explains Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious explains puns

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

👍🏼

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

👍🏼

Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...

"My mom just told me I'm adopted"

👍🏼

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

👍🏼

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

👍🏼

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

👍🏼

A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power outlet."

👍🏼

In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains:

"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer."

👍🏼

A young gay man comes out...

He sits down with his mother and explains his sexual preferences.

She sits quietly for a while, then asks him "Does this mean you allow a man to put his penis in your mouth?"

Somewhat taken aback, he responds "Well, yes."

She says "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

👍🏼

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."

The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

👍🏼

A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.

The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.

"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.

A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.

Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.

*(

👍🏼

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"

Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."

👍🏼

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore...

He asks the Muslim store owner, "Do you have that book, the one that explains Trump's Muslim Ban and illustrates points concerning his immigration policy?" The Muslim owner responds, "Get the fuck out of here you pig! Get the fuck out and stay out! And if you ever try to come back I'll personally beat your ass!" The guy answers, "Yeah, that's the one, do you have it in paperback?"

👍🏼

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*

👍🏼

My wife isn't speaking to me.

A man walks into a bar,looking all bummed out, and orders a drink. After a few minutes he orders another. About thirty minutes later he orders a few more drinks.
The bartenders asks," Dude you look really depressed. Is everything okay?"
The man explains," My wife and I got into big fight. She says she won't speak to me for 31 days."
The bartender asks," Well isn' t that a good thing."
The man replies," Sadly, tonight's the last night."

👍🏼

Nephew asks about sex

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

👍🏼

Two Prostitutes (Kim & Chloe) walking down the street at night....

Kim says to Chloe, "Wait, someone is coming over." Chloe surprised and asks, "How can you tell? Its so dark out here." Kim explains, "You know I have this gift of smelling dick from a far." Chloe laughs and says, "No silly, I just burped."

👍🏼

A guy enters a bar...

A guy enters a bar and orders a whole tequila bottle. The barman asks him what's up and the guy says: "I've just found out one of my sons is gay".
Next day, the same guy orders two tequila bottles. "Today, the other son told me he's also gay..." explains him to the barman.
The third day - now the guy asks for 3 tequila bottles.
"So, I guess there is no one left in your family who likes pussy..." - says the barman.
"Oh yes, there is", replies the guy. "My wife."

👍🏼

A little kid walks into his parents' bedroom while they're having sex

The little boy asked, "What are you doing?"

His mother explains, "Your dad was full of air, so I was jumping on him to get it out."

The boy says, "That's really funny. Whenever you go out for work, your sister comes and blows him right back up."

👍🏼

A police officer pulls a guy over.....

and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?

👍🏼

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

👍🏼

Walking down the street I heard a gangster call me a pussy...

I turned to find him and his friend laughing. Feeling brave I simply replied, "You are what you eat. Explains why you're being such a dick while your buddy's giggling like an asshole."

The good news is that the nurse says I can go home in 4-6 more weeks...

👍🏼

A grade school teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living.

Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."


The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.


Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

👍🏼

Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat

"How did you know it was dead?" asks the teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" says the boy.

"You did what!?" shrieks the teacher.

"You know" explains the boy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move!"

👍🏼

A little girl tells her dad she wishes she had a sister

In an attempt to be clever, her dad explains, "You do, it's just you don't see her. Every time you come in the front door: she leaves out the back door.". The little girl replies, "ohhhh, just like my other daddy!"

👍🏼

Burnt ears...

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"

👍🏼

[NSFW] a man and a woman are having sex

A man and a woman are having sex and suddenly he stops moving and after a minute he continues. The woman asks "Honey, what was that?" The man explains: "This is a new technique I learned on the Internet: it's called buffering."

👍🏼

Three nurses who were working in a morgue, discover a dead man with a hard on.

The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him.

The 2nd nurse does the same.

The 3rd nurse hesitates, and explains that she is on her period, but she does him anyway.

Then suddenly the man sits up, and the nurses quickly apologize, saying they thought he was dead.

The man replies "Well, I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fucking great!

👍🏼

John is a great painter.

He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom; it was so convincing, his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up.

She calls John's father on phone to complain about the kid and explains what had happened.

The father, apologizing from his hospital bed replied, 'You are lucky! At home, that idiot drew a VAGINA on the POWER SOCKET. He is the reason am in the hospital.'

👍🏼

a blonde police officer stops a blonde driver

A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver:
"You have driven too fast: let me see your driver's licence."
The blonde driver is puzzled: "What's a driver licence?"
The blonde police officer explains: "Um... you have your face on it."
The blonde driver hands the blonde police officer a mirror.
The blonde police officer looks at the mirror and salutes the blonde driver:
"Sorry, I didn't recognize you were a police officer."

👍🏼

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced

That explains why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self importance

👍🏼

Taxidermist walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

👍🏼

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'

The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'

The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'

The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'

👍🏼

A guy walks into work...

And both ears are bandaged.
The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss responds "we'll that explains one ear, but what happened to the other?"
And the guy responds "Well, I had to call the doctor!"

👍🏼

A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No!" He laughs. "I thought you meant lie to your wife!"

👍🏼

What are the most funny Explains jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Explains? Well, here are the best Explains dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Explains pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes