expensive Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious expensive puns

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...


.... The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Father, do you have anything to declare?

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, Father, may I ask a favor?

Of course you may. What can I do for you?

Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?

I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.

With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.

When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, Father, do you have anything to declare?

From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.

The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?

I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.

Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, God bless you, Father, go ahead.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Larry the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fucking kids are expensive , I said

Is , my lawyer replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

*gasp* "The doctor??"

"No, the other one."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I bumped into an old school friend today

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary...

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'


The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.


She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'


To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'


'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to a bar and meets an escort...

... after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"

"$50," She says.

"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.

"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.

"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.

"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.

The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.

He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"

"$500." She says.

"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.

"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.

"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.

"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.

So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.

On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"

She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka

Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The boss!

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''
''What about the green one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''
''What about the red one?'' the man asks.
The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''
The man says, ''What does HE do?''
The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband and wife are checking out of a hotel

Receptionist: "That will be $400, sir"

Husband: "But we only stayed one night! Why is it so expensive???"

Receptionist: "We are a 5 star hotel, sir, with a world class private golf course and one of the finest spas in the country."

Husband: "But we didn't use the golf course, and we didn't go to the spa!"

Receptionist: "I understand, sir, but it was there if you wanted to."

The husband pulls out $100 and hands it to the receptionist.

Receptionist: "excuse me, sir, but you're $300 short"

Husband: "The cost for sleeping with my wife is $300"

Receptionist: "I did not sleep with your wife!!!"

Husband: "I understand, but she was there if you wanted to."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A joke from my dad: A man goes to a lawyer to ask a few legal questions...

The man says to the lawyer "How much would it cost to ask you a few questions?"

The lawyer says "I charge $400 for three questions."

"That's a bit expensive isn't it?"

"Yep. What's your third question?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?

The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?

Um, no, mumbled the director.

Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister's husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?

I … I … I had no idea.

So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father,may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electric hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her..

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A duck walks into a bar...

And orders a hundred bottles of scotch.

The bartender says, "That's gonna be pretty expensive. How are you gonna pay for all that liquor?"

The duck replies, "Just put it on my tab."

A nearby bar patron cheekily says, "Don't you mean 'put it on my bill'?"

The duck says to the bartender, "Okay, put it on his bill."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Typical Men

There onced lived a rich man who wanted desperately to get married. So in order to determine a suitable wife he selected 3 women who he found attractive and gave them each $10000 to do as they please. The first woman spent her $10000 on a makeover and went to the man. She said "i spent the money on me so that you might love me more".
The second woman went out and spent her money on expensive gifts for the man. She came back and said "I bought these gifts for you to show how selfless i am and that you might love me more".
The man was impressed.
The third woman took the money to the stock market and doubled the money she had. She then put the money in a joint account between her and the man. She returned to the man and said, "I have increased the money you have given me and placed it in a joint account so that you might love me more" The man was very impressed.
The man then married the woman with the biggest boobs.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teacher speaks to his straight-F pupil

"With grades like this you'll never achieve anything in your life. You'll end up a loser"

Fast forward 20 years later. Retired teacher is deadly ill, only a very risky and expensive surgery can save him.
It happens that the best surgeon in the country knows the old man and aggrees to save him for free.

After surgery, when teacher wakes up, the grown-up straight-F student comes into the recovery room.

He unplugs the life support and plugs in his vacuum cleaner.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a woman walks into a pet store...

and sees a parrot on sale for 50 bucks. Now, a parrot is a pretty expensive bird, so she asks the man behind the counter why the bird was on sale, and he tells her; "Well the bird used to live in a brothel, so sometimes it says some pretty vulgar things." The woman thinks for a minute, and says, "I guess that's fine. I'll take him". So she brings the bird home and sets its cage up near the front door. When he knows what's going on he says, "new house, new madame!" The woman thinks to herself, "it came from a brothel, so I guess it's just learning". The woman's daughters get home from school and the bird says, "new house, new girls, new madame!". "It will just take time" she thinks. Then the woman's husband gets home and the bird says, "hi Jeff!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girls night out

Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetary across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her panties, wipes, then tosses them. The second girl doesn't want to toss her expensive panties so she grabs a card out of some flowers and uses that. Giggling, they continue home.
The next morning the husband of the first girl calls the husband of the second and says "these girls nights out have to stop! My wife came home without her underwear last night!" The second husband says "you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card between her butcheeks that said We'll all miss you! Lots of love, the guys at firestation #19!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he's decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.

