Experience Jokes

Experience jokes are humorous tales based on real-life experiences. Whether you have encountered customer experience, work experience, user experience, or life experience firsthand, everyone can appreciate a good joke. Find hilarity in stories of physical and mental expertise gone awry. Laugh at the triumphs and follies of experienced people with these great jokes.

Humorous Experience Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

Philosophy Major: True story

With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.

Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it. He looks at one student and asks, What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy.

The student says, They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.

Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.

The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.

The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.

jokes about experience

A wife told her man to leave....

after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.

"I want you to go!" she screamed.

He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"

"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

What happened when the car took LSD?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.

The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"

"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

"One."

"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$79,237.64."

His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Experience joke, A Texas Salesman

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.



I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

Proctologist

A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an erection."

The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an erection."

The doctor says, "I wasn't talking about *you*."

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.

That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

You can explore experience firsthand reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean experience sensation dad jokes. There are also experience puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

Do you guys want to hear about my Friday night?

I had quite an experience at home by myself. At one point I even picked my coat up from the floor. It was off the hook.

what will i do when i have an out-of-body experience?

i'll see myself out....

Three old ladies sat at a park bench when a man in an overcoat appeared in front of them, opened his overcoat, and flashed his naked body.

The first old lady was overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The second old lady was also overcome by the experience and had a stroke. The third old lady didn't have a stroke at all -- her arms were too short.

Experience joke, Three old ladies sat at a park bench when a man in an overcoat appeared in front of them, opened his

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."

Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a deepthroat professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"

The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.

The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."

"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"

"The peeling."

the Bible says

"If a man is to lay with another man he should be stoned." in my experience it helps

I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France.

It was a painful experience.

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first experience ennui?

What is your ex-wife's newest last name?

What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?

What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?

What was the middle name of your first rebound?

On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?

When did you stop trying?

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.

"What do you have in this sack?"

"Sand."

"Well let me check."

The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.

The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.

"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"

And the man replied.

"Bicycles."

What Do You Call It When Someone Has a Bad Experience With Weed?

Blunt trauma.

EA Games and Ubisoft walk into a bar...

Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!

I almost lost my hearing in an accident...

It was a near-deaf experience.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

Experience joke, Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring Hitler as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange...

I got to experience a scary bizarro world were sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.

I went to see an escort last night...

She advertised "a real girlfriend experience."

When I got there, she opened the door and said, "You're late. I bet you've been drinking at bar again."

We didn't speak for the rest of the night and I ended up sleeping on the sofa.

I just married again after a divorce...

It was a wife changing experience.

Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.

Black people have centuries of experience serving.

And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

Some hookers get paid to go out on dates before sex, and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others torture and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're tied up.

That's called the "wife experience."

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

I continued, "Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

What's the difference between Donald Trump and my passport?

The passport has more foreign policy experience.

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it?

Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

I've just had a once in a lifetime experience.

I won't be doing that again.

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.

It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

A man tries for a job as a blacksmith

"Do you have any experience in horseshoeing?"

"No, but I once told a donkey to f**k off."

A careless hunter accidentally shot my atheist friend in the side with a shotgun.

The near-death experience made him a holier man.

Barbies create unrealistic expectations of women

No woman's head reattaches THAT easily in my experience

5 out of 5 people enjoy Russian Roulette.

There was supposed to be a sixth, but he never got back to me about his experience.

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, So, what experience do you have? The lumberjack replies, Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?

The lumberjack says, Yeah, that's what they call it now.

How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church?

Nun.

I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security.

Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, Security!

My first sexual experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

I have just applied for a job as a litter collector.

They asked if I had any relevant experience but I said I will just pick it up as I go along.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you?

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have sex for my birthday.

It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.

As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.

I've traveled the world and met people from many countries.

From my experience, American kids are some of the nicest, but German children are kinder

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

In a sex-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first sexual experience?"

Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

It was great! He says. Americans are so considerate! Before the game began they asked me: Jose, can you see?

I saw a cow spontaneously catch on fire the other day

Guess you could call it a rare experience

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

Ah yes, I forgot it!

Sometimes I experience both amnesia and dejΓ  vu at the same time, and I'm like:"Yep, I've forgotten this before ".

I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....

I am never flying economy again.

Last night, I, an American, was arguing with a European over whether Europe or the United States was better.

The European boasted, "We hardly even have racism here in Europe!" I asked them, "What about Romani people? Does the racism they experience not count?"

They replied, "Of course not! Romanis aren't people!"

In an interview the boss asked me Do you have any experience? .

I told him yes, this is my 20th interview .

Archeologists say that in very rare cases, you can experience a mummy farting in their crypt.

If you get the chance to experience this phenomena, you can call that toot uncommon.

First Time

**My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairy tale.**

**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**

Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition?

He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out

Paddy and Mick are heading down to the pub...

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED

> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary

Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"

Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"

Prince Andrew is going to inherit The Queen's Corgis.

Makes sense with his experience in grooming.

I've never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

Laugh and the world laughs with you,

snore and you sleep alone. [from personal experience.]

What do job hunting and incels have in common?

They both expect years of experience from a first timer.

What requires no experience, gives no training, pays nothing, you can't quit and people's lives are on the line?

_*Motherhood.*_

Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your home bread making experience?

You only pay for what you knead.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran.

First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the experience work experience puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working experience customer experience piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes