expected Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious expected stories

What are the best Expected puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Expected? Well here is a complete list of Expected dad jokes:

At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!

Shut up and eat what you're told.

Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!

Shut up and keep swimming.

Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Honestly, I'm scarred.

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Marital Secret

After thirty years of marriage, an Italian woman addressed her husband one evening.
'For thirty years I've done everything you expected and asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years together I wish to ask two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.'
'What are they?' asked the husband.
'My love, you always picka your nose,' replied the wife, 'and I wish you would not do that.'
'And the other thing?' enquired the husband.
'Whenever we have sex, always you are on top and I would really like to be on top of you sometimes.'
'Well my dear' said the husband. 'I have tried, as you have, to make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the words of your father when we were first married. He said only two things to me. First he said, "Now you marry my daughter make sure you always keep your nose clean." And second, he said, "Don't fuck up."

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Socrates on jokes...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.

Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.

Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?

Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.

Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?

Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.

Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had intercourse.

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A man is in critical condition for swallowing 250,000 dollars in large bills.

No change is expected.

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Today I learned that I can make an ice cube melt just by concentrating on it and thinking ''Melt.''

I have to admit that it takes a lot longer than I expected.

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The Lord of the Manor

The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Reginald Carpley. The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for her infidelity.

With thunder in his voice, he reminded her that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship then turned his wrath on his supposed friend:

"And as for you Reggie -- you might at least have the decency to stop while I'm talking."

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The California businessman

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening.

Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Californian joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "What do you mean wrong hole?"

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Damn kids.

So during dinner my daughter said she looks just like mommy. She's 5.

Anyway it reminded me of when I was a kid so I had to tell a little story.

Me: when day was younger your uncle and I looked like twins. Whenever anyone would say we looked alike I'd tell them, "either he's blessed or I'm cursed."

She's pretty bright so I expected her to take a second and laugh. Instead she deadpans me with, "you're cursed."

She won that round...

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the wife wanted to give a special birthday present to his husband...

... who happened to be a big Brigitte Bardot fan. As you might know, Brigitte Bardot is universally known as BB, so the woman carefully paints a big B in each of her buttocks, and just before the expected arrival of the husband, she positions herself in all fours, her generous ass directly pointing at the door. A key sound, and the husband enters the house. A short silence follows, then he asks:

-Bob? Who is Bob?

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A pious man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.



He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"



The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

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I just completed a jigsaw of a penis in under five minutes.

I expected it to be harder.

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So I went to the doctor.....[OC]

I went to a new doctor for my annual exam. I expected him to cup my balls and ask me to cough. He didn't.

I asked him, "Aren't you supposed to do the balls and the cough thing?"

"No, I don't do that."

"Well, my other doctor did."

"I don't."

"Aw, c'mon. It was my favourite part."

"Look, this is making me uncomfortable. I don't think i want you as a patient any more. Good day, Sir. The nurse will show you to the door."

So now I have to find a different eye surgeon.

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What to NEVER EVER EVER say to a fat girl (or a girl who is overly conscious of her own weight). (OC)

As part of our team,

you're expected to pull your own weight.

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'Expect the unexpected'

Now that would make the unexpected the expected, but since the expected is being expected, then that would mean it wasn't the unexpected, so what the fuck do we expect?

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I expected a medal for my bravery when I had a full-leg cast on.

Instead, I got atrophy.

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My friend went to a party as the Spanish Inquisition...

Nobody expected him

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A Jewish family returns home from having desert

It took them longer than expected because they got lost.
When they reached the house, they observed that it was burning.
The father exclaims "Oy vey, I missed a call."

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An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...

Vet Friend of mine just sent this:

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

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The 3 Wishes

A man is walking in a forest and he comes across a golden lamp. Knowing what to expect, he rubs it. As he expected, out pops a genie.

"Hello!" the genie says. "In return for letting me out, you get three wishes."

The man has been waiting for this day since his childhood and replies: "I want a million more wishes!"

