Experienced Jokes
78 experienced jokes and hilarious experienced puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about experienced that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Experienced Short Jokes
Short experienced jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The experienced humour may include short experiencing jokes also.
- This is a bit wordy… I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles, and now I'm experiencing some unexpected vowel movements. The next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
- I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021 I've experienced the 7 day trial and I'm not interested
- A Redditor asks another Redditor what the best way to get karma is... The experienced Redditor says: "It's a piece of cake."
- Why does Tom Holland never drive? Because Andrew and Tobey are more experienced parallel Parkers
- Last night I had a dream where I experienced a completely new color. It was a pigment of my imagination
- I went to get tested for Covid yesterday The staff asked me, if I had experienced a sudden lack of taste.
I replied, "no, I dress like this for a while now" - I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles Now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell DISASTER.
- Big GTA 5 bug A cop killed my white character in GTA 5. Anyone else experiencing this bug?
- On my way home, an acorn fell on my car and cracked my windshield. It was the least satisfying nut busting I've ever experienced.
- there's really only one reason India is just now experiencing Covid-19 they run on Internet explorer.
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Experienced One Liners
Which experienced one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with experienced? I can suggest the ones about skilled and life experience.
- Happiness is like peeing in your pants.... I haven't experienced it since I was eight.
- You hear about the spider who needed a job? He was experienced in web development.
- I've never experienced post-nut clarity. Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.
- What do you call the underwear of someone experiencing nocturnal emissions? Dreamcatchers
- Teeth are like college. After experiencing with drugs, a few might drop out.
- Why are experienced doctors more calm? They have more patients.
- I experienced a virtual rollercoaster while eating an apple. Shook me to the core.
- I'm an experienced and seasoned driver You should see my car's battle scars.
- Why was the spider community so peaceful? They experienced neutrality across the web.
- The first time I experienced a cyclone in Australia I was totally blown away
- I'm not a pessimist I'm just an experienced optimist
- I experienced my first earthquake late last night and I was literally so shook.
- Why did the unvaccinated 4 year old cry? He was experiencing a mid life crisis
- What's experienced when someone remembers the singer of Africa? Toto recall
- I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.
Quirky and Hilarious Experienced Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about experienced you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean accomplished jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make experienced pranks.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
I want to write in my résumé how experienced I am in burning bridges...
...but I don't have anybody to use as a reference.
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub
Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!
Travelling Tip
Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.
I leave the number of the room next to me.
It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,
"Why are you calling me?"
Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
Penguin experiencing car trouble
Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back.
To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop.
"Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."
7 shots
So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 v**... shots
The bartender asks the man what's the special occasion the man says
" I just experienced my first b**..." .
And the bartender says "congrats how about a 8th shot on the house" and the man goes
" if 7 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will
Heaven Between Legs
A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"
A man goes to his rabbi.
He says to the rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to poison me but I have no idea why". The rabbi, concerned about the distress the Jew was experiencing says "Don't worry, I will talk to your wife." A few days pass and the man returns to his rabbi still fearing for his life. The rabbi sits him down and says to him "My child, I spent several hours speaking to your wife, follow my advice, take the poison."
After experiencing weeks of pain, a man finally decides to go to the hospital...
The doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?"
The man replies, "It hurts here (touches his thigh), it hurts here (touches his wrist), it hurts here (touches his hip). It hurts everywhere!"
After a few seconds of examining the patient, the doctor realizes whats wrong with the man.
The doctor grabs his hand and says, "Sir, you have a broken finger."
The best jokes also teach you something.
In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.
Two h**... got married.
On their wedding night, the h**... groom admitted that he was a v**... and didn't really know what to do.
The h**... bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.
An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border
At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."
A man walks into his doctor's surgery and says "Doc, I'm experiencing some discomfort downstairs"
The Doctor takes a look and says "well I think I see the problem - you've got a steering wheel in your pants".
The man says "Thanks doc! It was driving me nuts!"
A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
The funny thing about strippers and fires...
The people that are going to show up are the other most experienced people on a pole.
