Eye Doctor Jokes
122 eye doctor jokes and hilarious eye doctor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eye doctor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Eye Doctor Short Jokes
Short eye doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eye doctor humour may include short eye exam jokes also.
- Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
- My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
- I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease. I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.
- "Doctor, Every time I drink coffee I get pain in my eye." "Take the spoon out of your cup."
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island. It turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- A chinese man goes to the eye doctor... The doctor says "You have cataract. " and the chinese guy says "No, I have a rinkin continental."
- With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?" Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"
- Did you hear about the doctor that ignored an eye infection and went blind? He examined himself, but couldn't see anything wrong.
- Asian guy goes to a eye doctor After the checkup the doctor says "The problem is you have a cataract" then the Asian guy responds with"No I have a tesra"
- Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
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Eye Doctor One Liners
Which eye doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eye doctor? I can suggest the ones about eye related and optometrist.
- You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
- My eye doctor told me he could fix my vision with witchcraft. At least he's opti-mystic.
- Why cant an eye doctor count to 3? They never make it past 1, or 2. 1, or 2?
- Doctor : You've got a problem in your eyes Me : Oh i see
Doctor : No you can't - Doctor told me I have viral eye infection... Must be the cornea virus
- My wife had an affair with my eye doctor I didn't even see it coming.
- What do you call a one night stand between two eye doctors? An optome-tryst.
- Why can't blind people regain their vision? Because they can't see the eye doctor
- Why did the cat go to the eye doctor? because he had a cat-aract
- One eyed man Comes to the doctor. Doctor asks: what's wrong. The man says: 'm mssng an
- "One day you'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!!!" -*A really enthusiastic and positive eye doctor*
- What did the eye doctor say to Ice Cube? O'Shea, can you see?
- My eye doctor told me I have 2030 vision But I don't know what I'll be doing in 12 years.
- If Superman was a doctor, what would he specialize in? Laser eye surgery.
- Why do eye doctors make such great scam artists? Nobody can read the fine print.
Cheerful Fun Eye Doctor Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about eye doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ophthalmologist jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eye doctor pranks.
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."
Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
My Dad told me this one today
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor,
The doctor tells him "You have a cataract",
The man says "No, I drive a Rincoln."
My dad told this one to me today and just thought it was hilarious
A man goes to the doctor...
And says 'doctor doctor! You gotta help me! Every time I have tea I get a sharp pain in my eye!'
The doctor looks at him. 'The next time you have tea,' he says, 'take the spoon out of the cup first.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s**... life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
An old snake
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine, doc. I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Born without eyelids.
Last week a little boy was born at the hospital without any eyelids. Puzzled the doctors didn't know what to make of it. In a snap of genius, when they circumcised the boy they also replaced his missing eyelids. Only problem is now he's c**...-eyed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Recurring Visions
This is an old one.
A man goes to a psychologist and says "Doc, you have to help me. I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes my mother is right there giving me grief. When I open them, it's even worse, there she is again nagging and bullying me. Sometimes its so bad, at night time, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The doctor looks at him and replies "What? One piece of toast? For a big boy like you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The doctor told me I should stop m**... today.
So I look him straight in the eye and asked him "why?".
And then he said something about not being able to work in these conditions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At The Eye Doctor's
A woman went to her optometrist for an exam. The doctor turned the exam chart on the wall and asked her to read it. she replied that she couldn't see anything. He increased the size to 6″ and asked her to try again. Still nothing.
So he enlarged it again to a foot. Still cant see it. out of frustration he pulled out his manhood, and asked if she could see it. She said Oh yes Dr i can see it quite clearly.
He said, Just as I thought, you're cockeyed.
A man who recently lost his eye goes into the doctor...
Patient: "Doctor, is there anything we can do to replace my eye?"
Doctor: "Well, we could transplant a donor eye.."
Patient: "Really? Would I be able to see again?!"
Doctor: "No, but it's just for looks anyway!"
An asian man goes to the eye doctor...
Doctor: "Sir you have cataracts."
Asian man: "No I drive a honda."
Mr Wong goes to the Eye Doctor...
Mr Wong goes to the Eye Doctor. He tells the Dr "I cannot see where." The doctor gives him an exam and says "Mr Wong, I know what your problem is. You have cataracts." Mr Wong replies angrily "No sir!! I drive Rincoln Continentor!!"
A cricketer walks into a hospital
with blood pouring out of his eyes, the doctor says "Ebola" and the cricketer replies "Nah, i'm a batsman"
It's an eye
The doctor walks into the room to tell the parents the news about their newborn.
