You see, it used to get cold outside
President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
The driver replies, "I'm president Donald Trump's driver, and I just killed the pig."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.
Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.
Me: Yay, I got a yob!
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...
It means a lot.
It means a lot
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.
Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.
They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".
Jimmy speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at a Newfie wedding its tradition for the first mate have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me you see and Tommy didn't take to kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the pussy!!!"
"Right in the pussy?!?" The judge cringes as he says, "That must have hurt".
Jimmy says, "Hurt!!?? Broke three of me fingers!!!"
When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never run out of flesh to sever. Your eyes will-"
"Are there printers?" The man interjects.
"....Printers? Um no, not that I know of, but-"
"Okay this place sounds fine, let's go."
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
A dad goes to see his daughter in her room but the door is shut. He opens it, and finds his daughter and some guy he's never met having sex.
The daughter looks up, distraught and embarrassed.
"I.. I can explain! I'm sorry!"
"Hi Sorry, I'm Dad."
He looks at the guy.
"Are you fucking Sorry?"
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.
The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied.
That would explain the doughnuts...
"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?
Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.
Me: Yay, I got a yob.
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
His wife was waiting for him. " you've been kissing someone, haven't you?" She shouted at him.
"No" he answered back.
"Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
"That's easy," he said. "I used my shirt to wipe my dick."
Because they always take things literally.
- Let me explain.. If you had 2 yachts and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course.
- Well, that's communism. Another example, if you had 2 homes and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course I would.
- See, its easy. If you had 2 coats for example and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- No!
- No? Why not?
- Because I *do* have 2 coats
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I will explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier run by here?"
The nun replied, "Nope, not today sir, god bless you" After the Police ran the other direction the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, you see, I don't want to go to war in Iran." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope this isn't rude sister but you have a great set of legs!"
The nun replied "Well, If you had looked a little higher you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iran either!"
I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
He was asking me all sorts of questions about the movie such as "Who's this character?" And "What about that character?". I explained the heroes as best I could. He finally asks me "Where's Superman?" So I try to explain that too. "Superman's owned by a different company, he's owned by DC, and these heroes in this movie are Marvel characters." He replies "What? The whole world is falling apart in this movie, but Superman can't get out of his contract to help?!"
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
What happened to you? asked Hillary.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
My God, what did you tell them? asks Clinton.
The driver replies, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig!
The civil servant asks a tribesman a series of questions about his life and eventually the matter of personal hygiene comes up.
\- How often do you wash your penis?
\- "Penis"? What's a "penis"?
Thinking this is the quickest way to explain, the civil servant drops his pants and shows him his penis.
Later the tribesman talks with his friend,
\- Do you know what a "penis" is?
\- No, what is it?
\- It's like a dick, but smaller
It means a lot.
Just today, I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."
...And that he needs to learn to knock when my door is closed.
"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"
Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."
"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"
I had to explain to him that Buddha wasn't Greek.
"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"
And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"
My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"
So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "hello" were two different words with completely different meanings.
A few days later I got a call from his teacher saying I needed to have a conversation with my son concerning his language. She said my son won't stop saying "shitto"
Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
It means a lot
one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you?," asked Hillary .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me."
"What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic, to which the horse replies, "I don't think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when any philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of cogito ergo sum, or roughly, "I think, therefore I am."
But to explain that concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further....
"ok chief. See that flock of sheep?"
"Mmm yes".
"See they are all white, but that one black one?"
"Mmm yes".
"Does that help you to understand?"
"Mmm yes. I no say nothing about baby, you no say nothing about sheep."
It means a lot.
- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Because they always take things literally.
Because they're always taking things literally.
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
But he's not buying it.
In fact, he's still making fun of me…
he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho
It means a lot.
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
After all these years while getting at it the wife got mad and turned on the light. She saw that the man was holding a dildo in his hand and thrusting her with it. The wife got furious and exclaimed, 'You cheat! so this is what you have been doing for the past 12 years. Explain me what did I do to deserve this ? Why did you keep me in the dark all this time?'
The man calmly replied, 'I will explain the toys, you explain me about the kids.'
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
He was handcuffed.
Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?
TV crew is shooting a reality series in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview this older man, John, who had lived there all his life. They ask him all sorts of questions, when finally the reporter says: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life..."
- John: well, this one time Ed's donkey got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for it. When we found it, we were so happy that we all had sex with the donkey.
- reporter, turning red: what? cut! cut! cut! John, we cannot air something like that! Do you not have another happy memory?
- John: well, this one time Waldo's wife got lost in the woods, a group of us went up and searched for her. When we found her, we were so happy that we all had sex with her.
- reporter, stupefied: cut! cut! cut! For Christ's sake John... you will get me fired. Never mind your happy memories... Why do you not tell us your saddest memory instead?
- John: well, this one time, I got lost in the woods...
when a dildo slams the windshield *THWAP* and bounces off. The daughter, being young and curious, asks, "What was that?". Not wanting to explain a dildo to a 4yo, the mother replies, "Just a bug." Daughter exclaims, "Wow mom, that bug had a huge dick!!".