What did you do? asked the man of the rabbi.

I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.

What did he say? asked the man.

He said, Funny you should come to me...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mailman is working his last day on a route he's been doing for 20 years

He gets to the first house and a man greets him at the door with a very expensive bottle of wine and thanks him for his service. He arrives at the next house and is greeted by the entire family with a box of Cuban cigars and everyone wishes him a happy retirement.

He arrives at the third house where he is greeted by a gorgeous blonde with see through lingerie on. She leads him upstairs where they make love for an hour. When they're done she takes him downstairs where she cooks him a breakfast of pancakes,eggs and squeezed orange juice. As he's eating she gives him a card with $20 in it.

He's overwhelmed by all this and asks why. The blonde tells him You've been an amazing mailman over the years and when I heard you were retiring I asked my husband what we should do for you. He replied"Fuck him. Give him $20" The Breakfast was my idea

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fucking kids are expensive, I said

*Is* my lawyer replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I saw your "a woman walks into a store joke" and this is mine

A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".

"$500? Why is it so expensive?"

"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"

"really? wow! and how much for the second one?"

"$2000!"

"$2000?"

"Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type texts you dictate on a computer"

"Wow, fantastic and what about the third one?"

"The third one costs $200,000".

"$200,000 ???? What does he do to cost that much?"

"absolute nothing."

"Nothing? and why does it costs $200,000"

"because the other two parrots call him boss".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Teacher asks Johnny what he want to be when he grows up.

"I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari over a million, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an Infinite visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:
"And you, Tanya?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

At the end of a busy night in a bar a clearly drunk man approaches the bartender. "Hey man," he says, "I'll bet you $50 I can stand at one end of the bar and pee clear to the other end." He has to clean the bar anyway, so this sounds like an easy 50 to the bartender. He agrees.

"Great! I'll be right back." The man then approaches a group of wasted guys in expensive suits and after a little bit of chatting and back slapping, he returns. He climbs onto the bar, whips it out and proceeds to pee...no more than a foot or so distance. The bartender laughs to himself, thinking he's just made fifty bucks. The drunken guy looks excited and hands him fifty. "Thanks, man," he says as he climbs off the bar. The bartender looks confused. "What are you thanking me for?" "I bet that group of bankers $500 bucks each that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't care!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Priest helps a young woman at the airport



A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied.

"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," said the devout man.

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead, Father."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Whats the most expensive haircut?

***Chemotherapy***

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Geriatric pick-up lines.

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-eighties) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel. He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly fine-looking lady (mid-seventies).
The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, good looking, do I come here often?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Kevin

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from Little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin's whore."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man saw a lady with big breasts.

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000 ?". She agreed, so they went to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, " Aren't you gonna bite them?". He replies, "No, it's too expensive!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are airbags so expensive?

Because of inflation.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...they are all currently at her funeral!"



⚽⚽⚽
FIFA FEVER

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teacher asks her kids in class....

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

For my birthday, my girlfriend said I could either have a Rolex or a threesome.

Both sound cool in theory, but a Rolex is expensive and there's no way I would be able to please 2 women when I can barely last 30 seconds with my girlfriend. I'd get too nervous. But at the same time my girlfriend's best friend Aimee is really fucking hot.

After my birthday dinner my girlfriend told me "Aimee is on the way and she's really horny. I'm getting horny too. Are you ready to fuck both of us?"

I said "No, I just wanna watch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.

"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.

"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"

The man replies "50 cents."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Bullfrog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

Well, said the clerk, I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!

