extra Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious extra puns

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for one night, why don't pretend we are married?"

The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:

"Yeah of course!"

And so the woman says:

"Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I tried to be an Uber driver...

Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My seatmate on a flight was a woman.

Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?

Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

I Happily I replied," Yes...."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads

"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".

So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.

When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.

When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

You know what gets me down?

An extra Chromsome

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did Pavlov have extra soft hair?

Classical conditioning

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...

In fact, I'm down with it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Being a good husband

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mom, I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cause it was fake.

"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"

"It had an extra zero."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Morning coffee in a US government job . . .

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
So no point in your coming in for that."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?

An extra electron

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be down with that.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Buying Condoms

A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her, "Do you sell condoms here?"

"Sure. What size are you?"

"I don't know," he replies.

"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom, "Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."

A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.

Some time later, a eighteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"

"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"

"I don't know," he says nervously.

"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom, "Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two women are discussing their love lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!

After all the extra hours I put into it!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Your cat died

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husbands are always responsible!

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. As soon as she arrived there, she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how's mother?" "She's playing on the roof." he replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"

Boss: It's May.

Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Job at the post office

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A. M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cute girl winked at me

She must be extra interested because she winked with both eyes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Coffee & Testicles

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects

A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"

The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".

"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".

"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".

The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"

"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".

"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"

"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".

"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"

"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Don't let...

...an extra chromosome get you down.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory…

...must have been all those extra hours I've been putting in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...

...men who point that out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I think I saw my friend with an extra electron...

...so I'm going to keep an ion him.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man from Baltimore dies and goes to hell...

He had been a bad man his entire life and therefore the devil made sure to give him extra work in the hottest fiery pit of hell. After a week goes by, the devil stops by to see how miserable the man is, but instead finds the man happily going about his work. He asks the man:
"Why are you so damn happy? Shouldn't this be miserable for you?"
The man replies "This isn't any worse than May in Baltimore. I'm used to this."
The devil, enraged that his attempt to punish the man were for naught, decided to increase the temperature. Another week goes by, and he checks in again, only to find the guy merrily whistling while tending a garden. The Devil again asks him.
"Why are you so damn happy? It's hotter than hell in here."
The guy again replies "Summer in Baltimore is much worse. This is nothing."
The devil tries a different tactic, lowers the temperature to just above freezing and makes it rain. Still the guy doesn't seem fazed. Finally, he lowers the temperature to about 15 degree Fahrenheit. Suddenly, the guy starts jumping for joy.
The devil asks "Why are you celebrating, it's colder than hell in here?"
The man replies "Hell has frozen over, the Orioles have won the World Series!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the cashier "do you have extra large condoms".

the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"

the woman says

"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I bought my girlfriend an extra large dildo yesterday.

She was deeply touched and says it's really opened her up to new things.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Just another cock joke

Farmer buys young cock. Young cock enters the farm and says to the old cock :
- You had your time, now you have to retire and give all hens to me.
Old cock :
- Ok, but give me last chance, let's race few laps around the farm, the winner takes it all. And you know, I'm much older than you, could you give me few extra seconds at start ?
Young cook agreed. The race beagan. Old coock started to run earlier, but the young one was very fast, he started to chase the old one, and with every second was closer and closer to him. All of the sudden the farmer grabs the young cock, takes a cleaver, chops off his head and says - Fuck me, third time in a row I bought a gay cock.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Another vampire joke.

3 vampires walk into a blood bar.

The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.

The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.

The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Extra Large Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blonde at work

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey girls," says the brunette. "Let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after their boss. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive hookers?

The FIFA headquarters.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jessy and Tom invite their best friend William for dinner

Tom goes to the toilet and Jessy is left alone for a moment with William. She grabs his balls and whispers in his ear: "I'm making some extra money by selling topsex, $100 for an hour, I'm worth it. Come to me tomorrow at 3pm, don't tell Tom anything.".

Next day, William shows up at 3 o'clock, hands over the 100$ and enjoys the sexual experience of his lifetime. Only ten minutes after he left, Tom comes home from work.

Tom: "Did you see William and did he give you $100?".

Jessy: "Uhm... yes, why?"

Tom: "Oh nothing, he came along this morning at work and asked if he could borrow $100, he would give them back to you this afternoon".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a condom out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.

The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.

She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"

The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Camped

Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.

Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'

Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny and potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer, and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength," and says, "here, if you take these you'll go wild for twelve hours!" The guy responds, "Great! Gimme three boxes!"

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, approaches the pharmacist, and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror at man's black and blue member.

The man says, "I'm gonna need some Ben Gay cream."

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT are you?"

"Nope, it's for my arms ... the girls didn't show up."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple with five kids...

A couple with five kids had to be careful when trying to have sexy times. The codenamed it, "doing the laundry." One day the husband was trying to get frisky, but the wife just had too much to do with the kids. Well she thought, he has been working a lot of overtime to pay for christmas and has been attentative to every other need that has come up. She calls her sister and makes plans for her to pick up one of the kids giving her some extra time that day. She walks up behind him and whispers, "I have some time to help you out with that laundry."
"It's ok sweetie, it was a small load, I did it by hand."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Harry's wife lets him go to the strip club for his b-day...

For being faithful to her and bieng a good husband. When they enter the club, A hooker comes over to Harry and says,

"Hey Harry, You want the usual?"

When his wife asks, Harry says that it is a co-worker, who must be working for extra money.

Later on they are approached by another hooker, again asking Harry if he wants his usual lap dance. Harry tells his wife that she must've mistaken him for a different Harry. The head for the bar, and the Barman says,

"Howdy, Harry! Vodka Martini, same as always?"

At last Harry's wife storms out of the bar in disgust, Harry following and trying to explain. Outside the club, the Doorman says,

"Bloody hell, Harry! You sure have picked up an ugly one this time!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game
is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra
precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on
their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't
expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry
pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a
bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop
is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper
spray.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fart football!

So a husband lays down next to his wife for sleep. She turns over and *FLEERP*[fart noise] the husband jumps from being startled and exclaims "what the hell was that?!" the wife shoots back, " touchdown and an extra point! 7 points!"
The husband not to be out done, leans over and *FWAAERP* "touch down!! 7 points!!"
The wife, laughing, turns over and *PWERRRP* "Touch down! 14 points!"
The husband, not giving up, leans over and pulls a squeaker! *PWEEP* "Touchdown! Tied ball game!" the wife, *FLOOP* " FIELD GOAL!"
The husband knows he must win. He leans over and begins to push! He pushes and pushes as hard as he can! He pushes so hard that *kwerpflarpadarp* he shits the bed! The wife looks at him and goes " what was that?" the husband without skipping a beat yells "HALFTIME! CHANGE SIDES!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a man orders a dozen margaritas.

A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.

The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"

The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."

The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?"

The man replied, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory..

..after all the extra hours I put in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband and wife are talking about finances...

Wife says "Honey, you could ride your bike to work and we could sell the extra car."

Husband says "Yeah, I can see that. Or you can give me blowjobs and let me cum on your face. Then we could get rid of the nanny."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.

They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How much would you pay for a prostitute?

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?".
She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50".
He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"
and she replies "all of them".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two women are discussing their sex lives

Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."

Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."

"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Woman Walks Into A Drugstore And Asks...

the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I told my date that ladies call me E.T. after sex

She replied Why? Is it out of this world?

I said No, I think it's the extra testicle.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Every night, before bed, a little girl prays...

The first night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa
The next day the grandfather dies

The second night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma
The next day the grandmother dies.

The next night she prays: Goodnight Mommy. Goodbye Daddy
The father hears this and goes into an immediate panic. He spends the following day with extra precautions, worried that it could happen at any moment, but nothing happens.

Upon arriving home, the father tells his wife about his day and she replied: You thought you had a bad day?!? The milkman dropped dead on our front porch this morning!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25


I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tom, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Tom and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Tom, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tom quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My legendary Manhattan joke

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, I'll have 12 manhattans."

The bartender replies, "Comin' right up, sir!"

Shortly after he makes the 6 or 7th Manhattan the bartender asks, "So are you celebrating anything special?"

The man replies, "I sure am. I'm celebrating my first blowjob."

The bartender says, "Hell yeah man, that is definitely something worth celebrating! Would you like an extra Manhattan on the house?"

The man replies, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't think 13 will."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Viagra & Ben Gay

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight.
I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny . . . keep potent." The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength"and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"


The man says, "Gimme 3 boxes." The next day, he walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places. The man says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."


The pharmracist replies, "BEN GAY?!?!?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on THAT, are you?" The man says, "Naw, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do the iPhone 5 and Viagra have in common?

They're both $700 for an extra inch!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A small business fell on hard times

and the owner knew that the only way for his company to survive, he would have to let one of his employees go.

He struggled with the decision for weeks. Jack was always willing to put in the extra hours to get the job done right and Jill was talented and intelligent, just the kinds of people that any small business needs.

He confided in Jill, hoping that maybe she would know how to fix the company without any firings. He said, "Hey Jill, listen. I either need to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replied, "I'm really tired. Could you just jack off?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...

... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Billy had been blind since birth...

...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."

So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know son, April fools."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why does Tiger Woods bring an extra pair of socks while golfing?

In case he gets a hole in one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Job Interview

A games programmer is at a job interview at Electronic Arts.

As the interview comes to an end, the interviewer glances down at the programmer's rΓ©sumΓ© and sees "please turn over" written at the bottom.

He turns the rΓ©sumΓ© over, but finds that the other side is blank.

The interviewer asks, "Where's the rest of your rΓ©sumΓ©?"

The programmer replies, "Oh, that's downloadable content; it costs an extra ten dollars!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman donates her plasma for some extra cash.

There is a man in front of her in the line for the cashier. She notices that his check is for $200 as he leaves. She excitedly gets to the cashier. To her surprise, the cashier hands her a check for $50. "Wait a second," asks the woman, "how come he got $200 and I only got $50?"

"Well ma'am, you donated plasma and he donated sperm," replies the cashier.

"Oh I see" says the woman.

A week goes by and the woman returns to the donation center. The same cashier is working again. "Oh it's you again," says the cashier, "back to donate more plasma?"

The woman shakes her head no and says, "uh uh", carefully keeping her mouth closed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

These passengers are sitting on a plane...

These passengers are sitting on a plane when the pilot comes over the speaker and says *"We're sorry ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has gone out, but not to worry because we can make the rest of the flight on three engines. It will just take an extra hour."*
A little while later, the pilot comes on again and says *"A second engine has gone out but not to worry, we can make it on two engines. It will just add another 2 hours."*
Against all odds, the pilot comes on again and says *"We are sorry, but another engine has gone out. Not to worry though, we can make it on just one engine. It will just add 3 hours to the trip."*
At this point, one passenger turns to another and says
*"If that fourth engine goes out, we'll be up here forever!"*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...

He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.

The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the golfer wear a extra pair of pants?

In case he got a hole in one

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy wants a dog

A guy wants a dog. He goes to one of his relatives if he has an extra dog. The relative says yes.
"Does he like kids?"said the guy
"Yes he does, but you can just give him dog food"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Jewish congregation...

in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dating a hoarder

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hardβ€”I'm like the one thing she can get rid of.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What has 3 balls and flies through space

E.T the Extra Testicle

I know this was awful I'm sorry

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do aliens have 3 balls?

It's an an extra terrestrical.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man wants to buy a dog...

A man wants to buy a dog. He sees an ad on Craigslist,
"Talking dog. Selling for $50"
The man, obviously not believing the ad, calls the owner and says he wants to see the dog. He goes to the house and the owner lets him in and tells him the dog is in the living room.
He goes into the living room, sees the dog and says, "So can you talk?"
The Dog says, "Not only can I talk, but I've lived an extraordinary life. I was an extra in many hollywood films, I was a bomb-sniffing dog in Iraq and I even went to Space as part of project for NASA."
The guy is stunned! He goes back into the kitchen where the owner is waiting and he says, "This dog is incredible, why are you selling him for 50 bucks!?!"
and the owner says, "Because he's a fucking liar!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...

Live longer, than the men, that mention it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,

"What do you want it to say?"

"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"

The telegram guy says,

"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words is the same price! Would you like me to add an extra 'WOOF' on there for you?"

The dog looks at him, confused, and says,

"But then it wouldn't make any sense!"

- Norm McDonald

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In Italy, they call me Olive Oil

Its because im extra virgin. :(

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?

Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn't like it when I went the extra mile.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman is donating some blood to make a little extra money . . .

