Exercise Jokes

What are some Exercise jokes?

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.

*[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*

What kind of exercise did Jesus do?

Crossfit

They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one?

Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

My mom told me that I objectify women.

When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend I said "it didn't work out." She said "be more specific." I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."

Tips to reduce weight…
First turn your head to the right and then to the left.

Repeat this exercise whenever your offered something to eat!

I exercise religiously

I go to the gym for an hour on Sunday morning and then don't think about it again for the rest of the week.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

The punchline is trivial and is left as an exercise to the reader

Secret to Long Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

What exercise does Ned Flanders do at the gym?

Diddly squat

My favourite exercise

is a cross between a crunch and a lunge... it's called lunch.

What was Jesus Christ's least favorite form of exercise?

Cross fit.

How did Jesus exercise?

Crossfit

I've finally treated myself to one of those new exercise smartwatches.

So far I've wanked 15 miles

I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

Apparently, exercise improves your decision making.

It's true. After going to the gym today I've decided I'm never going again.

I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick!

Exercise

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

How do you get rid of an obese demon?

You exercise it.

Yesterday at yoga

Yesterday at yoga, the instructor told us to make a flower shape by putting our hands together. She kept saying to take deep breaths and focus on our flowers. Towards the end of the exercise she told us to smell our flowers and just say out loud what our flowers smelt like. I don't think she appreciated it when I said Vaseline and shame.

9 year old told me this today. My favorite exercise is a mix between a crunch and a lunge...

It's called lunch. Dad, I'm hungry.

When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes...

...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

Johnny finally makes it to college...

On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.

First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"

The professor says "Good Kyle! I like the way you think.

Next she calls on Suzie who says "I feel something flat and coarse. It's paper!"

The professor says "Good Suzie! I like the way you think."

Finally she calls on Johnny. He sticks his hand in his pocket with a creepy smile and says "Teacher, I feel something round, hard, and it has a head on it.

The professor interrupts him shouting "Johnny, That's disgusting!"

He replies, "No teacher it's a quarter, but I like the way you think."

We've got an aviary at home, Sadly one of our birds of prey will only exercise at night to 80's music.

Our Kestrel Manoeuvres In The Dark

How to lose weight easy

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

Who's your daddy?

A roleplay exercise in Alabama, a serious question in Detroit.

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.

During a recent study, almost 95% of participants preferred exercise to sex.

Because they all ran away when I offered.

I never thought I'd be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

A mathematician walks into a bar

The rest of the joke is trivial and is left to the student as an exercise.

My friend just bought a self-pedaling exercise bike..

I hope it works out for him.

What does seven days without exercise make?

One weak!

Military Humor

I had to translate. You can help me fix it.


Lieutenant Colonel to Major:
There is a total solar eclipse coming tomorrow at 9am, which does not happen every day. Assemble all soldiers on exercise field, I will provide explanation. In the event of rain, since we won't be able to see it anyway, assemble everyone in the gymnasium.


Major to Captain:
Per Colonel's order, tomorrow at 9am there will be ceremonial solar eclipse. If there is a need for rain, Lieutenant Colonel will give a separate order in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Captain to Lieutenant:
Per Colonel's order tomorrow at 9am there will be solar eclipse. In the event of rain the solar eclipse will occur in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Lieutenant to Sergeant:
Tomorrow at 9am Colonel will perform solar eclipse in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day.


Sergeant to Corporal:
"Tomorrow at 9am there will be eclipsing of Colonel because of the sun. If it is raining in the gymnasium, which does not happen every day, assemble all soldiers on the exercise field.


Two privates talking to each other:
Seems it will rain tomorrow. The sun will eclipse Colonel in the gymnasium. I wonder why it does not happen every day.

Story of my life

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Attempted to exercise this morning.

Didn't work out.

A mother asks her son how things are going with his girlfriend. He replies, "It didn't work out."

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that," says his mother. "What happened?"

The son looks confused.

"Huh? I just told you. She didn't exercise enough."

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I've got 200 squatters!

Obesity runs in my family.

An obese woman goes to the doctor. The doctor prescribes diet and exercise. The woman says, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese. My father is obese. My sister is obese. My brother is obese. My aunts are obese. Obesity runs in my family. " The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

A reporter is interveiwing the worlds oldest man.

She ask him "how have you manged to live so long?"

The man replies "it's simple, I never argue with people."

The reporter says "surely there's something more to it? Diet? Exercise? Something?"

The man thinks for a moment and then says "if you say so..."

Best exercise to lose a few pounds...

So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days. He calls it the "Brexit".

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

What is the dairy farmer's favorite exercise?

Calf Raises.

What is a lazy persons favourite exercise routine?

Diddly squat.

What is Jesus' favorite exercise routine?

Crossfit.

What is Jesus's favourite way to exercise?

Cross fit!

Finally got in to an exercise routine and I've lost over 100 pounds!!

I'm from England, and exercise equipment is pretty expensive.

Why is it better to exercise in the morning?

You can finish the workout before your brain realizes what it's doing.

The only things Americans exercise

Is their freedom of speech

So a 400 pound lady walks into a gas station to get directions..

she walks in and says "How do I get to 280?"

A man steps out of line and replies "I guess diet and exercise didn't work!"

A daily exercise routine..

..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise, so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

"It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, "To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

"Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

What kind of exercise does Ned Flanders like to do?

Diddily-squats.

PLEASE HELP! i need some shoe related jokes.

yes that's right. if anyone can give me some jokes related to shoes it would be greatly appreciated. would be an added bonus if they could somehow be related to exercise as well.

thanks in advance
lots of love from dwek

What is a zombie's favorite exercise?

Undeadlifts.

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

Once you've mastered being a surgeon...

... operating just become an exercise in patients.

I exercise religiously.

I was on the treadmill earlier praying that it would stop.

A man writing in his diary:

I am an ideal man. I don't smoke, drink, or go to night clubs. I have always been loyal to my wife and don't flirt with strange women. I sleep at eight o'clock and wake up early. I exercise daily and work regular hours. But all this will change as soon as I get out of prison.

What was Jesus's least favourite exercise class?

Pontius Pilates.

An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...

They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100.

"What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!"

"We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist.

"Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

Kegels are a good exercise

they make you stronger as a hole

I'm naming my new exercise regime 'Brexit'.

It's the quickest way to lose pounds.

Why do Americans weight lift in tank tops?

Because they like to exercise their right to bare arms.

What is an earthquake's favorite exercise?

The shake weight.

My girlfriend told me that our relationship is NOT exercise.

She said this isn't working out .

A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-

Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your lookingΒ  so fit and young?'

Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day.Β 
I drink 4-5 bottles of vodka daily,and I am a serious drug-addict.Β 
And I hate doing exercise or Yoga.
Whenever I see someone going to gym or playground,I feel sick for them.Β 

That's all I do'

Β Man(Extremely shocked and impressed)-'WOW Sir.That's unbelievable. By the way how old are you?'

Old man-'I will turn 25 this month'

How do college students exercise?

By swimming in their debt.

Sunday is Go Topless day but I'm not going to let it distract me...

I plan to go to the park and exercise hard

A priest entered the bedroom of a possessed boy with nothing but a treadmill and weights

Surprised, the boy's family gave the priest a strange look. He turned to the family, a bit confused himself, and said "I'm here to exercise the demons, right?"

I heard Cardi B has a sister who does a lot of exercise..

Her name is Cardi O

What is Bigfoots favorite exercise?

Sasquats.

What kind of exercise did the ancient Romans do?

Pontius Pilates

The only thing I enjoy about morning exercise

Is that it doesn't concern me

An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise...

She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.

Trump did a better job getting people to exercise in 1 month than Michelle Obama did in 8 years

Look at all those protesters on the streets!

I had to stop lifting balloons as a form of exercise.

It wasn't really working out.

Exercise can add years to your life.

This enables you, at 95 years, to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7,000 a month.

An obese woman goes the the doctor.

The doctor attempts to suggest diet and exercise. The woman responds, "Doctor, you don't understand. My mother is obese, my sister is obese, my brother is obese, my cousins are obese. Obesity runs in my family." She doctor thinks for a second and responds, "It sounds like no one runs in your family."

What's a butt's favorite exercise?

High Knees

How to make Exercise jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Exercise to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Exercise? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Exercise pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes