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Explaining Friends Jokes

119 explaining friends jokes and hilarious explaining friends puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about explaining friends that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Explaining Friends Short Jokes

Short explaining friends jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The explaining friends humour may include short friends show jokes also.

  1. My friend says he has the body of a Greek God... I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't greek
  2. There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat". I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.
  3. My friend told me he has developed a lung disease... I told him to explain it to me asbestos he can.
  4. I explained to my friend that I was going to shoot him, and I did. He didn't seem to care. It just went in one ear and out the other.
  5. I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today... Unfortunately he kept taking things literally.
  6. My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
  7. A friend of mine didn't understand what Poseidon's kiss was so I had to explain to him That I didn't either
  8. I explained to my friend that he shouldn't be afraid of drowning in the sea because of Archimedes principle. But he was too dense.
  9. I've been trying to explain asymptotes to my friends... They're getting closer every time.
  10. My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

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Explaining Friends One Liners

Which explaining friends one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with explaining friends? I can suggest the ones about friends inside and friends are like.

  1. I have found my best friend in my wife They both have some explaining to do!
  2. My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, 'Watt?'
  3. When your friend tries to explain Humanities to you.
  4. I tried to explain irony to my friend... ... But it just confused him even more.
  5. I was trying to explain anatomy to a couple of friends.....
  6. My friend tried to explain electricity to me I was like "watt??"

Explaining Friends Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about explaining friends you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean close friends jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make explaining friends pranks.

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin."
Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student.


Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

One of the two adult female friends got married and went on honeymoon to Hawaii.


On return curious other girl asked her friend, “What sightseeing places did you go in Hawaii and what did you see?”
The honeymoon girl explained, “For seven days, I saw only the fan on the ceiling of the room and occasionally when turned around, I saw the bed sheet too.”

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

A genie granted a man one wish for a great deed he had done...

He explained that it could be anything the man desired, for the powerful genie was capable of anything. The man thought for a bit, and said "Build me a highway from here to Europe." The genie was surprised, he explained that a highway to europe wouldn't be a great way of transportation and how it would be very difficult to build. "Im sorry, its just way too difficult. But anything elso in the world, my friend. Anything at all." The man thought again, and said "alright. Tell me why women act and think the way they do. " The genie looked up at him and replied "How many lanes? "

Two Hunters


A classic...
Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a b**... rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.
So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"
- Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to s**... on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way to make sure he won't die. You heard me? The only way you can keep him alive is s**... on the bite! You can save him!
- O.K thank you!"
The hunter that got bit then proceeds to say:
- "So? What did they tell you?"
And the other responds:
- "They say you're going to die"

A man was asked by his cousin to come with him to his hunting lodge...

With them was the cousin's hunting friends. As it was raining the first day, and since none of them didn't feel like spending a whole day out in the wet, they decided to stay inside.
After a while the man got bored and asked his cousin if they couldn't do anything.
The cousin said: "Well, we could tell each other jokes. I'll start."
The cousin thought for a moment and then said "27". And all the other hunters started to laugh.
" Why does everyone laugh? You just said a number."
His cousin explained that since they had heard all these stories a hundred times, they had given them numbers to make them easier to tell. The man thought this was a bit wierd, but he thought why not.
The "storytelling" went on for a while until finally a hunter said a number and the rest started laughing more than before.
The man looked up and asked why this was so funny. The cousin replied, "Oh, we haven't heard this one before."

Marketing 101

A professor explained about marketing to MBA students.
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing.
2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising.
3. The same girl at the party walks to you and says, you're rich, do you want to marry me? That's brand recognition.
4. You say I'm rich, marry me and she introduces you to her husband. That's the demand and supply gap.
5. Before you say I'm rich, marry me, your wife arrives. That's restriction from entering a new market.

Heard this from a friend

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between complete and finished. Some say there is no difference the two but there is. For example, when you marry the right man you are complete. When you marry the wrong man you are finished. When your husband likes shopping more than you do, you are completely finished.

A Native American boy walks up to the the Chief of his tribe...