Blow jobs!? the woman replied.

It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month, he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, but if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog.


When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making a hellacious banging and crashing sound.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

What are you two doing at this hour!? she asked.

The husband replied, If I can teach this frog to cook... your ass is gone!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Rich Banker

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone-call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?
The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?
Um, no, mumbled the director.
Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?
I … I … I had no idea.
So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

why are balloons getting so expensive nowadays?

inflation

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Parents save more by not vaccinating their children

Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman was shopping for her daughters birthday.

She asked the salss girl the price of some Barbie dolls. "This Barbie is $16.99," the girl said. "If you want something a little nicer, Malibu Barbie is $24.99. Or you can get Divorce Barbie for $169.99." "Why is Divorce Barbie so expensive" the mother asked. "Well," the sales girl said "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house and car."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.

After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"

"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"

"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My daughter saw me eating prosciutto

True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."

I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"

"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A tourist in Spain...

A wealthy American tourist traveling in Spain goes to a fancy restaurant and requests the most expensive item on the menu. They bring him two large round balls of a very unusual looking meat. He is pleased by the size of the portions, but is wondering what kind of meat it is and asks the waiter. The waiter explains that after a bullfight, the meat is given to various charities, but the testicles of the bull are an incredible delicacy and sold to the finest restaurants. At first he is disgusted, but very curious and not wanting to be rude he takes a bite and is amazed; they're delicious!

A few days later, he decides that it was so good that he returns to the restaurant and orders the same item. "Excellent choice sir!" The waiter exclaims. But when he brings the dish to the man, the portions this time are tiny. "Wait, what?" He asks, clearly upset, "What's this?"

"Well, as you can see," The waiter responds, a little embarrassed, "The bullfighter does not always win."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80.

After that, the old rich man continued, I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.

She looks around and finds the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. Good day Miss, how may we help you today?


Very uncomfortably she asks, Sir, how much does this rug costs?


He answers, Lady, if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer is walking down the stairs of his law firm.

This guy is dressed in an expensive suit, he's wearing shoes made from an extinct reptile and orphan tears, and He's walking to his brand new Lamborghini. Just as he opens the driver side door a truck comes speeding through and tears the door from its hinges. The lawyer visibly shocked and pissed yells " Fuck my new car", a passerby sees this and says "You lawyers are so materialistic, your arm was ripped off with the door and all you've noticed is your car". The lawyer notices his missing arm and yells "FUCK!!!my rolex"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Joke Time:The Boss

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''

The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, ''This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.''

''What about the green one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.''

''What about the red one?'' the man asks.

The assistant says, ''That one's $10,000.''

The man says, ''What does HE do?''

The assistant says, ''I don't know, but the other two call him boss.''

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A teacher asks Johnny, "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I want to be a billionaire, go to the most expensive club, take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe; an infinite Visa card, and make love to her three times a day."
The teacher, not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson: "and you Marie?"
"Ma'am, I have no doubt, I want to be Johnny's bitch!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A (Smart) Blonde Offers Collateral For A Loan...

A blonde woman walks into a Manhattan bank and says she'd like to take out a $5,000 loan since she will be vacationing to Europe. When the banker asks what she will be using as collateral, she points to her brand new Bentley. The banker is surprised, but agrees. She leaves, and he laughs; who uses such an expensive car as collateral for such a small loan? But he shrugs it off and parks the car in the banks garage. Three weeks later, the woman returns to the bank. He retrieves her car and she pays back the $5,000 plus $14.00 in interest. As she goes to leave, the man decides he has to ask. "Ma'am," he says, "why in the world would you use a $100,000 as collateral for a $5,000 loan?" She smiles and replies "where else can I park for three weeks in Manhattan for $14?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.

He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".

The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".

The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Of Blowjobs and Bullfrogs

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was a wakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was shopping online, and I was shocked to find how expensive my wife's vibrators were.

She is sitting on a small fortune.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.

