son: "Dad where did I come from?"
Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."
Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."
Dad: "I slipped in cider."
A man walks into a small bank
There is no queue and a single teller who he approaches, a big smile on their face visible after a quick glance around:
"Hey, you know something? I like my banks how I like my ladies."
The teller rolls her eyes before asking "How?"
While pulling out a handgun, the man answered:
"Insecure."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Got a pretty good eye roll from the wife on this one
My wife was telling me about the hellish day that she had today. When she finished, I thought I would do the right thing and offer to do something nice for her.
ME: "Well babe, if you want, when we get in bed tonight I'll give you the longest and best massage you can imagine. It'll be like you went to a professional masseuse."
She gave me a really skeptical look and asked: "Wait...am I going to end up paying for this massage with s**... afterwards?"
"No you don't have to PAY for it with s**.......but a tip would be appreciated."
LPT: When the next solar eclipse rolls around, you can use a colander to view the eclipse.
Just be sure you don't strain your eyes.
You hear about the Jewish Mother Doll?
You pull the string and it rolls it eyes and says, "AGAIN with the string?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pastor cuts his chin while shaving one Sunday morning.
He hurriedly puts a band-aid on and rushes to his church for the 10:00 am service.
Afterwards, a member of the congregation, an older woman, comes up to the pastor and asks, "Excuse me, but what happened to your face?" The pastor replies "I was thinking about my sermon and I cut my chin." The old lady rolls her eyes and says "Maybe you should think about your chin, and cut your sermons."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."
Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."
Getting pulled over
Female Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No, what's wrong?
Female Cop: Nothing.
Me: Are you sure?
Female Cop: I SAID nothing's wrong. I'm fine.
Me: So...
Female Cop: *(rolls eyes)* Just go.
A blonde walked into a library
Wait that's not the whole joke!
And she asked the librarian, Do you have pasta?
The librarian rolled her eyes and answered, Miss, this is library.
The blonde whisper, Do you have pasta?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"
Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.
\**Wife rolls eyes*\*
Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."
\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*
Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."
The tomcat next door just professed his love to my kitty.
He told her he would even die for her if he had to.
She rolled her eyes and asked him, 'Oh yeah? How many times?'
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.
The girl asked, Mother, what is this?
The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, I have not idea."
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
After he got in, the walls closed and the numbers counted up and then down. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, Go get your father.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can tell when my wife is bored giving me a h**......
...because she rolls her eyes and starts doing the j**... motion with her other hand.
A man wants to know about his future
He heads over to the most renown Gypsy card reader in the country.
"Please, what does my future hold for me?"
"Mmmmmmmm the cards tell me your ex-wife will be involved in a terrible accident!" Yelled the Gypsy.
The man rolls his eyes and says:
"....Yes, yes I know, but is there gonna be any evidence against me?!?"
My 6yo burned me....
I came home from hunting the other day to my family eating breakfast. As I came up to the table my daughter looks at me,
Hadley: Daddy I know where you've been.....
Me: You do? Did your momma tell you?
Hadley: Nope, but I can tell you've been hunting cause your wearing all camo
Me: Yep, you sure are smart. But it wasn't that great today I only shot two ducks......
Hadley: Well maybe if you didn't dress like a hunter you could get more animals (then rolls her eyes)......
......I've been doing it wrong for years
A man and a woman had been arguing over who should make the coffee.
This discussion went on for quite some time, with both parties refuse to budge.
The woman then says "I don't have to make the coffee because the bible says so."
To which the man responds " yeah ok, there is nothing in the bible about coffee!"
The woman, flustered, gets up from her seat and leaves the room.
She returns moments later with an open bible, sifting through the pages.
The man rolls his eyes.
"Here it is!" The woman exclaims, " a whole section about it! Right at the top of the page! It says, 'He brews'"
After yoga class, everyone was feeling a bit hungry
...so we all agreed to go grab a bite together but as we went to invite our instructor, he was in such a deep trance that his only response was a long drawn "ohm" constant throughout his breathing.
We tried for a good twenty minutes before finally his eyes rolled opened and his smile shined brightly
Now that we had finally gotten his attention, we told him the plan:
"We're all going to leave and grab a bite to eat, would you like to come with us and join in?"
He took in a large, deep breath before quietly responding:
"Namaste"
A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver
The cop tells the driver "License please."
"What is a license?" the driver answers.
The cop replies "it goes in your wallet, has a picture of you on it..."
As the blonde driver digs through her purse, after a while she pulls an object out, looks at it for a second, smiles, says "Found it! Here you go officer!" and hands a mirror to the cop.
The cop takes off her aviators, looks in the mirror, rolls her eyes, and hands it back to the driver.
"If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend who had Epilepsy?
I went to a rave. I thought it was so cool that I filmed it. But when I showed it to her, she just rolled her eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
She rolled over and looked at me very seductively and said "I want you to make me scream by using your fingers"....
So I poked her in the eye.
I couldn't believe my local casino had a 'bring your own custom dice' night.
I just rolled my eyes.
If you call Tech Support, don't do this...
* Tech Support: "Ok, let's put your operating system disk in the drive."
* Customer: "Ok...which way does it go in?"
* Tech Support: "The shiny side faces down."
* Customer: "Alright...um...which way is down."
* Tech Support: *(rolling eyes)* "Towards the floor."
* Customer: "Ahhh...so what way does the other side face?"
* Tech Support: "Are you kidding?"
* Customer: *(outraged)* "Hey! I'm not a computer genius, ok? That's why I called you!"
* Tech Support: "Ok, that side faces down too."
That kept the customer occupied for a couple of minutes...
Memory Test
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "274."
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
The third man quickly answers, "Nine."
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was fishing when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to s**... a frog and knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket...
Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit, so I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.
His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.
It was that snake, with two more frogs...