Execution Jokes
117 execution jokes and hilarious execution puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about execution that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you a fan of Danganronpa? Check out this article to get some laughs from a set of execution jokes involving murderers and enforcement. You won't want to miss out on these hilarious jokes!
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Funniest Execution Short Jokes
Short execution jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The execution humour may include short execute jokes also.
- Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man... Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...
- I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
- Why did the EA executive cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass! - I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the harry potter franchise. He was a poorly executed character.
- I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but... I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.
- I really loved the Harry Potter books. But the Gryffindor ghost, "Nearly Headless Nick" has always annoyed me. I think it's because he really was poorly executed.
- My joke about capital punishment got downvoted. I guess it was great concept, poor execution.
- How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard.
- Did you see that gymnast from North Korea in the Olympics? She didn't win gold but her execution was flawless.
- A Comedian in Russia. I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
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Execution One Liners
Which execution one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with execution? I can suggest the ones about operation and performance.
- The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick is that he is a poorly-executed character
- Please don't make jokes about crucifixion. Unless you really nail the execution.
- Jokes about murderers aren't funny. Unless they're executed properly, that is.
- A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
- Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.
- What do you get when you cross henry viii and Vlad the Impaler? Executed.
- A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is... ... a stainless steal.
- Why are North Korean Figure Skaters so good? It's all about the Execution
- Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution
- Serial killer jokes are ok If they're executed properly
- I won't believe corporations are people Until Texas executes one.
- What makes an ISIS joke funny? The execution.
- 5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World Number 1 will shock you
- Why are North Korean jokes so good? They have great execution
- The guillotine was decent in theory But amazing in execution.
Hilarious Execution Jokes to Make Your Friends Roar with Laughter
What funny jokes about execution you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean expression jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make execution pranks.
A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.
The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Four old guys go golfing...
And they start bragging about their sons.
The first says "My son is a lawyer, and he is doing so well, he just gave his friend a new car!"
The second says "My son is a doctor, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new boat!"
The third guy says "My son is an executive, and he is doing so well he just bought his friend a new house!"
The fourth guy says "Well, my son is a stripper at a gay club, but he must be doing pretty well because he just got a new car, a new boat, and a new house..."
Car company executives must have the best memories in the world
because GM recalls everything.
firing squad
Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a p**..., are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the p**.... He looks around and shouts "Fire!"
So I was sentenced to death by hanging...
but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
Why did the police beat the black man after he was executed in the electric chair?
He was resisting.
The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.
One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up the redhead. Ready, aim."Tornado!" and she escapes. Then they bring the blonde up. By that time the blonde has caught on. Ready aim, and she shouts "Fire"!
What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?
Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.
I have no problem with Capital Punishment in theory....
I just have problems with its execution.
Did you see that documentary about the death penalty?
Tired concept, great execution.
Joke Time 2
To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
What's the best part of an ISIS joke?
The Execution.
Hehe...get it? No? Fine I'll be-heading off now.
3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad
The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"
The priest, laywer, and engineer
By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.
They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.
Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."
A good comedian is like a good dictatorship.
Consistent in their execution.
What's the most important part of a t**... joke?
The execution. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I once saw a skit about public hanging
It had brilliant execution.
They say you can't tell a funny joke about terrorism, but you can.
It's all in the execution.
Jokes are sort of like Middle Eastern policies.
Some are decent, but it's really the execution that counts.
So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:
Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet
A m**..., sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the m**.... Will you hold my hand?
It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...
Jesus was a repost.
Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.
"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.
"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."
And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."
I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone.
Number 3 will shock you.
What's the difference between Muslim and a t**...?
I don't know, I just sign executive orders.
I'll be here all week.
Donald Trump gets executed
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
There was three pilots...
Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "b**... run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".
During the French Revolution a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer were facing execution on the guillotine.
The doctor was first, but the blade jammed and the doctor was set free due to Divine Intervention.
The lawyer was next, again the blade jammed, and was also set free.
As the engineer was being led to his doom, he glanced up at the blade and said Wait a minute! I think I see the problem…
A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...
Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.
The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled g**.... The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.
The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"
What do oppressive regimes and modern CPUs have in common?
Speculative execution
Inmates on death row should have prison ID's ending in .EXE
Because, eventually, they are all executable.
Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party
Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...
Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. There, it's safe to drink now , he said....
It's been past your eyes
He's been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.
I really love Harry Potter, but after re-reading the deathday party, I realized something about Nearly Headless Nick...
He was a very poorly executed character.
A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.
Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"
A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each
The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.
My friend was a violent serial killer...
Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.
Fast-forward to day of execution.
Guard straps him in.
Guard: "Any last requests?"
Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"
Guard: "The electric current is going to be started now, what happens next will shock you"
Two prisoners are on death row
And the day of their execution has come.
The warden turns the first prisoner and asks, "Any last requests?"
"I'd really like to hear the Macarena one last time," he replies.
The warden nods. "Very well. And you?"
he asks the second prisoner.
"Kill me first."
A m**... is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.
The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.
Last Request
Two convicts who were about to be executed, The warden says to the first one, 'Do you have a last request?'
The convict says, 'Yes, I'd like to hear the song Achy Breaky Heart one last time.'The Warden says, 'OK, I think we can arrange that.' Then he says to the second convict, 'How about you?' The second convict says, 'Yeah, kill me first.'
I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...
So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.
What is the most important part of jokes about the French revolution?
The execution
A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.
The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest was let go.
Next up was the fisherman. Seeing what had happened with the priest, he also prayed to God to have his life spared. Once again, the guillotine failed, and the fisherman was let go.
Finally came the engineer. He spends his last moments looking at the guillotine. Oh, I see the problem...
I once tried to make a joke about a botched lethal injection...
...but the execution failed.
A man's last meal
So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?
Strawberries he responds.
But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring
Eh. I'll wait
A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.
The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn't fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.
The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn't fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.
The engineer puts his head into the path of the blade, but the blade still doesn't fall. He looks up and says, Oh. I see your problem.
I like the Harry Potter books and movies but
I think the character of Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.
On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.
Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.
They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.
So, they let him go because he was such a poor conductor.
I liked the Harry Potter books and films but...
I think the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed
Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.
The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.
The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.
The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!
A man is brought to the gallows to be executed.
As they're putting the noose around his neck, he's asked if he has any last requests. he asked for a high five. But they left him hanging.
What makes t**... jokes funny?
The execution.
What does the President call his favorite snacks?
Executive hors d'oeuvres
The executioner decapitated the man in a single s**..., and then hacked him into pieces.
Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.
Why do the poor execute rich people with the guillotine?
So they can finally get a head in life.
I was at a comedy club in Russia last month and saw a decent stand up routine making fun of Putin.
I didn't love the guy's jokes, but he had a great execution.
A Russian stand up comedian was joking about the Putin.
Jokes were good. I liked the execution.
A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by n**...
The n**... had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The n**... aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The n**... turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the n**....
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the n**... turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the n**... aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".
Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:
''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''
After some time he sends a performance report:
''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''
How was the tree executed?
Leafal injection