"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he told me last week that he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you, I, too, brought up my boy in the faith, put him though university, cost me a fortune, then one day he came to me and told me he has decided to become a Chrsitian."

"What did you do?" Asked the lawyer.

"I turned to God for the answer," replied the Rabbi.

"And what did he say?"

He said, "Funny you should come to me..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your carpet down to every single strand, I will eat all of this poop, right here right now!!"

Woman looks at the confident salesman "Would you like hot sauce or barbecue sauce?"

Salesman, bewildered, asks "Why?!?"

"because, the powers out."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman walks past a pet shop...

A fairly young widow is walking past a pet shop and she pauses to admire the puppies in the window. As she looks inside, she sees a frog for sale, for Β£1000. She decides to go in and enquire as to why the frog is so expensive.

The pet shop owner says "this frog is a master of oral sex, which is very rare, so he's naturally expensive." The woman is sceptical, so the owner says "look, you can try it out if you like. Come take a seat over here."


The woman walks over and takes a seat, and the frog is placed on the floor in front of her. Nothing happens. The man looks at the frog and says "come on, you know what to do" but, nothing.

So the man turns to the woman and says "maybe it would help if you spread your legs a little, so he can see what he's supposed to do." The woman obliges, but the frog doesnt move.

The shop owner looks at the frog, at the woman, at the frog again, and back at the woman before saying "you know, it might help if you also remove your underwear." The woman removes her underwear and still there is no movement from the frog.

So the shop keeper turns to the frog and says "look, this is the last time I'm going to show you how to do this!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I like my (wo)men like I like my coffee...

...hot, black, and strong
^(possibly the original)

...thin, pale, and extra-sweet.

...50% alcohol.

...all over my genitals while I'm trying to drive.

...I don't like coffee.

...imported from micronesia.

...free, fresh and in the breakroom.

...huge and cheap with room for cream.

...cold, bitter, expensive and Italian.

...in a plastic cup.
^(eddie izzard)

...ground up, roasted, and quickly disposed of.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"Father, may I ask a favor?"

A distinguished young woman on flight from Switzerland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?" the priest replied.

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" the woman asked.

"I would love to help you, but I must warn you: I will not lie!" The priest told her.

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, the young woman let the priest go ahead of her.

The Customs official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," said the priest.

The officials thought this answer a bit strange, so he asked, "And what to you have to declare from your waist to the floor, Father?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused," answered the priest.

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Boss.

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

The man asks, How much is the yellow one?

The assistant replies that it costs $2,000. The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. This parrot is a very special one. He can type really fast.

What about the green one? the man asks. He costs $5,000 because he can type, answer incoming phone calls and takes notes.

What about the red one? the man asks. The assistant says, That one's $10,000.

Curious, the man asks, What does he do? The assistant says, I don't know, but the other two call him boss.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call an expensive circumcision?

A bloody rip-off

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This computer can answer any question!

The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe.

"It can answer *any* question! Just try it!"
The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?"
The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The CEO chortles to the salesman "Wrong! My father died five years ago!"
The computer answers "Your mothers husband died five years ago. Your father just landed a 10 pound trout."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a guy walks into a bar...

and says to the bartender "Give me 12 shots of your most expensive Tequila!" The bartender pours the shots and lines them up. The guy starts shooting them back wicked fast, one right after another. The bartender says in shock "Why are you drinking those so fast?!" The guy stops long enough to get out a few words "you would drink these fast too, if you had what I have" Confused, the bartender asks "why? what do you have?"
The guy says "About four dollars"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

2 Woman go drinking...

after a lot of drinks they decide to head home but on the way realise they have to use a bathroom but as its late there is no one to be found.
So both decided to head for the local cementary...as they had nothing to wipe, the first woman decides to sacrifice her panties.
The second one had really expensive panties so she just grabbed a ribbon from a nearby grave and both head home.

The next morning both husbands meet:
"This has to stop, my wife came home without panties!"
"You think THAT is bad? Mine had a pice of ribbon in hers that reads "from all of us at the police station - we will never forget you.""