She heads to the hospital and gets on the elevator with a man about her age. They say hello and she tells him she is heading to the 4th floor and asks if he would push the button for her. He clicks the button and also hits the 6th floor button for himself. A few weeks later the woman returns to the hospital to donate and again runs into the same man. As they enter the elevator he clicks the 4th and 6th floor buttons and asks her why she is at the hospital again. She tells him that she makes $50 by donating blood and asks why he has returned to the hospital. He tells her he makes $100 donating sperm. The following month they once again end up on the same elevator and as they enter the man asks the woman, "4th floor?". She shakes her head and says with a full mouth, "No m goin to da shixth floor"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Job Interview

A chap goes to the Council for a job.
The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"

Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Facebook Problem

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old man and trophy wife

An old man walks into a car dealership with his young trophy wife on his arm. He walks up to the manager and says, "I want to make deal with you. If you can do three things that I can do, I'll buy your most expensive car with cash plus 10% extra for you. If you can't, I get the car for free."

The manager looks at old man, and figures he can do anything the old man could do. "All right, it's a deal. Let's go to my office."

They all walk into the manager's office. The old man walks over to his wife and rips open her blouse. He slowly starts caressing her breasts and sucks gently on both her nipples. He stops after a minute then motions to the manager to repeat. The manager can't believe his luck and begins caressing and sucking the young wife's nipples.

Next, the old man rips his wife's skirt off, and begins to stroke and lick her pussy. He stops after a minute and motions the manager towards his wife. The manager happily jumps in and begins to play with and lick the young wife's pussy.

The manager stops and says, "Well old man, what else you got?"

The old man smiles, pulls down his pants, and folds his dick in half.

The manager sighs, "What color do you want?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked my friend with an extra chromosome if he wanted to hang out...

He said he was down

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.

After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me

He would have an extra $50.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."

The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"

The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It took Gandhi over a month to cross the Alps barefoot, no washing, worn out, and survived only on garlic. He was a...

Super-calloused fragile mystic, extra halitosis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The union worker

One day there was this gentleman that had a little extra cash. He decided that since it had been so long since he had been with a woman he would spend the money on a night with one. So he went to closest whore house and asked the pimp.
"How much for a night?"
"$100" says the pimp
"Since I am a good union man I have to ask, how much goes to the house and how much goes to the girl?"
"$80 to the house and $20 to the girl." Says the pimp.
The man is appalled and leaves, soon he finds another house and goes in and asks the pimp there.
"How much for a night"
"$100" says the pimp
Again the man asks "Since I am a good union man I have to ask, how much goes to the house and how much goes to the girl?"
"$20 goes to the house and $80 goes to the girl." Responds the pimp.
"Wow!" Exclaims the man, "that's great, in that case I will take that beautiful young girl right over there."
"Oh no," says the pimp, "you get Beatrice over there, she has seniority."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A golfer goes out for a beer...

After a round of golf, a golfer loads his trunk up with his clubs but puts his extra tees and balls in his pockets. He goes into the clubhouse for a beer.

He sits down next to a blond woman at the bar. She sees the bulging pants of the golfer and barely stops herself from gasping. She cannot stop looking down at his pants, taking peeks.

The golfer notices. He says to her, "Its just golf balls."

The blond still looks aghast. And takes another couple glances. She says to him, "Does it hurt worse then tennis elbow?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you get when you buy 3 aliens but they give you 5?

Extra terrestrials.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mayweather will probably win against Pacquiao

He gets extra practice with his wife.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man, who usually gets drunk, walks into a bar...

...and requests the bartender for two beers.

"Can I have 2 beers for the fight" - says the man.

The bartender gives him the beers, and he drinks them.

Here he goes again: "Can I have 2 extra beers for the fight" - he says again.

Again, the confused bartender gives him the beers, and the man again drinks them. But he wants a couple more, so, he goes again:

"Can I have 2 more beers for the fight" - he says, mid drunk.

But the angry bartender can't stand anymore, and says:

"I'm tired. What fight do you want the beers for?"

**"The one that you and me are going to make because I have no money"**

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I hate how there's virgin olive oil and there's extra virgin olive oil.

There was either a dick in it or there wasn't. There's no such thing as extra lack of penis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.

When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old handkerchief?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have change for a five?"

Got this one from my grandpa.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Waiting for... eeeeeer... someone?

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies:
- "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds:
- "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I flushed my extra viagra down the toilet...

