executed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious executed puns

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.


A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a similar strategy and, on her turn, yells "FIRE!"


Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."


A prisoner was told how he'll be executed

Needless to say, he was shocked.


I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.


I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...

Is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?


What do you get when you cross Henry VIII and Vlad the Impaler?



Two prisoners were waiting to be executed.

"Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."

And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."


A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...

... a stainless steal.


A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?


Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.


A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.

The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.

The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.

The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"


The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by divine intervention, and they let him go.

They then make the lawyer step up to the guillotine. They pull the rope and again, nothing happens. The lawyer reminds them that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and so they reluctantly let him go.

Then they make the engineer step up, and they put his head in the guillotine. The engineer says, "Oh wait, *here's* your problem.."


Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. There, it's safe to drink now , he said....

It's been past your eyes

He's been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.


I really love Harry Potter, but after re-reading the deathday party, I realized something about Nearly Headless Nick...

He was a very poorly executed character.


Three women- a blond, a brunette, and a red head, are all about to be executed by ISIS

The red head was up first. Right before she was going to be executed she yelled, TORNADO! All of the ISIS members took cover and she escaped. The brunette was the next in line. She followed in the red-head's footprints and this time screamed SANDSTORM! The gullible ISIS members again ducked for cover while she escaped. The blonde thought to herself, This is going to be easy. These people are idiots. The blonde stood with a smug look on the shooting block while the ISIS leader roared, Ready…Aim…. The blonde yelled, FIRE!


3 prisoners are to be executed by a firing squad

The first one thinking of ways to escape shouted "EARTHQUAKE!" which caused everyone to panic and allowed the prisoner to escape.
The second prisoner seeing what the first one did shouted "TORNADO!" which caused everyone to panic again and also allowed him to escape
The third prisoner, knowing what the others did, frantically shouted "FIRE!"


3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.

The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as before, however the criminal also thinks quickly and shouts "Tornado!" As the firing squad is in a tornado-prone area, the men look around, and the criminal escapes.

The final criminal is brought out. The soldiers again arm and aim. The criminal thinks of a way to get out and has an idea. He yells "Fire!"


Stalin was giving a speech.

and in the middle of his speech, someone in the audience sneezed. Stalin abruptly stopped talking and asked who sneezed? But everyone was too terrified of the consequences to admit it. Stalin makes the first row of people stand up, and asks again, who sneezed? No on admits to being the one to cause this interruption. Stalin has the entire first row executed on the spot. He tells the second row to get on their feet and asks the same question. Again, no one is willing to admit fault or even tattle on their fellow comrade. Stalin has the second row executed. He then asks the third row to stand. Finally, a man comes forward and admits guilt. Stalin says "bless you" and continues on with his speech.


The brunette, the redhead, and the blonde.

One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were set to be executed. They lined the three woman up in front of a firing squad. First, they brought the brunette up. Ready, aim. But just before they shoot she shouts "Earthquake!" and in the commotion she escapes. Once the chaos dies down they bring up the redhead. Ready, aim."Tornado!" and she escapes. Then they bring the blonde up. By that time the blonde has caught on. Ready aim, and she shouts "Fire"!


Three guys are lined up to be executed by handgun.

The executioner ask the first one, "Any last words?"

"Tornado!" He exclaims, pointing behind the executioner, who turns around in terror. While the executioner is distracted, he runs away.

So the executioner moves on the the next guy. "Any last words?"

"Tsunami!" He yelled, pointing towards the nearby seashore. Again, the executioner turns around and the second guy gets away.

Frustrated, the executioner goes the the last guy. "Any last words?"


So the executioner shoots him in the face.


Why did the police beat the black man after he was executed in the electric chair?

He was resisting.


A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.

The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled genitals. The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.

The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"


There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "Bombing run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".


A joke my russian friend told...

So stalin was giving a speech to a few hundred thousand soldiers... One soldier then sneezes in the middle of stalin's speech. Stalin stops, looks around and asks: "who sneezed?" there was no answer.... he asks again and sure enough no one answered - Stalin is now pissed, he doesn't like being ignored so he gets the first row executed. He asks again, and no one answers... "execute the second row" and BAM the second row is dead!

He asks again... then a little scared man puts his hand up, shaking in fear... "it was me... I sneezed" Stalin turns to him and says "bless you" and then carries on with his speech.


A Texan and a West Virginian are on death row…

And both are due to be executed the same night. The Texan is due to be executed first, via electric chair.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"I apologize to the victim's family."

The executioner pulls the switch. Nothing happens. He does it again. Nothing. On the final attempt he pulls with all his might…still nothing.

"Well, you're free now, sir." After undoing the straps, the Texan skips away happily. Now it is the West Virginian's turn.

"Sir, I'd like to remind you that if three attempts go by and you are still alive, you will be free to go. Any last words?"

"You all know that the wall socket there is unplugged, right?"


Three guys are about to be executed.

One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.

They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to the sentence you can only do once. Trying again would constitute double jeopardy, which is unconstitutional. You have to let me go." Intimidated by this, the executioner frees him.