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walks into a brothel

And asks for the madame.

The host says to him "Are you sure? She is our most expensive"

He replies "Yes, I have $1000 ready!"

Shocked at the amount, the host quickly runs up the stairs and grabs the madame and prepares a room for them.

The man walks into the room with the madame and 30 minutes later walks out with a smile on his face and leaves.

The next day, at the exact same time the man returns again with $1000 and only asks for the madame.

Again, the next day the man walks in and asks for her. This time, the madame asks the man "you've been in here 3 times now and have spent a lot of money. Where are you from?"

The man replies "I'm from Berlin. Here for a vacation"

The madame, excited says "My sister is from Berlin!"

To which the man says "I know! I work with her! I told her I was coming here and she wanted to give you $3000!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive hookers?

The FIFA headquarters.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Gotta Pee...

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!' 'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny...again.

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Panda walks into an expensive restaurant...

He gets seated by the host and looks at the menu. He orders the most expensive items on the menu; Porterhouse, A bottle of Chateau Lafite and Black Truffle Cheesecake. When the check comes, the Panda pulls out a handgun and shoots the waiter right between the eyes.

As the Panda is walking out the door, the manager stops him. "What the hell do you think you are doing Panda," he says. "Not only are you skipping out on the check, but you SHOT my employee."

"Its ok sir," the Panda responds, "I'm a panda"
"You KILLED someone, you can't get away with this!" yells the manager.

"Don't be silly," says the Panda. "Im a panda, look it up in the dictionary" And he casually walks out the door.

The manager, not knowing what to do with himself, grabs a dictionary and flips to P. Under Panda:

panda. noun. Large mammal, indigenous to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I really hate people who brag about their expensive stuff

Sent from my iPhone 7 Plus

EDIT : had to manage as my MacBook Pro ran out of battery

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are divorces so expensive?

Because they're worth it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but it's expensive and the bulb has to want to change.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive?

They're always eating out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Larry

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.Β Β 
Β 
"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore."
Β 

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girl, are you a 3D movie?

Because you're too expensive and giving me a headache.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I saw an old school friend today

and he started bragging about his well paid job, his flash expensive car and his enormous house.


Then he took a photo out of his wallet, showed it to me and said. "That's my wife, isn't she beautiful"?


I looked it at and said "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife"


He said "Why, is she a stunner?


I said "No, she's a fucking optometrist!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Poor man

Three men sat outside of a coffe shop in a spanish town, two of them are rich and the third is poor. As they sat there drinking their coffes a very attractive lady walks up to them and asks what they would give to sleep with her. The first rich man says "I would buy you a yacht, a sports car and a case of the most expensive wine just to see you nude". The second rich man says "I would buy you a home in whatever part of the world you want, treat you to the best food, and three million dollars just to see you topless". The poor man then excalims "Forget her! I'll take it in the ass".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive then you should try swimming with sharks.

Cost me an arm and a leg.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man runs into a bar...

He runs up the bartender and says:

"Quick! Pour me 20 shots of your most expensive single malt scotch!"

The bartender hurries and pours the man the 20 shots, and the man quickly takes down each one.

The bartender says: "wow, I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"

The man says: "well you'd drink fast too if you had what I had..."

The bartender says: "oh my God, what is it? What do you have?"

The man says: "Fifty cents."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A politician needs to hire a engineering company to build a bridge in his city. He's got offers from companies from three different companies:

A Chinese, an American and a Brazilian company.

The representative from the Chinese company says: "I'll do it for $3 million dollars. One million for the workforce, one for supplies and one for my profit. It's cheapest price you will ever find".

The representative from the American company says: "I'll do it for $6 million dollars. Two million for the workforce, two for supplies and two for my profit".

The Brazilian guy says: "I'll do it for $9 millon dollars".

The politician, very surprised, says: "What? Why is it so expensive?"

And the Brazilian answers: "3 million for me, 3 for you and 3 to have the Chinese guy build the bridge".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It's expensive, you don't like half of it, and sometimes you can give the whole thing to a woman and she still wont have sex with you.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have a kid in africa

which I feed, clothe and school for less than a dollar a day, which is really cheap.

