Expensive Jokes
178 expensive jokes and hilarious expensive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about expensive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Learn why jokes can be expensive and how you can avoid being taken for a ride. From expensive gas and petrol, to expensive cars, lumber, lettuce, restaurant and wine, we discuss all the expensive things that can take you by surprise. Plus, we explore luxuries such as jewelry, wood, hotels and more that can be costly, but worth the price.
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Funniest Expensive Short Jokes
Short expensive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The expensive humour may include short overpriced jokes also.
- If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative... Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!
- America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against vietnam It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.
- How do you milk a sheep? Sell headphone for $549.
- I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much... They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs
- We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas. It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.
- My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess So I took her to Paris.
We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.
Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died. - Parents save more by not vaccinating their children Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.
- Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations. They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.
- I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."
- my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
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Expensive One Liners
Which expensive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with expensive? I can suggest the ones about high prices and luxurious.
- What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? College
- You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimney? They're through the roof.
- What is the most expensive video streaming service right now? College.
- I don't usually brag about going to expensive places But I just left the gas station.
- Why is helium so expensive these days? Because of all the inflation.
- Some people think that wigs are expensive. But really it's just a small price toupee..
- What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car? Expensive Petroleum
- What's the most expensive video-streaming service at this time? University
- Why are airbags so expensive? Because of inflation.
- why are balloon getting so expensive nowadays? inflation
- What's expensive and dirt cheap at the same time? Fresh grad
- Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? They're always eating out.
- Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it.
- Girl, are you a 3D movie? Because you're too expensive and giving me a headache.
- Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation
Expensive Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny expensive car jokes and even better expensive car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay... ..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."
I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."
"They are." - A man crashed his car A man crashed his expensive car into a tree... He finally found out how the Mercedes bends
- Why are electric cars so expensive? Because they charge a lot.
- My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often. But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.
- I drove my expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.
- My ten year old daughter made this one up… thought it was pretty good. What's the least expensive type of car? Afford.
- I bumped into an old school friend today He was going on and on about how expensive his new car was.
So long story short my insurance rates are going up. - A guy drove his expensive car into a tree... That's when he learned how the Mercedes bends
- What happens when you drive an expensive German luxury car into a tree Your Mercedes Bends
- - I like to travel in first - But is expensive, is not?
- Yes, I have already broken three cars!!
European joke...
Expensive Restaurant Jokes
Here is a list of funny expensive restaurant jokes and even better expensive restaurant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.
- I went to a cannibal restaurant last night... Very expensive - $50 a head
- What do you call an expensive restaurant? Dine & Whine
- s**... to a man is like hunger. If he can't get into an expensive French restaurant, he will go to McDonalds.
Expensive Gas Jokes
Here is a list of funny expensive gas jokes and even better expensive gas puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I don't like to brag about the expensive trips I go on….. ….but I went to the gas station today.
- If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive Take her to the gas station.
- I don't normally brag about expensive places I've been But I've just left the gas station.
- I told my wife I was taking her somewhere expensive this weekend. She wasn't happy when I drove her to the gas station.
- My date wants to go somewhere expensive for the first date. I think a trip to the gas station together will be most impressive in that case.
- In New Orleans she was 'Honeychile', the sweetest of the bunch But on my job's expense account, she's 'gas, motel and lunch'.
- Where is the most expensive place to get gas? Chipotle.
- My wife wanted me to take her out to an expensive place for our anniversary, So I took her to the Gas Station
Pump #4 - TIFU by going over 88 miles per hour Now gas is so expensive I have no money to go back.
- Gas is so fracking expensive these days.
Expensive Wine Jokes
Here is a list of funny expensive wine jokes and even better expensive wine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Florida!" - Two cashews walk into a bar... The Bartender says "How about a glass of our most expensive wine?"
The Cashews reply, "Do you think we're Nuts?!" - Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Florida!" - Wine storage Why is wine storage so expensive?
It's a cellar's market - Q: What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
A: "I wanna go to Florida!" - The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink.
- I drank an expensive bottle of wine last night. The hard part was geting the bottle down.
- What's an expensive Jewish wine? I wanna go to Miami!
Expensive Petrol Jokes
Here is a list of funny expensive petrol jokes and even better expensive petrol puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm not one to brag about going to expensive places … But guess who's just been to the petrol station!
- Expensive Date She asked me to take her somewhere really really expensive... So, we enjoyed our first date under the night lights of BPs forecourt petrol station.
- When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
I took her to a petrol station... - petrol is so expensive It will be cheaper to just buy c**... and run everywhere
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor Expensive Jokes
What funny jokes about expensive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prestigious jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make expensive pranks.
Groaned a whole store with this one.
I was buying new tires for my car. While I was discussing my options the person down the counter was flustered at the prices she was being offered. To this she loudly asked:
"I put the same ones on my husbands Jeep last year! What happened? Why are they so expensive?!"
To which I looked at over and loudly stated. "Inflation."
The guys behind the counter laughed. The rest of the room groaned out a chorus of dadjoke music that should have been filmed live in front of a studio audience.
A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain
He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
The Jewish way
As a Jew I have a soft spot for jokes about my own people, and this is one of my favorites that isn't so well known.