They bring out the priest next, put him under the guillotine. Again the blade gets stuck. The priest cries, "A miracle! God has reached down and spared my life. This is a sign that I am under His protection. You must free me at once, or incur the divine wrath." The executioner, a simple but God-fearing man, lets him go.

Finally they bring out the engineer. The executioner pulls the lever once again, and once again the blade stops halfway down. The engineer turns on his back and stares up at the guillotine, muttering under his breath. After a minute he calls the executioner over, points up at the mechanism, and says, "Well, there's your problem right there..."


Guillotine execution

3 prisoners in line to be executed confronted with their last words:

~Guard: "What are your last words?" Prisoner 1: "I pray that god spares me, shows that I'm innocent & sets me free" Then they put his head under ready for decapitation, cutting the rope, it goes 1/3rd of the way down & stops, saving his life. Guard: "It must be god, you must be innocent, you're free to go!"

~Guard: "What are your last words?" Prisoner 2: "I pray that god spares me, shows that I'm innocent & sets me free" Then they put his head under ready for decapitation, cutting the rope, it goes 2/3rd's of the way down & stops, saving his life. Guard: "It must be god again, you must also be innocent, you're free to go too!"

~Guard: "What are your last words?" Prisoner 3: "Yea you need to oil that dumb thing"


A Jew, an Italian and a Frenchman last meal

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed.
Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. Give me some good French wine and French bread, he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian's turn. Give me a big plate of pasta, said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew's turn. I want a big bowl of strawberries, said the Jew. Strawberries?!! They aren't even in season! .
So, I'll wait…


The Engineer

Towards the end of the French revolution many people lost their heads to the guillotine. One day a politician, a priest, and an engineer were to be executed.

The politician was first. The executioner asked him: "Do you have any last words?" to which the man replied, "I regret nothing." The executioner lowered the man's head into the guillotine and released the blade. It fell swiftly but suddenly jams and stopped just inches from reaching the politician's neck.

There was a rule with these executions where if the blade could not finish its job with one pull of the rope, the condemned were allowed to be released and set free. Upon realizing this the politician cheers in excitement and scampers away.

Up next was the priest - the executioner asked, "Do you have any last words?" to which the priest replied, "None. God has already saved my immortal soul." The executioner then lowered the priest's head into the guillotine and pulled the lever to release the blade. AGAIN, the blade jams and stops just inches before reaching the priest's neck. After realizing what had just happened, the priest said "Praise the lord, it's a miracle!" and scampered away.

Finally, the engineer was brought up to the guillotine. The executioner said, "Any last words?" to which the engineer replied - "Yes! I think I see what your problem is."


The Inmate on Death Row

An inmate is on death row, waiting to be executed. The guard comes to his cell and asks him what his last request is.

"Since, I don't particularly have a favorite food, I'm going to request singing a song instead, one time, and without interruptions," the inmate replied. "This song was one my dad taught me when I was a young child."

The guard nodded, and allowed him to sing his song.

The inmate takes a shaky breath and starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."


Stalin is giving a speech ...

All of a sudden, someone sneezes. He stops talking.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. Everyone is looking at their feet.

"Who sneezed ? If you don't answer, I'll gun down the front row."

Nobody speaks. He gives an order, and the entire front row is executed.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. The second row is being executed. The third row is being gunned down. The fourth row is being executed. A very old man steps up, he raises a hand.

"I sneezed."

Stalin looks at him.

"Bless you. So, as I was saying..."


Three men in prison are about to be executed.

There are three men standing in a prison yard, about to be executed for their crimes. They are offered a choice in execution style; beheading via guillotine, death by firing squad or an injection of HIV.

The first man chooses beheading. He's led to the guillotine by the guards, positioned, and executed. Blood sprays everywhere and his head goes rolling across the yard.

Horrified by what he's just seen, the second man chooses to be shot. The guards lead him to a wall, six other guards point their weapons at him, and they open fire. The man dies fairly slowly, choking on his own blood.

The third man is totally calm. He says, somewhat smugly, that he'd like to be given the HIV injection.

The guards summon the doctor, who gives the third man his injection. Back in his own cell later, the third man begins laughing quietly to himself. Confused, his bunkmate asks what's so funny.

"Those idiots," the man replies. "I was wearing a condom the whole time!"


A man on death row is given a final wish...

...The man wishes to meet the president before he is executed. The president decides to visit the man before he is executed, and arrives the day before the execution.
The man is visibly distrust, and does not notice the president waiting. After a minute the president is getting annoyed after having to wait for so long. The president proceeds to call out for the man to talk to him
"Pardon you, have some patience."
The president was angered by this and yelled
"Pardon me? Pardon me?? PARDON YOU!"

With this the man thanked him and left.


firing squad

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Polak, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad. They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole. He points and shouts, "Tornado!" They all look and the American runs away. Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells "Earthquake!" They all hit the dust and the German escapes. Next up is the Polak. He looks around and shouts "Fire!"


What are the most funny Executed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Executed? Well, here are the best Executed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Executed pick up lines to share with friends.

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