The genie sighs. "Rule Number 1: no asking for more wishes," he says.

The man considers this, looking sad. Then his face brightens and he says, "I want a million more genies!"

The genie sighs and says, "Dammit."

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Apple's CEO Tim Cook has announced he is gay.

Samsung's CEO is expected to announce tomorrow he is waaay gayer.

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What did the virgin say to his friend after he met George W. Bush?

I never expected bush to be so hairy.

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A man gets a sex change

Finally when the doctor gives the okay for sex, she goes to a bar intending to screw the first guy she sees. Her plan goes smoother than expected, as the first guy she saw had a similar plan for her. Pretty soon things are getting hot and heavy.

She breaks it off for a second. "Before we really get going, I think you should know I'm trans"

He replies, "Well, let me take a look downstairs then."

Shyly, she pulls up her skirt and slips aside her panties. The man takes a look and exclaims, "I could never have sex with such a total pussy!"

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Have a jewish friend who likes to make drinks.

I have a Jewish friend who likes to make drinks. Hebrews them.

Sorry if you expected a Jewish world war 2 joke, but I'm burnt out on those.

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Went to a meeting for cat addicts last night.

More nuns than I expected.

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Your best misleading jokes!

The other day I saw a post that went: why aren't there any casinos in Africa?

Too many cheetahs.

When I told ppl this joke they expected a really racist joke, but pleasantly surprised how clean it was. I was wondering what other jokes y'all had like this.

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Three men lost in a jungle

Three men get lost in a jungle, and get captured by a group of tribesmen. When they are presented to the chieftain, he tells them to go out into the jungle and find ten of any fruit of their choice.

After a while, the first man returns with a bundle of apples. The chieftain tells him that if he is able to put all ten apples in his bum without changing expression then he will be allowed to live.

As expected, he cannot get past the first one without crying out in pain. He is sent away to await his death.

The second man soon returns with grapes, and the chieftain makes him the same offer. The man gets all the way to the 9th before bursting out laughing. He too is sent away to await death.

Alone in a room together, the first man asks the second, "why did you laugh? You were so close!" to which the second man says, "I couldn't help it! I saw the third guy coming with pineapples!

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I work retail IT, I'm used to stupid people doing stupid things.

So when a gentleman came in angry at his computer I really hadn't expected much.

"What seems to be the problem?" I asked
"I'm trying to change my computer's password" He replied, "I'm trying to use 'penis' but it keeps saying it's too short"

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This blizzard in NYC was just like my boyfriends penis

lees than expected

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Co-worker sends an email regarding eye exam...

CW1: I'm at the eye doctor for my annual exam. It's taking a little longer than I expected, so I may be a few minutes late getting to the office.

Me: I am Slightly rephrasing it for CW1 -- Eye am at the I doctor for my annual exam. It's taking a little longer than eye expected, so eye may be a few minutes late getting to the office :)

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My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and observed as she meticulously folded two marbles into a small piece of cloth. Then, using a needle and thread, she stitched the folded cloth between the legs of a newly assembled Tickle-Me Elmo doll. Then she placed the finished doll into a bin for packaging. The foreman quietly watched with a growing expression of puzzlement on his face as Edna repeated this process several times.

Finally, the Foreman's eyes lit up with understanding. He placed his hand on her shoulder and said "No, Edna. I told you to give each doll two... test... tickles."

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So he whipped it out there and then in the office. An older man, but not without his charms....

HUGE it was, biggest I'd ever seen. Asked me where I wanted it, I say I'll take it in the bum, that's how I'm used to it. He sticks it in, does the business. Over before you know it.

Not as bad as I expected, I guess I am used to that sort of thing after all these years but it bled a bit afterwards. He said that was quite normal with this sort of thing.

So that was my yearly, intrasmuscular Hayfever injection. Kenelog.

What the fuck did you think I was talking about? Dirty bastard.

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Denise and what?!

