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Exit Only Jokes

144 exit only jokes and hilarious exit only puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about exit only that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Exit Only Short Jokes

Short exit only jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The exit only humour may include short exit jokes also.

  1. A Store Manager asked me to move a Kia that was blocking an exit... I told him, "I would, but that's not my Forte."
  2. There was a fire in a yodelling school. Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
  3. Y'all ever heard of reverse exorcism? It's when the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body
  4. My wife told me she would leave me if I didn't stop pointing out ways to exit a room. I said, "OK, there's the door"
  5. My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace. After a few hours I finally found the exit.
  6. What do you do when there's a deer next to you, a lion is chasing you, and a pony flees from you? Exit the carousel and avoid further alcohol.
  7. What did the bishop say after they redid the vestibule with black and white tiles? "It looks nice but now I can only enter and exit diagonally "
  8. So i went to the record shop and asked the assistant 'What have you got by the Doors? " He said "An exit sign and a fire bucket"
  9. I don't understand why people are so exited about Halloween People have been wearing masks for more than half a year now
  10. The ladder A man was trapped in a burning building and a firefighter yelled through the window, "You have two possible exit points, this ladder or the stairs." The man chose the latter. He died.

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Exit Only One Liners

Which exit only one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with exit only? I can suggest the ones about exit sign and fire exit.

  1. What do you call a bee hive with no exit? Un-bee-leave-able
  2. What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds? Exit the european Union.
  3. I've been using Vim for 5 years... Mainly because I don't know how to exit it
  4. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-leave-able.
  5. What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable
  6. How do you know you're getting old? When you exit a museum, you trigger the alarm.
  7. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter
  8. I am so exited. Only one more lock-down till Christmas.
  9. I always go the extra mile... because I always miss the exit on the freeway.
  10. How did Rey exit out of her glitching web browser? Force quit.
  11. How is the letter C like a road hazard on the freeway? It makes exiting exciting.
  12. Shakespeare walks into a bar [Exit, pursued by a bear]
  13. Custom made Exit signs are all the rage these days. But I think they are on the way out.
  14. Put you best exiting lines here. I'll start: Gonna make like a baby, and head out.
  15. Exit signs... ...are on the way out...

Exit Only Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about exit only you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean quitting jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make exit only pranks.

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance. Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

What do you call the bit between the entrance and exit of Nandos?

The peri perineum.

You're American when...

(if you're not American, feel free to replace it with whatever you are)
After drinking a ton of liquids you go to the bathroom. You're American before you enter the restroom, and you're American after you exit the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
European

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

I went to the zoo..

When I got to the zoo I saw there weren't many people at all, just me in fact, and there were only a few workers. I walked around for a while and saw nothing. On my way to the exit I asked one of the workers what was up. He directed me to the far corner of the zoo, this whole zoo, as vast as it was only had one animal. It was a shitzu.

A Chemist, a Biologist, and a Mathematician...

Were sitting on a bench in front of a hotel, and see two people enter, then three people exit. The Chemist claims that they must have been an error in the initial measurements, the biologist says they must have procreated, thus creating another person, the mathematician states that if one more person enters the building, the building would then be empty.

Exit signs.

They are on their way out.

May I have a piece of gum?

Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."

So a rich Blonde is...

Flying over the Everglades when her private jet has a malfunction and crashes.
Having survived the c**... she graps her designer bag, puts on her $1000 shoes and stumbles over to the exit where the captain is opening the door.
taking one look over the wild swamp outside she first looks desidedly unhappy but to the captains surprise she then lightens up, turns to him and smiles.
"Oh, Well. at least they got rescue boats from LaCoste"

A pious woman was possessed by a d**...

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the d**.... As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"
She was repossessed.

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."
The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."
The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."
The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"
The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."
The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**..., it's been sore for days."
The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

A billionaire goes for a drive

... and his Rolls Royce pulls up next to a stoplight, and he notices someone on the side of the road picking grass and eating it. He orders his driver to turn right, and park on the side of the road next to the man. He exits the vehicle and walks up to the man, and asks him, "sir, why are you eating grass?" The man says, "I am hungry, and have no money to eat with, so all I have to eat is grass." The billionaire says to the man, "well then, come with me to my mansion and I'll feed you." The man replies with, "I have children, and a wife." The billionaire replies with, "that's fine, bring them too." The man replies with, "we also live with my brother in law, his wife, and his kids." The billionaire replies, "Bring them all, I'll send to have them picked up." The man asks the billionaire, "why sir are you so kind to us?" The billionaire replies with, "my last lawn crew quit, and the grass in the front acre is nearly 2ft tall."

