Exclaims Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Exclaims puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Exclaims

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow blacks in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.


"I think it's raining," says the man.



"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.


"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.


The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"

The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."

Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

A 35 year old man goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated...

The doctor looks at him for a minute and asks if he is sure. The man says yes, he's thought about it for some time and thinks its time to get it done. The doctor says alright, it's your body.

After the procedure, the man wakes up and the doctor comes over for a chat. He tells the man that while he was down there, he threw in a free circumcision.

Circumcision! the man exclaims. That's the word I was looking for.

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, How'd you land someone that young?

It's simple, said the billionaire, I faked my age!

I mean, I'm 43, and there's no way I could land her! , a friend exclaims. What age did you tell her you were?

Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, 85 years old.

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

"Dad, i'm a lesbian."

Confesses the daughter.

Her younger sister shouts from the kitchen "Me too dad."

"Goddammit" Exclaims the father. "Will one of you bring a man to this house!?"

"I will, Dad." Says the son from his room.

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..." NSFW

Well, what is it?" asks the doctor.

"I have five penises."

"Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?"

"Like a glove!"

Two magicians walk into a bakery

The first palms 3 donuts. He then snidely challenges the other magician to perform a trick of equal benefit. The second magician then calls the baker and asks for 3 donuts if he'd like to see a magic trick. The baker does his part and provides the donuts. The magician then eats the donuts and exclaims "Ta-Dah." The bakery is angered and asks "Well what's the magic trick?" The second magician replies "Look in my friend's pocket."

A weasel walks into a bar

The bartender exclaims Well I'll be! We've never have a weasel in here before. Whatever you'd like, you may have. What'll it be?

Pop, goes the weasel.

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek

While Einstein is counting down from 100, Pascal runs and hides. Newton stands in pain view, and carefully measures out a meter square, then stands in it.

When Einstein turns around, he exclaims "Newton you're supposed to hide so I can't find you" . Newton replies "you found a Newton over a square meter, you found a Pascal"

The Sheepdog and the Farmer

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.
The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.
"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"
"40," replies the dog.
"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"
"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."

"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"

"My first blow job," replies the young man.

"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."

The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

Upon request of a signature, a nurse reaches into her pocket only to find a thermometer...

she exclaims, "Some asshole's got my pen!"

A weasel walks into a bar...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender is stunned.
Wow I've never seen a weasel in my bar before! exclaims the bartender. What kind of alcohol would you like?
The weasel looks over the menu and shakes his head.
The bartender says, Okay no booze. Is there anything I can get for you? It's on the house!
Pop. goes the weasel.

A lawyer, a priest and a doctor are all on a ship filled with children and it begins to sink.

They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well.

The doctor exclaims Save the children! And begins to jump out of the lifeboat.

The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating Screw the children!

The priest says Do we have time?

A blonde crashes a helicopter...

A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

An economist, a chaos theorist, and a statistician are trying to shoot a deer for dinner with a bow and arrow...

The economist assumes no wind, and misses five feet to the left. He hands over the bow to the chaos theorist, who overestimates the effect of the wind, and misses five feet to the right. The statistician pumps his fist in the air and exclaims: "We got him!".

A Russian man lives all alone in a cabin

One day, someone from the government shows up and tells him that due to a map surveyor's error in the 1940s, the cabin he lives in was mistakenly marked as part of Russia, but in fact, it's actually a part of Belarus.

"Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "I don't think I would have been able to stand another Russian winter here."

A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"

"just water," the priest replies.

"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped​ the patrolman.

The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".

Edited for u/littlekiing

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

Beethoven asks his audience: "Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"

The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: "I can't hear you!"

A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...

He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"

The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"

"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a virgin Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.

2 men are robbing an apartment...

...when they hear sirens outside the building.

"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"

"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

Two blondes are in the woods looking at a set of tracks.

"They're wolf tracks," says the first.

"No way! Those are fox tracks!" Exclaims the second.


The two fight back and forth so loud they didn't hear the train coming.

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"


The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says wow, I smell sugar . The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims wow I smell glucose! Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says holy cow I smell fructose! The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said all I smell is molasses

Hope it's not a repost, heard this on the radio today...

Cheech and Chong are partying down in Tijuana, when they spot a dog up the road a ways.

Looking closer, they see the dog is frolicking about in the intersection, having a great time licking himself.

Cheech exclaims, "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Chong replies, "well... maybe you should try to pet him first, man."

A priest and a bus driver stand outside the gates of heaven.

God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.

Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.

Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.

"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.

"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

**CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM
GET $50!**

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."

Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.

Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.

"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.

Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"

A Jewish lady wants an obituary for her husband.

A Jewish lady calls the New York Times and says "I want an obituary for my husband." The person at the times says "it's 10$ a word". "10$ a word!" The lady exclaims. "Fine" she says "Burnstein dies". The lady says "there is a minimum of 5 words". "Fine" she grumbles, "Burnstein dies Buick for sale".

