Excuse Jokes
129 excuse jokes and hilarious excuse puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about excuse that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out these Excuse Jokes for a light-hearted look at the many different types of excuses people make and their often tongue-in-cheek consequences. From an "Excuse Me Waiter" tale to an apology that is not easily condoned, these humorous stories offer a fun way to explore the concept of forgiveness.
Quick Jump To
- Short Excuse Jokes
- Excuse One Liners
- Good Excuse Jokes
- Excuse Me Waiter Jokes
- Excuse Me Jokes
- More Excuse Jokes
Funniest Excuse Short Jokes
Short excuse jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The excuse humour may include short pardon jokes also.
- When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word... ...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
- When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"
- Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses! Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...
- A man walks into a library... And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"
"Hard back?"
"Yeah, with little heads" - An old woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus - My dad would swear and then say, "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
- I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. Excuse me, I don't remember what room I'm in. I said. No problem, said the receptionist. You're in the lobby.
- I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.'
And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.' - Einstein is on a train leaving New York. He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"
- For cookery class, our homework was to bake something. I said I'd bake dog biscuits.
No idea how to, but i have a great excuse when i don't hand in my homework.
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Excuse One Liners
Which excuse one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with excuse? I can suggest the ones about apologies and explanation.
- International women's day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes Period.
- International womens day is not an excuse for low effort sexist jokes. Period.
- A Muslim walks into abar "Excuse me", said Abar
- Best excuse for missing work The voices told me to clean the guns.
- Excuse me, but is anyone in here named Michael? I'm just doing a Mike check.
- Having a big nose is not an excuse for not wearing a mask. I still wear an underwear.
- A big nose isn't an excuse for not wearing a mask I wear pants you know...
- I hate German sauseges They're the *wurst*
Now excuse me while I kill myself now. - My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother. [Pulling out]
Me: Excuse me, what? - Did You Know that Diareah Problems are Hereditary It Runs In your Jeans
- I walked into a pole the other day He said excuse me
- Excuse me, do you like graves? Yeah, I dig 'em.
- A man with two left feet enters a shoe shop He asks: "Excuse me, do you have flip flips?"
- Excuse me, do you really need glasses... or are they just for looks?
- A big nose isn't an excuse for not wearing a facemask I mean, I still wear underwear
Good Excuse Jokes
Here is a list of funny good excuse jokes and even better good excuse puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic. Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you. - Having a big nose isn't a good enough excuse to not wear a mask. Take me for example. I still wear underwear.
- At my trial the judge asked me how i justified using force to get women to sleep with me... Apparently "Because I'm a Jedi" wasn't a good enough excuse
- A Man to a lady sitting next to him in flight. Man: "Which perfume do you use ? It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife."
Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her." - Always making up excuses isn't a good thing. I wish i could explain why but i have broken my finger.
- I unexpectedly had a good time today. I was sitting next to a blonde on the train and as my station was coming up I said;
"Please excuse me, I'd like to get off". - My boss is mad that I was late to work today I guess having a flat tire isn't a good excuse when you work from home.
- Looks like Subway finally has a good excuse for their footlongs being less than 12 inches Anything under 12 is better for Jared.
- Stigmata: *not* a good excuse for calling in sick to work, it turns out.
- What's a good excuse for peeing in the shower? Those things happen naturally when you are taking a dump
Excuse Me Waiter Jokes
Here is a list of funny excuse me waiter jokes and even better excuse me waiter puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Guy orders a steak at a restaurant. The waiter brings it out and its rare.
"Excuse me, I said well done." says the guy
"Oh sorry, I didn't hear you", says the waiter, "Thanks very much!" - The hearing-aid A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.
Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.
Waiter: What? - A waiter says to a customer "Excuse me, miss, but you appear to have some lettuce stuck in your pants." "That's just the tip of the iceberg." She replies.
- What did the Venus fly trap say to the waiter? Excuse me, there's no fly in my soup.
- Excuse me waiter! There's a noodle in my spaghetti!!
- A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"
- A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"
- A man dining at a restaurant flagged down his waiter and said, "Excuse me. I have a bee in my soup." The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Didn't you order the alphabet soup?"
Excuse Me Jokes
Here is a list of funny excuse me jokes and even better excuse me puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A car is pulled over by the police.... "Is there a problem officer?"
Cop: You were swerving a lot back there
"Well I had 8 beers officer,"
Cop: We'll that's no excuse to let your wife drive - TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat. Woops, wrong sub.
- "Excuse me, sir, is this the Nostalgia Club"? "Yeah man, but let me tell you, it ain't what it used to be!"
- When I was a kid, my parents always said, "Excuse my French!" whenever they swore. I'll never forget my first day at school when my teacher asked the class of any of us knew any French.
- In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender: Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?
- A woman approaches me as I'm playing my guitar. "Excuse me, is that a Squier Stratocaster?" I may have overreacted when I responded: "DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY FENDER?!"
- What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil? Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.
- I approach two fat ladies in england, asking them a question "Excuse me, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?" - I don't understand why everyone says Chuck Norris is awesome. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone at my front door.
- Dave: Excuse me, sir, is this carrot genetically modified? Clerk: No, why do you ask?
carrot: No, really, why do you ask?
Excuse Jokes to Giggle and Enjoy A Night of Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about excuse you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean blame jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make excuse pranks.
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking v**....
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of v**... every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
A man walks into the bakers...
A man walks into the bakers with a salmon under his arm. He asks the woman behind the counter "Excuse me, do you serve fish cakes?"
The woman replies, "Of course we don't!"
The man points to the fish and shouts - "Well what am I supposed to do?! Its his birthday!"
A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects
A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"
The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".
"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".
"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".
The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"
"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".
"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"
"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".
"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"
"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."
Excuse for speeding
This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.
The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
A police officer was directing traffic.
A police officer was directing traffic. He saw a man walking along the sidewalk with a penguin following him. He says, "Sir, you have a penguin following you."
"I know, he won't quit following me." replies the man.
"You should take him to the zoo." The man nods and walks towards the zoo. A bit later the police officer sees the man with the penguin still behind him. "Excuse me sir, I thought you were taking the penguin to the zoo."
"I did" said the man, "Now we are going to the movies."
A girl was about to jump off a cliff...
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question,
"Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have s**... with me?"
The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom."
May I have a piece of gum?
Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have s**.... Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have s**... right then and there.
The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."
Two guys and their dogs are walking down the street...
...one's got a german shepherd and the other's got a chihuahua.
They get hungry so the german shepherd guy suggests they grab a bite to eat at the restaurant on the corner, but his friend says, "They won't let us into a restaurant with our dogs!"
"Just follow my lead," says the first guy.
He walks up and the maitre'd says, "What are you, nuts?! You can't come in here with a dog!"
"But it's a seeing eye dog," the guy with the german shepherd explains.
"Oh, excuse me, now I understand. Go right ahead," says the maitre'd.
The next guy walks up and the maitre'd stops him too. "You can't come in here with a dog!"
Following his friend's cue the guy says, "But it's a seeing eye dog!"
The maitre'd looks skeptical and says, "Sir - that's no seeing eye dog. It's just a chihuahua."
The guy jumps back in shock... "WHAT!? They gave me a chihuahua!!?"
A man asks a janitor in his office...
"Hey, don't you get tired being just a janitor?"
The janitor is taken aback. "Excuse me, let me tell you that even if I'm just a janitor, I have a kid each in Harvard, MIT, and Princeton."
"Wow," the man is surprised, "what courses are they taking?"
"Nah, they're janitors too."
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor...
A visitor to Harvard asks a professor, "Excuse me, but would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at?"
"Sir," came the sneering reply, "at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition."
"Well, in that case, forgive me," said the visitor. "Permit me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the Harvard Library is at, j**...?"
So a tourist walks into an English pub...
A tourist walks into an English pub. While he is waiting for his beer, he notices to rather big women next to him talk in a strange accent. He walks up to them and says:
"Excuse me, I can't quite put my finger on your accent -- are you two ladies from Ireland?"
They get outraged and snap back:
"It's Wales, you idiot!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland?"
A man is new in town
A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions:
"Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?"
"Yeah, it's on 3rd street."
"What, right next to the brothel?"
"What? No! The brothel is on 17th street."
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"
Mathematician joke.
A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."
Sandra, a devout Catholic, got married and had 11 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 11 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Sandra also passed away.
At Sandra's f**..., the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
The dinosaur at the museum
A guy is visiting a museum and he sees a dinosaur's skeleton.
Curious about it, he asks the guard next to it:
- Excuse me, sir. How old is this dinosaur?
- It is 65 million years, 4 months and 13 days old.