He says to the Chief "Great Chief, where do the people of our tribe get their names?" the chief replies, "Well, each infant is given a name by their father seconds before the mother gives birth. You see, what the father does is observe the nature around them and let its spirit inspire them." The boy says "I see, this makes some sense to me." and the Chief explains to the boy, "You're friend, Soaring-eagle, received his name when his father saw an eagle fly directly above the hut that his wife was giving birth in." The boy still looked slightly confused, so the Chief asked "Why exactly are you seeking this information. Did you want to know where you're name originated, Twodogsfucking?"

An elder couple goes to restaurant in Paris

An elder couple goes to a restaurant for the man's 100th birthday. Upon entering a favorite restaurant of his, they found out it is fully booked.
In an attempt to seal a table still, the woman starts explaining how her husband fought in World War II for his country, that he came to this particular restaurant with his army friends. He probably wouldn't live much longer than this, and though his army friends were long gone, he wanted to dine here one last time.
Moved by his story the manager fixed them a table and gave them the best possible service he could. After a wealthy fine dinner, with some really great wines the couple proceeds to check out.
When paying the manager asked the man, who had been rather quiet so far, if everything was ok. To which the man replied: Das Essen war sehr gut, vielen Dank!

My friend made a joke and wants to know if it's good. Let me know what you think

There is two doctors one old and one young, and the old doctor is teaching the younger doctor about house calls, they go to the first house and the old doctors like I'll teach you how it's done, and he asks the woman what's wrong? And the woman replies I've been full and not that hungry much . The doctor drops his stethoscope and looks around the trash and notices empty chip bags and candy rappers around the trash can. And the doctor than says you need to lay off the junk food. They leave and the older doctor explains to the younger doctor how he did it. And they go to the next house and the younger doctor says I'll try this one." the girl says she has been to tired lately. The younger doctor droped his stethoscope and and picked it up, and told the woman to lay off the church work and religion stuff. The lady said okay I'll try that and see how it works they leave and the older doctor asks how the did you do that one and the younger doctor said When I dropped my stethoscope I noticed the priest underneath her bed

Oh no!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have s**... with her?"
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob sighs and says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Two friends are talking...

and the first guy notices his buddy is looking like he has something bugging him.
He asks his friend, "Man, you look like you got something on your mind. What's up?"
"I just had a rough night. I went to the bar, got falling-down drunk, and when I got home, I wrecked my car into the tree. What's even worse is when I went inside, I started blowing chunks." Man number two explains.
The first friend says, "That's terrible about your car. How is that not the worst part?"
The second man says, "Chunks is my dog."

So a man was walking through a graveyard...

When he began hearing music coming from one of the graves. So he followed the sound and ended up at Beethoven's grave. Then he recognized the music, it was Beethoven's 9th but it was playing backwards! So the man called up his friend to come check it out and when the friend arrived Beethoven's 7th was playing, backwards as well. They called the caretaker and he arrived as Beethoven's 5th was playing and even he could not figure it out! They called doctors scientists and nobody could explain what was happening. Finally the music teacher arrived just as Beethoven's first was about to end and the crowd of people asked him what was happening. "That's easy!" The musician replied. "He's decomposing!"

Statistician and bomb.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.
There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low,
it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend
met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your
theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just
that I subsequently computed the probability that there would
simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is
low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own
bomb. "

Diesel Fitter

Ole and Lars who worked together were both laid off, so off they were to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, Ole said, "p**... stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton p**...." The clerk looked up p**... stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week unemployment pay.
Lars was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave him $600 a week.
When Ole finds out he is furious. He stormed back to find out why Lars, his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "p**... stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.'"

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey Hey! what are you doing? The monkey says Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so s**... that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the s**... lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, What's the matter with you?! The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says Hey, MONKEY! The Monkey looks down and says FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?

