Expected Jokes

What are some Expected jokes?

The creator of winrar is arrested

His trial is expected to last forever

Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke

Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?

Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.

Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.

Me: Did you give it back?

Wife: ...

I went to the National Air and Space Museum in DC...

There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected

Today is International Women's Day.

It was supposed to be yesterday, but they took longer than expected to get dressed.

Met a microbiologist this morning

He was bigger than I expected.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food...

I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.

At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!

Shut up and eat what you're told.

Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!

Shut up and keep swimming.

Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Honestly, I'm scarred.

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.

12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

I got gas today for $1.49.

I couldn't believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don't know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.

Socrates on jokes...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?

Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.

Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had intercourse.

I bought a girl flowers and she thought I expected something in return...

She said "oh, so you just expect me to go in the bedroom and lie on the bed with me legs up?"

I said " you don't have a vase?"

-Tahir Bilgic

A young man in the 60's goes to pick up his date

Her dad opens the door and invites him in.

After exchanging pleasantries, her father learns he's taking her to a dance.

Her dad says "Wow! How exciting. Now there's one thing you should know. My daughter loves to screw. She would screw all night if she could."

The young man's eyes light up, as his night will be going better than expected.

His date comes down shortly after, and with a big smile he takes her to the dance.

An hour later, the front door slams and the girl marches up to her dad and yells "DAMNIT DAD! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

A man is in critical condition for swallowing 250,000 dollars in large bills.

No change is expected.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician

Old Soviet man goes for Rations...

An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.

"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is bullshit!"

The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."

The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"

He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."

A woman is in bed with a man she shouldn't be with

Her husband is away on a business trip. Suddenly she hears the sound of the front door opening, her husband is back earlier than she expected.

"Quick! Hide in the bathroom!", she says to the man in her bed, he scampers off quickly.

The husband walks into the bedroom and sees his wife naked. Thinking on her feet she says "You must have had a long journey, come to bed and make love to me."

"That sounds great, I'll just have a quick shower, let me pop to the bathroom."

He opens the door and is confronted with a man, barefoot to the neck, looking into the distance, clapping with his arms outstretched.

The husband asks "Who are you?"

"From the council", the man replied, "your wife phoned us up and said you had a moth problem"

"But you're not wearing any clothes?!"

The man suddenly looked down at his naked body and looking shocked he exclaimed: "The bastards!"

An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...

Vet Friend of mine just sent this:

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.

When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!


Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...

Just announced, they are making a movie based on Tetris...

Apparently it was due to start filming this year but writing the script was taking longer than expected as every time they finished a line it would disappear.

The bear and the rabbit

A rabbit is minding his own business when a random bear comes and treat ens to eat the rabbit. The bear chases the rabbit until they find a magic lamp and they decide to rub it together. The expected gene appears and let's them both have 3 wishes each. The bear goes first and says " I wish for all the other bears in the forest to be females" and it was done. The rabbit then wishes for a lifetime supply of carrots at his house and it is granted. The bear then says " I want all the other bears in the country to be female" and it is granted. The rabbit's second wish is for a rabbit sized motorcycle and it is granted. Now the bear very confused about why the rabbit is wishing for such small things says " And for my last wish, I want all the other bears in the world to be female!". The gene grants the wish. The rabbit then says with a smile on his face "I wish that bear was gay." then drives off in his motorcycle.

Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.

Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.

Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.

Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.

I went to see Don Quixote at the theater yesterday and there was a short break in the middle of the play.

We didn't know it would happen, no one expected the Spanish intermission.

The weather suggests that turnout will be in Roy Moore's favor today.

It is expected to dip into the teens.

My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and observed as she meticulously folded two marbles into a small piece of cloth. Then, using a needle and thread, she stitched the folded cloth between the legs of a newly assembled Tickle-Me Elmo doll. Then she placed the finished doll into a bin for packaging. The foreman quietly watched with a growing expression of puzzlement on his face as Edna repeated this process several times.

Finally, the Foreman's eyes lit up with understanding. He placed his hand on her shoulder and said "No, Edna. I told you to give each doll two... test... tickles."

I collected a lot of data trying to disprove observation bias.

The results were exactly what I expected.

I'm a Latino nurse and while I was doing my rounds, one of the surgeons burst out of the operating room and told me to help finish the operation. I cut the patient's organ on the wrong spot but luckily I miscalculated and saved their life. No one thought I could do it and I shocked them all.

Nobody expected the Spanish missed incision.

Old jews telling jokes

Two old Jews Shmuel and Moshe are walking down the street and see a sign outside of a church that says:
"Jews, come let us save your soul! Convert and we will give you $50!"

Shmuel and Moshe look at each other, amused by such mishegas, and plot that Moshe should go in, listen to their schtick, and then they can share the money. Shmuel waits for much longer than he expected, he is waiting outside for hours. At last, Moshe comes out and Shmuel says:

"Finally! I at least hope you got the $50 after all that."
Moshe says, "What *is* it about you people and money?"