A Jewish man walks into a w**.... The madame asks him what he'd like. He asks if any of the women there can have s**... "the Jewish way". Puzzled, she goes to each of the unoccupied rooms, and asks the woman inside if she's familiar with having s**... the Jewish way. Finally, they get to the last room. Inside is a p**... who's extremely talented, and is one of the most expensive in the area. She asks, "do you know how to have s**... the Jewish way? This man's looking for a woman who does". She responds, "no, I haven't. But to stay at the top of my profession, I'm always looking to improve. If you teach me how to have s**... the Jewish way, we'll do that free of charge".
The man accepts the offer, and they have s**.... She's surprised to find that it's just regular s**...! Afterwards, she asks "What were you talking about, 'the Jewish way'? You just had s**... with me, the most expensive h**... in town, for free?!" He smiles and replies, "that's the Jewish way!".
A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...
The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"
"Yep. What's your third question?"
A duck walks into a bar...
And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.
The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."
A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"
The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."
An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.
The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing."
"Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says.
"But why?" the bartender asks.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
Why are s**... donations more expensive than blood donations?
They are hand made
The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.
She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"
Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.
Whats the most expensive haircut?
***Chemotherapy***
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A teacher asks her class "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b**... with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked and not knowing how to respond to this, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's b**...."
An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.
He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."
He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."
He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern district, there are only 4, but they are expensive and lucrative."
The old man passes away and the priest says "That is unbelievable, he must have been incredibly wealthy?"
The old man's widow laughs and says "He was a Window Cleaner"
A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.
"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.
"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.
"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"
The man replies "50 cents."
A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.
She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."
An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage
He went to a l**... shop to get a s**... l**... for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.
Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go n**... and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom n**....
Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .
My daughter saw me eating prosciutto
True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."
I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"
"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.
He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."
Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a tin of tobacco for my dad, and a handful of my favorite candies, all for about five cents.
"Can't do that today, though. No sir-ee Bob."
"Why is that, grandpa?" asks the boy.
"Too many f**...' cameras."
I asked my grocer why garbage bags have become so expensive.
He said there's been a hefty demand increase.
Why are Male Prostitutes' more expensive than Female Prostitutes'?
The Price of wood is so d**... high.....
I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...
...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)
...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.
...50% alcohol.
...all over my g**... while I'm trying to drive.
...I don't like coffee.
...imported from micronesia.
...free, fresh and in the breakroom.
...huge and cheap with room for cream.
...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.
...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)
...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.
Beware of a new E-bay scam
I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry and they sent me motorcycle parts
Critics say Botox is too expensive...
...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.
So a guy walks into a bar...
and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."
"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?"
He said, "Funny you should come to me..."
Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive h**...?
The FIFA headquarters.
The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.
When it came to Johnny he said, I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I'll get me a b**..., and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have s**... with her 3 times a day.
The teacher was lost for words and didn't know what to do, so she just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.
Marie replied: "I'd like to be Johnny's b**...!!"
Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show.
Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive!
A zombie walks into a brain store
On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"
Johny the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest p**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's p**...."
I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff
Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus
EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks
Cost me an arm and a leg!
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
A man runs into a bar...
He runs up the bartender and says:
"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"
The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.
The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"
The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."
The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"
The man says: "Fifty cents."
Revenge on a four-year-old child
A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
I led the child over to my piano, where I allowed him to randomly hit a few keys. I remarked "Wow, your son has a good musical sense, he's quite talented!"
I heard the child hasn't had any free time ever since.
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest h**..., give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while b**... her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin¹s h**...."
Life is like a box of chocolates...
It's expensive, you don't like half of it, and sometimes you can give the whole thing to a woman and she still wont have s**... with you.
I have a kid in africa
which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.
Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.
(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)
Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.
Husband : Yes…so ?
Wife : How come you don't do it anymore ?
Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?
Either way, the results are not good
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for h**.... We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
A father goes to a toy store...
And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday
"are you looking for anything in special?"
"what do you have?"
"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "
"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"
"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."
I saw your "a woman walks into a store joke" and this is mine
A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".
"$500? Why is it so expensive?"
"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"
"really? wow! and how much for the second one?"
"$2000!"
"$2000?"
"Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type texts you dictate on a computer"
"Wow, fantastic and what about the third one?"
"The third one costs $200,000".
"$200,000 ???? What does he do to cost that much?"
"absolute nothing."
"Nothing? and why does it costs $200,000"
"because the other two parrots call him boss".
What is the difference between a p**... and EA?
Both have expensive loot boxes we have to pay for however it's prostitutes who end up with a bad taste in their mouths not their clients.
Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem
One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.
'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'
'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'
'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'
The toilet brush
A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.
The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."
The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.
The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"
"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!
Dean, to the physics department:
"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...
An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."
"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."
"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.
"Whose skull is that?"
"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"
With everything so expensive this year, it could be just German sausage and cheese for Christmas dinner.
But that's a Wurst-Käse scenario.
I have a kid in Africa...
I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.
The expensive part was flying him there.
Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.
"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday...
"Something expensive, and that I don't need." she replied.
I signed her up for chemotherapy.
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.
How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.
$200″ – he replied.
That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.
Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!
My wife hated the new expensive revolving chair that I bought but then she sat on it.
Eventually….she came around.
