Exwife Jokes
122 exwife jokes and hilarious exwife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about exwife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Exwife Short Jokes
Short exwife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The exwife humour may include short exes jokes also.
- My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend! Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
- My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs
- I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0. That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.
- My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
- I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife" She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"
I replied, "I don't." - I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me... But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money...
- I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive
- Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife? At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.
- The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife. They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.
- My ex-wife just texted me, I wish you were here She does this every time she's in a cemetery.
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Exwife One Liners
Which exwife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with exwife? I can suggest the ones about boyfriend and fiance.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- My ex-wife was a great housekeeper She kept the house.
- So I finally got a housekeeper, it's my ex-wife. She kept the house.
- I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset
- My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate Everyone got a piece
- My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
- I didn't say my ex-wife died, I said I have a latex wife.
- What's more expensive than having a wife? Having an ex-wife.
- [Oh, yeah?] My ex-wife cheated on me with a communist! ...there were so many red flags.
- My ex-wife was a great housekeeper When we got divorced she kept the house
- I miss my ex-wife every time I see the sun. I should probably try to snipe her at night.
- So my ex-wife is a bird lover... she always wanted a black cockatoo
- What did the Roman say when a cannibal ate his ex-wife? Glad he ate her.
- My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
Charming Humor Exwife Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about exwife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quartz jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make exwife pranks.
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
A men calls the hotel reception
He tells the manager, "I need help, my ex-wife is trying to jump out of the window", the manager replies "Do you want me to send a psychologist?", the men says "No, send the janitor, the window is stuck!"
Double Genie
A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."
A man is pulled over speeding..
the State Trooper walks up to the driver's window and asks the driver "do you know why I pulled you over?" "Yes" the man says, "I was speeding." "Why were you speeding?" the Trooper asks.
"My ex-wife left me for a Trooper, and I thought maybe you were him, trying to bring her back!"
A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"
" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?
They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]
What's the difference between a cigarette and my exwife?
Cigarettes don't scream when they're burning.
What did Russell Crowe say when he found out that his ex-wife was eaten by a cannibal?
I'm gladiator.
History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the "Lazy Susan",
but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.
My ex-wife got a job in Huston giving back-rubs in Walmart
She's the Texas Chain Store Massager
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
My ex-wife is so evil that she has lessons with Satan every Sunday...
I just don't know how much she charges him.
My ex-wife is like a tornado
First she blows, then she s**..., then she took my house and dog.
I met my ex-wife at the gym.
We didn't workout.
What belongs to me but is used the most by others?
My ex-wife
My lawnmower is like my ex-wife
Broken, and full of grass.
My ex-wife accused me of being a crossdresser...
So I packed her things and left
A man is granted three wishes.
The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.
The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.
The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.
For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."
What do you call a greedy clam?
My Ex-Wife.
My ex-wife recently passed away. Guess what she got on her gravestone?
My u**....
A cop was attempting to pull me over...
I continued to drive, faster and faster until finally deciding to stop. Cop came up to the car and asked "why did you keep driving?" I said "sir, my ex-wife left me for a police officer and I thought you were bringing her back."
I was close to tears when my ex-wife told me she was getting remarried…
I really do feel sorry for him…
What is the ideal weight for an ex-wife?
About 3 pounds including the urn.
It's a shame people aren't paid to complain.
If they were, my ex-wife would have enough money to support herself!
I like my cash like I like my ex-wife.
Cold and hard.
My ex-wife told me I was close minded and I should try everything once...
I suggested we try divorce
Ex's meet after a month of divorce
ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.
My ex-wife called me a gold digger
I guess she figured out that I was just after my money
An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...
were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
I call my ex-wife 'Cerebellum,'
rarely in my thoughts, yet always there at the back of my mind.
What do you call a cow's ex-wife?
Miss Steak
I was asked to bring an ugly sweater to a Christmas party.
But my ex-wife already had plans.
Did you hear about the guy who married his ex-wife?
He only married her for his money.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They voted on pizza.
Then I took all their pocket money, spent it all on booze and blamed my ex-wife for their predicament.
How's an abortion like an ex-wife?
Neither one's my problem anymore.
My ex-wife was born on Sept 11, which ending up being remembered for the national tragedy that happened that day.
And then fifteen years later the Twin Towers were destroyed.
The size, complexities and wonder of the universe can only be matched by the ignorance, ego and stupidity of man.
Source: my ex-wife
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house...
He got the outside.
What did Elon Musk's ex-wife wrote to him before breaking up?
"Honey, I think we need some space. x"
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
A man wants to know about his future
He heads over to the most renown Gypsy card reader in the country.
"Please, what does my future hold for me?"
"Mmmmmmmm the cards tell me your ex-wife will be involved in a terrible accident!" Yelled the Gypsy.
The man rolls his eyes and says:
"....Yes, yes I know, but is there gonna be any evidence against me?!?"
My ex-wife used to drink a lot. One night I got sick of seeing her stagger around the backyard.
That's when I decided to shoot her a second time.
Reality Check
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
Do you know her? the wife asks.
Yes, the husband says. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My goodness! the wife says. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody
The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**
I miss my ex-wife
Next time, I'll use a better rifle
What's the difference between a punch bag and my ex-wife?
"That's not a very good defence OJ"
Me: Hey babe can you grab some updog on the way home?
Ex-wife: I told you I'm never coming home, you never listened to me.
Me: Not much, you? *chuckles to self*
A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
I m**... over my ex-wife last night.
I know I shouldn't but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper.
I'm not saying that my ex-wife has bad teeth,
but she smiled in Tesco once and the barcode scanner thought she was a set of saucepans.
My ex-wife was a Psychotherapist...
Both separately.
What's the difference between infinity and forever?
According to my ex-wife, forever is only two and a half months.
A doctor meets his ex-wife after some years...
He says, "Everything was going so smooth with us, I wonder what happened?"
Little did he know, she had started eating an apple everyday.
A man was crossing the road when he was hit by a car, which then sped off. A police officer asked the injured man, Did you get a look at the driver? No, he said, but I can tell you it was my ex-wife.
How do you know that? asked the officer.
I'd recognize her laugh anywhere!
I saw my ex-wife walking by me on the sidewalk with a duck under her arm. I asked '"What are you doing with that pig?"
She exclaimed, "It's not a pig! It's a duck!"
"I know", I replied. "I was talking to the duck."
I call my ex-wife Lucy...
It's short for l**....
What did the Male steak think about his ex-wife?
She was a miss-steak
Policeman: Why didn't you stop immediately when you saw my flashing lights?
Me: Well officer, you see my ex-wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to give her back.
I told my ex-wife that world is flat, she got really angry...
when I told her she my world, she decided to divorce.
I told my ex-wife "Don't get upset if someone calls you fat" ...
"You're much bigger than that"
I was on the beach with my ex-wife.
She said, "Why don't you go out for a swim in the water?"
"I'm not going out there," I said. "There are man-eating sharks out there."
She said, "You'll be fine then."
After an astronaut fell into a black hole, an official from NASA was explaining the situation to his, now widowed, ex-wife.
"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.
The official replies, "I'm sorry, Mam. Your husband has... Pasta way..."
A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.
Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.