The Lord of the Manor

The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:

"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking."

The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the watch and says:

"We've been here for three hours, and he still ain't showed up."

"Jeez," the other hitman says, "I hope nothing happened to him."

Air tragedy in Newfoundland...

A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.

Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.

I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job...

but when I got home all of the signs were there.

My parents always expected perfect grades.

I wish they had just let me B.

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

Almost got fired today for filling out a requisition form in Spanish.

No one expected it.

A New Yorker visits a Texan

The Texan shows the New Yorker around his place. "Howd'ya like it?", he asks.

"It's not bad", answers the New Yorker, "but I'll be honest, I expected you Texans to have larger places. The living room's too small, the master bedroom is small too, there is only one bathroom, and there isn't even a balcony."

"Hold your horses!" says the Texan. "We haven't even gotten outta the elevator yet!"

I just found out that a gay friend of mine is OCD

He was the last person I expected to get upset about something not being straight.

Jewish man calls his mom. "Mama, I have good news and bad news..."

Mother, ever the optimist: "Give me the bad news."

Man: "I can't live a lie anymore. I'm gay."

Mother, a traditional conservative woman, after the wailing and the gnashing of teeth that was expected of her by her son, regains her composure and asks: "Well, what's the good news?"

Man: "So I met this nice Jewish doctor..."

The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.

The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off."

The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"

The California businessman

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.

Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "What do you mean wrong hole?"

To quote my late father...

"Traffic is heavier than I expected."

I've always said I don't care what color our president is...

I never expected it to be orange though

A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.

"President's Day."

"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.

Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we get another year of bullshit."

Awesome Reporting of the Accident

A car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim. The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

Me and my girlfriend always wanted a baby. We tried really hard, but nothing worked. We finally got one when we expected it the least!

BAM, over the whole windshield.

WEATHER MONEY

Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

A: Because she expected some change in the weather.

Moms be like...

A man received two sweaters for Christmas from his mother.

The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.

As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile...

she said,

"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up?

A baby shower

BREAKING NEWS: A small, four-seater Cessna has crashed into the Smithville cemetery...

Emergency crews have recovered 236 bodies so far, with more expected as rescue efforts continue into tomorrow.

You've had a bad day but...

The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.


The flesh eating virus barely touched your other arm.


Imagine what would have happened if your ex-wife had a *good* lawyer.


The fertility drugs worked 4 times better than expected.


The insurance company said they will pay the full book value of $455 for your 1966 Corvette.


At least the operation was partially successful.


Don't worry about who the real father is, your son's chances of getting a full scholarship just increased significantly!

Have you heard that the weather forecast in Alabama now favors Roy Moore?

It's expected to dip into the teens

I call my Missus's mimsy 'The Tardis'

Not because it's bigger inside than I expected. It's just that she's had several dozen companions and at least one dog in there.

I tried to be politically correct for the holidays this year

but "Caucasian Christmas" proved considerably harder to sing than I expected...

A few jokes for programmers

Programmer: My wife is expecting a baby in 6 weeks!

Friend: Is it a boy or a girl?

Programmer: Yes.



There are only 10 kinds of people in the world,

Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who expected this to be in base 3


There are only 10 kinds of people in this world,

Those who know hexadecimal, and F the rest

Why do the special needs kids never get in trouble for being late to class?

They're expected to be a little tardy...

A pious man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.



He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"



The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

I guess some things will never change...

I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave.
Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is $400 a week.
"I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied,
"With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."

Can't rely on emails!

A man goes away on business. He emails his wife from the road and says he'll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the whole situation to the bartender.
Well, why don't you call her and talk to her. Maybe there is an explanation for all of this.
The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man? The wife calmly responds, Because I just got around to checking my email.

String of Cheese Jokes

Hear about the French cheese factory that exploded the other day? DeBrie everywhere.

They think it might be an insurance scam by the owner though he's a bit mental, painted his wife the other day! He Double Gloucester.

He even tried to start up a new business making clothes out of cheese. Didn't go as well as expected, turns out fromage frays.

Decided to go into the business of making boats in his attic. Sails are through the roof!

If you can't afford to get your wisdom teeth removed...

Try crystal meth, it really is a miracle drug.

*disclaimer: may remove more teeth than expected.

Hanukkah joke

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.

As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, 'Aaron, what's the matter? You didn't like the other one?'

The magician then performed a hat trick.

Nobody had expected him to be that great a bowler though.

Comcast opens an airline.

The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you're charged per mile.

What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.

Job Opportunity for Flat Earthers

Because of the recent Arctic cold snap. Delta Airlines has been hiring de-icers in their Atlanta hub for the expected crowds at SuperBowl. Most of the jobs have been going to Flat Earthers, because by definition, they don't believe in *Global* Warming but are fine with Plane Warming.

It took a lot of courage but I finally told my girlfriend I couldn't see her anymore.

And of course, just as I expected, she nagged about me always misplacing my glasses.

How to make Expected jokes?

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