An old veteran is sitting in a bar

A prostitute looking for work approaches him. "Say old man, when was the last time you had sex?"

The man responds "That must have been around 1958"

"1958?" exclaims the prostitute "that's a mighty long time you haven't slept with a woman!"

"Is it?" replies the man, and looks at his watch "it's hardly 2045 right now!"

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.

The Brit exclaims They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.

Outrageous! Says the Frenchman. They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.

The Soviet chuckles and says You're both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise .

So this atheist explorer is in trouble...

...with a tribe of savage cannibals. He's cornered with no possible way out when he exclaims in his desperation 'God, I'm screwed!'

Suddenly the clouds part and a booming voice says 'No son, you are not. Take that rock near your right foot and throw it at that old cannibal with the large headdress!'

The explorer obeys, and the chief of the tribe lies dead on the ground.

The voice says 'NOW you're screwed!'

Ol' Merl & Ethel

Ol' Merl & Ethel were sitting on the porch, enjoying the summer breeze. Suddenly, Ethel reaches over and smacks poor ol' Merl right out of his chair. "What was that for?" he exclaims. "That's for being such a lousy lover all these years." Well, Merl gets back in his chair, sits quietly for a while, then reaches over and smacks Ethel right back. "And what was that for?" Ol' Merl drawls, "That's for knowing the difference."

Three nuns were talking about their chores...

Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"

"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.

"I threw them away." The first nun replies.

The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"

"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.

"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.

The third nun fainted.

Priest and a Hindu are making breakfast..

The priest is spreading on margarine and exclaims, "Look! It's Jesus in the spread!"
Shocked, the Hindu replies, "Wow, I can't believe it's not Buddha."

A man from the Census Bureau knocks on an apartment door in the projects

A black woman answers the door and the man asks, "Excuse me, Ma'am, how many people live here?"

The woman replies, "Me and my 12 children".

"Wow" the man exclaims, "I had better go get an extra record sheet so I can write down all of their names".

"No, you won't need to" she says, "I named them all Leeroy".

The man stops for a second with a puzzled look on his face. "But Ma'am, how do you call them each to dinner?"

"I just yell 'Leeroy, time for dinner!' and they all come".

"But then how do you get them to go to bed?"

"Same thing. I just yell 'Leeroy, time for bed!' and they all get to bed".

"So what do you do when you want to speak to them one on one?"

"That's easy, I just call them by their last name."

A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

Then once more, another car rushes ahead.

"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"

Then they reach their destination.

"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"

A Man Goes Into A Pharmacy

And asks for birth control for his wife and seven year old daugher.
The pharmacist, shocked, exclaims "You're seven year old daughter is sexually active?!"
And the man just shrugs and says "Nah, she just lays there"

A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.

The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

A man walks into a bar and exclaims...

"I bet anyone here five dollars that I can bite my own eye!"

The man receives a multitude of five dollar bills but to the annoyance of the givers of the five dollar bills, the man grins and pulls out his glass eye. After biting the eye, the man buys a drink and exclaims for a second time...

"I bet anyone in here ten dollars I can bite my other eye!"

Again, the man receives a multitude of bills, now ten dollar bills from people we don't believe the man could possibly have two glass eyes, but to the annoyance of the givers of the ten dollar bills, the man grins and pulls out his false teeth.

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A father Is lounging in his study..

When one of his daughters walks in and asks "Daddy.. why is my name Rose?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a rose petal on your face." The second daughter barges in and asks "Daddy why Is my name Daisy?" The father replys "Because when you were born, we dropped a daisy petal on your face." The third daughter stumbles through the door and exclaims "DUR HERM DER BAHRRRR!?!?!" The father jumps out of his chair and yells "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!!"

A teenager buys condoms for the first time...

The cashier says, "That'll be $9.95 plus tax.".

Horrified, the boy exclaims "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.

*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

Arrows & Targets

A boy gets a bow & arrow for his 10th birthday. He walks outside and starts shooting his arrows. Later his father walks in on him and exclaims, "Wow each of these arrows landed in a target great job! Lets go out for ice cream!" So his father and he go out for the ice cream after it's finished his father asks, "how did you do it?" Then the son says, "It wasn't hard. I just shot arrows and drew circles around them."

Two old men, one French and one Spanish were sitting on a park bench.

When a beautiful young girl in a miniskirt walks by. Just as she passes them a breeze comes along and lifts the girl's skirt up revealing she's not wearing panties. The French man looks at the Spanish man and says "C'est la vie" and the Spanish man exclaims back "Se la vi, tambien."

A penguin's car breaks down

So he takes it to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him that its going to be a couple of hours until he can get to it. "Oh man," the penguin replies. "It's too hot here for me, I'm a penguin after all." The mechanic tells him there is a grocery store across the street, maybe he can wait there. So the penguin goes to the grocery store, and crawls into the freezer. "This is great!" The penguin exclaims, "so nice and chilly." He then proceeds to relax, eat some ice cream and take a nap. After a few hours he returns to the mechanic.
"Did you figure out what was wrong with my car?"
"It looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, this is just ice cream."

A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"

The mother replies, "Like father like son"

So, a blonde, an asian, and an african american are at lunch at school

The blonde opens up her lunch box and sees a PB&J. She exclaims "If I get PB&J one more time I'm going to kill myself."

The asian girl opens her lunch box and sees rice. She says "If I get rice more time I'm going to kill myself."

The african american girl opens her lunch box and sees chicken. She goes "If I get chicken one more time, I'm going to kill myself."

The next day they're all at lunch and the same thing happens, only they all kill themselves once they've opened they're lunch box and see the same food.

The asian girls parents cry "If only we didn't pack her rice for lunch again!"

The african american girls parents cry "If only we didn't pack her chicken again!"

The blonde girls parents look puzzled and say "I don't know what her problem was, she packed her own lunch."

Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.

She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.

The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."

"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"

"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."

Tom Jones' Disease

A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, Pussycat?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!

The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"

"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"

"It's not unusual"

A mexican woman goes into labor, and then passes out...

a few hours later, she wakes up in the hospital and finds out that she has given birth to perfectly healthy twin baby boys. "Since you were unconscious while your children were born, your husband named both of your children for you", the doctor informs her. "Oh no!", exclaims the woman, "my husband is an idiot! Did he name the children something stupid?" "Well, the first child's name is Juan", says the doctor. "That's not so bad," she says, "but what did he name the second child?"

"Two."

A nurse is making her rounds through the halls of a hospital with a rectal thermometer tucked behind her ear...

As she goes to each room she gets plenty of strange looks from each of the patients, but none of them say anything. She finally walks past a doctor in the hall who stops her and asks "what's that you've got behind your ear?" she pulls it out and looks at in surprise, then exclaims "damnit! Some asshole's got my pencil!"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

I think it's raining. says the man.

No, it's snowing. replies the woman.

How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right! exclaims the man. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

Definitely raining. Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

An old married couple are sitting at the table

The wife suddenly rolls up a newspaper, walks over and smacks him in the head with it.

"Ow!" the old man exclaims, "What was that for?!?!" he asks.

The wife says "For 50 years of bad sex."

A few minutes later, the husband rolls up a newspaper, walks over, and hits her in the head with it.

The wife yells back "And what was that for?!?!"

The husband says "For knowing the difference."

A guy walks into a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a dozen shots. The bartender brings them to the guy, and as the bartender is grabbing the cheque, he sees that the guy has already downed over half of his shots.

The bartender walks over to the guy and exclaims, "Woah buddy, you might wanna chill out over there!"

The guy - as he finishes his last shot - says, "You'd be drinking this fast too if you had what I had."

The bartender - now more confused - asks, "Well, what do you have?"

The guy sits there for a moment and then says, "75 cents," then dashes out the door.

A blonde and her friend lost in the forest

A blonde and her friend are lost in the forest. The friend goes out on the first night and comes back with a deer, killed with a primitive bow and arrow. "Wow!" the blonde exclaims, "How did you do that?!" The friend tried to keep it very simple for the blonde so she could understand. She replied, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks. I see deer, I shoot deer." the blonde nodded in understanding. The next night, the blonde, feeling a thousand times smarter than she was before, volunteered to go hunting. When she returned, however, she was beaten up, scraped and bleeding. "What happened?!" the friend was worried. The blonde replied in a very agitated, upset tone. "I did what you said!" She screamed. "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train I shoot train!"

A man walks into a bar...

And he immediately orders 7 shots and a beer for a chaser. The bartender lines up the seven shots and goes to get the beer. When the bartender returned, all 7 shots were gone!

The bartender says, "Wow, you sure drank those shots fast!"

The man says, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."

"What do you have?" Asks the bartender.

Then man reaches in his pocket and slaps his hand on the bar and exclaims, "Fifty cents!"

A scientist runs into an AA meeting...

...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

Two friends join the SAS.

Two friends, Pat and Mick, are trying to join the SAS. After doing all the training their commanding officer in charge tells them, "Now you two must realise that you have to do anything your commanding officer says no question asked, so Mick go into that room there", so Mick walks in. The officer then says to Pat, "Do you think you could kill a friend Pat?", to which Pat replies, "oh no I love all my friends"
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY PAT!"
"Yes sir!" Pat exclaims.
The officer then says, "Do you think you could kill Mick, Pat?"
"Oh never sir Mick is like a brother to me I have kno..."
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!"
"Oh right, yes sir"
"Well then take this gun, and walk into that room, where you shall kill Mick", so Pat goes in and 5 minutes later he goes back to his commanding officer and he says, "I've done it sir"
"Well you'll be glad to know that gun was fake Pat and just call Mick back in"
Pat then replies, "I can't sir"
"Why?"
"I strangled him"

An old Yiddish man goes to the Bunny Ranch.

