Exist Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead.

Jobs that don't exist anymore

1. Steve

Girls treat me like God

They mostly forget I exist until they need help from me.

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

They say that when you die you become closer to God

Because you no longer exist

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

When you die, you come one step closer to God.

You don't exist.

My parents treat me like a god

they forget I exist until they want me to do something for them

I thought up a color that doesn't exist...

It's just a pigment of my imagination.

My girlfriend is like the temperature of a molecule.

Doesn't exist by definition.

Israeli tourist

An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...

The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.

The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."

The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm

Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

But God does not exist, replies Stalin.

Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.

Grammar Nazis no longer exist

Their called the Alt-Write now

What do my girlfriend and ethical capitalism have in common?

They don't exist

What do you call a color that doesn't exist?

A pigment of your imagination.

There exists a Japanese gentleman with a great power: None of his family or friends can die

He's unbereavable

An Israeli tourist on a visit to New York City hires a cab to drive him around the sights.

He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.

"Where are you from?" he asks.

"I'm from Palestine" says the cab driver proudly, "and you?"

"I'm from Narnia."

"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.

"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.

An honest politician, a kind lawyer, and Santa were walking down the street...

...and they saw a Β£20 note. Who picked it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

Checkmate atheists

If god doesn't exist, explain how my girlfriend is pregnant when we've never had sex. Checkmate atheists.

You guys know blue doesn't exist in nature?

It's just a pigment of your imagination.

The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies

Chairman: How does our potato supply look?

Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.

Chairman: But God does not exist.

Party member: Neither do the potatoes.

How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?

Gingerly.

Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.

"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."

Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles and hands the teacher his paper and was off.

The teacher, almost sad that the student didn't even try, looked at the sheet of paper and gave the student an "A"

His answer: What chair?

they say a camera adds 5 pounds.

that being the case, do african children even exist?

A man offers Descartes $100 to jump in a lake.

Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.

Because Soviet jokes are on-trend...

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB are competing for the title of the Best Criminal Catcher. They're given a task by the General Secretariat of UN to catch a rabbit in the forest which he'd released. The CIA plants well-trained animal spies throughout the forest, and after 3 months of investigation they conclude the rabbit doesn't exist. The FBI burns down the forest along with the rabbit, and declare that it cannot be helped. When it's KGB's turn, they go into the forest and after 2 hours they come out with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "OK! OK! I give up! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

I am voting for Donald Trump because he will personally end racism in America...

Racism can't exist if everybody's white.

I asked my dad, Can you give me examples of jobs that don't exist anymore?

He said, Steve.

What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?

Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI

Stalin walks into a field

Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!

Stalin: But God does not exist.

Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.

Stereo types exist for a reason.

Because not everyone wants a Sony.

I can prove that primates don't exist...

Eight divides evenly by 2 or 4.

Descartes walks into a bar...

The bartender says: "would you like a beer?" Descartes replies: "I think not", and he ceases to exist.

How many blonde jokes exist?

How many blonde jokes exist?

One. This one. The rest are all true.

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)

A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.

After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.

What chair?

He was the only one to pass the exam.

I treat my women like I treat my super cars

I enjoy them a lot and they only exist in my dreams

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,

"Well, how was it for you?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

What's the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?

It is possible that UFOs exist.

What do my existence and an unsharpened pencil have in common?

They're both dull and pointless.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

She's a ten, but on the other hand, she doesn't exist.

If there is a plastic island the size of Australia in the middle of the ocean,

Then we have nothing to worry about because Australia doesn't exist

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

The Jewish Year is 5776. As of yesterday, the Chinese year is 4714...

That means Jews had to exist for 1,062 years without Chinese Food. They call this time, "The Dark Age."

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

*noun
the view or theory that the self is all that can be known to exist.*

What do elves learn in preschool?

Not the elf-abet, no; they don't learn anything because they don't exist.

A philosopher, mathematician, and accountant were asked what 1+1=?

The philosopher responded, "The idea of 'sameness' is a human construct, so 1+1=2 in the sense that the objects one is adding together are the same in his or her mind. As a simple example, one cannot add together an apple and a monkey, but one apple plus another certainly equals two apples because they are the same."

 

The mathematician responded, "Well, really for numbers to exist, one must actually assume that 1+1=2, then the entire number line can be constructed. It's an axiom."

 

The accountant gave a wry smile and said, "1+1 eh? Well, what do you want it to equal?"

Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow

He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.



'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'


'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'



'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'



'Nor do the Potatoes, Comrade Stalin'

The magic mirror

Some say that there is a magic mirror in a shopping ladies room that could grant any wish if you tell it the truth, but will make you disappear if you lie in front of it.

Once there was a beautiful brunette that found this mirror and said:

- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest brunette on earth!

*puff* and there she ceased of exist.

Then came a heartbreaking redhead and said:

- I've been thinking a lot and I think I'm the hottest redhead on earth!

*puff* and there she goes too.

Then came a blonde, the most pretty girl you can imagine.

- I've been thinking... *puff*

My girlfriend is like root(-1)

She's the one, but does not exist.

My girlfriend smokes a lot, i call her the Dragon

Because she doesn't exist

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead ...

were walking down a street one day when they came across a magic mirror.

The mirror saw them and spoke " I will grant you each a wish if you can say something truthful about yourself. If you lie, you will cease to exist instead ".

The brunette went up and said " I think I am smart ! " *Poof*, she disappears.

The redhead then went up and said " I think I am beautiful ! " *Poof*, she also disappears.

Finally the blonde's turn comes up and she says " I think *Poof* ...

Why can't Jesus eat pizza?

Because he doesn't exist.

Existentialist, nihilist, cynic...

An existentialist, a nihilist and a tired from life cynic walk into a bar. And the bartender says: "Sorry guys, the bar's 18+ only"

Rene Descartes goes to a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger.

The waiter says, "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

Rene Descartes replies, "I think not," and ceases to exist.

Why doesn't the Math professor use the lift?

He wants to prove all floors exist and are real.

Two guys are chatting

When the topic of jobs comes up.

Man 1: "What do you do for a living?"

Man 2: "I hunt down and kill zombies."

Man 1: "That's crazy! Zombies don't exist!"

Man 2: "Have you ever seen a zombie?"

Man 2: "No..."

Man 1: "You're welcome."

A teacher asked in class: How is your dad?

A kid sits up and tries to answer: My dad is a legend for me!
- Why, Billy? asked the teacher.
- Because he doesn't exist!

Christian to an athiest : if god doesn't exist who created the universe

Atheist : well i don't know for sure but it might be just there from the starting

Christian : Don't be stupid god created the universe

Atheist : so who created god

Christian : no one did he was there from the starting
FFFFF

Diets are like ghosts.

They might exist, but I wouldn't know.

RenΓ© Descartes is sitting in a restaraunt

when the waiter approaches and asks "Would you like some wine?"

"I think not" said Descartes.

Then he ceases to exist.

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins?

The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

Migraines don't exist.

It's all in your head.

"Hey. Did you know I'm a zombie hunter?"

"What? Zombies don't exist."

"You're welcome."

How many existentialists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Two, one to change the light-bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.

This is courtesy of Spencer Reid.(CM)

My girlfriend laughed at me for having an existential crisis at 17.

Jokes on her. She doesn't even exist!

I call my friends Dodo birds

Because they don't exist.

Why did the existential nihilist cross the road?

Who cares.

My English teacher is living proof that Grammar Nazis still exist.

Sorry... Alt-Write.

What kind of knots only exist in space?

Astro-knots.

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

Schrodinger had a girlfriend but he was afraid to look at her because she might snap into a state where she didn't exist.

And don't even get me started on the double slit.

My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.

That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.

My current girlfriend is very similar to my last one...

For instance, neither of them exist.

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Whats the most obvious feature shared by a leprechaun and a sober Irishman?

Neither exist.

If there existed a masseuse who hated woman

Would he be called a Massogynist

Things that didn't exist the last time England were in the semis

iPhone

Facebook

Google

Amazon

Android

Twitter

Instagram

iPod

Yahoo

YouTube

Snapchat

Spotify

Tesla

Skype

Uber

Airbnb

Bitcoin

Fitbit

Emojis

iPad

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Croatia

'Time is certainly a very complex topic in physics, and there are people who believe that time does not actually exist. One common argument they use is that Einstein proved that everything is relative, so time is irrelevant'.

I said boldly to my boss! But he still fired me for being 3 hours late.

So I was talking to a Christian mother

We were talking and she said "I tell my kids Santa doesn't exist, I don't want them to believe in stuff that isn't real."

What are the funniest exist jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Exist? Well, here are the best Exist puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Exist pick up lines to share with friends.

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