Amazed by his answer, he says:
- Wow!, How can you be so precise about it?
- Well, when I first started working here, they told me it was 65 million years old... and that was 4 months and 13 days ago.
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.
A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?
The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?
The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?
The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?
The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?
What does the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
The vendor makes him the hot dog and the Buddhist hands him a $20 bill. The vendor hands him his hot dog and then the Buddhist sits down at a nearby table to enjoy it. Soon after, to the Buddhist's dismay, he realizes the vendor hasn't been forthcoming with the rest of his money. He knows the hot dog couldn't have been $20, so the Buddhist approaches the vendor and says:
"Excuse me, where's my change?"
To which the vendor replies:
"Change comes only from within."
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant...
Two lawyers sit down in a restaurant and open their briefcases, take out sandwiches, and start eating. A waitress comes up and says, "Excuse me, sirs, you can't eat your own food here." The lawyers shrug and exchange sandwiches.
A man walks into a bar and sees a young, attractive woman.
He approaches her and asks, "Excuse me, Miss. I was curious, would you be willing to sleep with me for one million dollars?" She responds, "Well certainly!" Again he asks, "How about for $10?" This time she answers, "Not at all. What do you think I am?" The man replies, "I have already established what you are. I'm just trying to negotiate a better price."
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.
He approaches the desk and says to the pharmacist "excuse me, do you have non latex? I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter but she's allergic to latex"
The pharmacist replies "yeah they should be right over.... wait.. did you say 12 year old daughter? .. your 12 year old daughter is s**... active?"
The man says "eh, not really. She just kind of lays there like her mother."
The Trap
A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid, so she laid down a trap.
One evening, she suddenly sent the maid home and didn't tell her husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, "Please excuse me my dear, my stomach aches" and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went and got into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and had his way with her.
When they were finished and both still panting, the wife said, "Well my dear, you didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And turned on the light.
"Absolutely not!", said her son.
A man's car breaks down outside a monastery.
The monks take him in and give him dinner--a fantastic dinner, of fish & chips. Best fish & chips he's ever had.
So he goes into the kitchen to compliment the chef. He says to one brother, "Excuse me, are you the fish friar?"
"No," he answers. "I'm the chip monk."
A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."
A police man pulls over a car in the middle of the night
"Sir, do you realise how badly your car was swerving between lanes?"
"I've had 8 drinks, officer."
"That's no excuse to let your wife drive..."
Four blonds walk into a bar...
...cheering "85 Days! 85 Days!"
A gentleman inquires "Excuse me, but what's '85 days?'"
The blonds reply "We completed a puzzle in 85 days and the box says 2-4 years!"
A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library."
The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"
An Englishman walks into a bar...
He sees three fat ladies ordering drinks at the counter and hears a thick accent.
"Excuse me, are you three ladies from Scotland?"
They all scream back in unison, "WALES, YOU IDIOT!!"
"Oh, sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
A guy finally buys his dream car
... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.
Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."
The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."
I used to smoke w**... and go to class...
Sneak in ten minutes late with a b**... excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
An Englishman comes to Harvard.
Unable to find out the way to the library, he approaches an undergrad. The subsequent conversation is as follows-
Englishman: Excuse me. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at?
Undergrad: It's Harvard. People don't end sentences with a preposition here.
Englishman: Oh, I see. Could you kindly enlighten me where the library is at, a**...?
A reporter goes to the Middle East for an interview.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "s**...?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, d**..., any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A college professor is driving home drunk one Saturday night....
When he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks him:
"Excuse me sir, you were speeding, you ran a red light and you appear to be drunk, where are you going?"
The professor replies: "I am currently on my way to a lecture concerning the dangers of drinking, smoking and staying up late."
The police officer says: "Who could possibly be giving that kind of lecture at this time?"
The professor responds: "My wife."
So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...
And says, excuse me officer I lost my car and the officer says, well where did you see it last?
Guy: it was right here on the end of my key
Officer: Alright well head down to the station and they'll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your fly
The man looks down and says, Awww man they got my girl too!
A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.
Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England . One of the women replies No idiot. Wales!!!!
The Foreigner is taken aback. I'm sorry, let me start over he says. Excuse me. Do you two whales happen to be from England?
A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit s**... from by throwing her self from the rooftop.
Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!
A man was out on a fishing trip
When suddenly, he dropped one of his oars into the water, frustrated that he couldn't get the boat moving, he decided to seek help.
He saw someone with two beautiful women on his boat who also had a spare oar. "Excuse me, may I borrow one of your oars?" he yelled.
The man appeared offended, "thems ain't 'ores, thems me sisters!"
An Englishman stops p**... for directions.....
An Englishman stops p**... for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"
p**... says "Are you on foot or in the car?"
The Englishman says "In the car."
p**... replies "That's the quickest!"
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.
Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"
Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."
Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
A man walks into a bar and it's empty – it's just him and the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, Pssst… I like your tie.
The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.
Pssst… that color looks nice on you.
He asks the bartender, Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts… they're complimentary.
Maria the Catholic
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria's f**..., the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together.
" Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."
Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...
"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in 'u-n-t' that refers to a woman?
Oh my god! the man thought. I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word. The gentleman thinks for quite a while, then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, I think the word you're looking for is 'Aunt'.
Oh, of course! the Pope exclaims. Do you have an eraser?
A black man walks into a restaurant..
There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."
The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."
The black man smiles, looks at the white man and says, "Sir, when I was born I was black, when I am sick I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I'm angry I'm black and when I sad I'm black.
But you, sir, when you're born you're pink, when you're sick you are green, when you're cold you turn blue and when you're angry you turn red.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!"
My friend said he hasn't had s**... because he's a child of God.
I said mate, that's not a good enough excuse. Jesus was a child of god and he still got nailed.
A High School English Teacher reminds her class of the next day's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
One smart-a**... jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Aw, that's so sad. Guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
A salesman knocks on a door and a 10 year old kid answers drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette...
The salesman is shocked but he asks the kid: Excuse me young man is your mother or father home?
The kid looks at him, takes a drag from the cigarette and says, What do you think?
An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.
The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"
The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"
The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"
He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with v**..., and lights them aflame. "Special, just for you."
The American frowns, "What the h**... is this?"
"I call it a 9/11."
*This is a joke my pal from Kerry told me, all credit to him.*
A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.
He sits down and orders a drink.
After a few seconds he hears a whisper: "Pssst... I like your tie."
He looks around but doesn't see anyone.
"Pssst... "that color looks nice on you"
The man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but... are you speaking to me?"
The bartender rolls his eyes, saying, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...
After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"
The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."
The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"
The guy goes "I'm dyslexic so it's taking me a while to get through the 3rd paragraph."
An old war general is at a banquet by himself
A young woman says to her friend
"He looks lonely, I wonder how long it has been since he has been with a woman"
She walks over to him and says "excuse me when was the last time you had s**..."
He replies 1955. She replies i will change that for you. They have s**... and she is amazed how good he is. After s**... she says "I can't believe how good you are after all this time." He looks at his watch and says "its only 2230."
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.
Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"
He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."
A blonde calls out to a man on the street: Excuse me, what time is it now?
It is 4:35.
That is strange.
What is?
Every time I ask this question, different people give me different answers.
In the 70s...
A Russian asks for a meeting with the President
\- I would like a passport and a visa to Belgium - asks the Russian man
\- But aren't you fine in Russia? - asks the president
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- So, maybe you don't like your work there?
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- Maybe it is the life there that you don't like?
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- Then it is socialism that doesn't satisfy you?
\- Hm, really, I can't complain
\- But now I'm confused. Excuse me but why do you want to go to Belgium? - asks the president
\- BECAUSE THERE I CAN FINALLY COMPLAIN!!!
A man is returning to his seat in the movie theater after visiting the toilets.
"Excuse me," he says to the lady sitting beside the aisle, "Did I step on your foot when I went out?"
"Yes you did," says the lady angrily.
"Oh good," says the man, "that means I'm in the right row."
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian Excuse me, I'm looking for the French constitution ...
...The librarian replies, I'm sorry, we don't stock periodicals.
So a snail walks into a dealership
and purchases a car, proceeds to ask the salesman to put eggs on the front, eggs on the roof, and eggs on the trunk.
Bewildered the salesman ask, excuse but why would you want to put eggs all over your car.
Snail replies, because when I drive down the road very fast I want people to say,
Hey look at that eggs car go
A man walks to a woman and asks…
Excuse me ma'am but could I offer you a bit of sodium chloride?
To which the woman replies,
Get away from me, that's a salt!
A man walks into a hotels lobby and asks
"Excuse me, can you remind me which room am I in?"
"Most certainly sir! You are in the lobby sir"