Ofcourse the plane ticket to send him there was quite expensive, but now it's really working out.

(stolen from the awesome Jeselnik)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year...

Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him...

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.

Husband : Yes…so ?


Wife : How come you don't do it anymore ?


Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A homeless man...

A homeless man was walking down the street. His shoes were so worn out that the soles would flop around when he walked. One day, he was walking down the street when a man in a brand new Maserati and an expensive Italian suit pulled over by him. The man asked for the homeless man to come to him. He pulled out a think wad of $100 bills, and held it out to the homeless man. The homeless man was shocked. The man pulled off the rubber band from the wad, and handed the band to the homeless man and said "Y'know, you could use this to keep your shoes from flopping around everywhere like that."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy gets drunk at a bar and pukes on his shirt...

..."Oh man," he says, "this shirt was expensive, my wife is going to kill me!"

The bar tender says to him,

"Look, here's what you do. Put $10 in your shirt pocket and tell her that some other guy puked on you, and then gave you the $10 to have the shirt cleaned."

The guy replies, "That's a great idea! I'll go home and try that."

He drinks some more, and by the time he is heading home, he is completely smashed. As he is about to head through the front door, he gets some money out of his wallet, and puts it in his shirt pocket, as the bartender told him to do.

When he gets inside, the wife, as expected, is furious about his shirt. The guy pulls out the note from his pocket, and tells his wife that some other guy puked on his shirt, and gave him $10 to cover cleaning costs.

The wife looks in the guy's hand, and says,

"You said he gave you $10, this is a $20."

"Oh yeah I forgot," the guy replies,

"He also shit in my pants."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is the difference between a prostitute and EA?

Both have expensive loot boxes we have to pay for however it's prostitutes who end up with a bad taste in their mouths not their clients.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

10 blondes walk into a bar...

they say to the bartender, "We'll have the most expensive bottle of champagne you have! We're celebrating."
They sit down and crack open the bottle and raise their glasses and they all say "23" and drink.
The bartender is curious and goes to their table and asks, "What are you celebrating?"
They point to a framed puzzle and say, "We'll we were sick of all the negative stereotypes of blondes, so we decided to do this puzzle, it took us only 23 days, but on the box it says 2-3 years!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Loving Husband!

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final.
He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.
MAN: Who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?
GUY: That was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
MAN: Oh… that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat. But these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?
GUY: No…they are all currently at her funeral!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mr. Smith is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Jerusalem

One day, his mother-in-law dies quite suddenly. An undertaker proposes to bury the deceased there in Jerusalem.

'No, thank you,' says Mr. Smith. 'I'd rather have the body shipped back to New York.'

'But why not?' asks the undertaker. 'Shipping a body is expensive, and I could organise a beautiful ceremony here...'

'Look, sir! We're talking about my mother-in-law... Two thousand years ago, they buried a young man here who was resurrected three days later; I'm not taking any chances!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday

"are you looking for anything in special?"

"what do you have?"

"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "

"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"

"Because it comes with kens house, kens car..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:



"What do you want to be when you grow up?"





Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."



The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..



And how about you, Sarah?"



"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have a kid in Africa...

I have a kid in Africa and for only 37 cents a day he has a place to live, plenty of food, and all his shots.


The expensive part was flying him there.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

With great power comes..

An expensive electricity bill

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday...

"Something expensive, and that I don't need." she replied.

I signed her up for chemotherapy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blonde Walks Into A Shoe Store.

"How much for these shoes?" – she asked the store manager. "$200″ – he replied. "That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?" – the blonde. The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blonde persisted. Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?!" – he yelled. "Fine. I will." – the blonde replied. After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her. When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones. Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar...

An English tourist in a Cairo bazaar was offered a large skull by a street-trader. "Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra, effendi," said the Egyptian, "only one hundred English pounds."

"No, thank you," said the Englishman. "It's far too expensive."