Four guys were golfing when one gets a phone call and walks away

The other three guys start talking about how successful their sons have been. The first guy explains how his son started as an entry level stock broker, but now owns his own wealth management firm. The last time he got a friend a gift, he gave him a half-million dollar investment portfolio. The second guy then brags about his son. My son is so successful, he started out as a used car salesman but now owns his own dealership. He recently gave a friend a brand new Bentley as a birthday gift. The third guy, not to be outdone, says that his son started as a carpenter but now owns a construction company. The last gift he gave a friend was a brand new house. At this point, the fourth guy returns from his call. The other gentleman ask about his son, to which he replies "Well, I'm not too pleased with my son right now. He has been unemployed for the last year and a half, and he recently told me he is gay." As the other men look at him in horror, he continues "But he must be really good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends gave him a huge stock portfolio, and new luxury car, and a brand new house."

The Final Exam

The weekend before their big history final, four college buddies decided to go to St. Louis to party with friends. However, after partying all night, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Springfield until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking their history final then, they decided to find their professor after it was over and explain to her why they had missed it.
They had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, they told her, and had planned to come back in time for the test, but on the way back, they'd taken a short cut down a dirt road and had had a flat tire. They didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and as a result they missed the final.
The Professor thought about it awhile and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.
The guys were elated. They studied together that evening and, the next morning, arrived for the test. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem. It asked:
"(For 5 points) On what date was the Declaration of Independence ratified?"
"Cool," they thought at the same time, each in his separate room. "This test is going to be a breeze."
Each wrote July 4, 1776 and then turned the page.
On the second page was written:
"(For 95 points): Which tire?"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".

A man walks into a bar and orders two beers...

He then explained to the bartender "one of these beers is for me, and the other for my buddy that saved my live during the war who lives across the ocean." The bartender, honored by the veteran, gladly provides the beers and the man drinks them both.
Every Tuesday for fifty years this man would come to the same bar and order the two drinks. However, one night the man comes in, looking sad. He tells the bartender "Only one beer tonight please."
The bartender and the regular customers are shocked and saddened. The bartender brings him his drink and says "I'm sorry about your friend".
The man replies "Oh, my buddy is fine, I just converted to Mormanism."

Bloke walks into a pub....

Bloke walks into a pub and orders a drink. While he's taking the first sip, he hears a voice go: "Psst! Nice coat."
He turns around to thank this kind soul for the nice comment, but there isn't a soul in sight apart from himself and the man behind the counter; So, the man turns back to his drink and continues to sip.
A little further in.... there's the voice again! This time, it goes: "Nice shoes, friend." The man's sure he's heard it right, so he turns to the bartender and asks him: "Did you say something?"
The bartender shrugs, and the man (more than a bit suspicious) turns back to his drink. And yet again: "That's a really nice wristwatch!" the voice says. Now, the man's had it. He sets his drink down on the counter and turns to the bartender. "Is it that I'm hearing voices, or are you playing tricks on me? --You can say nice things about me without having to be so secretive about it, you know?"
The bartender, looking at him in between polishing glasses, off-handedly says: "The peanuts."
"What?" asks the man. "The peanuts what?"
And the bartender points down to the dish of peanuts sat by the man and explains: "They're complimentary."

Can someone please explain my joke for me?

Long ago there was a mohel who performed more circumcisions than all other mohels. One day he was talking to a friend of his and the friend asked, "You've performed so many circumcisions, what do you the foreskins?" The mohel replied "Ah, well, you see, I've made a wallet from them all. The friend, puzzled said, "You've circumsised so many children, you must have collected dozens of foreskins, and all you have made is a wallet?" And the mohel replied, "I know it's just a wallet. But when you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."

p**... Stitcher VS Diesel Fitter

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "p**... Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton p**...."
The clerk looked up p**... Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled labor," she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.
When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, "p**... stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor"
"What skill?!" yelled Manuel. "I sew the elastic on da p**..., Pedro puts dem over his head and says: 'Yeah, diesel fitter.'"

Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...

...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"

An American, an Englishman, a German and a Japanese go golfing on their annual meetup...

As they are playing, they hear a ringing sound. The American rushes to his golf bag and pulls out a mobile phone. He answers the phone and when the conversation is done, he explains to his friends, "My company needs to be in touch with me all the time, so I carry this fancy phone around with me." The other golfers are mildlyinterested.
As they continue playing, another ringing sound is heard. The Englishman puts his thumb to his ear and his last finger on his mouth and also has a conversation. When he is done he says "My company also needs to be in touch with me, so they installed a speaker on my thumb and a microphone on my last finger. The antenna is in my hat. The other golfers nod in approval at his technology.
Later in the day, yet another ringing sound is heard. The German tilts his head and starts talking. When he is done he says to the others, "To keep in contact with my company, there's a speaker in my ear canal and a microphone in my tooth. The antenna is in my spine." The other golfers are impressed at such marvels of technology.
As they are playing the last hole, a beeping sound is heard and the Japanese runs into the bushes. After he hasn't shown up for a while, the other golfers look for him and eventually find him squatting on the ground, pants down. "Oh, I'm sorry for intruding." Says one of them. "Oh, it's okay. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Final Exam

The Final Exam
There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to school until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The
guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thought this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page. On the second page was written...
For 95 points: Which tire? _________

The Super Bowl

Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby.
"It was my husband's," the woman explained, "but he died."
"I'm very sorry," said the man. "Yet I'm really surprised that another relative, or friend, didnt jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for him."
"Beats me," she said. "They all insisted on going to the f**...."

Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.

After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."

Caught in the blizzard [An old one but a good one]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will *talk* if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack received a letter. Finding it hard to believe what he read, Jack decided to confront his friend. He went to find Bob and asked him, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did sneak into her house in the middle of the night and sleep with her?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And, when she asked you your name, did you tell her my name instead of yours?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well ... she just died and left me her 5 million dollar estate."

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are you doing vidout any clothes, voman?" Lars asked. "Vell, I yust don't have any clothes to vear, dat's why," answered Lena. "Vat you talking about," said Lars as he opened the closet door and began counting: "Vun dress, two dress, tree dress, four dress... Oh, hello Ole... Five dress...
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An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35. His friends cautioned him about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of amour could prove to be fatal. "Vell, dat's the chance I'll have to take," said Lars. "If she dies...she dies."
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The nurse told Ole to s**... to the waist. So he took off his pants.
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Lars and Lena and two other couples were being considered for membership in the Trinity Church. The minister explained that one of the requirements was for the couples to abstain from relations three weeks prior to final approval. "When you demonstrate self control, you will be welcomed to membership in Trinity Church," explained the minister.
Two of the couples indicated compliance, so the minister said, "You are now welcomed to the Church."
However, Lars and Lena admitted that on the last day of the three week period, they had succumbed after Lars became a**... when his wife Lena leaned over to pick up a spool of thread that had dropped to the floor.
"I'm extremely sorry," said the minister, "but I have to say that you now cannot be welcomed into the Trinity Church."
"Vell," said Lars, "Ve are not velcome at Sears anymore eeder.."
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Swede: When is your birthday?
Norwegian: March 21st.
Swede: What year?
Norwegian: Every year.
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Ole made a visit to the church on the corner near his home, found a priest and proceeded to make a confession. "Father, I got some tings to tell you about. I had an affair vith da vidow on Oak street last veek. And this veek I been getting togedder vith a coupla married vomen in my apartment."
"Well," said the priest, "for penance you better go home and say 40 Hail Marys."
"Oh, I ain't Cat'lick," explained Ole.
"You're not Catholic?" Exclaimed the priest. "Then, why are you telling ME?"
"Becoss," said Ole, "I'm telling EVERBODY!"
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A swede was sympathizing with a Norwegian who lost three wives in less that a year. The swede asked how they died.
"Vell, da first vun died from poisoned mushrooms," explained the Norwegian.
"And the second one?" Asked the Swede?
"Same ting...poisoned mushrooms."
"How about the last?"
"Oh her," said the Norwegian, "Fractured skull."
"How?"
"Wouldn't eat her mushrooms."
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Judge: You've been brought here for drinking.
Dane: Swell! Let's get started.

Even pigs have standards

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a Philadelphia Eagles fan are in a car together. the car breaks down near a house with a barn. The owner says, "Well, I only have room for two of ya, so one's gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu holy man volunteers. Five minutes later, he explains, "I cannot sleep in that barn! There is a cow in there! Cows are sacred, and I cannot sleep on holy ground!" The rabbi agrees to take his friend's place, but comes back. "There is a pig in the barn. Pigs are unclean in my faith, so I cannot sleep there!" The Eagles fan, begrudgingly, goes out to the barn. Five minutes later, there is a knock on the door. The farmer opens it to find the cow and the pig.