They take things literally.
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
...and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says:
- Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!
The husband says:
- Okay, I'll explain. But first you explain the kids.
So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask's the bartender "You want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies " Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man responds "Well not if I have to explain it four times"
A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?".
The man began to explain how he was in the Navy and after his ship was struck by a torpedo, and he was stuck on a deserted island for months. "One day," he said "A mermaid magically appeared. She said she could grant any wish I had. I asked to be rescued, and off in the horizon, I saw a coast guard ship heading towards me. I then proceeded to explain how long I had been stuck on the island and asked her for some sex before being rescued. She explained that it was impossible since she was a mermaid. So instead, I asked her for a little head."
One day the wife decides to turn the lights on during the act to finally see her husbands penis. She flicks the light on to see her husband using a dildo instead of his manhood and gasps. "What the hell is this? Please explain to me why you're using that?!"
The husband responds "I'll explain this after you explain the kids".
A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on.
-Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy.
The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it.
A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps.
-What's wrong buddy...why're you crying?
-My baby brother.
-What about him?
-The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!
who are in the middle of having sex. The mom was on top of the dad when he enteres and immediately jumped off when she saw the son enter. The boy turns and runs from the room and goes back to his bedroom to think about what he just saw. The mom grabs her robe and come into his room to try and explain what he saw.
Mom: Son, I know you are confused about what you saw but its really simple. You know your dad has a big stomach so every night I sit on it to make it go down.
Son: well thats the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Mom: (shocked) Well what do you mean?
Son: Well thats stupid because every day you go to work the neighbor comes over and blows it right back up.
It means a lot
"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied.
... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
They always take things literally.
Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.
Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a 'post tortoise' was.
The farmer said, When you're driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise.
The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man's face so he continued to explain. You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.
"You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins."
Looking for a date. Her post reads "I'm looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run around on me and has a big dick." The next day her doorbell rings and when she opens the door she sees a man with no arms and no legs in a wheel chair. "I'm answering your add on craigs list" he says. "And before you say no, let me explain. I have no arms,so I can't beat you and I have no legs so i can't run around on you." "Okay" the woman says, "but what about your dick?" The man tells her "I rang the fuckin doorbell didn't I?"
There was an impotent guy who asked his wife to always have sex with lights off because he was wearing a strap-on and didn't want her to know about his problem.
After years, one night she dared to turn on the light to see what's his big secret. Seeing the dildo hung on her husband's hips she got angry: "I guess it will be quite difficult for you to explain this!"
"Way less difficult than you explaining the kids to me"
"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
Had to explain to her that we use names here. It was a pain.
In normal circumstances I would've stopped him myself, but I didn't bother and decided to just call the police.
Fuck it, I'll let him explain the bodies in the trunk.
Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.
It was difficult trying to explain why I wanted to suck her cock
Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way, Jimmy do you own a lawnmower?"
"Why yes I do"
"Ok, that must mean you've got a yard"
"Yup"
"If you've got a yard, then you must have a house"
"Sure do"
"And if you've got a house, you probably have kids"
"Three of them!"
"Wow, then you must be a heterosexual male with a beautiful wife at home"
"Yes, yes! This logic thing is pretty cool, sign me up!"
Later that day Jimmy goes home and sees his neighbor Gary and tells Gary about his new college course. Gary says "logic? What's that?"
"Well let me explain it like this", says Jimmy. "Do you own a lawnmower Gary?"
"No, I always borrow yours"
"Well then you must be a homosexual!"
He was surprised to see his parents were naked and his mom was bouncing on top of his dad. Mortified, his mom tells him to go to his room. After a few minutes of quick thinking she goes to Johnny to try to explain what he had witnessed.
"Johnny, your father's belly is so big that every once in awhile I have to bounce on top of him to push it back in," she exclaimed.
Johnny, just as puzzled as ever turned to her and said, "You're wasting your time, every day when you go to work Mrs. Jones from across the street comes over and blows it back up."
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
A mother and her young daughter were walking through the park one day when they came across 2 dogs having sex. The daughter asks her mom, "what are they doing?" the mom not wanting to explain sex to her young daughter just says "oh they're making cakes"
Further on they come across 2 rabbits having sex, again the daughter asks her mum what they are doing and again the mum goes "oh they're just making cakes."
further on the daughter says, "you and daddy were making cakes on the sofa last night weren't you?" the mom, horrified, asks "did you see us?" and the daughter replies "no, but I licked the whipped cream off the sofa afterwards"
...because he takes things literally
They take things literally.
I had to explain: That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now. (by Frankie Boyle)
... they always take things literally.
It's like eating your sisters pussy, the taste is the same but you know something is not right.
Because they always take things literally.
It means a lot.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.
"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
I tried to explain it to them but they didn't seem comforted when I cleared up the fact that my German Shepherd is actually 21 in dog years.
If you have to explain it, it's not that good
He is trying to explain to these young children what a tragedy is. A young boy asks if his parents dying from a terrible illness is a tragedy.
"No," Trump replies, "I would consider that a great loss"
A young girl asks if a train derailing, killing all 250 people onbard would be a tragedy.
"No, that is what you call an accident." Trump again replies.
"Look, say if I was flying in my presidential jet, and it crashed and I died, then that would be a tragedy."
A little girl responds, "Well I agree, it certainly would be no great loss, nor would it be an accident."
J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential
D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.
J: How about confidential?
D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential
" Could you explain to me," I yelled back, " Why you didn't wake up when I put it there? "
... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"
The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"
The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.
"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager.
The manager said to her, "Of course it does, miss."
"Then explain to me why I'm pregnant."
The manager simply replied, "Did you take it off?"
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
A wife and husband have been married for 30 years, and they only had sex with the lights off. One night the wife says turn the lights on, the husband says no, and they begin to bang. The wife turns the lights on in the middle of the act, and she sees the husband with a dildo. The wife says can you explain why have you been using a dildo all these years? The husband says I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids.
So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.
'Did you know you were three miles over the speed limit, sir? The officer asks.
The man begins to explain 'I'm really sorry officer I'm late for my arsehole stretching appointment'
Seeing the perplexed look on the officers face he continues, 'what they do is, put one finger in and work it around until they can fit two in, then keep going until they can get four in, then a hand, then both hands, then both arms to the elbow and it keeps going until my arsehole is six foot wide'
The officer, still perplexed, says 'what can you do with a six foot arsehole?
To which the man replies 'Stand him by the side of the road with a radar gun.'
because they always take things literally.
...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.
A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
because they always take things literally.
I told them I could explain everything
A little girl came home from school quite confused after her first sex-ed class, and asked her mother to explain.
"Well," said her mother, quite embarrassed, "There are birds and there are bees..."
"That's what I don't understand! Don't birds eat bees?"
Her father piped up from the next room, "That's lesson two!"
from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth
out?"
As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.
She's also stupid.
It means a lot.
My wife was trying to explain to me that I didn't know what irony meant, which was ironic because I had just taken a shower.
and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
My dad told me there was a joke inside of the mirror but all I ever see is that one kid he always hates and gets mad at.
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
man goes to his doctor and begins to explain
"Doctor, I have a problem. My wife is a nymphomaniac and we have to have sex at least twice before she'll let me go to work. My secretary is also a nympho, and we usually have sex late morning and mid afternoon in the stationery cupboard. Sometimes my wife rings and I have to go home at lunchtime to satisfy her, otherwise she says she'll have sex with the mailman! When I get home, I have to satisfy my wife immediately, and then again at bed time before I am allowed to go to sleep."
the doctor asks "so what's the problem?"
"it hurts when I masturbate!"
That means a lot.
When a snake jumps up and bites one of the men on the penis.
Thinking quickly, the other man calls the doctor to explain the situation.
The doctor tells the man "Well the first thing you need to do is suck the venom out, or your friend will surely die."
The man thanks the doctor, hangs up, and looks to his friend.
"What'd the doctor say?" the bitten man asks, breathing heavily.
Looking his helpless friend in the eyes he replied "They said you're gonna die."
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!! he asked.
"OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said.
On the second attempt, the very same thing happened.
He immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.
Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.
One night the wife turns on the light and says to her husband, "Explain the dildo". To which he replies, "explain the 3 kids".
Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.
Because they take everything literally.
A lady walks into a grocery store looking for tomatoes and can't seem to find any, so she goes to ask a store clerk.
Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?
Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out
Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?
Clerk: I am sure we don't have any, but I will go look.
The clerk goes to the back and comes back.
Clerk: Sorry, there aren't any in the back
Lady: But you don't understand, I NEED these
Clerk: Lady, you're just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the "blue" out of blueberries?
Lady: Berries
Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the "Straw" out of strawberries?
Lady: Berries
Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the "fuck" out of tomatoes?
The lady pauses for a moment...
Lady: There's no fuck in tomatoes!
Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!
I couldn't get the message across.
Two economists are sitting on a bench. One says to the other "do you understand the economy?"
The other economist says "Let me explain, I'm an economist. It starts--"
The other interrupts "Oh no, I understand. I'm an economist too. We can both explain the economy, do you *understand* it?"
Robert's son is a great painter.
He painted a $100 note on the floor of the classroom.
His teacher broke her nails trying to pick it up.
She called his father on the phone to complain about the kid and explain what happened.
The father from his hospital bed responds..."You got lucky Madam. At home that idiot drew a vagina on the power outlet.
When he is stopped by a police officer for a surprise car search. The officer finds that the man has an assortment of blades and sharp weapons. He questions the man about them.
Officer: can you explain the weapons in your car?
Man: weapons? I think you mean my props. I'm a juggler you see.
Officer: oh well is that so? Prove it.
The man proceeds to juggle two blades, then three, then four. Just then, a car drives past. The man in the car turns to his wife and says:
Thank God I gave up drinking! Just look at how they're testing people now!
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?"
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
She says, "Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!!"
The husband says, "OK, I'll explain, but first you have to explain the kids."
Because they take things literally.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Explain? Well, here are the best jokes about Explain to have fun with.