Some say the quickest way to mans heart is food. As an experienced heart surgeon, I disagree...
It's s**....
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
Why is it easy to defeat an army of s**... b**...?
There are no experienced ones
The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but...
the new guy s**... everything up
quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding
It's a good thing frogs can swim
My parents and I came to the US from Germany when I was a little girl.
They didn't speak much English, but were experienced educators back home. One winter, they decided to open a tutoring/ study session program to help students stay productive and focus over the break. It wasn't until after a flood of angry phone calls and visitors that we realized that "Concentration Camp" was not an ideal program name.
What do you call an Indian man who has travelled all over, and experienced many things?
Binder Dundat
Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season!
If you want to drive safely we can help.
Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages
Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely
Yesterday I saw some kid getting g**... up behind the school by 4 other kids.
As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
2 morticians are standing by the coffee machine
"Man, you wont believe what I experienced today. I had a woman with a c**... like a pickle" says one of them.
"What?!" says the other one "That big?!"
"No," says the man "That sour"
After experiencing Lethargy for almost 2 months now.........
I think I'm ready to audition for "American Idle "
Glue-sniffing drug addicts
A group of experienced glue-sniffers was teaching a newcomer to sniff glue.
But instead of sniffing the glue, the glue sniffer poured it into his mouth, and had to go to the hospital emergency room.
"Hey," reminded one of the glue-sniffers. "Don't expose our glue-sniffing group."
"Don't worry," replied another. "His lips are sealed."
Two scientists are playing Minecraft.
Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn't know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn't know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.
Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?
Scientist 2: Br.
The operator got annoyed at me for whispering..
but I don't get it, they said themselves they're 'experiencing unsually high call volume'
a young man walks into a bar
A young man walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of his cheapest whiskey.
As the bar tender is lining up the shot glasses and is pouring "what's the occasion"?
The young man replied "I just experienced my first b**...".
"So you celebrating"? asked the bar tender.
No... just trying to kill the taste.
Thank you for calling the 2020AD customer support line
All of our natural disasters, plagues, and political upheavals are currently busy. If you are not experiencing a natural disaster, plague, or political upheaval, one will be assigned to you shortly. Please stay on the line, and thank you for choosing 2020.
A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...
The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.
You've asked for more Russian jokes...
The sewer system is broken and is full of s**.... Maintenance crew arrived. The old experienced guy jumps into the sewer and asks the young apprentice to pass him a tool, then another one. Finally, after it's fixed, he gets out of the sewer, covered in s**... from head to feet and says:
"Learn from the master, otherwise the only thing you will ever do is pass the tools!"
What's the difference between young and experienced specialists?
Young specialist doesn't know how to work, and the experienced knows how not to work.
I have a theory as to why the Cybertruck is taking so long to get in production:
They are experiencing an Elon-gated Delay!
Man walks into Starbucks
Not too experienced with the ordering process, he says " I"ll just have a mild roast".
The barrista says "you have very average ears"
A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.
He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half an hour later plumbers come, look at the situation and the more experienced looking one says "We'll get the lady out - no problem. As for the Mexican - I'm sorry, but we think he's beyond saving..."
If you're experiencing déjà vu, yet it's your first time here
It was probably in your sub-conscious
On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.
At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.
5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.
After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's that day. So, I hopped on the number 5 bus again and went to the race tracks.
I paid $55 for my seat at the race tracks, which was seat 5, row E, section 5 of the stadium.
I bet $500 on the number five horse in race 5 (which happened at 5:00 PM). And you know what happened?
>!He came in 5th.!<
I experienced my first mugging last night...
I got a little banged up, but at least I now have some beer money!
At the barbershop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
\- "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
\- "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech
\- "And what if I s**... it?"
\- "No problem" says the barber.
\- "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"
Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his t**....
The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can't find a better man.
Pill commercials nowadays be like
After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!
Consult a doctor if you're experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine
After Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, he experienced chest pains.
He was quickly rushed to Mount Sinai Heating & Plumbing.