A Jamaican women goes into labour for her expected twins. After delivering a healthy boy and girl she is so exhausted she passes out.

Some time later she wakes and asks the nurse to see her children so she can name them. The nurse replied saying that the women's brother had come in and named them.

The woman expecting the worse asked what her permanently high brother had named her children.

The nurse replied 'well he called the girl Denise'

Surprised the woman said 'that's quite nice, I didn't expect that from him!' she then hesitantly asked 'what about my son?'

'Denephew' the nurse grinned.

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A young Pastor visit lady at nursing home.

A young pastor was nervous about his first visit to te old folks home. He was going to visit a long time member of the church. He goes in to her room and cant keep his hands still. he sees she has a bowl of peanuts, so he take a few as he talks to keep his nervousness down. It goes better than he expected. As he is about to leave notices he has eaten all the peanut. So he apologies to hew about eating the all. She tells him it is ok, cause she has already sucked off all the chocolate.

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The bear and the rabbit

A rabbit is minding his own business when a random bear comes and treat ens to eat the rabbit. The bear chases the rabbit until they find a magic lamp and they decide to rub it together. The expected gene appears and let's them both have 3 wishes each. The bear goes first and says " I wish for all the other bears in the forest to be females" and it was done. The rabbit then wishes for a lifetime supply of carrots at his house and it is granted. The bear then says " I want all the other bears in the country to be female" and it is granted. The rabbit's second wish is for a rabbit sized motorcycle and it is granted. Now the bear very confused about why the rabbit is wishing for such small things says " And for my last wish, I want all the other bears in the world to be female!". The gene grants the wish. The rabbit then says with a smile on his face "I wish that bear was gay." then drives off in his motorcycle.

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A jewish couple from Israel moves to the US...

... And their neighbours (an american family) start noticing that the couple do everything that the family does because they want to fit in.
If they start trimming the hedges, the couple start trimming the hedges.
If they eat dinner outside, the couple eats dinner outside.
The family doesn't think much of it since the neighbours are friendly and are just trying to fit in.

Then one day the dad in the family decides to go out and wash their car with the hose.
And as expected not long after the jewish man comes out to his car.
Except he has a saw and he starts sawing in the front end of the car.
"What the hell are you doing?" the dad asks.
"Hey! You baptise your car. I circumcise mine!"

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Roger and Jenny on their wedding night . . .

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'

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So two straight guys go to see Twilight...

Not sure what else you expected in the body. The joke is the headline.

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one customer. The director was disappointed with the boy and said he already had sellers today who had done much better than him. The manager asked the boy how much the sale was worth, and the boy answered "$93,100.25". The manager was very confused and asked the boy what he had sold.

The boy: "I started off with a $0.25 fish hook which got him looking at the fishing poles. I set him up with the $100 bait master and asked him where he was gonna fish, I told him about that great lake down south but told him he'd need a car with all wheel drive to make it up the rough terrain so we got him into the $33,000 SUV we had on the lot, when he asked about boat rentals I thought I had lost him, but I ended up selling him the $60,000 riverking pro to top it off."

The manager steps back in disbelief and says "Wow, you sold that all to a guy who came in for a fish hook?

"No" the boy said "The customer came in and told he had to buy tampons for his wife. I simply told him the weekend was already wrecked so he might as well go on a fishing trip"

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The Clairvoyant Bum (this happened to me in N.O.L.A.)

a homeless man walked up to me, and I expected the typical panhandling "gimme money" kind of line. He says "I bet you 5 dollars I know where you got those shoes." indicating with a knobby finger my fresh new Vans. I knew he wouldn't give me 5 dollars when i won this wager, but considering there was no way he knew my home town or venue of my recent purchase, i couldn't resist tempting him for the answer. "alright then, where?" The man responded through a crooked smile and jankety teeth "You got yo shoes, on yo feet. Gimme my 5 dollars!" i obliged

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best expected jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 39 puns about expected. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty expected gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these expected jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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