Expectations Jokes
74 expectations jokes and hilarious expectations puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about expectations that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
A humorous take on the theme of expectations--from unmet anticipation to protagonists that subvert the traditional definition. Enjoy these jokes and let go of your expectations!
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Funniest Expectations Short Jokes
Short expectations jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The expectations humour may include short anticipation jokes also.
- People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
- Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!' and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
- Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I'm dropping pounds Only two, but still more than anyone expected.
- During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
- Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women's bodies. Women's heads are much harder to put back on in real life.
- My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
- My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised. Nobody expects the spanish Acquisition
- A wife says to her husband ... "I don't like you pushing me around all the time and talking behind my back"
Husband say "Well honey what do you expect you're in a wheelchair" - I went to the National Air and Space museum in DC... There was a lot more stuff in there than I'd expected
- Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME. As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
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Expectations One Liners
Which expectations one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with expectations? I can suggest the ones about expect the unexpected and unexpected.
- I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield, Sir Prise.
- The creator of winrar is arrested His trial is expected to last forever
- I think my cats are communists They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.
- Democracy in Russia I bet you were expecting more.
- I saw a microbiologist today He was much bigger than I expected
- Met a microbiologist this morning He was bigger than I expected.
- Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man
- I borrowed money from a pessimist because he doesn't expect me to pay him back
- When I met the Rock, he seemed quite shy. I expected him to be a little bolder.
- I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard. I expect a long sentence.
- My dad always said, "I before E expect after C". Society taught me otherwise.
- Yeah Tinder is great and all But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?
- A woman walks into a bar Bartender says, "That's funny, I was expecting a guy"
- What goes down but never goes up? My parents expectations of me
- Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years That's mean
Great Expectations Jokes
Here is a list of funny great expectations jokes and even better great expectations puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money
- It's a great time to date a Rams fan.. They are used to disappointment and aren't expecting a ring.
- I was reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I hoped it would be.
- Hello and welcome to Pessimism club. Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.
- I just started watching Great Expectations on Hulu. It's not as good as I was hoping it would be.
- You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe. Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.
- Given what's going on in the world, I don't have Great Expectations. I got the other Dickens' books though.
- I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.
- The magician then performed a hat trick. Nobody had expected him to be that great a bowler though.
- What did the North Korean coach say to the figure skater before her competition? We expect great execution.
What did the coach say after a poor performance?
We expect great execution.
Uproarious Expectations Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about expectations you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean intentions jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make expectations pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
So there's a fly...
and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"
Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.
*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*
A bearded guy
A bearded, middle-eastern guy boards a plane. As soon as he enters he shouts "hijack!". All the passengers are scared to death. Some start crying. Then a white guy from the back stands up and says "oh hi Ahmed, didn't expect to see you here.."
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas
The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man comes home from work...
A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.
She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"
He replies "Well she was lying on the table, n**..., and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"
"Perform the autopsy."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
What's in a name?
A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."
My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.
"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.
"No," she replied.
"Then why did you buy so much bread?"
I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."
So here goes:
Walk forwards.
Turn left.
Pasteurization.
Our first born is 9 months old and I got to make my first Dad Joke
Wife: Have you noticed he feels a little warm?
Me: Yes, but he is teething, so that is to be expected. He seems to be feeling ok.
Wife: Well I took his temperature just now.
Me: Did you give it back?
Wife: ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my first grey p**... hair today
I just didn't expect it to be in my Big Mac
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
James Bond is laid off
James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant
"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "
An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.
"First child?" Asks another father
"No" replies the first.
"Well then why are you so anxious?"
"When my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."
"That's amazing." says the second Man
"Yes" replies the first "but she just finished reading 'Birth of a Nation'.
My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged
She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During my job interview I was asked: After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries
Apparently through high voltage n**... c**... wasn't the answer they were expecting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best s**... in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.
Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat.
You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?
C'mon, you know the rules!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
Diabetes.
Did you really expect me to make a pie joke on my cake day? No, you get diabetes. All of them at the same time.
Hey, bug on my back, asked a fly. Are you a mite?
I mite be, giggled the mite.
The fly groaned. That's the worst joke I've ever heard!
Well, what did you expect? said the mite. I came up with it on the fly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.
She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams it closed. As she's walking back to the house, the guy says,
"Not to be nosy, but are you expecting an important package?"
The blonde answers, "No! It's my d**... computer! It keeps telling me I have mail!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do the election results take so long?
It's a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Should've been more specific
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p**....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
What do you get if you eat 3.14 desserts?
You probably get Fat.
What? were you expecting a pi joke?
Not on my cake day!
President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.
Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.
The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.
Biden and Obrador were confused and gave the Irish President a Zoom call. "We kinda expected you to give out free Guiness, being from Ireland and all"
The Irish President replied: "Well, if you guys aren't giving out beer, then neither am I."
For past 10 years my wife has been complaining to me about not putting the cap back on the toothpaste...
On our anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.
For a week I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.
I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.
Finally, last night she turned and looked at me and said:
Why did you stop brushing your teeth ?? !!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by n**...
The n**... had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The n**... aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The n**... turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the n**....
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the n**... turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the n**... aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn
A couple of years ago, I was staying at a tiny Spanish Inn when I started to feel ill. Needing a doctor, I rang reception who said they'd get the hotel doctor to visit. I was rather surprised that such a small place would have a house doctor, and was just telling the manager this when my room door burst open and in leapt a man yelling "Nobody expects the Spanish Inn physician!"
A priest is walking around looking for the supermarket.
He sees a drug addict sitting on the ground and asks him for directions.
The addict shows him the way and goes back to his spot on the ground.
The priest starts to head his way but his heart goes out to the poor man so he returns to him.
"Young man I see that you are struggling, let me help you find your way to heaven"
The addict looks him up and down and says "Dude, you couldn't find the supermarket! You expect me to follow you to heaven?"
Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...
...grow up to fast
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of the said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....
Man with half an orange for a head
A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story:
"When I was a young man I travelled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes.
'Really?' I said. 'Anything?'
'Anything,' said the genie.
'Okay,' I said. 'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.'
'Granted,' said the genie."
"Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?"
"Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues.
"For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
"Bullshit," says the bartender.
The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?"
The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?"
The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey.
"What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward.
"For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange."
