Express Jokes
98 express jokes and hilarious express puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about express that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready to spread some happiness with Express Jokes? Learn vocabulary associated with popular express delivery services such as Panda Express, Polar Express, Pony Express, American Express, Pizza Express, Orient Express, Pineapple Express and FedEx. Add a little bit of humor to your day and impress your friends with these witty jokes.
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Funniest Express Short Jokes
Short express jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The express humour may include short interpreter jokes also.
- Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy. Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket
- Bilbo was surprised to hear of a Tesco Express opening up in the Shire... It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
- It only takes 3 inches to please a woman. And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.
- One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.
- Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the Like button.
- What is the unit to express joules per second? Sorry, watt is the unit to express joules per second.
- There is a trend in psychotherapy called Anger Expression therapy where the patient is to express any anger immediately no matter how small or trivial. Its all the rage.
- I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.
- What's the difference between an expression of confusion and an underground German woman? One's a furrowed brow and the other is a burrowed Frau.
- The Thinker by Rodin is... Rodin’s masterpiece sculptural work The Thinker is based on a distinctive Xi’an figure with a disturbed expression. The Terracotta Worrier.
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Express One Liners
Which express one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with express? I can suggest the ones about console and passport.
- Why does Djokovic pay with American Express Because he has no visa
- I just opened an express clothing alteration business. It's called Tailor Swift.
- What's the winter solstice's favorite way to express itself? "Light" poetry.
- How do you express your opinion in China? \[redacted\]
- Where does Hillary Clinton eat at to appeal to Asian voters? Pander Express.
- How do pirates express their creativity? Arrrrrrrrrt.
- How does a Japanese alligator express its gratitude? Aligato
- England votes to leave the Euro cup Many express regret and want a rematch.
- How does a tree express its feelings on a stage? Through a mono-log
- What do you have to do if you need to go somewhere fast? Express yourself.
- I lost my dictionary today. I can't find the words to express my dissapointment.
- How do you express criticism of Israel in America? \[redacted\]
- My vocabulary is so poor... I can not express it in words.
- What train goes to the psychiatrist office? The Bi-Polar Express
- The Polar Express isn't actually real. It's a work of imagination - a train of thought.
American Express Jokes
Here is a list of funny american express jokes and even better american express puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 3 1/2 Inches is the avg size a woman needs to be happy. MasterCard, Visa, American Express, ect...
- TIFU by disappointing a girl with my 3.2 incher. She didn't take American Express.
- What kind of credit card does Santa Claus use? ~~American~~ Polar Express
- There Are A Few Ways of Expressing Laughter in Type. American: hahahaha
Brazillian portuguese: huehuehuehue
Japanese: wwwww
Korean: kekekeke
Mexicans & Spanish: jajajajaja
Thai: 555555 - My wife lost my American Express.... I haven't reported it stolen, the thief spends less than my wife does each month.
- If Hogwarts Express were to operate in the United States Wouldn't that be American Express?
Express Opinions Jokes
Here is a list of funny express opinions jokes and even better express opinions puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read…. "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
- In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion So long as the government agrees with it.
- I hate it when people publicly express their opinions needlessly, just seeking attention when nobody cares. But that's just my opinion.
Panda Express Jokes
Here is a list of funny panda express jokes and even better panda express puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't bisexuals eat at Panda Express? Because they're always telling them to pick a side.
- Panda Express fired me for emailing around photos of bad stir fry... I guess I should have labelled them Not Safe for Wok...
- What did the customer say about Panda Express's Internet Security? It had nice Authentic Asian.
- What's COVID-19's favorite restaurant? Panda(emic) Express
Pony Express Jokes
Here is a list of funny pony express jokes and even better pony express puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The Pony Express shouldn't have used ponies because they get tired easily They really should have just ponied up and gotten horses.
- Hillary Clinton has been so embarrassed about her email scandal that if elected she will bring back the secure channels of communication she used growing up... the pony express.
Heartwarming Express Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about express you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean echo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make express pranks.
Deep Love
no matter how deeply you love someone, you cannot express it more than six inches deep
So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush
Musharraf - "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush - "What buildings? What people?"
Musharraf - "Oh, what time is it in America now?"
Bush - "It's eight in the morning."
Musharraf - "Oops... Will call back in an hour."
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
Time for a Pao wow...
Feel free to express how you really feel...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It only takes a few seconds to express our true feelings
It only takes a few seconds to express our true feelings.
Unfortunately police call it m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The common phrase to express somethings simplicity is
"its not rocket science...". But what do rocket scientists say to each other? "Come on Doug, its not.....s**...."
