expensive Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious expensive stories

What are the best Expensive puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Expensive? Well here is a complete list of Expensive to have fun with:

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."


The boss!

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''


A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"


I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".


A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...they are all currently at her funeral!"



A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.

After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"

"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"

"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."


A tourist in Spain...

A wealthy American tourist traveling in Spain goes to a fancy restaurant and requests the most expensive item on the menu. They bring him two large round balls of a very unusual looking meat. He is pleased by the size of the portions, but is wondering what kind of meat it is and asks the waiter. The waiter explains that after a bullfight, the meat is given to various charities, but the testicles of the bull are an incredible delicacy and sold to the finest restaurants. At first he is disgusted, but very curious and not wanting to be rude he takes a bite and is amazed; they're delicious!

A few days later, he decides that it was so good that he returns to the restaurant and orders the same item. "Excellent choice sir!" The waiter exclaims. But when he brings the dish to the man, the portions this time are tiny. "Wait, what?" He asks, clearly upset, "What's this?"

"Well, as you can see," The waiter responds, a little embarrassed, "The bullfighter does not always win."


A (Smart) Blonde Offers Collateral For A Loan...

A blonde woman walks into a Manhattan bank and says she'd like to take out a $5,000 loan since she will be vacationing to Europe. When the banker asks what she will be using as collateral, she points to her brand new Bentley. The banker is surprised, but agrees. She leaves, and he laughs; who uses such an expensive car as collateral for such a small loan? But he shrugs it off and parks the car in the banks garage. Three weeks later, the woman returns to the bank. He retrieves her car and she pays back the $5,000 plus $14.00 in interest. As she goes to leave, the man decides he has to ask. "Ma'am," he says, "why in the world would you use a $100,000 as collateral for a $5,000 loan?" She smiles and replies "where else can I park for three weeks in Manhattan for $14?"


A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.

He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".

The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".

The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"


Of Blowjobs and Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."


I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.


"Father, may I ask a favor?"

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.

"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her.

The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.

The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"


The Boss.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, How much is the yellow one?

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.

What about the green one? the man asks. He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.

What about the red one? the man asks. The assistant says, That one's $10,000.

Curious, the man asks, What does he do? The assistant says, I don't know, but the other two call him boss.


What do you call an expensive circumcision?

A bloody rip-off


So a guy walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"


Gotta Pee...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!


How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it's expensive and the bulb has to want to change.


Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.


If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!


Poor man

Three men sat outside of a coffe shop in a spanish town, two of them are rich and the third is poor. As they sat there drinking their coffes a very attractive lady walks up to them and asks what they would give to sleep with her. The first rich man says "I would buy you a yacht, a sports car and a case of the most expensive wine just to see you nude". The second rich man says "I would buy you a home in whatever part of the world you want, treat you to the best food, and three million dollars just to see you topless". The poor man then excalims "Forget her! I'll take it in the ass".


A politician needs to hire a engineering company to build a bridge in his city. He's got offers from companies from three different companies:

A Chinese, an American and a Brazilian company.

The representative from the Chinese company says: "I'll do it for $3 million dollars. One million for the workforce, one for supplies and one for my profit. It's cheapest price you will ever find".

The representative from the American company says: "I'll do it for $6 million dollars. Two million for the workforce, two for supplies and two for my profit".

The Brazilian guy says: "I'll do it for $9 millon dollars".

The politician, very surprised, says: "What? Why is it so expensive?"

And the Brazilian answers: "3 million for me, 3 for you and 3 to have the Chinese guy build the bridge".


Life is like a box of chocolates...

It's expensive, you don't like half of it, and sometimes you can give the whole thing to a woman and she still wont have sex with you.


I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)


"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..

And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."


An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."

"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."

"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.

"Whose skull is that?"

"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"


Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


Dean, to the physics department:

"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."


Eli's Dirty Joke

Cowboy Earl and Betty are senior citizens. Well Earl has always wanted and expensive pair of Alligator Boots

Seeing them on Sale one day he buys a pair and wears them home
"Hey Betty y'all notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? Its' the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants"
"whats different?" frustrated Earl goes into the bathroom undresses, and comes out completely naked wearing only his new boots
"hey Betty y'all notice anything different now?"
"whats different Earl? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow!"
Angrily Earl yells "y'all know why it's hanging down? Cos its looking at my new rootin tootin boots!"
Betty replies "Well then you should've bought a damn hat!"


An old drunk was at the bar when...

He saw this beautiful woman drinking alone at the corner of the bar alone. So he waved the bartender over and ask the bartender to send a bottle of the most expensive champagne to the woman.

The bartender, "nah, I wouldn't bother with that. She's a lesbian." But the old drunk insisted.

A short while later, the old drunk sauntered over to the woman, "So...which part of Lesbia are you from?"


Dried grapes are getting really expensive...

I heard they're raisin the price


I lost 80 pounds a while back...

British prostitutes are expensive.


Taking the kids out

A husband and wife were discussing what to do with their two kids on the weekend. "They want to go to the zoo and the amusement park" said the wife.

"That's too expensive" said the husband. "It'll have to be one or the other."

"Well, which do you think?"

"Probably Mikey."


A World Cup joke.

A man takes his seat at the FIFA World Cup final.

He looks to his left and notices that there is an empty seat between himself and the next guy.

Man:"Who would ever miss the World cup final?"

Guy:"That was my wife's seat. We've been to the last five World Cup finals together. But sadly she passed away."

Man:"I'm so sorry..and it's very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat. But these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

Guy:"No... they're all at her funeral."


-Expensive- Jewelery

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.


Checks and pants

A middle aged man and a hot young girl step into a jewelery store. The man asks the jeweler to show the girl his finest rings. The jeweler obliged does so and after some consideration the girl picks one of the most expensive ones. At the point the man proceeds to write off a check for the ring; the jeweler interjects "I'm sorry Sir! We do not take checks". The man then tells the jeweler, "I understand your concern. I'll tell you what, cash the check in and my sweet Maria will pass and pick up the ring tomorrow". The jeweler sees no problems with that and Maria seems to be exhilarated at the thought of getting such a ring. They both leave the jewelery store in a rather passionate way.

The next morning the jeweler calls the man: "Sir! There seems to be a problem with your check! Apparently the account lack the funds to cash it in". The man at that point replies, "Forget the ring. I already got into her pants!"


One week, a Chinese guy exchanged some currency....

and came back next week to do it again, only to find that the rate had increased.

He asked the nearby white clerk, "Hey! You! Why it more expensive now?"

The clerk replied, "Oh. Fluctuations."

And the Chinese man said, "Well, fuck you white guy!"

(Disclaimer: I'm Chinese and was told this by a Chinese friend.)


A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"


How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb

Five. One to say they'll do it a second to try to change the law so you have to do it, a third to go on an expensive campaign to find out why it doesn't get done and two more to vote against it so it never happens.


So this wealthy lawyer parks his Rolls-Royce on a busy street

and as he opens his door, a truck come screaming by and tears off the car door. The guy jumps out and yells, "My car! My beautiful car!" and a man standing nearby says, "you pig, you're so worried about your expensive car that you didn't even notice that your arm's missing too!" Hearing that, the lawyer yells, "Oh God, my Rolex!"


Old man and trophy wife

An old man walks into a car dealership with his young trophy wife on his arm. He walks up to the manager and says, "I want to make deal with you. If you can do three things that I can do, I'll buy your most expensive car with cash plus 10% extra for you. If you can't, I get the car for free."

The manager looks at old man, and figures he can do anything the old man could do. "All right, it's a deal. Let's go to my office."

They all walk into the manager's office. The old man walks over to his wife and rips open her blouse. He slowly starts caressing her breasts and sucks gently on both her nipples. He stops after a minute then motions to the manager to repeat. The manager can't believe his luck and begins caressing and sucking the young wife's nipples.

Next, the old man rips his wife's skirt off, and begins to stroke and lick her pussy. He stops after a minute and motions the manager towards his wife. The manager happily jumps in and begins to play with and lick the young wife's pussy.

The manager stops and says, "Well old man, what else you got?"

The old man smiles, pulls down his pants, and folds his dick in half.

The manager sighs, "What color do you want?"


A man wheels into a bar

A old guy in a wheelchair, and some medical looking tubes hanging out of him slowly wheels his way into a bar. The barman asks him what he would like to drink, expecting an orange juice or something. The old guy replies "8 shots of your most expensive Scotch". The barman obviously thinks WTF, but it is really expensive Scotch.

He pours the first one and places on the bar. In one smooth movement, the old guy takes it up and downs it all. The barman is now *really* thinking WTF, but pours the second one. Again, the old guy downs it in one. This happens until the barman gets to the fifth Scotch, when he says: "You don't half drink fast."
"You'd drink fast if you had what I've got."
"Why, what have you got?"
"16 cents."