I haven't been able to close the lid in weeks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An elderly couple go to a restaurant

One day, an elderly couple walk into a restaurant.

They sit down and order one meal.

When the waiter serves the meal, the woman splits everything in half and shares it with her husband. The meal, the salad, and the drink.

Intrigued by this strange behavior, the guy sitting next to them asks the couple if he can buy them an extra meal.

The woman tells him that there is no need for that. She explains to him that she and her husband took an oath to share everything they have and split things in half whenever they can.

"Fine" says the man. "But why are you not eating your food? Why are you watching your husband eat instead?".

The woman answers him: As I said, we share everything. We only have one Denture.


^^Denture: ^^Set ^^of ^^false ^^teeth.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men sit collecting donations on either side of the walkway leading up to the church...

One wore a giant cross on his chest, the other wore a giant star of David on his chest.

Every day people would look at the guy with the star of David, smile and give an extra donation to the guy with the cross. Every now and then, someone would toss a few cents to the guys with the star of David.

After a few months several of the congregants approached the man with the star of David and asked him - we don't mean to be rude or anything but perhaps you'd do better at the synagogue down the road.

The guy looked across towards his fellow begged and yelled - Moishe, they're telling us how to run our business!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I met an alien who couldn't stop swearing...

He was an Extra Tourettes-trial.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Up or down?

So a guy and his wife were on a cruise. Sometime during their first day, her hearing aids died, and she didn't have an extra battery. Their cabin was so small that it had to have bunkbeds. The man wanted to be polite, but he knew he had to yell to ask which bed she wanted. So he screams "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP or DOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN?" She proceeded to fuck his brains out.
Next night, same thing happens. This continues to happen for the rest of the cruise.
Finally, they're back at home, and the man is very happy. His wife changes her battery, and soon it's time for bed. Hoping that he can get laid again, the man decided 'what the hell' and screams at his wife "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP or DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN?" She slaps him across the face, and yells "You asshole! I thought you were saying 'Fuck or drown!'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fastfood

Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!

Man: Right here!

Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight.

Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait...

Clerk: >:D

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but she charges me extra for weird stuff

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Calling In Sick

Today I called in to work, "Hi, I'm not feeling well today, fatigued, drained, tired, stressed. I'll be staying in bed, so I won't be coming to work today"

The boss says, "You know, I really need you here today, extra work came in today. When I feel overworked, I go to my wife and we have wild sex, and this always works to release all that stress. So you try that"

a couple of hours later, "Hey boss it's me, I did what you said, and you were right, it's amazing. So I'll be on my way to work

Oh, your house look really nice by the way"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Went golfing with a buddy, and I asked him why he brought an extra pair of socks.

He said, "In case I get a hole in one."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Blonde, a brunette and a redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She ' ll never know. "

So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunette says, "That was fun, we should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught . "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A dog walks into a telegram office and walks up to the counter.

The guy at the counter says: What would you like to write on your telegram today dog?

The dog goes: woof, woof, woof woof woof woof, woof woof, woof.

The guy writes it down and says: Listen, dog, we have a special on telegrams today. For ten words we've got a special deal but you've only got nine words, we can add an extra woof for free if you'd like.

Then the dog says: Well yeah but then it wouldn't make any sense.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

They're not mentally disabled...

They're homies with extra chromies

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why doesn't the man with an extra penis have any friends?

He's too cocky.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call a forest with an extra tree?

A fivest

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Daylight Savings Time

Can't believe they fired me from the clock factory
after all the extra hours I put in.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and a woman find themselves alone in a sleeper carriage

The man gallantly takes the upper bunk as they settle down for the train journey.

After a while the man feels a bit cold and asks the woman if she can pass up an extra blanket.

The woman thinks for a while and says in her sexiest voice 'why don't we pretend we are husband and wife for the night?'

After some reflection the man replies 'ok, yes, let's do that. Let's pretend we're husband and wife'.

The women immediately snaps back 'in that case, get your own fucking blanket you lazy bastard'.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was recently asked to be a part of a biological experiment. The researchers said they would mutate me with an extra chromosome and give me $10 000 for it.

I'm down.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you get when you order a JFK?

An americano with an extra shot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Breaking News

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An entrepreneurial blonde is looking for some extra cash

So she goes door to door asking people if they have any odd jobs they need done. Around the third house or so, a sharply dressed man answers the door. She inquires about the jobs, and the wheels in his head start turning. He's been meaning to paint the massive porch that takes up the entire rear of his massive house, but such a job would take at least 3 hours.