How do you know when someone is gluten free?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.
"Exit stage right...."

Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz?

Because the exit doors were coin operated.

I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.

I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.

What did Michael Jackson say when he stubbed his toe?

Ow!
I'll be making my exit now. :)

If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and American when you exit the bathroom, what are you while you're IN the bathroom?

European.

A man grows tired of his relationship with his wife

On their 25th anniversary, the man planned a vacation trip.
Man: Let's go on a vacation, just the two of us.
Wife: (gets exited) Really? Where are we going?
Man: How about an adventure in the jungles of Africa?
Wife: That would be really nice! What about on our 50th?
Man: I'll come back for you.

Slightly adapted for translation

A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:
-Do you have rifles?
-No.
-Do you have shotguns?
-No.
-Pistols?
-No.
Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he runs in and confronts the seller:
-What do you have against black people?!
-Rifles, shotguns, pistols...

Two men were lost in a desert...

Dehydrated and dying, the men see a mirage of hundreds and hundreds of tents up ahead. As they get closer, they realize it's not a mirage, but a huge market.
The men stagger into the marketplace, begging everyone around for water, but the first few tents sell only jelly.
Moving on into the market, the men beg and plead for water but the next tents only sell cake.
As the men move forward they're surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of tents selling icecream only, with no water in sight.
The men finally exit the cluster of tents still dehydrated, and dying.
The first man turns to the other and says, "Is it just me, or was that really odd?"
The other man replies, "Yeah. It WAS a trifle bazaar..."

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.
The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 
The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"
Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

Why was the British guy stuck in a roundabout?

He could not decide to take the exit or not.

You know the 'Done' button you press to exit a video?

How come it only sounds judgy and sarcastic after I've finished jacking off?

I'm usually exited for winter...

But then I get cold feet.

Caesar comes across a problem

During Julis Caesar's campaigns against the Germanic tribes, he came across never before seen weather, it came crashing down on the men and stalled exit of the most recently conquered villages.
Amazed by this, he asks one of the local what it is.
"Hail, Caesar" The man replies.

3 Steps to being a good Programmer

1. Avoid recursion
2. Repeat steps 1 and 2.
3. Always have an exit condition.
4. Beware of being off by one.

Exit signs are all the rage these days

But I think they're on the way out

So she texts: Do you want to see something exiting?

Me: Yes, of course!
Anddd she left the chat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!?

Am I a kitchen or an exit?

Three guys were found trespassing in the city lake

They were put on trial and the judge called them in one by one
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 1: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 1 exits, Man 2 comes in
Judge: What were you doing in the lake after 9 pm?
Man 2: Your honor, I was blowing bubbles.
Man 2 exits, Man 3 comes in
Judge: Dont tell me you were blowing bubbles too.
Man 3: No sir my name is Bubbles

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a mathematician look at a church...

They watch as two people enter the church. Later, three people exit.
"A wonder!", shouts the philosopher.
The physicist just says: "Nah, there must be a b**... somewhere."
The philosopher nods, satisfied with the explanation.
Suddenly, the mathematician says: "Hey! If one of us goes in there, then there's no one inside!"

Arsene Wenger to be named new Brexit Minister.

Since he led arsenal to another quick European exit.

We've got a new opening that you are qualified for!

Really? What is it?!
The exit.

LPT: Always wait for the taxi driver to exit the car first if you have luggage in the trunk

Then jump in the driver's seat and steal the car

Fire exits

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
-Mitch Hedberg

What did the exit of the s**... bank say?

"Thanks for coming"

Carl opened a zoo.

Carl opened a zoo and made the entry fee $60. No one turned up.
Carl made the entry fee $30. Yet again, no one turned up.
So, Carl made the zoo free to enter, soon enough, it was full.
Carl shut the gates, released the lions, and made the exit fee $60.

An old man is walking through a crowded cafeteria...

