Expect Jokes
149 expect jokes and hilarious expect puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about expect that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
We all know that life is full of unexpected surprises! But what would you do if a joke was presented to you in a coyly unexpected way? Read this article to find out the unexpected humor that may sweep you off your feet! Learn what to expect when you don't expect to hear a joke and more.
Quick Jump To
- Short Expect Jokes
- Expect One Liners
- What To Expect On A Date With Jokes
- Expect The Unexpected Jokes
- More Expect Jokes
Funniest Expect Short Jokes
Short expect jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The expect humour may include short predict jokes also.
- People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
- Why do the election results take so long? It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
- Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
- How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb? One.
She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her. - Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I'm dropping pounds Only two, but still more than anyone expected.
- I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football. Nobody expects the spanish in position.
- During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
- Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women's bodies. Women's heads are much harder to put back on in real life.
- My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
- My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised. Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition
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Expect One Liners
Which expect one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with expect? I can suggest the ones about assume and attempt.
- I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.
- The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever
- I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
- Democracy in Russia I bet you were expecting more.
- I saw a microbiologist today He was much bigger than I expected
- Met a microbiologist this morning He was bigger than I expected.
- Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man
- So I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup today.. I'm expecting a massive vowel movement.
- I borrowed money from a pessimist because he doesn't expect me to pay him back
- When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy. I expected him to be a little bolder.
- I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard. I expect a long sentence.
- My dad always said, "I before E expect after C". Society taught me otherwise.
- Yeah Tinder is great and all But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?
- A woman walks into a bar Bartender says, "That's funny, I was expecting a guy"
- What goes down but never goes up? My parents expectations of me
What To Expect On A Date With Jokes
Here is a list of funny what to expect on a date with jokes and even better what to expect on a date with puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby" Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper
- It's a great time to date a Rams fan.. They are used to disappointment and aren't expecting a ring.
- Why is dating a Cleveland Browns fan the best? Because she knows better than to expect a ring.
- Female Cowboys fans Why is it considered safe to date a girl who's a Dallas Cowboys fan?
Because she will never expect a ring! - What do a weatherman and Tinder date have in common? They say to expect eight inches, but you only get four.
- Whats the best part of dating a Dallas cheerleader? You know she never expects to get a ring
- Did you hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest business venture - teaming up with the police to help protect kids on internet dating sites? Guess you'd expect nothing less from a Tindergarten cop.
- Why do midget men never date normal sized wealthy women? They'll never be able to live up to their expectations.
- Hey are you today's date? You exceeded my expectations
- My date arrived at my front door and I let her in. She said, "I've parked outside. Is that OK?"
He said, "Yes, I didn't expect you to park inside."
Expect The Unexpected Jokes
Here is a list of funny expect the unexpected jokes and even better expect the unexpected puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
- They say to expect the unexpected Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition
- LPT: Expect the unexpected and.... ....the light was on!
- Man buys an iPhone X. A man was devastated after purchasing an Iphone X with Android features ...
Well, you could say that was uneXpected. I mean, he expected apple but IOno - Chuck Norris doesn't expect the unexpected.
He knows the unexpected.
Rib-Tickling Expect Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about expect you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean prove jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make expect pranks.
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
I got into a big argument with my girlfriend and she screamed, "You're just using me for s**...!"
I replied, "Well what you expect?"
"Love and support!" She shouted in response.
"You're just using me for love and support!" I yelled.
Skip a Day
During an annual physical, a doctor tells his overweight patient, "You need to lose some weight, so try this diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, I expect you will have lost five to ten pounds."
When the man returns, he's lost over 20 pounds. The doctor says. "Great job, did you follow my instructions?"
The man nods "I did, but I thought was going to drop dead every third day."
"From hunger?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her s**... life.
Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the s**... life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning
when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A man comes home really really drunk....
...clenching a bouquet of flowers.
He goes to the bedroom, turns on the light and in a slurry voice he says:
"Here ya go honey, these are for you.."
To which his wife angrily replies; "Oh well that's great, I guess now you expect me to spread my legs?"
The man looks at the bouquet, then back at his wife and says:
"Why, you don't have a vase?"
Now that Benedict XVI is out of work...
...like all good celebs, he's releasing a fragrance. Expect to see Popepourri on the shelves this summer.
So there's a fly...
and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"
There are 10 types of people.
Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who did not expect this to a base 3 joke.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
A wife says to her husband
... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"
Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair"
A bearded guy
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
blond joke
A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
My wife doesn't think I'm a good man...
My wife doesn't think I'm a good man because I'm always pushing her around and talking behind her back but what does she expect?, she's in a wheelchair.
My boss recently fired me...
So, my boss recently fired me and he sent me an email that read "I did not want to fire you, but I had to. You were slacking on every project I assigned to you and you get too easily distracted. Please stop by and pick up your things, OK? I expect to see that your office is empty by Saturday."
I then realized how much OK resembled a stick-man.
My favorite joke from The Sopranos
A man comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "What? Do you expect me to spread my legs for you now?" says the wife. The husband replies, "honey, I love you, but i think a vase will work just fine."
Credit to Uncle Jun.
The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with m**....
They expect the trial to last 30 days
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Handed over by an eastern european immigrant who doesn't care what happens to it or expect to see it again.
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...
James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,
"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "
"Do you expect me to talk? "
"No, Mr Bond, I expect you to dye. "
A lion offspring asked his dad "What is a world series?"
"I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"
Who's your daddy?
A father's daughter brought home her prospective fiancee
It was the first time he'd met him and he took the opportunity to quiz him a bit
"So, what do you do for a living?" he asked
"I have no job" he replied
"Really? Well how do you expect to provide for my daughter?"
