Eye Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye

Use chemicals to remove the Polish and you're literally Hitler.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone's looking down, nobody's making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"

Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!

My wife was trying to describe what it's like shopping for a bra.

As an analogy she suggested, "It'd be like trying to find something to hold your dick that looks nice *and* feels good."

...

I looked her straight in the eye and said, "I did."

I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

The Polish eye exam.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters

~~'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'~~ 'C Z W I K S N O S T A C Z'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's a Moray.

A blind man and his mistress.

A blind guy visited his choir mistress at home and found her bathing. Since he was blind, she let him in.

After bathing, she came out naked, spread her legs and started shaving in front of him. She tried to make a conversation by asking him, Brother John, what brings you here? Is everything OK at home?

He replied, Yes, very fine. I came to tell you that I have done the eye surgery and I can see very clearly now.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"

"Yes, sir"

"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"

"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:

C Z Y N Q S T A S Z

The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?

„Read it? , the Pole replies, „I know the guy!

They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet

I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

So I was dating this girl with a lazy eye...

It would have worked out, but then I realized she was seeing someone on the side.

Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye...

but I dumped her because she kept seeing people on the side.

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye

so I ordered reallllyy slow, because she obviously doesn't listen.

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

My whole life before age 12 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

A young gay man...

decides to finally reveal his sexual lifestyle to his mother. He sits her down at the dinner table and tells her everything.

Mom sits quietly for a time, and then looks him dead in the eye and asks: "Does this mean you let another man put his penis in your mouth?"

A little unsettled by such a direct question, he stammers; "Uh, well, yes. Yes I do."

She waggles a finger at him and says "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

The next person to show me that dress...

...is gonna get a white and gold eye.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my ass?"
She stares at him and says, "No, I'm your daughters teacher!"

A blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. . .

The bartender begins to greet him, but is shocked to see the man grab the dog by the tail, and swing it around his head.

"What the fuck are you *doing?!*" the barman cries. The blind man shrugs.
"Just having a look around."

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye,

It was going well for a few months until I realized she was seeing someone else.

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers.
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house...

I looked her dead in the eye and said, "the motherfucking decepticons". She laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

what do you call a blind deer?

no eye deer

what do you call a blind deer without legs?

still no eye deer.

what do you call a blind deer without legs that has been castrated?

still no fucking eye deer

So this black guys stopped me on the subway and asked "did the Yankees win?"

I looked him in the eye and said "Yes, it's ok, you're free now"

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

The other day, I tried to tell a joke to an American cop...

Well, instead of laughing, he just looked me dead in the eye and said, "That's not funny. What the fuck is wrong with you?"


I guess my sense of humor's so dark, the police will shoot it down.

When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind.

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

A bloke walks into a barber's shop with his 5 yr old daughter.

While he sit's down to get his hair cut, the daughter stands right beside him eating a cupcake.

The barber warns her:
"Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

She looks him in the eye:
"I know. I'm gonna grow tits too."

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

A pirate talks with his captain...

'Captain, how did you get your peg leg?'

'Yarrr... Me ship sank. I was rescued, but not before a great white took me leg.'

'What about your hook hand?'

'Me ship was boarded. I repelled the bastards, but not before I lost me hand.'

'And what about your eye patch?'

'Yarrr... a bird shit in me eye.'

'I don't understand.... How did that cause you to lose an eye???'

'It was me first day with the hook!'

What do you call a fat kid with 3 teeth and a lazy eye?

Names.

A couple have four children.

The first three have ginger hair and green eyes, while the youngest has brown hair and eyes. On his death bed, the husband says to his wife, Be honest with me: is our youngest child truly mine? His wife looks him in the eye and says a firm Yes. The man breathes a sigh of relief and passes away. His wife breathes a similar sigh of relief: Thank fuck he didn't ask about the other three!

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia, he only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal....

If you send just $2.00, you get the video for it. It's fucking hilarious.

Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye...

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit.

I was dating a girl with a lazy eye.

Unfortunately I had to break up with her because she was seeing someone else on the side.

How can you tell what kind of eel you're looking at?

Well, if the moon hits it's eye like a big pizza pie, it's a moray.

An Arab man slapped his wife, and she was insulted.

She went to her father and told him, "An eye for an eye. My husband has slapped me, and you must avenge me"

So her father asked, "On which cheek did did he slap you?"

"He slapped my left cheek."

So the father slapper his daughter on the right and said, "Be happy, I have avenged you. You can tell your husband that he has slapped my daughter, but I have slapped his wife"

*Joke borrowed from Les Miserables, written in 1862.*

I think my optometrist is in love with me.

Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"

What are the funniest eye jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Eye? Well, here are the best Eye puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Eye pick up lines to share with friends.

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