Blocking the exit is a man with 14 children.
The old man scowls and makes his way through the children, but his metal cane hits some of the childrens' legs as well as the man's legs.
The man angrily says "Hey, could you put some rubber on that tip of yours! You're bangin' us up!"
The old man haughtily replies "If you had done that before then we wouldn't be in this situation!"

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

A guy standing in a bus looked at a girl, she looked back

Then he smiled... She smiled back
He winked... She winked back
He gave her a sign to leave on the next stop
She got up and exited the bus. He took her seat.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

So my boss told me to take the highroad.

So I told him I must have missed the exit due to heavy construction on the road of life.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, he gets the giraffe drunk and the giraffe passes out, as the man walks towards the exit to leave, the bartender says
"Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there"
The man replies "that's not a lion that's a giraffe"
And he walks out the door.

A resourceful woman...

A woman gets into a very busy restaurant around lunch time.
She is told the next available table would be free in an hour.
She holds her phone to her ear, and with a loud voice says:
"*Honey, you won't believe it, but your husband is having lunch with his girlfriend at so-and-so restaurant*"
Half the diners instantly get up and rush to the exit..

I opened the fire exit door for my boss.

Sadly, there wasn't a fire on the other side.

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a m**... overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,
"I was really methed up at the time"

Valentines Night Surprise.

My Wife was all exited when I told her that I had booked a table for Two for Valentines Night, I just hopes she likes Snooker.

A nun is leaving church one evening.....

A nun is leaving church one winter evening after mass. As she exits she sees two alter boys laying in the snow completely n**.... The nun approaches the boys and says "Dear lord! What are u boys doing out here n**... in the snow?" One of the boys looks up at her and says,
"Father John likes to have a couple cold ones after mass"

Funniest joke I've ever heard

A Soviet judge exits a courthouse after a trial. He is laughing hysterically as a friend greets him.
The friend asks, "Why are you laughing?"
The judge answers, "I think I just heard the funniest joke I've ever heard."
The friend says, "Come on, tell it to me."
The judge says, "I can't. I just sent someone to the Gulag for it!!"

William Shakespeare walks into a gay bar.

*Exit pursued by a bear.*

A Blonde and a Brunette are on an elevator...

The doors open before their stop and a gentleman gets on. A few floors later the doors open and the gentleman exits. When the doors shut,
Brunette - He needed some Head & Shoulders.
After a few seconds.
Blonde - How do you give shoulders?

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

I was robbing a shop last week in Alabama

When I heard a loud speaker "Its the police, we have all the exits covered, so come out with your hands up "....
I escaped through the entrance. Not too bright, Americans

Why did Neymar make a quick exit at the world cup in Russia?

He heard divers were needed in Thailand

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.

Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?
The desk clerk says, Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?
The person says, Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it.

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*
Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken
Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas
Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken
Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car another time?

Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.

Two men exit a bar.

Man 1: Wait! I forgot to go to the bathroom!
Man 2: Don't worry, I'll teach you.

Mary's boyfriend called Mary on her birthday...

Mary - m boyfriend - b
b: hey honey
m: hey
b:do you remember that mall we went to last month?
m : yes?
b : and you saw a jewelry shop there?
m : yes?
b : and you really wanted that ring?
m (starting to get a bit exited) : yes?
b : but we didn't get it cause we couldn't afford it back then?
m (getting really exited) : yes?
b : well, there's a MacDonald's in front of it, you want some nuggets?

One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town

He t**... his horse and entered a saloon
When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing
The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."
The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse.
As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked,
"Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"
The cowboy responded,
"I had to walk home."
P.S. Sorry

Exit signs!

They're on the way out

I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.

"I have a boyfriend!"

Why can't orphan exit out of an app

He can't find home

I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it. Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle. When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed. Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.
I just never saw what the big dill was.

Forgive me Father for I have Sinned

A teenage boy goes to confession. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've had premarital s**....
The priest says My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O'Toole?
I won't say her name. I don't want her to get in trouble.
Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?
Father, I'm not saying who it was.
He exits the confessional and his friend asks What'd you get?
Ten Hail Mary's, five Our Father's, and three good leads.

A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims why the f*c**... did you do that?!
To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, i'm a panda, look it up... before casually walking out the exit
After finding the relevant chapter the waiter reads:
Panda: Large black and white bear-like mammal; eats, shoots and leaves.