"God will provide, I'm sure" was the answer from the intended
"And how exactly will he do that then?"
"God is merciful and will ensure we do not want" he said with all sincerity
"And how about if you have kids? Who looks after you then?"
"God will ensure he provides bounty for the whole family"
"OK, so you say, but exactly how will God provide this?"
"I don't know yet. God will move in his own mysterious ways"
At this point, the father gives up and leaves the house fuming, heading straight for the bar. there he meets his friend Dave who asks,
"What's up friend? You seem troubled"
"Well, I've just met my girl's new fiancé"
"Oh man, bad news?"
"Well, on the plus side, he does at least seem to think I'm God..."
I would never expect to get a penny from a dollar machine.
It just doesn't make cents.
A John gets c**... from a 10$ h**......
he goes back to complain, and the h**... tells him "what did you expect for 10$, lobster?"
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas
The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
Two bugs are having a conversation...
A fly asks a small bug on its back "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
The small bug replies, "I mite be."
The fly says, "Stupidest pun I ever heard."
The small bug replies, "What do you expect? I just made it up on the fly!"
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!
People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting
I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.
A man goes to a $3 h**...
He contracted c**....
When he goes back to complain, the h**... laughs and says, "What do you expect for $3, a lobster?"
s**... with a weatherman must s**....
Always telling you to expect 8-12 inches,
only to find out it's not even 4.
Breaking news
This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest. An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin. So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that number to climb.
(ROGUE ONE SPOILER) So the nickname...
Throughout the movie, you see Galen calls Jyn his stardust, I thought it was pretty cute.
I just didn't expect it to be so literal though.
I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job...
but when I got home all of the signs were there.
The bible purposely leaves out the decade of Jesus' life in his 20s because he was clearly a ladies man...
I mean, he can turn water into wine, and was well hung. What do you expect!
It's been a week since my wife went missing.
The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin.
A nun asks another
What would you do if someone with bad intentions gets ahold of you?
Nun: I would lift up my dress
Other Nun: Oh my! What would you do then?
Nun: I would ask him to put his pants down
Other Nun: Wow. I didn't expect this from you. What would you do after?
Nun: I would run away. I bet I can run faster lifting my skirt than he can with his pants down.
Not quite what she was expecting...
Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher.
I don't understand why people do all of these marathons for cancer
If I was to do one, I would expect a trophy, not a life threatening disease
Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.
His wife was really angry.
She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday
Another blonde joke...
A blonde was speeding on a highway when a policeman pulled her over.
The policeman walks up to the blonde and say "excuse me ma'am can I see your driving license and registration."
The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away and then today you expect me to show it to you."
James Bond gets called into M's office
M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.
Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!
M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.
Hello and welcome to Pessimism club.
Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.
An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman
After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.
She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"
My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now, and the doctor told me to expect the worst.
So I had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.
Had to bury my mother-in-law today and I must admit, it was quite a shocking experience…
I didn't expect her to scream for as long as she did…
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
Jon Snows going to feel itchy during the GOT season finale!
What else would you expect with aunts in your pants?
You can't fool me. I know chicken fried rice isn't real.
You expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice?
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!
A blonde gets pulled over for speeding.
Cop: "You were speeding, can I see your license?"
Blonde: "Of course not!"
Cop: "Why is that?"
Blonde: "You just took it away from me yesterday, and now you expect me to show it to you!"
In Art Class...
Teacher: Why did you submit a blank sheet?
Student: That's a cow in the field.
Teacher: Field? Where's the grass?
Student: The cow ate it.
Teacher: Then, where's the cow?
Student: There's no grass left, you expect it to stay there..?
I found my first grey p**... hair today
I just didn't expect it to be in my Big Mac
I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks
Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes
I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.
A man wanted to prove to his wife that he loved her more than s**......
so he bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. I suppose now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread , said the wife. Why? asked the husband, Don't we have a vase?
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job
Apparently they don't expect you to say s**... mistakes and inappropriate comments.
Mother-in-law
Oh, I didn't expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn't it your mother-in-law's f**... today?
Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.
Newsflash! A small, 2-seat aircraft crashed in a graveyard in Poland.
Rescuers have found 115 dead so far and expect to find hundreds more as they continue digging.
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
I just got diagnosed as colour blind!
I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!
A woman gets on a double decker bus.
She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.
The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says but airy up there ma'am
To which she replies, what'd you expect, feathers?
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,
Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.
What do you get when the people elect a narcissist as president?
A narcissistic president. What did you people expect?
I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...
"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."
I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...
She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"
I said " you don't have a vase?"
-Tahir Bilgic
I accidentally started a worldwide t**... organization.
I just didn't expect it to blow up so much
I took some flowers home for my wife
When I gave them to her she said: "Do you expect me to now open my legs?"
I said: "Why? Do we not have a vase?"
So a guy buys a $5 h**........
They have s**... and the next day the guys realizes he has c**.... The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund
The h**... goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"
A guys house gets robbed
A guys house gets robbed. All the thief took was every single lamp in the house. You'd expect the house owner to be mad. But no. He was quite delighted.
Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
"This coffee tastes like dirt!"
"What did you expect, it was ground this morning!"
If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.
Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:
If you're arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
Diabetes.
Did you really expect me to make a pie joke on my cake day? No, you get diabetes. All of them at the same time.
Hey, bug on my back, asked a fly. Are you a mite?
I mite be, giggled the mite.
The fly groaned. That's the worst joke I've ever heard!
Well, what did you expect? said the mite. I came up with it on the fly.