"I'll give you $20 to paint my porch out back while I'm gone. I already have the paint and everything."

She happily agrees and totes the paint out back. He chuckles to himself as he gets into one of his many cars and heads out. That dumb broad will be at it all day, and it only cost him $20.

He comes home later, and she's just finishing up. She sees him and jogs up.

He grins. "finished?" He asks.

"Yeah and I even gave it 2 coats!"

"Are you sure? I didn't think there was enough paint there for two coats of the entire porch."

"Sure there was! There was even a little left over! Though I should tell you, it's not pronounced 'porch', it's pronounced 'Porsche'."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I tried to cheer my mentally challenged friend up...

...but I guess I shouldn't have said "Don't let an extra chromosome get you down."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Apparently humans worldwide consume 55 million chickens every single day

Answer me this, veggies: do YOU want to live with an extra 20 billion chickens running about each year?

Thought not. Shut the fuck up and join the fight. Then we'll start on the bastard cows.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Pizza for dinner

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"No, it's not," he replied. "Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Black and Blue

A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.

On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form-fitting blue suit.

Afterwards, she asked the undertaker about the extra charge. He replied, No charge. Glad to do it for you! You see, the same day you asked me about that, another man's body arrived, wearing a beautiful blue suit. I asked his widow, and she wasn't particular about the suit.

So I switched the heads.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man sits down at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat between him and the next guy

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just pimped my car.

Now it has extra whorespower.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A golfer was thinking of bringing an extra pair of pants.

He figured it's not a bad idea, just in case he got a hole in one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

XX for Female XY for male, but why is there XXX for porn star?

It's because of all the extra DNA in them

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Me: Hey, how do you spell color?

British Friend: C-O-L-O-U-R

Me: How do you spell honor?

British Friend: H-O-N-O-U-R

Me: How do you spell neighbor?

British Friend: N-E-I-G-H-B-O-U-R

Me: Why do you keep adding an extra 'u' in these words?

British Friend: dQw4w9WgXcQ

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the golfer take an extra pair of socks with him?

In case.... ^wait ^for ^it... he got a hole in one!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Dad who plays golf.

I always asked dad why he bought an extra pair of socks when he played golf. Told me in case he got a hole in one. πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just bought some incel olive oil.

I figured if "extra virgin" olive oil is good, this stuff would be amazing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Russian Condoms

One day the president of the largest condom company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When I was younger I used to have these little plastic cut outs for drawing around.

I'd do them all the time, almost compulsively, but there would always be more. I'd spend hours and never run out. Then I realised, I'd never be done, I'd never accomplish anything because there would always be more and long after I stopped or died they'd be there.

Anyway that's the story of my first extra stencil crisis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I always go the extra mile...

because I always miss the exit on the freeway.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Don't let an extra chromosome get you down...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien...

It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a scientist, an engineer, and a mathematician are staying at a hotel....

Just kidding.


They're actually staying at different hotels in the same town for a convention of some sort. By some freak accident each of their cookie-cutter hotel rooms catches fire.

The scientist, being intelligent, takes an extra sheet from nearby and puts out the fire. He checks his work, sees the problem is solved, and goes back to bed.


The engineer, being practical, takes the fire extinguisher that is already in the room, follows the simple instructions, and sprays the shit out of that fire. The room is now damp and covered in foam, but the fire is out. The engineer then goes to sleep in an uncomfortable bed.


The mathematician, who studies math, gets up when he smells the smoke. He looks at the problem. Considers it for a moment. He takes out a pencil and notepad (he sleeps with them) and jots down a few calculations until he has a moment of clarity and looks up. He states "A solution exists" and then goes back to sleep.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In one episode of Dexter's Laboratory, Dexter fires Dee-Dee because.....

....he can't focus properly when she distracts him. So he hires this pretty blonde girl to mimic Dee-Dee, and he asks her "I want to see you dance" "That'll be 50$ extra" Took me awhile to figure that one out

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How does yoda feel about extra taxes on alcohol?

Backwards, the sintax is.

May the 4th be with you!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Extra puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Extra? Well, here are the best jokes about Extra to have fun with.

Joko Jokes