Eye Contact Jokes
73 eye contact jokes and hilarious eye contact puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eye contact that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Eye Contact Short Jokes
Short eye contact jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eye contact humour may include short eye catching jokes also.
- I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
- You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
- If you're looking for true love... Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.
- I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm... I think I might be artistic.
- What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
- Eye joke I lost my contact lense, but managed to get back home without bumping into anyone.
It was a contactless journey - A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye... Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.
- My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.
- Why don't paraplegic people like eye contact? Idunno, they just really not a fan of stares.
- When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life Now I can recognize people's faces
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Eye Contact One Liners
Which eye contact one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eye contact? I can suggest the ones about eye related and eye test.
- The contact lens is mans greatest invention At least in my eyes
- Liars tend not make eye contact, which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.
- What's unnatural in God's eyes? Contact lenses.
- It's not gay if you don't make eye contact At least that's what my dad said
- I wouldn't want to work as an optometrist They have to make eye contacts
- I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed.
- Why did the phone's eyes light up? It got new contacts!
- Eye contact is so attractive and intimate Unless it's with the invigilator of the exam
- Taking out my contacts has become second nature to me. I can do it with my eyes closed.
- This deodorant says avoid contact with eyes Too late...I've already seen it.
- In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
- My wife was so embarrassed by her pinkeye... she couldn't make eye contact.
- What makes p**... in someone's yard not passive aggressive? Eye contact.
- What do you call an Asian wearing contacts? Customization. GET IT?? CUSTOM EYES ASIAN!!!
Entertaining Eye Contact Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about eye contact you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cross eyed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eye contact pranks.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
Bad News
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces, The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The Doctor quickly responded, $5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more?
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.
3 idiot brothers are trying out for a job as a police detective...
so the officer gives them a test. They are given a side profile head shot of a robber and they are asked how they will recognize him outside.
The first brother says, 'This guy has only one eye', the officer sighs and says that it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot.
The second brother says, 'This guy only has one ear', the officer sighs again and says it only looks that way since its a shot of his profile and fires him on the spot too.
The third brother thinks for a long while, and says 'He is wearing contacts'.
The officer is stunned by this sudden sign of clarity and checks his dossier. True enough, the robber does wear contacts. Impressed, he hires the third brother on the spot.
Curious to know how he figured out the robber wears contacts, the officer asks the third brother. The third brother flush with victory, responds haughtily, 'Why its simple really, if the man only has one ear and one eye, how can he wear glasses?'
3 blondes walk into a police station...
...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."
He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."
He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."
He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"
The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."
The FBI and the Blonde
The year is 2001, and it's post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public.
A blonde hears about this and signs up for FBI. She enters the room and their is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. The blonde sits down. The FBI agent says:
"In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you this for 5 seconds and you must describe everything that you remember of this man."
The agent pulls out a picture. It's a picture of the side of a man's face. He puts the picture down.
"What do you remember?" said the FBI agent
"Well... that man had one eye!" said the blonde
"No no no!" the FBI agent yelled frustrated. "Lets try this again.
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man. Then puts it away.
"Now what do you remember?" he said.
The blonde thought for a while then said.
"Um... that man had one ear!"
"No no no! Wrong! I'll give you one last try"
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man again.
"NOW what did you see?" said the FBI agent
"Um... That man wears contacts!" said the blonde.
"Uh.. What?"
The FBI agent pulled out a piece of paper and examined it for 10 minutes.
"Wow! He does wear contacts! I never knew that! How did you know?"
"Well with one eye and one ear, you can't wear glasses, duh!"
Investigators in training
There are three investigators in training. They have to look at a side profile picture for a short time and pick out an interesting detail to recognize them. The first man looks at the picture and says: "that man only has one eye!" Of course the trainer is furious and says: "you idiot! You only see one eye because its only one side of his face!" The second man says: "this man has only one ear!" Again the trainer is mad: "you idiot! That's because its only one side of his face!!"
Finally, it's the last trainee's turn: "I say that he wears contact lenses!" The trainer is confused at this. So, he goes to check the criminals file and finds that he does indeed wear contact lenses. The trainer is dumbfounded and asks: "how on earth did you find that out?!" The trainee replies: " it was easy. Since the criminal only has one eye and one ear, he must wear contact lenses!"
Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…
…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"
Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."
Juan: "Yeah?"
Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"
Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."
Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."
Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."
Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."
Juan: "What was it?"
Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar on the boardwalk..
and sees a t**... bartender. He tries to get the bartenders attention by signaling for a beer but the bartender won't look his way.
Annoyed, the guy walks in the bartenders line of vision and signals again. Even though he made eye contact the bartender ignores him.
Now, furious, the guy demanded an explanation from the bartender.