A man is waiting in line and sees another man...

He says, "excuse me sir, are you an attorney?"

The other man says, "yes. I am."

The first man says, "what is your fee?"

The attorney says, "$400 per four questions."

The man says, "isn't that terribly expensive?"

"yes." says the attorney. "what is your fourth question?"


(Apples ) oldie but goodie!

Jim was driving through the country when he saw a sign reading, "Apples $5 each."
"That's a lot of money for one apple!" he thought, so he stopped to see what's up.
Jim asked the farmer, "Why are your apples so expensive?"
The farmer replied, "Because they are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
Jim took a bite and said, "Yep, that tastes like peanut butter, all right. But I can't taste any jelly."
The farmer said, "Turn it around."
Jim did, gave it a chomp and, sure enough, jelly! "These are great; give me a dozen!"
The farmer said, "If you like those, how about a ham and cheese apple? Here, try this," handing Jim an apple from behind the counter.
Jim bit into it, and said, "Son of a gun. Ham!" He turned it around and took another bite. "Yep. Cheese. You better give me a dozen of these, too."
As the farmer gave him the bag of apples, he said, "You know, I've got some really special apples under the counter, but they're fifty bucks a piece."
"Fifty bucks?!" exclaimed Jim. "What are they?"
"These are pussy apples," said the farmer. "Here. Try one."
Jim took a bite and spat it out, saying, "Ugh! This apple tastes like shit!"
The farmer said, "Turn it around!"


Lawyers are expensive

Someone walks to the lawyer's office and asks "How much is you services?" The lawyer replies "$500 for three questions". The man is surprised "Isn't that a little expensive for three questions?". The lawyer quietly replies "No sir, it is not. And what would be your 3rd question?"


The small-chested lady

A woman who desperately wanted breast augmentation couldn't afford the cost of high-end plastic surgery. After revealing her measly budget to the doctor, he suggested his least expensive solution: "I'll insert inflatables in your breasts and air pumps in your armpits. When you want larger breasts, just flap your arms like a bird and you'll be good for about an hour."

This didn't sound too bad, so she underwent the procedure. After the scars healed, she stood in front of the mirror and flapped her arms. To her satisfaction, her breasts grew in size and looked really good.

That night at the bar, she saw a handsome fella at the counter and approached him. He saw her flapping her arms as she broke the ice: "Excuse me, haven't we met somewhere before?"

The man spun around on his barstool and quickly pumped his knees in and out: "No, but I think we have the same doctor!"


Why are balloons expensive?


I'll see myself out, unless this blows up.


the green parrot

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks to choose.

The mans asks "How much is the yellow one?"

Assistant: "$2000"

The man is shocked and asks the assistant why is it so expensive. The assistant explains "He knows typewriting and type really fast"

"What about the red one?" The man asks

The assistant says "He costs $5000 becuase he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."

"What about the Green one?" the man asks

The assistant says, "That one's for $10,000."

The man says, "and what does he do?"

The assistant replies, "I dont know, but the other two call him BOSS."


A very rich snail slimed into a Cadillac dealership...

...and said,"I want your most expensive car."
The salesman said,"Very well sir. Is that all?"
The snail said,"No. I'd like it to have a custom paint job." The salesman said,"Yes sir. What do you want the car to look like?"
The snail said,"I'd like every door painted
with a large letter S." The salesman said,"May I ask why,for reasons of curiosity?"
The snail said,"Because when I drive down the street,I want every single head to turn,and for them to all say: 'Look at that
S car go!'"


Siamese Cat

My girlfriend wanted me to buy her a Siamese cat.

My mate told me that they are really expensive, so I've bought 2 normal cats and glued their heads together.


Three tourists are having a drink in an expensive bar in Times Square

They're all astounded by the prices of the drinks.

One of the tourists says, "back in my favorite bar in Liverpool, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get another one on the house!"

The tourist from Ireland says, "that's impressive but back in my favorite pub in Dublin, every time you ordered a beer, you'd get a beer and a shot of whiskey on the house!"

Not to be outdone, the tourist from Poland says, "that's nothing. Back in Warsaw, not only were the drinks free but they took you to a room in the back where you had sex!"

The other two tourists are amazed, they say, "that's incredible! That really happened to you?"

The Polish tourist says, "well, not to me but to my sister."



You've read some of the best expensive jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty expensive gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these expensive jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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