Executive Jokes

68 executive jokes and hilarious executive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about executive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Executive Short Jokes

Short executive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The executive humour may include short president jokes also.

  1. Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man... Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...
  2. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
  3. Why did the EA executive cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out!
    Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!
  4. I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the harry potter franchise. He was a poorly executed character.
  5. I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but... I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.
  6. I really loved the Harry Potter books. But the Gryffindor ghost, "Nearly Headless Nick" has always annoyed me. I think it's because he really was poorly executed.
  7. My joke about capital punishment got downvoted. I guess it was great concept, poor execution.
  8. How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
  9. Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics? She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.
  10. A Comedian in Russia. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

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Executive One Liners

Which executive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with executive? I can suggest the ones about secretary and company president.

  1. The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick is that he is a poorly-executed character
  2. Please don't make jokes about crucifixion. Unless you really nail the execution.
  3. Jokes about murderers aren't funny. Unless they're executed properly, that is.
  4. A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
  5. Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.
  6. What do you get when you cross henry viii and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.
  7. A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is... ... a stainless steal.
  8. Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good? It's all about the Execution
  9. Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution
  10. Serial killer jokes are ok If they're executed properly
  11. I won't believe corporations are people Until Texas executes one.
  12. What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution.
  13. 5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World Number 1 will shock you
  14. Why are North Korean jokes so good? They have great execution
  15. The guillotine was decent in theory But amazing in execution.

Executive Order Jokes

Here is a list of funny executive order jokes and even better executive order puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • David Byrne gets elected as U.S. president. His first act is to issue an executive order to the U.S. Mint.
    To stop making cents.
  • As a wine enthusiast, I am appalled by Trump's recent executive orders. What right does he have to ban sommeliers from entering this country?
  • Why did the captain execute the pastry chef? Because his orders were to shoot all desserters.
  • First Executive Order: All pornstars must now be blonde.
  • What is the difference between Islamic militant camp and a school? I don't know, I just sign the executive orders.
  • Can we please start referring to POTUS executive orders as... The #TanCommandments?
  • Oompa Loopa Doopity Doo Here's an executive order for you...
  • Order 66 ... If the citizens of Star Wars used Base 66 Numbers, Palpatine would have said:
    > Execute the Order of Magnitude!
  • Trump Executive Order #16 Trump: From now on, 2+2 will equal 5.
    Reuters: But that can't be right, 2+2=4. We proved that, too!
    Trump: You can say 2+2=4, but this is alternative math.
  • Barack Obama is planning to tighten gun purchase loopholes by executive order this week. Republicans are already planning to shoot it down.
Executive joke, Barack Obama is planning to tighten gun purchase loopholes by executive order this week.

Hilarious Fun Executive Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about executive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean supervisor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make executive pranks.

What's the best part of an ISIS joke?

The Execution.
Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.

A m**..., sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the m**.... Will you hold my hand?

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone.

Number 3 will shock you.

What's the difference between Muslim and a t**...?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.
I'll be here all week.

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.

The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"

Two prisoners are on death row

And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."

A m**... is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!

A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by n**...

The n**... had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The n**... aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The n**... turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the n**....
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the n**... turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the n**... aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".

A m**... was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replied the m**.... "Would you hold my hand?"

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'

Most characters in the Harry Potter series were represented well in their transition from book to movie;

But Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.

A heist goes wrong and the hostages are on the verge of being executed.

The nervous gunman makes some small talk with the hostages and asks a woman her name.
"Martha." she replies. The gunman is taken aback, and says "Martha.. that was my mother's name. I can't kill you. Go, run to the exit and don't look back."
After the woman is rescued by the police outside, he turns to a man and asks him his name.
"Martha." he replies.

To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

I Was in Russia a few weeks ago

And I was watching a stand up comedian making jokes about Putin. To be honest I didnt really care for the jokes, but I liked the execution.

Executive joke, I Was in Russia a few weeks ago

jokes about executive