The bartender simply points at the sign with his bare feet which reads
"no shirt, no shoes, no service"
In the agendas available to all engineering students...
There are helpful tips written by senior students.
One of which reads "Girls are not like chimpanzees, it's okay to make eye contact."
A taxi/cab driver picks up a drunken girl
A taxi/cab driver is driving down the street in the early hours and spots a drunken girl alone struggling to walk,
He pulls over and says "do you need a taxi love to get you home"
She says "yes" and gets into the rear seats.
The driver makes eye contact with her in the rear view mirror and asks where she's going and sets off
She says "thanks for helping me, the address is blah blah blah but I have no money to pay you"
Then she hitches up her short skirt exposing her lady parts and says "but I do have this"
The driver sighs and says
"Have you not got anything smaller".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Signs a Woman Likes You:
1. Eye contact
2. Twirls her hair
3. Laughs at your jokes
4. Follows you
5. Keys your car
6. Kills you
Today I cried when my dad chopped up onions.
Because the synthase enzyme converts the sulfoxides (amino acids) of the onion into sulfenic acid. The unstable sulfenic acid rearranges itself into syn-ropanethial-S-oxide. Syn-propanethial-S-oxide got into the air and came in contact with my eyes. The lachrymal glands became irritated and produced the tears.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a picture of myself tattoo'd on my stomach.
My girlfriend says she likes to make eye contact during s**....
Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...
When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying colors, but he's now fidgeting and unable to make eye contact with the officer. The officer thinks that there may be something in the car, so he gets Schrödinger's permission to search the vehicle. He finds nothing in the glove compartment nor in the backseat. The only place the officer hasn't checked yet is the trunk. When he opens it, he's shocked at what he finds.
Officer: Sir, do you know that you have a dead cat in your trunk?
Schrödinger: Well, now I do...
Do you know what the worst thing about an owl is?
They maintain eye contact when you microwave them
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.
While she screamed and stomped around the house, k**... and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a c**...."
I said, "I'm not the only one."
Hey, you got pretty good at using contacts, uh?
Oh, yeah, I could put them on with my eyes closed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condescending
A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)
A man is on a photo safari in Africa.
He finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.
Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.
Different elephant.
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
Did you hear about Harvey Weinsteins new job?
He'll water your plants for direct eye contact.
I got a sample set of contacts from Costco
The toothpicks in the contacts got splinters in my eyes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Warning labels are s**....
I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it
A man was walking through the park..
As he is walking down the trail, he notices a tennis ball in the grass. He looks around, doesn't see anybody it might belong to, so he picks it up and puts it in his pocket to take home, thinking the neighbor's dog might enjoy it. After leaving the park to walk home, he comes to a crosswalk. While waiting to cross he see's a gorgeous blonde waiting to cross as well. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that she is checking him out. Finally, they make eye contact and with a curious look on her face she asks, "What is that bulge in your pants?" "Tennis ball," he replied. "Oh my gosh, that has GOT to hurt" she said "I had tennis elbow once."
Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.
I think my mom likes me...
This is the one
Girlfriend : This is my dad, Howard
Me : Hey man... \*we lock eyes\*
Howard you doing
Howard : \*maintaining eye contact\*
Sarah this is the one
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been in a couple of threesomes.
Usually the other guy will be getting o**... and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.
A plumber
is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful b**... blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...
I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.
I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."
Ed Sheeran's Perfect Timing
Some background is required to understand this beautiful joke.
My best friend is engaged to my little brother and the summer after our senior year she had to get surgery because her legs were growing inward. They broke her femurs and inserted metal rods to help them grow back straight, and they took them out a few months later. During the time after the surgery she couldn't walk and got around in a wheelchair.
July 4th, after her surgery, my brother was watching fireworks with her and her family. Ed Sheeran's song "Thinking Out Loud" came on the radio. Without missing a beat my brother makes eye contact with her and sings:
"When your legs don't work like they used to before"
A man walks into an eye doctor…..
……..he says hello to the doctor, and the doctor says the same. The doctor asks the man if he'd like to hear a joke. The man says yes. Why does the phone wears glasses? The doctor asked. The man shakes his head in confusion. The doctor continues, because he doesn't have any contacts . The man frustratedly said could you not have thought of a cornea joke?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An employee at a supermarket
An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods are called before I hit you so hard your children have bruises. I need these for my diet." The employee, wanting nothing to do with this lady, simply rolls his head around, makes direct eye contact with the lady and says, "b**..., peas".
In romance, I'm like a wild stallion
I'm not well groomed, look somewhat malnourished, don't want anyone to ride me, am threatened by eye contact, and if approached I'm likely to run away before anyone's close enough to touch me.
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"