Eye Bag Jokes
32 eye bag jokes and hilarious eye bag puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eye bag that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Eye Bag Short Jokes
Short eye bag jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eye bag humour may include short under eye bags jokes also.
- I sent the apprentice out to get some tea bags.. The kid asked, "What type?"
To which I said, "Get some C. U. N. Tea."
He was gone for quite a while and came back with a black eye but no tea. - Today my wife pointed out that she had eye bags. I said that now she can go window shopping.
- I bought a box of condoms last night and the cashier asked if i needed a bag.... I said no, my wife just closes her eyes.
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Eye Bag One Liners
Which eye bag one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eye bag? I can suggest the ones about bags under eyes and eye patch.
- I met a girl who's family is so loaded... even the bags under her eyes are designer
- I'm so rich... Even the bags under my eyes are Gucci
- See these bags under my eyes? They're Prada.
Eye Bag Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about eye bag you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean eye socket jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eye bag pranks.
The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.
I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."
The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"
I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."
BIG fight
Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death.' Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
Cheating wife
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said.
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? "
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
An undertaker comes home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?"asks his wife."I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When i got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge e**... .Anyway, I find the room and sure enough, there's this big n**... guy lying on the bed with this huge e**....So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see,"says his wife."But how did you get the black eye? "The undertaker replies,"Wrong room."
I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently
(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forward picked the bag up put it on the passenger seat and there it was again more rustling and little eyes looking out from the bag. I thought it's got to be a rat or mouse or something so I carefully pulled the bag open....And there it was ...
A peeking duck.
A blonde woman showed up to her doctor's office looking disheveled and with bags under her eyes
The doctor told her that she looked exhausted.
The blonde woman replied, I am. Ever since your nurse told me yesterday that I had to come in for a Blood test I have been studying non-stop
Three generations were having brunch together
The grandson looks over at his newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
The father, not to be outdone, looks over to his wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "You old charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me. -
Watch where you eat or it'll watch you
I ordered Chinese from a local place, went to pick it up and as I was driving home, heard the bags rustling and moving
I thought w**... is that?
Has something gotten into the bag?
I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving so I pulled over, leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the orange chicken!
I thought it's got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down.
And there it was
A Peeking Duck
A staggering drunk knocks over a pregnant lady who is carrying a bag of groceries...
2 eggs and a bottle of ketchup fall and break to the sidewalk. The drunk say "Sorry lady, but it would have died anyway. Its eyes were too far apart.
I picked up some Chinese from a local place...
I picked up some Chinese from a local place (won't name them), and as I was driving home, I heard a weird rustling in the bag! I was like, "w**... is in the bag?" I swear I saw something peering at me out of the corner of my eye.
I pulled over hard, slammed the car in park, and gingerly picked up the bag. Again, more rustling, and the moo-shu moved!
I thought, "Please don't tell me there's a rodent in the bag." So I carefully opened the bag, and there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!
A french man and his wife go shopping in America
As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a bag?"
The man looks at his wife and squints his eyes at her.
"Bag-uette." ("Bag it")
(Made this joke one day while in the shower, friends don't find it as absolutely hilarious as I do, let me know if this joke is the best or if I am just s**....)
Last night while shopping at the local MegaLoMart
we bought 2 dozen eggs. The cashier put both in the same bag. Of course, I responded "Please put those is separate bags. I don't like to put all my eggs in one basket." My wife, son and the cashier all gave me the eye roll. Mission accomplished.
Two Nuns
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,
wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said,
'This is for washing our hair.'
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under
the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
'The curlers are on me.'
Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day" replied Bob.
"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge e**...."
"Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big n**... guy laying on the bed with this huge e**.... So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to bend it in half."
"I see," said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?" Bob replied, "Wrong room..."
Pirate for Halloween
A little boy with a speech impediment dressed as pirate for Halloween. He knocked on the door and when the lady answered he said "pick or peat". The lady asked what? He replied "pick or peat" and shook is bag. The lady said oh trick or treat and the little boy shook his head yes.
The lady then asked what are you dressed as? The boy responded a "birate". Lady asked what? The boy responded a "birate". Lady then said a "pirate" and the boy shook his head yes.
The lady then asked where are your "Buccaneers" which the little boy reached up grabbing his ear and said " right here lady where are your bucking eyes"
Red Neck Computer Dictionary
* LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
* RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
* HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time.
* WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
* SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
* BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
* CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
* MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
* MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.
A man is stranded on a desert island...
... When all of a sudden a beautiful brunette in full scuba gear strides out of the water surrounding the island. She sits down next to the awestruck man and says, "Would you like a cigarette?" The man agrees, and she unzips a pouch on her thigh and pulls out some cigarettes and a lighter.
After they've finished their cigarettes, the brunette says, "Would you like a drink?"
The man agrees, and the woman opens a small bag at her waist, and takes out a small bottle of champagne and two glasses. As they sip their drinks, the brunette leans forward and says, "Would you like to play around?"
The man's eyes widen and he yells, "You've got golf clubs in there as well?"
A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash
Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him dead aswell. He puts his mask back on and yells "did anyone else see my face?". At this point everyone is staring at the floor too terrified to look up. After a few moments of utter silence an old man raises his hand his while keeping his face on the floor he says "my wife got pretty good look at you"
A guy walks into a bar...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened".
Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having s**... with my best friend."
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?
" The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him his drink and asks, "What happened?"
"I came home early from work today...and found my wife having s**... with my best friend"
The bartender pours him a second drink - "That's awful, what did you say to your wife?"
"I told her we were through. 'Pack your bags, and leave!'"
"What about your friend?"
"I waved my finger at him, looked him straight in the eye, and told him...bad dog."
Kids Today
Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.
'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.
'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.
'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.
'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'
'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'