Eye Drop Jokes

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited.

He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

Fishing in a frozen lake
It was a cold winter day.

An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him.
The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

One day, Little Johnny's grandmother sent him to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him.
He dropped the bucket and ran back to grandma's house as fast as he could.
"Where's my bucket and my water?" She asked.
"I can't get any water from that water hole, there's a mean ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny.
He's been there for years, and he's never hurt no one.
Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"
"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, “You.”

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of s**... in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's drop-dead gorgeous.
Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

Helping The Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her p**... and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."

A very elderly couple...

A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary. The man said to his wife "Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed. "Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally she says to her husband, "You."

A pirate at the local bar discusses his past.

A s**... meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The s**... notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The s**... asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the s**.... "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the s**.... "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

Two little boys, ages 6 and 8, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 6 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
"Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?!"
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time!"
"GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Warm Milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane...

They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country."
They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful."
When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other's faces he says, "I hate this country."
When the American gets home he sees a boy crying on the street. He goes to see whats wrong and the boy says, "I was walking my dog and a ball fell from the sky and killed him!"
When the Mexican gets home he sees a woman crying holding her face. He goes to help and asks what the problem is. She cries out, "I heard a wooshing sound, looked up, and a flower stabbed me in the eye!"
When the Arab gets home he sees a man rolling on the ground laughing. He asks the man whats so funny and the man chokes out the worlds, "I f**... and the building behind me blew up!"

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.
The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.
Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.
-------
Bonus: i**... is a family-wise error.

Some translated jokes

A man is accused of killing his mother in law and he is in court. The judge asks why he killed her. The man says "I didn't kill her. She died because she ate a poisonous apple." "Then why are her eyes black?" asks the judge. "She said she won't eat it."
***
Another man is accused of killing his friend by stabbing him 48 times. In court the judge asks why he killed his friend. The man says "I did not kill him Your Honor. I was peeling potatoes at home when my friend came to visit me. I dropped the knife when I tried to get up to greet him, but unfortunately he slipped and fell on the knife by his chest 48 times."
***
An officer becomes a platoon leader. He lined up his troops and holding a paper with the names of the soldiers he called their names to see who is who. He calls "John" and a soldier goes "Here!". "Smith", "Here!". And as he progressed down the list calling their names one name came up. Not thinking much the officer calls "Cat" and a soldier goes "Here!". Funny name, he thinks to himself and sees the next name. Confused the officer calls "Get your foot off the fence." and a soldier goes "Here!" After a few odd and strange names the officer says "You people have some strange names." and a soldier goes "Here!"

A rancher dies and leaves everything to his wife

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

h**... s**...

Cletus, a seven-year-old h**..., comes up to his dad one day and says, "Daddy, what's s**...?'
The dad says, "Why Cletus! You're all of seven years old, and you don't know what s**... is?"
Cletus drops his eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."
The dad says, "C'mere, young'n." Takes him by the wrist and into their shack, where the mom is passed out on the couch from drinking corn liquor all morning.
The dad lifts up her threadbare calico dress, points, and says, "See that hole twixt yer mammy's legs?"
"Yes."
"Well, watch this." He drops his pants, gets on, and starts boning the mom.
Cletus is watching, wide-eyed, and his sister, five-year-old Lu Ella, comes in, gasps, and says, "Cletus! What're they doin'?"
"Having s**...."
"What's s**...?"
"Why Lu Ella! You're all of five years old, and you don't know what s**... is?"
Lu Ella drops her eyes and says, "No, I shorely don't."
Cletus says, "See that hole twixt Daddy's legs? Watch this!"

Out on the golf course, a beautiful woman asks three men for some help with her putt.

"Whichever of you can help me sink this putt, I will give that guy a night he will never forget."
The teenager walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."
The middle-aged man walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster! Aim 12 inches to the right, and the ball will break left two feet from the hole and fall into the cup."
The elderly man looks at the other two men in disgust, picks up the ball, drops it into the cup, takes her by the arm and says, "That's a Gimme."

Went to the doctors the other day..

Went to the doctors the other day.
Get into the surgery when his phone rings.
Doc said "I gotta go. Look after the surgery for me while I'm gone. Don't worry, there's only 3 more patients, it won't take long. I'll be back in 15 minutes."
And off he goes.
When he comes back, he asks "How did it go?"
"First person came in - headache. I said 'Take paracetamol.'"
"Well done." Said the Doc.
"Second person came in - Indigestion. I said 'Take gaviscon.'"
"Well done!"
"Third one came in. Couldn't believe it! Beautiful young girl. Took all her clothes off, jumped on the bed and shouted 'Help me! Help me! Help me! I haven't seen a man in years!'"
"Wow! What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes"

A man and a woman get married in the old west.

They're riding their horses out into the sunset, but the woman's horse stops suddenly and throws the woman off the back. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's one."
A little further on, they hear a loud thunderclap, and the woman's horse rears up and tosses her off its back again. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's two."
Finally, as they're nearing their house, the horse yet again drops the woman off of it's back. The man looks the horse in the eye and says "That's three." He pulls his gun out and shoots the horse dead.
The woman turns to the man, shocked, and screams "You didn't have to do that! It was a strong horse and we could have sold it for good money!"
Then the man turned around, looked the woman in the eyes, and said "That's one."

Since we're translating Russian jokes...

A tiny little car, made out of a beer can, pulls up at a gas station.
A tiny little man inside the car honks his high-pitched horn to call over the attendant.
The attendant arrives and asks what he can do for the little man.
The little man asks for 5 drops of gasoline. The attendant carefully pumps 5 drops of fuel into the little car using an eye-dropper and asks if there's anything else.
The little man asks for 2 drop of radiator coolant. The attendant is getting aggravated but complies, and adds coolant using a teaspoon and asks if there will be anything else.
The little man asks to have the pressure in one of his tires checked. The attendant very agitated at this point replies, how should I fill that, with a f**...?

Man gets asked how he got his offset eye

The newcomer asks the man, "Though this may be inappropriate to ask, what happened to your eye?"
The man smiles and responds, "Truth is, I was born without an eyelid."
The newcomer's eyes open wide.
"Yeah, strangest thing. No eyelid on one eye. Doc said he'd never seen anything like it. He told my parents it was a long shot, but there was one thing he could try."
The newcomer leans in to hear this.
"What they did is, when they circumcised me, they took the extra skin and made an eyelid out of it."
The newcomer's jaw drops.
"Yeah, I've been cockeyed ever since!"

A man goes out for a walk in the woods.

Suddenly, he sees something out of the corner of his eye. He starts walking closer, curious, when all of a sudden, a huge mound of fur jumps in front of him.
It's a grizzly bear.
Absolutely terrified, the man thinks to himself, 'Welp, time to pray.' But what to pray for?
Suddenly, a brilliant idea comes to him.
"Dear God, please make this bear a Christian. Christians can't kill people."
A second later, the bear drops to its knees, and puts its paws together in a manner akin to praying, and growls. "Dear Lord, I thank you for this meal I am about to receive."

s**...

A s**... meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The s**... notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the s**... asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".
"Wow!" said the s**.... "What about the hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the s**.... "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

A New Kind of Speech Therapy

So there is a twelve year old boy who has never uttered a sound. He just DOESN'T speak. His mother has spent a fortune on various doctors, but no success.
One day she meets an old friend who's child had a similar problem. She suggested a certain specialist who might be able to help, but she said "I have to warn you, his methods are a little frightening!".
The woman takes her son to this new doctor, and he gives the boy a complete physical examination. At one point the Doc asks the boy to drop his shorts, and close his eyes. The boy does so, and the doctor grabs the boys t**... and twists them.
The boy screams out "AAAAAAYYYY!!!"
The doctor says "Good. Tomorrow we work on B!".

The Irish Nun and warm milk

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."

A man hears the phone ringing...

A man hears the phone ringing while he is in his sports team change room, he picks it up.
"Hey honey, I saw a really nice dress for $1000, can I buy it? It looks really nice" said the voice.
"Sure, go ahead if you like it so much" the man says.
"Thanks, and also the car we looked at last week for $89,000, no one else is buying it, can I buy it? It's really fuel efficient" the voice replies"
"You can buy that too" the man replies again.
"Thank you, just one last thing, the house we looked at last month has dropped from $1.5 million to $1.4, I'm sure it'll be fine, can I buy that too?" the voice responds.
"You may buy the house" the man says.
"Thank you so much honey" the voice says then hangs up.
Astonished the mans teammates are looking at the man, eyes wide and mouth open. The man looks at them holding the phone out and asks "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"

Wife comes home late at night.

Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.
Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, there are two. She flings open the closet and grabs the bat. After several good thwacks she drops the bat and runs downstairs, aghast at what she may have done.
Once she makes it to the kitchen, she spots her husband. "Hey honey. You're home early. Hope you don't mind, but my parents' heater went out and I gave them our bed for the night."

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.
"Just don't tell Dad" she says.
*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.
An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."
Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.
Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."
The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:
"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."