Expecting Baby Jokes
50 expecting baby jokes and hilarious expecting baby puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about expecting baby that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Expecting Baby Short Jokes
Short expecting baby jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The expecting baby humour may include short expecting mom jokes also.
- My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
- I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby" Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper
- On a historic day like today I expected more dead baby jokes Guess I will have to travel out of state to find those too
- My wife and I are expecting a child and I hope someone grabs her arm in public to talk about the baby. That way I can say, "Hey! Leggo of my preggo!"
- My wife and I weren't really expecting a baby, and then BAM!... One smacks right into the windshield.
- Me and my girlfriend always wanted a baby. We tried really hard, but nothing worked. We finally got one when we expected it the least! BAM, over the whole windshield.
- "Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!" Says the woman.
But her wife was not happy. - My wife and I are expecting a baby, and we want to give it a unique name that no one would ever think to use. We're leaning towards "Bixby" if it's a boy, and "Cortana" if it's a girl
- Kim and Kanye expecting another baby.... say they will name it something normal.
Congratulations, Something Normal West. - A couple expecting a baby meet their doctor for the first time Doc: I'm gonna deliver the baby
Mom: Actually, we'd like to keep the liver.
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Expecting Baby One Liners
Which expecting baby one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with expecting baby? I can suggest the ones about expecting mother and baby delivery.
- what do you call a mountain expecting a baby ? Mountain Due
- What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up? A baby shower
- What did the baby eating cannibals say in the hospital to the expectant mothers? Fetus!!!
- My wife's expecting a baby... She has no idea it's jewellery!
- The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Expecting Baby Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about expecting baby you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean expectant mother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make expecting baby pranks.
Kid to a pregnant girl at bus stop: "What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got s**... by a Transformer!"
Dead Baby Jokes?
A mother who has just given birth waits expectantly for the nurse to return so she can hold her baby. A few minutes pass, and the nurse enters with the baby in her hands. The nurse then drops the baby on the ground, stomps on it's head and kicks it out of the window. The mother starts screaming 'My baby, my baby!!'
The nurse looks at the lady and says 'April Fools! He was already dead!'
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a r**...!"
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Heard this one 20 years ago in India
At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital s**..., more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace.
"In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."
Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee."
No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes.
Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back.
Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had s**... congress may stand!"
"Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"
One day an elderly Chinese grandfather gets a phone call from his son
"Come quick, I'm about to be a dad!" says the son.
So the grandfather rushes down to the hospital to see his daughter-in-law going into labour.
"It's twins!" says the son excitedly.
After many moments of screaming and pushing, the son is holding a beautiful Chinese boy.
"What a handsome boy!" says the son proudly. The father can't help but agree as he admires his first grandchild. The wife prepares to deliver the second child as the first baby is laid down in a crib.
After more agonising shouts and clenches, the son is holding a beautiful African boy.
"Well, it's not what I expected" says the surprised son, "but he is still a handsome boy."
The grandfather, however, grabs the African baby and runs to the bathroom.
"Dad! What are you doing?!" the son exclaims.
The grandfather opens the lid of the toilet and dumps the baby inside.
"Son," he says, "ancient Chinese proverb been told in family for many generation..."
He pushes the flush button and says "If it yellow, let it mellow..."
Some of my favorite SFW jokes
Some of my personal favorite ones:
A snail gets mugged by a gang of turtles. When the police show up and ask what happened the snail say " I don't know, it happened so fast..."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver say "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her "The driver just insulted me!" The man say, "you go right up there and tell him off--I'll hold your monkey for you."
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules...so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error he sent the e mail to somewhere in Houston. A widow had just returned home from her husband's f**.... He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor and couldn't imagine what happened to her until he looked up at the computer screen and read...
TO: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: January 12, 2008.
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here!!
And finally,
A man goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a small bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a box of the finest Cuban cigars. On the seat is the latest copy of p**.... Finally, the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on the my side."
Whose point is it anyway?
A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he picked up the umbrella, shot the bear, and killed it."
The man said, "Impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear."
The doctor said, "My point exactly!"
Rabbi's w**...-bang
The Rabbi and his wife were expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the congregation, "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God,' but when we get too much we wear rubbers!"
The man in the pool
A fat man hops into a swimming pool with lots of women. One woman says to him that this is a lady's class and that he is not welcome to join. The man gets of the pool and forms a plan, that night he shaves his chest,buys a woman's swimsuit and a wig. The man returns the next day and hops into the pool again looking like a woman, one of the lady's turns to him and says how are you? The man says fine. The lady then asks are you expecting soon as she points to his belly? He reply's yes I am. The woman says well in that case i think i see the baby's leg poking out of your swimsuit.
