Eye Doctor Jokes

122 eye doctor jokes and hilarious eye doctor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eye doctor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Eye Doctor Short Jokes

Short eye doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eye doctor humour may include short eye exam jokes also.

  1. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
  2. My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
  3. I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.
  4. "YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!" \- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.

    (credit goes to my mom)
  5. "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."
  6. A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"
  7. I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee... My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug
  8. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  9. A chinese man goes to the eye doctor... The doctor says "You have cataract. " and the chinese guy says "No, I have a rinkin continental."
  10. A Russian Goes For His Eye Examination The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.
    The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name

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Eye Doctor One Liners

Which eye doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eye doctor? I can suggest the ones about eye related and optometrist.

  1. You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
  2. My eye doctor told me he could fix my vision with witchcraft. At least he's opti-mystic.
  3. Why cant an eye doctor count to 3? They never make it past 1, or 2. 1, or 2?
  4. Doctor : You've got a problem in your eyes Me : Oh i see
    Doctor : No you can't
  5. I thought I saw an eye doctor in Alaska yesterday But it was only an optical Aleutian
  6. Doctor told me I have viral eye infection... Must be the cornea virus
  7. My wife had an affair with my eye doctor I didn't even see it coming.
  8. What do you call a one night stand between two eye doctors? An optome-tryst.
  9. Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into? Everyone!
  10. So I had to go to an eye doctor in Alaska Turned out it was an optical Aleutian
  11. What do you call an eye doctor living in Alaska? An optical Aleutian.
  12. Why can't blind people regain their vision? Because they can't see the eye doctor
  13. Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor! Everybody!
  14. If you don't see color , unfriend me right now....... ..... and go see an eye doctor.
  15. Why did the cat go to the eye doctor? because he had a cat-aract

Eye Doctor joke, Why did the cat go to the eye doctor?

Cheerful Fun Eye Doctor Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about eye doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ophthalmologist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eye doctor pranks.

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop m**... for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

My Dad told me this one today

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor,
The doctor tells him "You have a cataract",
The man says "No, I drive a Rincoln."
My dad told this one to me today and just thought it was hilarious

A man goes to the doctor ...

... and says "Doctor, I'm having a really strange problem. I can't get the song *What's New, p**...* out of my head.
Doctor says, "Well, it sounds like you may have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man opens his eyes wide. "I never heard of that before," he said. "Is it rare?"
Doctor shakes his head. "It's not unusual."

Needed: Eyelids

A baby is born with no eyelids. The doctors need a solution, and fast. The best solution, and the one they arrive at, is to use his f**... for his new eyelids. They successfully attach his f**... as eyelids, with only one complication. Now hes a little c**...-eyed.

s**... after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

So a man was going blind.

He goes to the the doctor and pleads,
"Doctor you have to help, I think I'm going blind!"
the doctor leans in with his little flashlight and says,
"Mmhm, I'm going to need you to stop m**...."
the man cries out,
"But why??"
the doctor simply says,
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

An old snake

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Born without eyelids.

Last week a little boy was born at the hospital without any eyelids. Puzzled the doctors didn't know what to make of it. In a snap of genius, when they circumcised the boy they also replaced his missing eyelids. Only problem is now he's c**...-eyed.

An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

A man visits his doctor...

and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

An old Chinese lady goes to see the eye doctor...

The optometrist gives her the regular eye exam then proceeds to do a few more tests because of her advanced age. After peering through one of his instruments into her eyes, he says "Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got cataracts." To which the Chinese woman replied, "No cataracts, I drive a Rincoln."

A Chinese man goes to the eye doctor complaining of poor eyesight in his left eye.

The doctor says I see you have a cataract . The Chinese man says, "No I don't...I have a rincoln continental."

Did you hear about that baby boy that was born with no eyelids?

The doctors actually used his f**... from circumcision to construct his eyelids. He's OK, but just a little c**...-eyed.

Poor kid

Was reading the news this morning and saw an article about a kid in Denver born without any eye lids.
The doctor decided that since the parents were having him circumcised, the f**... could be made into eye lids for the kid.
The surgery actually turned out really well, kids just a little cockeyed.

A man who recently lost his eye goes into the doctor...

Patient: "Doctor, is there anything we can do to replace my eye?"
Doctor: "Well, we could transplant a donor eye.."
Patient: "Really? Would I be able to see again?!"
Doctor: "No, but it's just for looks anyway!"

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea.

He told me to take the spoon out.

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the f**... to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him c**...-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

A kid was born without eye lids, so they used the spare skin from his circumcision to form some. Everything turned out fine, except...

the doctor said he was a little cockeyed.

A baby was born this morning with no eyelids.

So the doctors used the baby boy's f**... to create functional eyelids.
Doctors say the baby is doing fine, all vitals look good, but he's a little c**...-eyed.

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Former eye doctor Rand Paul decided to run for president in 2016

Of all people, you would have thought he'd have 2020 vision

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor

The eye doctor says, "Sir, you have a cataract".
And the Asian man says, "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental".

Did anyone else hear about the baby who was born recently, without eyelids? The doctors actually used his f**... to make a pair of lids for him.

It was an experimental procedure, and it worked great!.... except now he's all c**...-eyed.

A guy goes to see his eye doctor, who tells him, "You've got to stop m**...."