What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers?
The Daily Express.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Putin and Medvedeev talking
- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane c**... in Smolensk and they tell me the plane didn't take off yet!
A linguistics professor is lecturing his class
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted...
He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.
Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"
His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"
An english professor said to his students there is no way to use two positives to express a negative
One student smirked to his friend "Yeah right."
What did Till Lindemann say when he was appointed captain of the Planet Express?
"Fire Fry!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to start a fight on Internet in two steps
1. Express your opinion.
2. Wait.
What do you call all the sacked news reporters in China?
The orient ex-press
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...
All I have to do is express a desire to have s**... with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.
My wife rushed into the supermarket to grab a few items
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call it when a guy gets shot delivering Kung pao chicken?
m**... on the orient express
I expressway more than I should...
...because I'm highway too much.
What train did santa go on when he couldn't make his mind up?
The Bipolar Express
So this guy finds a magic lamp...
This guy finds a magic lamp. Obviously, a Genie comes out of it.
*The Genie: You can make 1 wish, it can be anything. What do you desire?
*The guy: Well, I'd like to have a railroad that connects New York City and Moscow.
*The Genie: That... might be a liitle too much. Is there anything else you would like?
*The Guy: Well, if that's the case, I'd like to be able to understand Women
* The Genie: Did you want express trains as well?
Perhaps we should start throwing small potatoes at FCC Chairman Pai to express our displeasure and to annoy him.
It would make him Ajit-tatered.
(disclaimer, do not throw potatoes at people, duh)
I felt so bad about what happened that I sent two telegrams apologizing.
I guess I had to express my re-morse.
How do you express that you're bad at life and thirsty at the same time?
You say "I feel juiceless."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is an old expression that goes like this, a hobo with one eye is good luck
But a homeless man with three eyes is the winner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes on a business trip to Japan. The night before his big meeting, he hires a p**....
He really seems to be having a good time, because as they do their thing, she keeps enthusiastically saying things in Japanese over and over again.
The next day, he invites the Japanese businessmen out for a game of golf after their meeting. After a nice hole-in-one, he decides to try out a phrase his p**... used the other night to express his excitement. One of the businessmen turns to him and says, "What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"
Words could not express the sheer excitement fans felt after hearing Rick & Morty was officially renewed.
Mainly because the fanbase doesn't exactly know how words work.
My local theater put on a show about the development of speech to express ideas.
It was a decent play on words.
I went to a Chinese supermarket but couldn't read the sign telling me which is the express checkout
All I saw was a bunch of lines
What makes you irrationaly angery?
When I can't express my anger in fraction.
At Oxford's men only English language competition, 200 males were participating
The challenge was to express Peacefulness, Happiness and Calmness in a single sentence.
The person who won the competition wrote....
"My wife is sleeping."
He also received standing ovation from the audience.
Scientists have proven that females can express their emotions better than males.
As a man, that information makes me feel...something...
I want to Express my daughter's age as a fraction 6/12, 9/12, 16/12 etc.. my wife is really upset about it.
In our house it's really causing division
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boy with Phenomenal Memory
A host enters the circus and announces:
"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."
A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.
The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.
Then again the host comes out and says: "And now a boy with a phenomenal memory will p**... on everyone who sits in the second row."
Everyone sitting in the second row jump up and start to run away.
Host: "Hiding is useless! The boy has a PHENOMENAL MEMORY!"
Well, we can't use the expression 'avoid it like the plague' anymore.....
Coz apparently humans do not do that.
A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.
They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two naval war ships and a submarine. I repeat edit your bearings and move out of our way!" "Negative sir, were a lighthouse, so its your call!"
(Someone told that this actually happened one time)
Switch Operator
This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."
Reality vs LinkedIn
Reality:
I got my driving license
Linkedin:
I am honored and thrilled to announce that I have been selected among the top 5 applicants who participated in professional and the most-respected exam which evaluates the skills and ability to operate fuel-based vehicles. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter holds, and I cannot express my appreciation to the ministry of transportation, Wendy's, Google, NASA, my neighbors who supported me during this difficult journey.
There is a sign at a gas station that said, 'We take Visa, Mastercard, Discover Card, and American Express.'
After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.
After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.
A county official noticed an increase in the town's birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it's too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…
I was doing the crossword puzzle at breakfast and asked my wife for some help.
I asked, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"
She said "Huh?"
I said, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"
She said "Huh?"
I tried one more time, "What's a word used to express a lack of understanding?"
For some reason, she got up and stormed out of the kitchen. So now I'm in trouble and I still haven't finished my puzzle. Not a great start to the day...