What?
I took my neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Wong to the Hospital for the imminent birth of their new Baby. When the Baby was born, it was Caucasian. What's wrong with that, you might ask? Two Wongs don't make a White.
(groans expected......and justified)
A Transformer Baby!
Few Kids and a pregnant lady was standing at Bus stop..
kid: "What are you expecting?"
The girl says, "A bus."
The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got s**... by a Transformer
My wife and I weren't expecting a baby...
...then BAM!
One smacked right into our car's windscreen
There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby...
... so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
A 96 year old man...
After marrying a beautiful young woman, a 96 year old man informed his doctor that he and his new wife were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "An absentminded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he accidentally brought his umbrella on the trip. When he was in the woods, a bear charged him unexpectedly. The man whipped out his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"That's impossible!" the elderly man exclaimed. "Someone else shot the bear."
"My point exactly," the doctor replied.
A few jokes for programmers
Programmer: My wife is expecting a baby in 6 weeks!
Friend: Is it a boy or a girl?
Programmer: Yes.
There are only 10 kinds of people in the world,
Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who expected this to be in base 3
There are only 10 kinds of people in this world,
Those who know hexadecimal, and F the rest
I don't know why my two Chinese friends expected their baby to be caucasian.
Everyone knows
Two Wongs don't make a white.
Question about baby expert Dr. Spock
Given that Dr. Benjamin Spock was one of the leading experts in pregnancy and early childhood, having written a famous book (BABY & CHILD CARE) for expecting & new mothers on taking care of their babies...
Would it be correct to call Dr. Spock a Mother-FAQer?
I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks
Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes
I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.
An expecting couple is buying party supplies.
The cashier asks What's the occasion?
Oh, We are having our baby shower, says the wife.
That's pretty impressive, says the cashier. My wife and I still have to bathe ours.
My wife and I are expecting a baby, and I keep telling her that I don't care whether it's a boy or a girl
as long as its a healthy boy.
A blond, brunette and redhead are sitting in the gynaes rooms
So the blond asks the redhead. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl.
To which the redhead replied. Yes it's a boy.
Confused, the blond asked why. Because when we conceived we were doing it m**... style .
So, she asked the brunette. Do you know what baby you are expecting ? She replied yes it's a girl because when we conceived I was on top
To which the blond immediately started crying and saying
My God, I am getting puppies
Three expectant mothers
Are in the doctors waiting room knitting. The first takes a pill and the other two look over at her "iron so baby will be nice and healthy" she tells the other two. Not to be out done the second takes one too "calcium so baby grows up strong". The last also takes one "thalidomide, because I've not learnt how to knit arms yet"
Three expectant mothers are in a doctors waiting room...
They are sitting there quietly knitting jumpers for their babies. After a while they start to chat, and ask each other what supplements they are taking for their babies. The first says "I'm taking calcium so my baby has strong teeth and bones". The second says "I'm taking Vitamin B so my baby grows tall and strong". The third says "I'm taking thalidomide". Horrified the other two mothers ask her "Why on earth are you taking that?". She says "Because I can't knit sleeves".
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a n**...!
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
A Man and is Wife are Expecting a Baby.
He finally gets the call while at work and starts driving to the hospital. As he gets closer, he gets more and more anxious, thinking about the baby, his wife, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. But as he's driving he hits a curb. The car's springs break, jutting through the floor and impaling him through the legs with twisted steel and aluminum. He can tell he's losing a lot of blood, so he calls his wife and tells her what's going on. She hangs up and says to the nurse, "my husband is so sweet, he just called me to say 'the suspension is killing me!'"
The blind date
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm meeting my blind date here tonight," he tells the bartender. "She's the sister of one of my friends. All he told me was that she was blonde and is expecting a baby." "Well," the bartender replies. "That explains why you're sitting here in just a diaper."
To sum up healthcare in America
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.
A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200."
Things to expect when you're expecting
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a bit, his cellphone rings and he answers it to hear his pregnant wife on the line out of breath and panting loudly. "Where are you!" she moans. "I'm down at the bar," the guy replies. "I think the baby is coming!" she gasps. "Well he won't get in," the guy says. "He's underage."
Man with half an orange for a head
A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story:
"When I was a young man I travelled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes.
'Really?' I said. 'Anything?'
'Anything,' said the genie.
'Okay,' I said. 'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.'
'Granted,' said the genie."
"Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?"
"Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues.
"For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
"Bullshit," says the bartender.
The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?"
The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?"
The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey.
"What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward.
"For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange."