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Experience Jokes

164 experience jokes and hilarious experience puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about experience that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Experience jokes are humorous tales based on real-life experiences. Whether you have encountered customer experience, work experience, user experience, or life experience firsthand, everyone can appreciate a good joke. Find hilarity in stories of physical and mental expertise gone awry. Laugh at the triumphs and follies of experienced people with these great jokes.

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Funniest Experience Short Jokes

Short experience jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The experience humour may include short experiencing jokes also.

  1. I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons. I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
  2. Why did elon musk abandon his Twitter acquisition? He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out
  3. My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom This morning we synthesised a new protein chain
  4. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran. First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience
  5. So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots. As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
  6. I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
  7. When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.
  8. Ah yes, I forgot it! Sometimes I experience both amnesia and dejà vu at the same time, and I'm like:"Yep, I've forgotten this before ".
  9. In an interview the boss asked me Do you have any experience? . I told him yes, this is my 20th interview .
  10. Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it? Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

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Experience One Liners

Which experience one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with experience? I can suggest the ones about knowledge and experiment.

  1. My cloning experiment is finally a success. I'm so excited; I'm beside myself!
  2. If you smoke seaweed on the beach... ...do you experience high tide?
  3. I just married again after a divorce... It was a wife changing experience.
  4. I once went to an all you can eat bakery in France. It was a painful experience.
  5. I almost lost my hearing in an accident... It was a near-deaf experience.
  6. What do you call it when a scientist tries to get laid? A thot experiment.
  7. I blew up my chemistry experiment Oxidants happen.
  8. My cloning experiments finally paid off. I'm so excited, I'm beside myself.
  9. what will i do when i have an out-of-body experience? i'll see myself out....
  10. I've just had a once in a lifetime experience. I won't be doing that again.
  11. How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church? Nun.
  12. Trump is releasing a new book on his COVID-19 experience. Mein Cough
  13. A dog runs for senator... He has no previous experience in pawlitics
  14. What do you call your first masturbatuon? A firsthand experience
  15. The legend once said that... Death had a near-Chuck Norris experience

Work Experience Jokes

Here is a list of funny work experience jokes and even better work experience puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.
  • My wife's skydiving experience ended horrifically. The parachute worked.
  • there's no better experience than cracking open a cold one at the end of the work day i love working at the morgue.
  • I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?" I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."
  • I just don't understand why these 16 year old guys can't show up for work on time... Based on my other experiences with them I assumed they'd always come early.
  • Why do you ask for such a high salary if you don't have any experience? -Well, it's a lot harder to work if you have no idea what you are doing
  • Did your hear 007 opened a handyman business after retiring from spy work? It was a logical career change, he was already licensed and bonded, and had some experience taking care of oddjobs.
  • One of the top questions I've been asked is what's the best way to spend your money when you're homeless And from experience, I can say a mask and knife will work wonders for you.
  • Is it easy to get a job at a restaurant? I don't have a lot of work experience, so ideally I'd be looking for an entree-level position.
  • I used to work as an optometrist It was a real eye-opening experience

Life Experience Jokes

Here is a list of funny life experience jokes and even better life experience puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I learned from experience that the thing girls want most from life is security. Anytime I approach one of them, they usually yell, Security!
  • They say geese mate for life But in my experience they fly away as soon as you let go of them.
  • Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life? By the way, Did you know that 1 in every 3 people experience Alzheimer's at some point in their life?
  • Why are men always happy when their wife are in labor? It's the most painful experience of her life and she can't make him do it.
  • [Long] I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life. Sleeping in a bed which was only 30m.
  • Life Hack | words coming from experience Never fight with a white guy who has a black guy's nickname.
  • What did Gordon Freeman experience when he turned 40? A Half Life crisis.
  • Life Advice Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
  • Of all the experiences in my life, I think I can honestly say that getting struck in the hippocampus was the most forgettable.
  • Some people think that their life experience compensates for their lack of brain.
Experience joke

Customer Experience Jokes

Here is a list of funny customer experience jokes and even better customer experience puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you know Liberty Mutual customizes your home bread making experience? You only pay for what you knead.
  • Q: How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: 10, 1 to change the bulb and 9 to share the experience.
  • I do custom cabinetry and wood finishing... ...it's a very hole-filling experience.
  • I was fired from my last job for having s**... in a fitting room. Marked it down on my application as "experience with customer relations."