There was this really talented female painter

and one day she painted this magnificent painting inspired by medieval times of a ball. It was filled with lords and ladies dancing with each other, a table filled with food for the feast, fools entertaining, and men in armor standing guard. She was so proud of this picture she called her friend over to show it to her.
The friend saw it and said, "Wow this is really great! But I have just one question, why was this painted mostly in red?"
"Well I used my menstrual blood to paint most of it." The painter replied. Her friend just stared at her in horror. She continued to explain, "Its a period piece you see."

Irony

My friend was trying to explain to me that I don't understand the concept of irony... which is ironic because we were standing at a bus stop.

I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate

But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this w**... in the river can't swim.

This was my go to joke when I was 5-ish

A woman is walking on the road and sees a man pushing his motorcycle up the street. This happens every day for the next three or so days and she finally decides to go up to the man and ask:
-"why is it that I see you pushing this bike up the street everyday?"
-"Well... you see, I just recently bought this bike and before I can drive it, I need to make sure it learns the directions to my house"
As you can probably guess I wasn't very good at the art of humour, so that pretty much explains why I never had friends as a child.

Thread idea: Submit your non-US / Canadian / UK jokes and explain them.

My German friend told me this joke back in college (only makes sense if you're in Germany when you tell it).
>"Why did the Russian thief steal *two* cars?"
>"Because he had to drive back through Poland!"
(the racial stereotype being that Germans consider both Russians and Polish to be notorious crooks)
Anyways if you have some kind of racial / cultural joke that might be unfamiliar to english speakers, let's hear it! (and explain it for us if necessary)

At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."
To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.
Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?"
The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.
He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."

Kids at the Wedding

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young e**... to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, "I was just trying to be a good ring bear."

Baseball

A man, Tom was with his friend, Larry, Larry was about to die. "Let me know if there's baseball in heaven". said Tom. The next day as Tom was sleeping he woke up to Larry's voice.
"Tom, I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news"?
asked Tom. "There is baseball in heaven". explained Larry. "What's the bad news"? asked Tom "You're pitching Tuesday". said Larry

A man doesn't know how to turn on his freezer

He goes to his friend for help. Happy to help, his friend explains what to do.
His friend asks "do you need me to explain it anymore?"
The man says "No thanks, icy now".

Two pieces of string walk into a bar

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. One of them sits down while the other goes up to the bar and says, "two pints of Guinness, please." The barman looks the piece of string up and down and says, "Sorry, but we don't serve pieces of string here."
So the piece of string goes back to his friend and explains the situation, and the friend decides to tie himself into a knot and fray his ends. He walks up to the bar and orders two Guinness's. This time the barman starts to fill the order but halfway through he looks up and says, "Hold on a minute... You're not a piece of string are you?" To which the piece of string answers:
"No, I'm a frayed knot."

A Coca Cola salesman returns from his Middle East assignment...

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and fainting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the friend.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

After a really good party

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, You wanna hear a blonde joke?
The person replies, I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Just explained the Higgs Boson to my friend even tho I don't understand it.

He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.
"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"
The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."
The Brit is somewhat puzzled, but after the farmer explains, he laughs uproariously. "Well done, sir, well done!"
When he returns to the UK, a friend asks him what Americans are like. "Oh, they have a jolly good sense of humour. When I asked a farmer what he does with all of his maize, do you know what he said?"
"We consume what we are able, and what we are not, we tin."

The teenage granddaughter...

..... comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your r**... show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your r**..., then I can display my hanging baskets."

A female friend went up to me and asked if she was pretty or ugly...

I responded with both
Confused, she asked me to explain
I told her that she was pretty ugly

My friend explained to me how the work of electricity was measured...

I just sat there like watt...

Convert today! $5000

Two elderly Jewish men were walking along when they came across a sign "Convert today! $5000." One of the men was interested and said he was going to see what it was all about. His friend had no interest and said he would wait on a bench. After 8 hours finally the man returns from the church.
"What happened that took forever?"
"Well the priest sat me down and explained to me all the things I have been doing wrong in my life. I realized he was right and I have converted."
"Yea yea but what about the $5000?"
"Jesus Christ is that all you people think about?"

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.
When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.
Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.
Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.
The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

A man is kissing a tractor

A man is kissing and hugging a tractor
Another man goes up to him and says "what on earth are you doing to this tractor" the man replies explaining that him and his wife are having some marriage problems so a friend said that he should do some s**... thing to a tractor. (Attract her)
First time posting ever, sorry for any mistakes.

John and Peter

John: Dude my girlfriend is pregnant, but I use a c**... every time.
Peter: Come here my dear friend and I will explain it to you
John: Ok.
Peter: A man went into the jungle with an umbrella. He saw a tiger coming right at him. He touched the button of his umbrella and the tiger died.
John: Haha!But that's impossible. Maybe someone else shot the tiger.
Peter: Exactly..

A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

JOKE BANK

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
Q: Why didn't the melons get married?
A: Because they cantaloupe.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens weren't around yet.
Q: What do you call a sad coffee?
A: Depresso.

I just made life a whole lot simpler for an overweight friend of mine...

I explained to him that every restaurant in town is an "all you can eat" place.

A sailor walks into a bar

A sailor walks into a bar takes his seat and starts drinking. He leans over to the guy next to him and says "Hey buddy, you want to hear a marine joke?" The guy says "Before you say the joke let me tell you this: I'm 6'0 190 lbs and I'm a marine, my friend is 6'2 210 lbs and is also a marine, the third guy is 6'5 250 lbs, he too is a marine. So with that in mind do you still want to tell the joke?"
The sailor stops for a minute and thinks to himself, after a minute he tells the man "nah I dont want to explain it 3 times"

A coke seller

The disappointed salesman of coke returns from middle east assignment. A friend asked," why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained," when I got posted in the middle east, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as cola is unknown there. But I had a problem I didn't know Arabic.
So I planned to convey this message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert. Second the man drinker cola and third man is totally refreshed. Then these posters were hanged everywhere there."
"That should have worked."said the friend.
He replied," well I didn't know Arabic neither realized that Arabs read from right to left...."

Explaining to my Married Friends how Tinder works.

Me : So you swipe right if you like them and swipe left if you don't like
Them : Ohhhhhh
Me : So basically you need to log in to the Facebook account to access the app.
Them : Ohhhhhh
Me : Don't worry nothing gets posted on Facebook
Them : Ohhhhhh
P. S - Only Married Folks understand the subtle difference in the Ohhhhhhs

[Long]Two men sitting at a bar, one asks the other "Do you want to hear a blonde joke"?

The other guy says "Yeah sure, I could do with a laugh".
The first guy is just about to start when he is tapped on the shoulder, and turns round to see three bulked up blondes. The one who tapped him on the shoulder says to him :
"I am the worlds premier female bodybuilder, and a blonde. My two friends are world champions at kickboxing and Judo respectively - they are both blondes. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke in this company?"
The guy says "Not if i have to explain it three times".

After my friend died from an allergic reaction to peanuts,

I went to his f**.... Everyone got upset when I put an Epipen on his tombstone.
So I explained:
"It's what he would have wanted"

Rabbits died

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could stuff them and they would almost look lifelike. He asked if she would like them mounted.
"No" she said, "holding paws would be fine."

What is communism?

- Let me explain.. If you had 2 yachts and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course.
- Well, that's communism. Another example, if you had 2 homes and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course I would.
- See, its easy. If you had 2 coats for example and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- No!
- No? Why not?
- Because I *do* have 2 coats

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.
"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.
"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If you're buying it from me, it's a violin."

My friend really s**... at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.
The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked
Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?
Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

Does anyone know in which page of the Bible explains how...

...to transform water into wine?
Asking for a friend.

One time, my friend slept with a callgirl. He kept interrupting her, explaining to her exactly how to have s**..., etc. Shortly after, he got arrested.

The charge was patronizing a p**....

A friend calls his engineer friend

A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engineer answers "I'm washing the dishes and my wife is watching me"