You see, it used to get cold outside
A missionary lives with a tribe in the jungle, when one day the Chief of the tribe approaches him:
"You are the only white man around here, and now my daughter gave birth to a white child! Explain yourself, or prepare to die!"
The missionary hesitates for a moment, then replies:
"The nature is full of wonders. Look at those sheep over there. They are all white, except for one single lamb which is black."
The Chief: "... If you keep quiet, then I will too.
Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.
Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.
Me: Yay, I got a yob!
Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.
Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: or a female partner.
Me: Yep
Dad: And that means you're bi.
Me: Yep
Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: Did you just...
It means a lot.
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
You understand it better, but it dies in the process.
See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how you basically kill a frog when dissecting it to better understand the functioning of its inner body parts, since there is now little left in the joke to laugh at.
*
I don't think I am. the horse replies.
*poof*
The horse disappears.
This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they're familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito Ergo Sum , or I think, therefore I am .
But to explain that joke beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?
Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.
Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?
Daughter: Yeah sure!
Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.
The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefor I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.
"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied.
That would explain the doughnuts...
"What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?
Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.
Me: Yay, I got a yob.
When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
Because they always take things literally.
- Let me explain.. If you had 2 yachts and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course.
- Well, that's communism. Another example, if you had 2 homes and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- Of course I would.
- See, its easy. If you had 2 coats for example and your friend had none, wouldn't you give him one?
- No!
- No? Why not?
- Because I *do* have 2 coats
I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek
and not
and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said ", are they moving?"
I replied "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase."
- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing cocaine and coming back home to have unprotected sex with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?
A teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"
"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?"
he didn't explain why he gave it a one star tho
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
He was handcuffed.
Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?
Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.
Billy proudly stands up and announces, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher is aghast and promptly changes the subject. Later that day, she calls Billy's mother and explains what Billy said.
Billy's mother says, "Actually, his father's an attorney, but how can we explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
"You see, son, we color Easter eggs to remind us that Jesus dyed for our sins."
"Are they moving?" asked the operator
"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"
Had to explain to her that we use names here. It was a pain.
Just two. One to explain to the public that everything possible is being done to solve the problem, and the other to screw the lightbulb into the water faucet.
\-Darling, I'm sorry, but I went to your office and found 5 eggs and 5.000 euros , what's the deal with it?
\-Well, how can I explain it... Since the beginning of our marriage, I would store one egg for each time you annoyed me.
\-Oh, that's so sweet! And what the 5.000 euros are for?
\-I usually wait when I have a dozen of eggs before selling then.
I tried to explain it to them but they didn't seem comforted when I cleared up the fact that my German Shepherd is actually 21 in dog years.
J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential
D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.
J: How about confidential?
D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential
... She asked the manager, "What's magic about them?"
The man replied, "Well, if you wear it, you won't get pregnant!"
The woman bought the underwear but came back a few weeks later.
"You said that I won't get pregnant! It doesn't even work!" The woman lashed out at the manager.
The manager said to her, "Of course it does, miss."
"Then explain to me why I'm pregnant."
The manager simply replied, "Did you take it off?"
Generally everyone gets it in the end but it's not really funny
So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.
...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.
A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"
I told them I could explain everything
A little girl came home from school quite confused after her first sex-ed class, and asked her mother to explain.
"Well," said her mother, quite embarrassed, "There are birds and there are bees..."
"That's what I don't understand! Don't birds eat bees?"
Her father piped up from the next room, "That's lesson two!"
If god doesn't exist, explain how my girlfriend is pregnant when we've never had sex. Checkmate atheists.
As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.
She's also stupid.
My wife was trying to explain to me that I didn't know what irony meant, which was ironic because I had just taken a shower.
and tells the bartender that he has a blonde joke. The bartender says, "I'd be careful saying a blonde joke here. On your left is a blonde lady that does mixed martial arts, and on your right is a blonde female cop. Not to mention, there are 3 blonde lady bartenders including myself. Are you sure you still want to tell it?" The biker then replies, "Well, not anymore if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
My dad told me there was a joke inside of the mirror but all I ever see is that one kid he always hates and gets mad at.
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a handjob from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
That means a lot.
Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you?" asked Trump
"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.
"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
"but Officer," said the driver, "I can explain-"
Save your excuses," said the cop. "You can cool your heels in jail till the chief gets back."
"But Officer..."
"Quiet!" snapped the cop. "You're going to jail the chief will deal with you when he gets back."
A few hours later the officer looks in at the prisoner. "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. It means he'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the prisoner. "I'm the groom."
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."
Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.
"Doc, I got a big problem."
"I understand you were recently remarried, is that right?"
"Yes. My new wife is 23 years old, and that's exactly the problem. She just told me she's pregnant! I haven't been a father in sixty years, and I don't know what to do."
"Hmm. Let me tell you a story that I think will help explain what's going on here: A near sighted man decides to go bear hunting. On his way out the door, he accidentally picks up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Once he gets to the woods, he is instantly attacked by a ferocious 1,200 pound bear. He picks up his umbrella and shoots it dead. Does that story make sense to you?"
"No! Somebody else must have shot that bear."
"My point exactly."
Today, a black guy was holding hands with his white girlfriend in the airport and got upset because he caught me looking at him suspiciously. I wish I could explain to him that I was only trying to figure out if he was in the NBA or not.
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Mom and dad are having sex when little Johnny walks in. Quickly, dad tells him to leave. When mom and dad come out of the room, they explain to Johnny that sometimes daddy's get a big tummy and mommy's have to jump on it so it will deflate. Then Johnny replies, "But why does mommy have to deflate it when Ms. Jane next door just comes over every day to blow it back up?"
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