Humorous Extra Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects
A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"
The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".
"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".
"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".
The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"
"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".
"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"
"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".
"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"
"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."
A Woman Walks Into A Drugstore And Asks...
the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Little Billy had been blind since birth...
...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."
So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know son, April fools."
You know what gets me down?
An extra Chromsome
Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.
*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*
It has been scientifically proven that women with few pounds extra tend to live a lot longer than...
...men who point that out.
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight...
Live longer, than the men, that mention it.
Job Interview
A games programmer is at a job interview at Electronic Arts.
As the interview comes to an end, the interviewer glances down at the programmer's résumé and sees "please turn over" written at the bottom.
He turns the résumé over, but finds that the other side is blank.
The interviewer asks, "Where's the rest of your résumé?"
The programmer replies, "Oh, that's downloadable content; it costs an extra ten dollars!"
You can explore extra spare reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean extra payment dad jokes. There are also extra puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
Why did the golfer wear a extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one
Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive h**...?
The FIFA headquarters.
4 college students are having a great time on spring break.
So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".
The prof says "no problem. Your safety comes first. Do what you need to, and when you get back the four of you can write the exam at that point".
So the students live it up for another week. Drinking. Partying. Etcetera.
When they get back to school a week later, the prof welcomes them, sits them each in different rooms, and hands them the exam.
When they turn the page over to start writing, they find their exams have only one question: "which tire?"
EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
Old couple goes to a fast food restorant.
They order one burger and fries, sit down and divide the burger and fries. A man from table next to them sees that and asks politely: "If you want, I can buy some extra food for you." "No thanks, we are a old couple, we share everything." Time goes by and the man is eating, but the woman is not. From the table next to them, the man asks again:"I really have no problem buying you food." Man replies:"Dodnt worry about it, she will eat! We share everything" But the stranger is not happy with that and asks the woman:"Why are you not eating?" Woman looks at him and says:"I am waiting for the teeth."
Monkey Business
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"
-New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter
Facebook Problem
Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."
I've just been fired from the clock making factory
after all those extra hours I put in.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
Turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I asked my friend with an extra chromosome if he wanted to hang out...
He said he was down
Don't let...
...an extra chromosome get you down.
Me: Can I have a few extra days off before Christmas?"
Boss: It's May.
Me: Sorry, may I have a few days off before Christmas?
In Italy, they call me Olive Oil
Its because im extra v**.... :(
Camped
Dad: We're going camped tomorrow, and I think we'll go extra deep into the woods.
Son: That sounds really fun, but wouldn't the proper statement be 'we're going camping.'
Dad: Normally, yes, but the verb changes because I'm sure we'll be going past tents.
I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.
I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.
I wondered for a second, then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers"
Your cat died
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.
A guy wants a dog
A guy wants a dog. He goes to one of his relatives if he has an extra dog. The relative says yes.
"Does he like kids?"said the guy
"Yes he does, but you can just give him dog food"
How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.
Two women are discussing their love lives
Jo says: "I have to be careful not to get pregnant."
Jenny looks confused. "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy."
"He did." says Jo. "That's why I need to be extra careful."
How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ?
Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.
as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask
"Are these from your seat ? "
A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."
The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"
The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."
As God created this human child, God asked him...
"How about an extra chromosome?"
The child replied, "I'd be down for that."
A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...
He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.
The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!
I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...
In fact, I'm down with it.
Dating a hoarder
I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I'm like the one thing she can get rid of.
A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"
I Happily I replied," Yes...."
She took away the extra chair in front of me.
My seatmate on a flight was a woman.
Ever the charmer, I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
Yes, she said, but I wasn't willing to pay.
I can't believe that they fired me from the clock making factory!
After all the extra hours I put into it!
Mom, I found a $10 bill today, but I threw it away, cause it was fake.
"Oh, how did you know it was fake?"
"It had an extra zero."
The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.
I told him I'd be 100% down with that.
A cute girl winked at me
She must be extra interested because she winked with both eyes.
Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome.
I told him I'd be down with that.
If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...
... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the cashier "do you have extra large condoms".
the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"
the woman says
"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"
I think I saw my friend with an extra electron...
...so I'm going to keep an ion him.
I tried to be an Uber driver...
Trouble is, my passengers didn't appreciate when I went the extra mile.
