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Eye Contact Jokes

73 eye contact jokes and hilarious eye contact puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eye contact that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Eye Contact Short Jokes

Short eye contact jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eye contact humour may include short eye catching jokes also.

  1. I think my optometrist is in love with me. Every time I leave his office he hands me a bottle of contact solution and says "Eye care for you"
  2. Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the fence. As we made eye contact, he glared at me and I thought to myself, "Well, that's a little condescending!"
  3. You want to know the worst thing about owls? It's the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
  4. If you're looking for true love... Find someone who looks at you the way I look at anything to avoid making eye contact.
  5. I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm... I think I might be artistic.
  6. What's the difference between a Catholic and a Baptist? A Catholic will make eye contact with you at the liquor store.
  7. Eye joke I lost my contact lense, but managed to get back home without bumping into anyone.
    It was a contactless journey
  8. A fly flew into my boyfriend's eye... Told him they'd stop bugging him if he made less eye contact.
  9. My Dad is like the Solar Eclipse If i make direct eye contact he'll hurt me, but when it's safe for me to look at him he already left for milk and won't be back for several years.
  10. Why don't paraplegic people like eye contact? Idunno, they just really not a fan of stares.

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Eye Contact One Liners

Which eye contact one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eye contact? I can suggest the ones about eye related and eye popping.

  1. The contact lens is mans greatest invention At least in my eyes
  2. Liars tend not make eye contact, which is why I don't trust pirates half the time.
  3. What's unnatural in God's eyes? Contact lenses.
  4. It's not gay if you don't make eye contact At least that's what my dad said
  5. I wouldn't want to work as an optometrist They have to make eye contacts
  6. I have used contact lenses my whole life... I can apply them with my eyes closed.
  7. Why did the phone's eyes light up? It got new contacts!
  8. What do you call an Asian wearing contacts? Customization. GET IT?? CUSTOM EYES ASIAN!!!
  9. Eye contact is so attractive and intimate Unless it's with the invigilator of the exam
  10. Taking out my contacts has become second nature to me. I can do it with my eyes closed.
  11. This deodorant says avoid contact with eyes Too late...I've already seen it.
  12. In 20 years, I bet there's going to be a college course called eye contact.
  13. My wife was so embarrassed by her pinkeye... she couldn't make eye contact.
  14. What makes p**... in someone's yard not passive aggressive? Eye contact.

Entertaining Eye Contact Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone

What funny jokes about eye contact you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye test jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eye contact pranks.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

Bad News

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news, he said as he surveyed the worried faces, The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, Well, how much does a brain cost? The Doctor quickly responded, $5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more?
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.

3 blondes walk into a police station...

...looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."
He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."
He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."
He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"
The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."

The FBI and the Blonde

The year is 2001, and it's post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public.
A blonde hears about this and signs up for FBI. She enters the room and their is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. The blonde sits down. The FBI agent says:
"In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you this for 5 seconds and you must describe everything that you remember of this man."
The agent pulls out a picture. It's a picture of the side of a man's face. He puts the picture down.
"What do you remember?" said the FBI agent
"Well... that man had one eye!" said the blonde
"No no no!" the FBI agent yelled frustrated. "Lets try this again.
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man. Then puts it away.
"Now what do you remember?" he said.
The blonde thought for a while then said.
"Um... that man had one ear!"
"No no no! Wrong! I'll give you one last try"
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man again.
"NOW what did you see?" said the FBI agent
"Um... That man wears contacts!" said the blonde.
"Uh.. What?"
The FBI agent pulled out a piece of paper and examined it for 10 minutes.
"Wow! He does wear contacts! I never knew that! How did you know?"
"Well with one eye and one ear, you can't wear glasses, duh!"

Investigators in training

There are three investigators in training. They have to look at a side profile picture for a short time and pick out an interesting detail to recognize them. The first man looks at the picture and says: "that man only has one eye!" Of course the trainer is furious and says: "you idiot! You only see one eye because its only one side of his face!" The second man says: "this man has only one ear!" Again the trainer is mad: "you idiot! That's because its only one side of his face!!"
Finally, it's the last trainee's turn: "I say that he wears contact lenses!" The trainer is confused at this. So, he goes to check the criminals file and finds that he does indeed wear contact lenses. The trainer is dumbfounded and asks: "how on earth did you find that out?!" The trainee replies: " it was easy. Since the criminal only has one eye and one ear, he must wear contact lenses!"

Two filmmakers, Juan and Theotto, are talking over lunch…

…when Juan says to Theotto, "So, how's your work been lately?"
Theotto replies, "Eh, it's been pretty alright. I did get this rather--ahem--'interesting' screenplay recently."
Juan: "Yeah?"
Theotto: "Yeah. It was thick as a brick. It had this giant cast of characters, and there was practically no plot. Not to mention, about a third of it was blatant product placement. Can you believe it?"
Juan, rolling his eyes: "Sounds wonderful."
Theotto: "I know, right? Did I tell you he just left it on my doorstep? Didn't even try to contact me or anything."
Juan: "Dude, that's messed up."
Theotto: "Tell me about it. The worst part about it was the title, though."
Juan: "What was it?"
Theotto: "'The Telephone Directory'"

A guy walks into a bar on the boardwalk..

and sees a t**... bartender. He tries to get the bartenders attention by signaling for a beer but the bartender won't look his way.
Annoyed, the guy walks in the bartenders line of vision and signals again. Even though he made eye contact the bartender ignores him.
Now, furious, the guy demanded an explanation from the bartender.
The bartender simply points at the sign with his bare feet which reads
"no shirt, no shoes, no service"

In the agendas available to all engineering students...

There are helpful tips written by senior students.
One of which reads "Girls are not like chimpanzees, it's okay to make eye contact."

Signs a Woman Likes You:

1. Eye contact
2. Twirls her hair
3. Laughs at your jokes
4. Follows you
5. Keys your car
6. Kills you

Today I cried when my dad chopped up onions.

Because the synthase enzyme converts the sulfoxides (amino acids) of the onion into sulfenic acid. The unstable sulfenic acid rearranges itself into syn-ropanethial-S-oxide. Syn-propanethial-S-oxide got into the air and came in contact with my eyes. The lachrymal glands became irritated and produced the tears.

I got a picture of myself tattoo'd on my stomach.

My girlfriend says she likes to make eye contact during s**....

Do you know what the worst thing about an owl is?

They maintain eye contact when you microwave them

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test and it came back positive.

While she screamed and stomped around the house, k**... and hitting whatever she came into contact with, her father walked over.
With a pitiful eye, he looked at me and said, "You should have worn a c**...."
I said, "I'm not the only one."

Hey, you got pretty good at using contacts, uh?

Oh, yeah, I could put them on with my eyes closed.

Condescending

A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)

I was checking out at Tesco...

I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

Homosexuality or Abortion isn't unnatural in the eyes of God, but I know what would be.

Contact lenses

Did you hear about Harvey Weinsteins new job?

He'll water your plants for direct eye contact.

I got a sample set of contacts from Costco

The toothpicks in the contacts got splinters in my eyes.

Warning labels are s**....

I bought some deodorant and it said on the can, "Avoid contact with eyes" TOO LATE, I'd already seen it

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

The most disconcerting thing about an owl is...

...the way it maintains eye contact when it's in a microwave.

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

This is the one

Girlfriend : This is my dad, Howard

Me : Hey man... \*we lock eyes\*
Howard you doing

Howard : \*maintaining eye contact\*
Sarah this is the one

I've been in a couple of threesomes.

Usually the other guy will be getting o**... and I'll be hitting it from behind. I've found that as long as I don't make eye contact with the guy on the other end, or the guy in the middle, it doesn't feel gay.

A plumber

is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful b**... blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a c**... fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.
I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.
I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

Ed Sheeran's Perfect Timing

Some background is required to understand this beautiful joke.
My best friend is engaged to my little brother and the summer after our senior year she had to get surgery because her legs were growing inward. They broke her femurs and inserted metal rods to help them grow back straight, and they took them out a few months later. During the time after the surgery she couldn't walk and got around in a wheelchair.
July 4th, after her surgery, my brother was watching fireworks with her and her family. Ed Sheeran's song "Thinking Out Loud" came on the radio. Without missing a beat my brother makes eye contact with her and sings:
"When your legs don't work like they used to before"

Three generations were having brunch together

The grandson looks over at his newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
The father, not to be outdone, looks over to his wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "You old charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"

A man walks into an eye doctor…..

……..he says hello to the doctor, and the doctor says the same. The doctor asks the man if he'd like to hear a joke. The man says yes. Why does the phone wears glasses? The doctor asked. The man shakes his head in confusion. The doctor continues, because he doesn't have any contacts . The man frustratedly said could you not have thought of a cornea joke?

An employee at a supermarket

An overworked and underpaid employee was stocking shelves at his local supermarket. Naturally, he was very tired and didn't care about anything going on around him. Out of nowhere, an old woman with a Karen haircut comes up to him and says "hey you, tell me what those little green things in the pods are called before I hit you so hard your children have bruises. I need these for my diet." The employee, wanting nothing to do with this lady, simply rolls his head around, makes direct eye contact with the lady and says, "b**..., peas".

In romance, I'm like a wild stallion

I'm not well groomed, look somewhat malnourished, don't want anyone to ride me, am threatened by eye contact, and if approached I'm likely to run away before anyone's close enough to touch me.

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"