"How 'bout dis one, effendi?" said the street-trader, producing a small skull.

"Whose skull is that?"

"Dis de skull of great Queen Cleopatra when she was little girl!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The 3rd grade teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Johnny's turn…



Johnny: I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas.
Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami , a jet to fly with, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day
.
The teacher was lost of words and didn't know what to do. She just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.

Marie replied: "Without a doubt ma'am, I'd like to be Johnny's bitch!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked.

How much for these shoes? – she asked the store manager.

$200β€³ – he replied.

That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down? – the blonde.

The store manager said he couldn't, and got irratated when the blonde persisted.

Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes free?! – he yelled.

Fine. I will. – the blonde replied.

After an hour, the manager got a bit worried that the blonde might have come to harm with the alligators. He decided to go out and check on her.

When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.

Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed Oh my gosh! This one doesn't have any shoes either!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Johny the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's Prostitute."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Eli's Dirty Joke

Cowboy Earl and Betty are senior citizens. Well Earl has always wanted and expensive pair of Alligator Boots

Seeing them on Sale one day he buys a pair and wears them home
"Hey Betty y'all notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? Its' the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants"
"whats different?" frustrated Earl goes into the bathroom undresses, and comes out completely naked wearing only his new boots
"hey Betty y'all notice anything different now?"
"whats different Earl? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and will be hanging down tomorrow!"
Angrily Earl yells "y'all know why it's hanging down? Cos its looking at my new rootin tootin boots!"
Betty replies "Well then you should've bought a damn hat!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old drunk was at the bar when...

He saw this beautiful woman drinking alone at the corner of the bar alone. So he waved the bartender over and ask the bartender to send a bottle of the most expensive champagne to the woman.

The bartender, "nah, I wouldn't bother with that. She's a lesbian." But the old drunk insisted.

A short while later, the old drunk sauntered over to the woman, "So...which part of Lesbia are you from?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dean, to the physics department:

"Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girls Night Out

Two women had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. As they walked home incredibly drunk, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. However, her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave, and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn 'girls night out' have to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dried grapes are getting really expensive...

I heard they're raisin the price

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I always wanted a skateboard.

So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.

And beat her to death.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I lost 80 pounds a while back...

British prostitutes are expensive.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is a divorce so expensive?

It's worth it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Taking the kids out

A husband and wife were discussing what to do with their two kids on the weekend. "They want to go to the zoo and the amusement park" said the wife.

"That's too expensive" said the husband. "It'll have to be one or the other."

"Well, which do you think?"

"Probably Mikey."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Expensive perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you want to be when you grow up..

A teacher asks the class "What do you wanna be when you grow up"
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, get me a fine bitch,
take her to expensive clubs, give her a Ferrari, take her to Europe in my jet,
give her a Platinum Visa and fuck her 3 times a day"

The teacher dont know what to do about Little Johnny's bad behavior so she just ignores him.
and asks Little Suzie "What do you wanna be when you grow up"

Little Suzie answers "I wanna be Johnny's bitch"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A World Cup joke.

A man takes his seat at the FIFA World Cup final.

He looks to his left and notices that there is an empty seat between himself and the next guy.

Man:"Who would ever miss the World cup final?"

Guy:"That was my wife's seat. We've been to the last five World Cup finals together. But sadly she passed away."

Man:"I'm so sorry..and it's very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat. But these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

Guy:"No... they're all at her funeral."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

-Expensive- Jewelery

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. Mother, where do babies come from? The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex. The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend. Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Paying a clown to blow up balloons at a party is pretty expensive.

Must be inflation.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man crashed his car

A man crashed his expensive car into a tree... He finally found out how the Mercedes bends

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out

Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are semen donations more expensive than blood donations?

Because they're handmade

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I man and his wife walk into a disco...

And in the middle of the dance floor there is a very handsome man with a great body and expensive jewelry. Who is busting some serious moves, back flips, moon walking, running man etc.
The wife turns to her husband and says "see that man he asked me to marry him ten years ago but I said no"
The husband replies "and it looks like he is still celebrating"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If your girl complains that you never take her anywhere expensive

Take her to the gas station.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Checks and pants

A middle aged man and a hot young girl step into a jewelery store. The man asks the jeweler to show the girl his finest rings. The jeweler obliged does so and after some consideration the girl picks one of the most expensive ones. At the point the man proceeds to write off a check for the ring; the jeweler interjects "I'm sorry Sir! We do not take checks". The man then tells the jeweler, "I understand your concern. I'll tell you what, cash the check in and my sweet Maria will pass and pick up the ring tomorrow". The jeweler sees no problems with that and Maria seems to be exhilarated at the thought of getting such a ring. They both leave the jewelery store in a rather passionate way.

The next morning the jeweler calls the man: "Sir! There seems to be a problem with your check! Apparently the account lack the funds to cash it in". The man at that point replies, "Forget the ring. I already got into her pants!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Anniversary gift

A man decides that he is really going to spoil his wife for their anniversary this year, so he splashes out on some expensive lingerie for her.


On receiving the gift, she smiles and gives him a peck on the cheek - and he feels slightly annoyed that she doesn't seem to truly appreciate how much thought he put in to the gift.


Finally, after three days of resentment he confronts her: "You haven't really even thanked me properly for the lovely gift I got you - I don't know why I even bother"

To which the wife replies "Oh, I'm sorry darling - I love the lingerie! I've had numerous compliments already!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I couldn't believe how expensive the new bike pump was!

I hadn't considered inflation

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he's the rabbi, he can't risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he's waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they're saying hello, the Rabbi's pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it's mouth. As it's placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One week, a Chinese guy exchanged some currency....

and came back next week to do it again, only to find that the rate had increased.

He asked the nearby white clerk, "Hey! You! Why it more expensive now?"

The clerk replied, "Oh. Fluctuations."

And the Chinese man said, "Well, fuck you white guy!"

(Disclaimer: I'm Chinese and was told this by a Chinese friend.)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny is back!

A teacher asks the kids in her 6th grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this response from little Johnny decides not to acknowledge what he said and tries to continue with the lesson

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.

That's my decision, and it's vinyl.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man out of work...

...sees an opening at the zoo. The head zookeeper says to him "Our ape just died and it's too expensive to replace him. Can you dress up in an ape suit and run around the ape pen? The man, desperate for a job, agrees. The next day, he does his thing as the ape, but while hopping from tree to tree, falls in the lion pen. The lion chases him around for a while, to thunderous applause from the crowd. The lion finally tackles the man and says "Do you want to get us both fired?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is a baby chicken less expensive than an adult one?

Because it's a little cheeper.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A smoker, an alcoholic, and a rapist are offered 1,000,000$ if they can change their lives...

...so they're put in one room filled with the best and most expensive alcohol and the best and most expensive brands of cigarettes, and they have to survive there for a week.
On the second day the alcoholic couldn't take it over there and drank all the alcohol.
The smoker couldn't take it either and decided to light one up, but as he tries to light he drops his lighter and just as he starts to bend over to get it the rapist says: "Pick up the lighter and we both burn out"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why didn't Adam buy Eve the new iPhone?

Because Apple products are really expensive.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb

Five. One to say they'll do it a second to try to change the law so you have to do it, a third to go on an expensive campaign to find out why it doesn't get done and two more to vote against it so it never happens.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So this wealthy lawyer parks his Rolls-Royce on a busy street

and as he opens his door, a truck come screaming by and tears off the car door. The guy jumps out and yells, "My car! My beautiful car!" and a man standing nearby says, "you pig, you're so worried about your expensive car that you didn't even notice that your arm's missing too!" Hearing that, the lawyer yells, "Oh God, my Rolex!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Jimmy wants to be a fighter pilot.

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy,
decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Jimmy 's whore.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Expensive puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Expensive? Well, here are the best jokes about Expensive to have fun with.

Joko Jokes