Do not shampoo in the shower
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,
"For extra body and volume."
No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of shampoos and start using dish washing liquid. Its label reads
"Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."
Follow this and stay slim and trim forever.
My friend had purchased an extra stand-up comedy ticket for me. I turned him down.
After all, I could never enjoy jokes at other people's expense.
Did you hear about the kid born w/o an eyelid?
When they circumcised him, they used the extra skin to fix his eyelid.
The procedure went fine, he's a little cockeyed now though...
The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single...
I happily replied,
"Yess..."
She took away the extra chair in front of me.
My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.
But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.
I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?
The person sitting next to me on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I used one of my pick-up lines on her.
I asked, Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?
Yes, she replied, but I wasn't willing to pay.
Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?
I don't see the point, it's needless.
What do you get when you cross Father's Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma... I hope.
What do incels use for lubrication?
Extra v**... olive oil.
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees.
He counted and gave me 13.
Sir, you gave me an extra , I said.
That's a freebie.
This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.
He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.
An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
How does the Hulk make extra money?
He flips cars.
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.
Sir, you gave me an extra. That's a freebie.
I went to a pet store to buy 12 bees..
They gave me 13..
The extra one was a freebie.
After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.
And how much of a raise do you want? asks his boss.
I'm thinking an extra $10,000 a year, says the employee.
The boss nods. Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadillac?
The employee sits up straight. Wow! he says. Are you kidding?
* Yes, but you started it. *
A new study found
A new study found
that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..
And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..
A blonde was going door to door...
She was looking to do odd jobs and chores to make some extra money. She knocks on a door, a guy answers and she asks if he has any chores he needs done. He said "sure I need my porch painted. I'll give you $100 if you do a good job". He shows her where the paint and brushes are and she says she'll make it look great. 30 minutes later, she knocks on his door and says "I'm done" and he replies "already? I thought it would take hours". She assured him she was finished and then said "by the way, that's a Ferrari, not a porch".
Why do golfers have an extra pair of socks?
Incase they get a hole in one.
A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button
He had to pay in order to use additional features
I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay
It's got prose and cons.
I went to a beekeeper.
I asked him for a dozen bees.
When he counted them out, there were 13.
I said "hey, you gave me an extra one."
He said "that's a freebie."
I am earning 5,000 monthly
Last month I received 7,000 and I kept quiet.
This month I got 3,000 so I went to HR to complain.
HR asked "why didn't you complain when you received extra last month?"
I replied "I will normally forgive the first mistake, but I can't tolerate the second."
For extra cash consider robbing s**... offenders.
Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.
Only downside is politicians usually have good security.
"Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"
"In case they get a hole in one!"
My fencing opponent laughed at me for bringing a block of cheddar to a sword fight.
Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
I ate my KFC in the cemetery last night, just the way I like it.
Extra gravey.
A farmer and his dog are in a field counting sheep.
'I count 47 sheep', says the farmer.
'I count 50 sheep', says the dog.
'How on earth did you count an extra three sheep?!'
'You told me to round them up!'
I mixed up the Pizza Hut app and Grindr.
There is a 10 vegetarian with extra cheese on the way over and I'm not sure what to expect….
Why don't Americans eat snails?
Because they like fast-food.
(This one actually came from my dad if that gets extra points.)
Just bought some extra strong beer. On the tin it says 'Please drink responsibly'
Well I've got my seat belt on...
How do you make extra v**... olive oil from regular olive oil?
Dating advice from a Redditor.
Me: Would you like some olive oil on your pasta?
Customer: Is it extra v**...?
Me: *tearing up* No it's the same price
Businessman
Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.
The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.
Extraction
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's b**... when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, Hurt much? The patient hesitated, Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!
My extra sensitive toothpaste ...
doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
I finally caught her.
I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a few minutes, during which I could hear a lot of commotion, he came back to the car, dragging a woman by the arm. "Hey, what gives?", I protested. "This isn't my wife!" "I know, she's mine. I'll be right back with yours."
I got fired even though I always went the extra mile.
My boss said I was an awful taxi driver.
Go to health
A recent study shows that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.
I got this extra electron I don't want.
My friend said, "Don't be so negative, bro".
Is it possible to kill someone with a piece of Cheddar cheese?
Yes, but only if it's extra sharp.