User Experience Jokes

Here is a list of funny user experience jokes and even better user experience puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why is Eric Clapton a Mac user? He had a bad experience with windows.
  • little red riding hood and the s**... Master. As a victim to be, I need to get closer to the Big Bad Wolf disguised as my grandmother so that he has a better user experience when he eats me.
Experience joke, <a href="/little-red-riding-hood-jokes.html" title="Little Red Riding Hood jokes">little red riding

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about experience can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of experience puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Humorous Experience Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

What funny jokes about experience you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean exam jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make experience prank.

Some y**... had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.
We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

I just had a near s**... experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.

It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

Archeologists say that in very rare cases, you can experience a mummy f**... in their crypt.

If you get the chance to experience this phenomena, you can call that toot uncommon.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021

I've experienced the 7 day trial and I'm not interested

Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn't know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn't know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.
Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?
Scientist 2: Br.

A man tries for a job as a blacksmith

"Do you have any experience in horseshoeing?"
"No, but I once told a donkey to f**k off."

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

*One to hold the bulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them, three to scream at the circuit breaker and belittle it for controlling power, and eight others to console the first four while they tweet about how problematic this traumatic experience has been for everyone.*

Some h**... get paid to go out on dates before s**..., and call it the "girlfriend experience."

Others t**... and humiliate you, then steal your wallet and car while you're t**....
That's called the "wife experience."

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....
I am never flying economy again.

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, So, what experience do you have? The lumberjack replies, Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?
The lumberjack says, Yeah, that's what they call it now.

Two elderly men

Got wasted drunk one evening and decided to go to a brothel.
The madam seeing how out of it both of them were decided to give them blow up dolls instead of real women.
The next day the two old men met up again and started sharing their experiences of the previous night.
The first one went.
"I think mine was dead. I moved her, shook her. No reaction whatsoever".
The other guy said.
"This is nothing. I'm convinced mine was a witch. In the heat of the moment as we were going at it I bit her a**.... She let out a massive f**.... Then flew out the window taking my dentures with her."

Barbies create unrealistic expectations of women

No woman's head reattaches THAT easily in my experience

What happened when the car took l**...?

It went on a road trip and had an auto body experience!

Prince Andrew is going to inherit The Queen's Corgis.

Makes sense with his experience in grooming.

Yesterday I saw some kid getting g**... up behind the school by 4 other kids.

As a senior, I have experienced bullying myself so I immediately jump in.
That kid got no chance against 4 of us.

A manager examined a job application, then turned to the applicant and said, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

*"Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you are doing."*

When I got depressed, I joined the Army.


I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

A guy's wife is stuck in a toilet.

He tries getting her out - nothing, she's still stuck, unable to get out. So guy calls the plumbing company to come to rescue. They say that they'll be there in half an hour. While waiting, the guy covers his wife's private parts with a sombrero, so she doesn't get embarrassed any further.
Half an hour later plumbers come, look at the situation and the more experienced looking one says "We'll get the lady out - no problem. As for the Mexican - I'm sorry, but we think he's beyond saving..."

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*

I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."

I continued, "Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."

7 shots

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 7 v**... shots
The bartender asks the man what's the special occasion the man says
" I just experienced my first b**..." .
And the bartender says "congrats how about a 8th shot on the house" and the man goes
" if 7 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth I don't know what will

First Time

**My new girlfriend says that our first s**... experience should feel like a fairy tale.**
**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**

p**... and m**... are heading down to the pub...

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED
> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary
p**... turns to m**... and says "What do you reckon?"
m**... replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters...

It's no surprise that the Williams sisters always win at tennis.
Black people have centuries of experience serving.
And appearing at the courts, for that matter.