Doctor says, "I have bad news for you."
The mother asks, "What is it?"
The doctor says, "Your newborn is an eye."
The parents are mystified & ask him, "What what do you mean?"
Doctor replies, "It is an eye. No arms, legs, body or anything else. Just an eye."
"Oh gosh," said the father. "What could be possibly worse?'
The doctor replies, "It is Blind."
A man walks into an eye doctor and asks to see the doctor...
The nurse replies, "Not with that eye!"
A kid was born without eye lids, so they used the spare skin from his circumcision to form some. Everything turned out fine, except...
the doctor said he was a little cockeyed.
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed f**......
Only side effect is she's a little c**...-eyed now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular h**....
Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whenever I have s**..., my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe...
The doctor says its the mace.
Former eye doctor Rand Paul decided to run for president in 2016
Of all people, you would have thought he'd have 2020 vision
So an old lady goes to the doctor...
and the doctor says, "I'm sorry, you have cancer." The lady begins to cry her eyes out. Then the doctor finds out something else and tells her, "Sorry ma'am, you also have Alzheimer's." Very sad to hear the news, the old lady tells the doctor, "Well at least I don't have cancer!"
"Doctor, doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect out of the corner of my eye..."
Doctor says "it's nothing it's just a bug going round."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident
He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend had to go to the doctor, because all he could see were d**....
Turns out he was c**...-eyed.
An man goes to the optometrist
Dr. Li sits him down and begins to go through a full eye exam.
"Oh, no" the doctor says. "I think you have a cataract".
"Nah, Doc" the man replies. "I drive a Porsche"
Side effects may include increased or decreased intelligence, headaches, red eyes, loss of sleep, drowsiness, suicidal thoughts, narcolepsy, unsuppressed crying, and death.
Ask your doctor if you should take school today.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is donating at his local s**... bank, right as he finishes the doctor walks in....
covers his eyes, and says dont worry I didnt see nuttin
A Chinese man goes to see an eye doctor (Racist)
After the examination, the doctor says "You have a cataract."
The Chinese guy replies, "No, I have a Rincoln Continentar."
Courtesy of Junior in the Sopranos
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop m**...."
When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A baby boy born without eyelids...
Recently at a baby boy was born prematurely without eyelids. The doctors decided to take him off to surgery and circumcise him and use the skin removed to make new eyelids.
The surgery went great except he came out a little cocked eyed...
Eyes Specialist
Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?
Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?
Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.
A man sadly became blind.
The doctor said "Conventional medicine offered no cure, BUT! I believe I can cure you by replacing your eyes with cheese!
The man gasped in horror, but was convinced he had no other option, so he said yes.
After the operation, the man opened his eyes. The doctor asked "How's your vision now?" The man answered "Not perfect, but gouda'nough!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the guy with micro-p**... for eyes say to the doctor
I dont know doc, everything just seems a little c**...-eyed to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Late one night, Norm answered the doorbell to find a 6 foot tall cockroach standing on the step.
The bug grabbed Norm by the collar, punched him in the eye, threw him across the living room and then ran off.
The next day, Norm went to see his doctor to have his bruised eye examined.
Ah, yes, the doctor said when Norm explained what happened. There's a n**... bug going around.
Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?
He made a spectacle of himself.
.
ok its bad. Apologies in advance.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...
"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."
The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal s**... life again?"
The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.
The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"
The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.
Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?
Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.
Mother: Will he be okay?
Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little c**...-eyed.
As a kid I had a rare degenerative eye disease. Doctors couldn't help me so I got a second opinion from a donut.
To this day I still have a glazed look in my eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Racist joke I heard from The Sopranos
A Chinese man walks into the eye doctors
The doctor said I know why you have trouble seeing, you have a cataract.
The Chinese man said No, I drive a Lincoln.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the clinic today and nervously said, "Doc, this is a little embarrassing, but I've got a problem." Rolling his eyes, chuckling softly, he retorted, "Trust me, I'm a doctor. Nothing you can show me would be startling."
Hesitating just a bit, I stammered, "Well...I...I...I seem to have 5 p**...."
Stunned, eyes wide, he rasped, "Wait, what?! How did you get your pants on!?"
I whispered, "Actually, they fit like a glove."
A small issue
A guy goes to the doctor: Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can't control.
Doctor: Ah come on, it's not so bad as you think.
Guy: Oh, you think?! Every time I go to the pharmacy to get some painkillers, they give me condoms!
So, waiting with my Wife in the Eye Doctor's exam room I spotted a cutaway eyeball ...
It was a visual aid.
My doctor told me that if I didn't change my ways, I'd be blind forever.
It was a really eye-opening moment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife went to the doctor
As she laid on the table n**..., she had to tell the Optometrist "My eyes are up here!"
A Welsh man goes for an eye test.
Doctor: Can you read this chart from top to bottom please.
Welshman: Read it!? I know the guy!
After years of stuffing her face, my wife finally took it too far and fell into a deep diabetic coma.
After two weeks of no improvement, her doctor took me to one side..
"I'm sorry, but all our tests are indicating no sign of her ever recovering." He told me, sombrely.
"It may be time to take away her life support."
Suddenly, my wife's eyes sprung open and she sat bolt upright in bed..
"Did someone mention takeaway?"
I had a minor accident at work...
I won't go into details, but it affected my eyes.
The left one is okay, but the other one actually suffered enough trauma to where it popped out. It was "unsalvageable", doctors said.
When they broke the news, I couldn't help but get emotional.
I knew I'd never see right again.
I had an appointment with my eye doctor cause I thought I was going blind.
Something came up so I couldn't see him today.
Went to an eye specialist because I couldn't read fluently
The doctor told me "Son, I have bad news for you and for what I see, you will have to deal with this condition since we don't have a cure for it" and proceded to hand me a paper with my results. I was extremely happy with it!
How can it be bad news having daylisex for life?
Me as a doctor...
There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Patient: I seem to be seeing cream cakes in the corner of my eye
Doctor: that's just your profiterole vision
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I am having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It is a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"
So i went to have a prostate exam the other day
The doctor told me to take my underwear and trousers off, but i had a Complete mindblank moment and said "Where should i put them?"
He looked at me with reassuring eyes and replied "Just pop them next to mine".
I wish all doctors were this considerate.
My roommate had a terrible rash
My roommate had a terrible rash that didn't seem to want to go away.
He decided to go see the doctor about it.
I came home that day to see him crying on the couch.
"Oh no... bad news?"
"Nope! The doctor said I'll be fine. He told me to 'Just go home and moist your eyes.'"
George Burns
In his later years, the comedian George Burns was being interviewed by a shapely female journalist.
FJ: Mr. Burns, is it true that at your age, you still smoke six cigars every day?
GB: (eyes downcast) Yes, it's true.
FJ: And is it true you drink 3 or 4 martinis every day?
GB: Yes, that's true.
FJ: And is it true that you still chase after women half your age?
GB: Yes, I do.
FJ: What does your doctor have to say about all this?
GB: He's dead.
I was at the eye doctor with my 92 year old dad and they were asking people if they'd mind answering a few questions while they waited for their appointments. My dad said sure and we sat down in a corner with this lady.
She went through her survey and, at the end, asked him for his greatest strengths and weaknesses.
Well, weaknesses... he said I guess I sometimes have trouble distinguishing fantasy from reality
"And your greatest strength? She asked.
Oh, I'm the Batman
I went to my doctor, and he told me to drop my pants
I need to get a new eye doctor.
(Credit to Bob Saget)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man would like to live 150 years
He goes to the doctor and asks if it may be possible:
The doctor asks : « Do you drink alcohol?
- Not at all.
- Do you do drugs ?
- Never ever!
- Do you have numerous s**... partners?
- No. »
The doctor then looks the man deep in the eye and asks: « then why the h**... do you want to live 150 years?? »
A blonde woman showed up to her doctor's office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes
The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.
The blonde woman replied, I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop
Surgery
Doctor: now normally we replace it with a glass ball, but for you we have one made out of cedar. Would you like that instead?
Patient: wood eye? Of course!
A patient walks into an optometrist's office.
The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."
The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.
"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."
An old man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
Yes of course, said the doctor, why not!
"Oh How nice it would be, I have been illiterate for so long" replied the old man with joy.
A patient gets its eyes checked after cataract surgery
He asks his doctor: How does it look, doc? Am I able the play the piano?
Doctor: It looks all fine. With the right glasses it should be no problem.
Patient: That's amazing, I've never played the piano before!
"Doctor, everytime i drink hot coffee my eye will feel hurt."
"Hmm, i never heard about this before. Anyways can you make a coffee and drink it now?
Of course."
The doctor give him a cup of hot water, an instant coffee and a spoon. The old man makes the coffee as usually and drink it. Then the doctor said,
"Oh i see! You forgot to remove the spoon!
Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.
Doctor: any other symptoms?
Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before
Doctor: French mustard?
Me: yes, why?
Doctor: It's dijon view
