Existence Jokes
100 existence jokes and hilarious existence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about existence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Existence Short Jokes
Short existence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The existence humour may include short presence jokes also.
- Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist... but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
- My girlfriend treats me like God She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
- If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
- I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist and worse… she can prove it.
- My parents treat me like a god they forget I exist until they want me to do something for them
- My teenage son treats me like a god. He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
- My husband and I like to role play in bed... He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.
- Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something
- I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80s bands. There is no cure.
- What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base? One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence.
The other is an Iraqi Army base.
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Existence One Liners
Which existence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with existence? I can suggest the ones about existent and creation.
- Jobs that don't exist anymore 1. Steve
- People treat me like a god They ignore my existence unless they need something
- I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels She didn't know I existed
- My love life is like Santa Claus. It exists thanks to gullible six year olds
- Girls treat me like God They mostly forget I exist until they need help from me.
- If Chuck Norris hadn't existed... chuck norris would have invented him.
- They say that when you die you become closer to God Because you no longer exist
- When you die, you come one step closer to God. You don't exist.
- My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule. Doesn't exist by definition.
- My boyfriend is an atheist and treats me like a goddess He acts like I don't exist.
- What's the most bitter tea in existence? Reality
*cries in the corner* - My girlfriend is godlike Because she doesn't exist
- What do my girlfriend and ethical capitalism have in common? They don't exist
- I hate spheres. Why do they even exist? There's no point.
- You guys know blue doesn't exist in nature? It's just a pigment of your imagination.
Hilarious Existence Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about existence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make existence pranks.
Philosophy final
in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.
"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."
Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.
The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"
His answer: What chair?
This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?
A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.
The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.
The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.
How many blonde jokes exist?
How many blonde jokes exist?
One. This one. The rest are all true.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When Obama made his inaugural speech, they put him behind bulletproof glass.
And that's proof of the racism that still exists in America today. I mean, just because he's black, doesn't mean he was going to go and shoot everybody.
What's the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies
Chairman: How does our potato supply look?
Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.
Chairman: But God does not exist.
Party member: Neither do the potatoes.
My girlfriend and I like to roleplay
She pretends to be a nurse while I pretend she exists.
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?
Gingerly.
Scientists have recently discovered the existence of a mentally unstable microscopic parasite on the moon...
Apparently it's a real lunatic
An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?
Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.
Stereo types exist for a reason.
Because not everyone wants a Sony.
The Best Sean Connery Joke In EXISTENCE!
(Read in Mr. Connery's voice)
Ash I wash walking through my houshe, a book fell on me.
I had only myshelf to blame.
I treat my women like I treat my super cars
I enjoy them a lot and they only exist in my dreams
The United Nations is like a black father
You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .
What does an insomniac, philosopher, atheist, dyslexic do at night?
Lay awake, contemplating the existence of Dog.
What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?
Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI
I can prove that primates don't exist...
Eight divides evenly by 2 or 4.
I am voting for Donald Trump because he will personally end racism in America...
Racism can't exist if everybody's white.
Jesus can walk over water
Jesus can walk over water. I can walk over a cucumber. A cucumber exists of 90% water. This means I'm 90% Jesus.
When i was 5 i thought the rain was god peeing
How silly childish ideas can be...thinking god exists
What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?
They're both dull and pointless.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
Descartes walks into a bar...
The bartender says: "would you like a beer?" Descartes replies: "I think not", and he ceases to exist.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."
There exists a Japanese gentleman with a great power: None of his family or friends can die
He's unbereavable
An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...
...and they saw a £20 note. Who picked it up?
Santa. The other two don't exist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a quarter for every existing gender,
I'd have $0.50 and a bunch of counterfeits
A man offers Descartes $100 to jump in a lake.
Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.
What do you call it when you play Fortnite during the day-time?
A sad depraved existence
The Last Exam
(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.
Don't trust cats
I was talking to this cat who insisted he was the biggest house cat in existence.
Turns out he was lion
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Checkmate atheists
If god doesn't exist, explain how my girlfriend is pregnant when we've never had s**.... Checkmate atheists.
How do you call a musical group consisting of all existing genders?
A duet
Ever since I decided to swap gender my son never notices me…
Honestly he looks right through me and doesn't acknowledge my existence and seems to be frightened when I say something. It's like I'm totally trans-parent
I asked my dad, Can you give me examples of jobs that don't exist anymore?
He said, Steve.
At the beginning of Naruto, the three main characters existed in a 'love square'.
Naruto loves Sakura, Sakura loves Sasuke, Sasuke loves nobody, and nobody loves Naruto.
How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, if they're told the lightbulb doesn't exist, it doesn't need changing
My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.
I told him, "you will be mist".
If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags
Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy
"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"
"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."
"But dad said we came from apes."
"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."
Death does make you closer to God
because now you don't exist either.
A depressed atheist heaves a sigh and tells his friend,
"Sometimes I wish I was god so I didn't exist"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have this theory about my s**... life lately
Actually, it's more of a hypothesis since I have no physical evidence to suggest it even exists.
Schrödinger's cat
There once was a cat in a pickle
Whose life was not worth a nickle
From an electron gun shot
It both was and was not
It's very existence is fickle
Stalin goes to a local wheat farm to see how things are going.
"Mr. Stalin, we have so many wheat bags, that, if piled on top of each other, could reach god himself!" The farmer told Stalin gleefully.
"But god doesn't exist", Stalin Replied.
"Exactly", said the farmer. "neither does the wheat."
Why are there no psychics who enjoy life
Happy mediums don't exist
My wife has left me for another man
All that lies ahead is a miserable, pointless and lonely existence.
And while he's going through that I'll be down the pub every night getting drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
NATO is like a health insurance...
You want to have it before s**... happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.
Before Chuck Norris goes sleep, he checks under his bed for Volodymyr Zelensky.
Tornadoes don't exist, Volodymyr Zelensky just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris jokes but instead of Chuck Norris it's Volodymyr Zelensky.
I have a male to female trans friend who just finished her gender reassignment surgery.
I asked how she felt afterwards and she said...
"I feel hole inside!"
(This joke is not meant to be transphobic, it exists purely for the pun. Trans rights!)
The owners of a 'Happy Days' themed restaurant are being investigated for fraud for paying existing investors with new investors money.
Experts are referring to it as the world first Fonzie Scheme.
Noah and the snakes
According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.
The snakes told Noah We can't multiply, we're adders.
Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.
You might have to be older than me to understand this. People on reddit who are older than me are rare, but they exist.
Someone asked how I would feel if the fine structure constant didn't exist.
My response was, "No Matter".
If I were Bruce Banner's son, the Incredible Hulk wouldn't exist
I'm not angry…I'm just disappointed
Joke I heard on a Russian political discussion show.
Do honest politicians exist?
Of course! But they are the most expensive!
Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.
The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.
The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.