A wife told her man to leave....

after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman.
"I want you to go!" she screamed.
He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?"
"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.
He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

Happiness is like peeing in your pants....

I haven't experienced it since I was eight.

Dating when your 30 is like finding a seat at a theater one minute before the show.

The perfect seats are already taken by someone who arrived much earlier than you and of the seats available, the ones in the back are an unfulfilling experience, the ones in the front overwhelm you with discomfort, and the ones that are decent substitutes are either broken or next to kids.

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.
Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"
Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".
Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop s**... all night".
"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.
Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

A Redditor asks another Redditor what the best way to get karma is...

The experienced Redditor says: "It's a piece of cake."

I have decided that I will not vaccinate my children.

I think it should be done by a doctor with experience.

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

What do you call an inexperienced Egyptian God?

Anoobis

Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."

In a s**...-ed class, the teacher asked me,"What was missing in your first s**... experience?"

Apparently, my answer "Consent" was wrong.

Football with a blonde girlfriend

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

A Texas Salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Four nuns about to take their vows..

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

The bride asks her husband

The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.
Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.
The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.
The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.

Jose and the Game.

Jose snuck across the border to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:
"What happened?" asked his family.
"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"

My first s**... experience was a lot like my first foot ball game.

There was a lot of sweat and blood but at least my dad came.

5 out of 5 people enjoy Russian Roulette.

There was supposed to be a sixth, but he never got back to me about his experience.

Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support their ministry and their way of life. Unfortunately a sheep from a nearby farm wandered into the monastery and quickly consumed all of their prize flowers.
It turns out only a ewe can prevent florist friars.

Why a fourth time?

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a f**... director.' After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a f**... director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

A man walks into a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I s**... it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.

An experienced customs officer is having a shift on the border

At some point he sees a man pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat. He stops him at the border.
"What do you have in this sack?"
"Sand."
"Well let me check."
The officer opens up the bag and indeed it's full of sand. He searches it throughly, but there's nothing else, so he lets the man go.
The next day the same man shows up, again pushing a bicycle with a huge sack thrown over the seat, and again there was nothing but sand in it.
After a few days of this playing out, the customs officer holds up the man a little longer.
"Listen pal, I've been in this job for 10 years now, I can recognize a smuggler from a mile away. I have no definite proof, but I know you have been taking something past this border and it's driving me crazy. Let's make a deal - you tell me what you are smuggling and I won't stop you any more. So what is it?"
And the man replied.
"Bicycles."

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

What's the difference between Donald Trump and my passport?

The passport has more foreign policy experience.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.
Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.
The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.

Election Day was the perfect day to go see Doctor Strange...

I got to experience a scary bizarro world were sanity was cast aside and the laws of nature were twisted to the breaking point, and I also went to a movie.

EA Games and Ubisoft walk into a bar...

Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, You don't have much experience removing bras, do you?

Me: What gave me away?
Her: The scissors, mostly.

A farmer posted on his local subreddit that he was looking to hire help to fix his fence...

The farmer's wife asked him, Why would you look to hire someone from the internet? Surely they will not be up to the physical demands of lifting and setting these heavy fence posts!
The Farmer replied We need a professional, and I heard that there is no one more experienced than a Redditor at re-posting.

Three old ladies sat at a park bench when a man in an overcoat appeared in front of them, opened his overcoat, and flashed his n**... body.

The first old lady was overcome by the experience and had a s**.... The second old lady was also overcome by the experience and had a s**.... The third old lady didn't have a s**... at all -- her arms were too short.

Playing 8-person smash was one of the deepest and most thought provoking experiences I've ever had...

I spent the whole time trying to find myself

Travelling Tip

Here's a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it's loud and you can't turn it down.
I leave the number of the room next to me.
It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell,
"Why are you calling me?"
Then you get up and take a shower. It's great.

Voting for Hillary because of her political experience is like...

Hiring h**... as a birthday magician because he made 6,000,000 people disappear.

Proctologist

A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an e**...."
The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an e**...."
The doctor says, "I wasn't talking about *you*."

Experience joke, Proctologist

jokes about experience

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these experience jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.