"Why? Am I going blind?" The guy asks.
"No," says the eye doctor, "but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

A Chinese Man goes to the eye doctor

A Chinese guy goes to an eye doctor and the doctor says,
"I know why you've been having trouble. you have a cataract." and the Chinese guy says, "No I drive a rincon continental,"

You hear the one about the kid who was born with no eyelids?

The doctor was able to make new ones for him with the kid's f**.... When the parents asked if he'll be fine, the doctor replied, "Oh he'll be fine, he'll just be a little c**...-eyed."

"Just spots"

"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
"Did you ever see a doctor?"
"No, just spots."

A Polish man goes to the eye doctor...

A polish man goes to the eye doctor. The bottom line of the eye chart has the letters:
The Optometrist asks „Can you read this?
„Read it? , the Pole replies, „I know the guy!

So a man had his eye lids burned off in a fire and the doctors used a new procedure to replace them with his f**...

He came out just fine besides being a little cockeyed.

A baby was born with no eyes lids...

So the doctors decided to circumcise him and use the skin to craft new eyes lids.
They botched it though and he came out looking a bit c**...-eyed.

A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate f**.... A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own f**.....I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

My friend had to go to the doctor, because all he could see were d**....

Turns out he was c**...-eyed.

A Polish guy went to check his vision...

**Doctor asked** - *can you read any of those letters? read it for* me.
The eye test chart: C Z J W I N O S T A W C Z
**Polish guy** - *Oh god, I know that guy!!*

A man is donating at his local s**... bank, right as he finishes the doctor walks in....

covers his eyes, and says dont worry I didnt see nuttin

A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:

Doctor: Can you read the letters?
Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!

Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop m**...."

When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

A c**... goes to the eye doctor..

After the exam the doctor said, "I know why you're having trouble." The c**... says, "Why?" Doctor said, "You have a cataract." c**... says, "No, I have a Rincoln Continental."

Patient: "Doctor, my eye hurts when I drink my tea..."

Doctor: "Well take the spoon out then.."

A little boy was born with no eyelids..

A little boy was born with no eyelids. The doctor said when we circumcise him we can take some of that skin and make him new ones. As the boy grew up he was able to see just fine, other than being a little c**...-eyed!

There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids.
It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little c**...-eyed

His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor's surgery.

Why is your stomach so big? – he asks.
I´m having a baby. – she replies.
Is the baby in your stomach? – he asks, with his big eyes.
Yes, it is. – she says.
Is it a good baby? – he asks, with a puzzled look.
Oh, yes. A really good baby. – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: Then why did you eat him?

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."

Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little c**...-eyed.

A man says to his doctor...

"Every time I drink tea I get a sharp pain in my eye"
So the doctor says "Take the spoon out."

Did you hear about the baby boy born without eyelids?

Fortunately, doctors were able to use his f**... to create functional eyelids. While an overall success, the surgery did leave him a little c**...-eyed.

With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"

Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"

I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."

Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."

Did you hear about the doctor that ignored an eye infection and went blind?

He examined himself, but couldn't see anything wrong.

A Welsh man goes for an eye test.

Doctor: Can you read this chart from top to bottom please.
Welshman: Read it!? I know the guy!

There was a boy born without eye lids last week!

Doctors were able to make him eye lids out of the f**... from his circumcision.

They think he will be alright, but he is going to be a little c**...-eyed.

A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. What's wrong with me doc? He asks.

The doctor replies Well it looks like you're not eating right.

After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.

After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..
"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.
"It may be time to take away her life support."
Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..
"Did someone mention takeaway?"

Went to an eye specialist because I couldn't read fluently

The doctor told me "Son, I have bad news for you and for what I see, you will have to deal with this condition since we don't have a cure for it" and proceded to hand me a paper with my results. I was extremely happy with it!
How can it be bad news having daylisex for life?

Every time I drank coffee I got a sharp pain in my eye. I went to the doctor

He said take the spoon out if the cup!

Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye

Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I am having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It is a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"

Asian guy goes to a eye doctor

After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"

I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they'd mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.

She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.
Well, weaknesses... he said I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality
"And your greatest strength? She asked.
Oh, I'm the Batman

A man would like to live 150 years

He goes to the doctor and asks if it may be possible:
The doctor asks : « Do you drink alcohol? 
- Not at all.
- Do you do drugs ?
- Never ever!
- Do you have numerous s**... partners?
- No. »
The doctor then looks the man deep in the eye and asks: « then why the h**... do you want to live 150 years?? »

A blonde woman showed up to her doctor's office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes

The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.
The blonde woman replied, I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop

A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops.

At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: *So how's it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot ?*''
The patient, who's been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, *No. I'm afraid to*.

I thoight I saw an eye doctor when I was in Alaska

But it turned out to be an Optical Aleutian

What should I do?

A man was at the doctor's office. "Every time I drink a cup of coffee, Doctor, I have a stabbing pain in my right eye. What should I do?" he asked .
"Take the spoon out of your cup. " answered the doctor.

Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake.

Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."
The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.
"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

A Russian, went to USA for an eye check up

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know this guy, he's my cousin.

An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!
"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.

A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery

He asks his doctor: How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?
Doctor: It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.
Patient: That's amazing, I've never played the piano before!

"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."

"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now?
Of course."
The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,
"Oh i see! You forgot to remove the spoon!

Eye Doctor joke, "Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."

jokes about eye doctor