He says to the madam, "I'm looking for a girl who knows how to do it the Jewish way."

One of girls walks over to him and says, "I'm new here, and I want to learn how to do everything, so if you'll teach me how to do it the Jewish way, I'll give it to you for half price."

The man exclaims, "THAT's the Jewish way!"

An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman

After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.



She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"

A woman driving through the desert runs over a Jack rabbit...

Distraught, she pulls over and begins to sob. Another driver pulls up, gets out of their vehicle, and asks what is wrong.

"Oh! I've killed that poor rabbit!" The woman exclaims.

"Don't worry about something so silly, I can fix this!" The other driver exclaims, then walls over and opens her trunk. She pulls out an aerosol spray can, walks over, and sprays the dead rabbit from head to toe.

After a moment, the rabbit twitches, gets up, hops a few feet, stops, then waves its paw at them. Over and over, as the recently forlorn woman watches in amazement, the rabbit hips a few feet further away, stops, waves, etc, etc.

"That's incredible!" The first woman says, "let me see that can!"

The second woman hands her the can. The label reads:

Aqua net adds new life and a permanent wave to damaged hair.

Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.

His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"

So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.

A doctor, lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined...

The doctor is first. The guillotine comes down and stops halfway. The doctor immediately yells "This is God's will, I must not be killed". The executioner, not seeing anybody protest his claim, lets him go. The lawyer is next. He places his head down, and as the guillotine falls, it comes to a halt right above his neck. "This is an act of God," he exclaims, and is set free. Finally the engineer is about to be executed. He puts his neck down, and as the guillotine falls, yet again it stops right above his neck. He looks up and exclaims, "Hey, I see the problem!"

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.

The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."

An Irish bloke goes to the doctor

and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a $20 bill lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another $10 bill appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the ten and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "$1990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

A pastor takes four earthworms and places them in different jars at the start of the service.

Each jar contained something different, the first had alcohol, the second had cigerette butts and smoke, the third had all sorts of sweets, and the forth had good, clean dirt. At the end of the service, the pastor pulls the jars back out and removes the worm from the alcohol. "Dead!" exclaims the pastor. Next is the worm in the cigerette smoke. "Dead!". The worm in the sweets "DEAD!" Finally the worm in the dirt, "Look at this! He is alive!"

"Can anyone tell me what the moral of this story is?"

Mrs. Jones, an elderly woman in the front row, stands up and exclaims "If you drink, smoke, and eat nothing but candy, you won't get worms!"

An old couple go shopping...

... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse.

After they leave the store a police officer stops them, informing her she was seen stealing the peaches on video. When she gets to court to answer for her crime the judge says, "this kind of petty theft is unacceptable and becoming more common. I'm afraid I need to make a lesson of you." He looks at her carefully. "How many peaches are in the can you stole?"

"Seven" she replied.

"Very well. I am sentencing you to seven days in jail."

Just then the husband piped up. "Uh, your honor?"

"Yes?"

"I should probably tell you she also stole a can of peas."

Woman seeks man

A woman, tired of being single puts out an ad seeking a man who won't beat her, won't run out on her and is a fantastic lover. One day, she hears the door bell ring and to her surprise, at the door is a man with no arms or legs.

"May I help you?" She asks.

"I'm here about your notice." The man replies.

"But you have no arms!" The woman exclaims.

"Well then you know I'll never beat you."

"But you have no legs!"

"Well then you know I'll never run out on you."

"Ok, but the notice said I wanted an amazing lover."

"Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?"

A man wins the lottery...

A man wins a substantial amount of money on the lottery and tells his girlfriend "I've just won the lottery! Quickly, pack your things!"

"Oh my god, oh my god!! Where are we going?!" she exclaims.

The man replies, "Who said I was going anywhere?"

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor one day and tells him she's been having some stomach pains. In reply the doctor takes some samples and tells the woman to come back a week later when the results are in. So a week later the woman goes to the doctor and asks "So what's wrong with me?", "well..." says the doctor "in 6 months from now you be changing diapers.", in astonishment the woman exclaims "wow, I'm pregnant?", "No..." says the doctor "you have bowel cancer."

There was a little boy celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driver

A blonde cop pulls over a blonde driving her car. The blonde cop says "You were going pretty fast back there. Can I see your license?"

The blonde driver looks confused.

The blonde cop says "Its a little square thing with your picture on it"

The blonde driver reaches in her bag and hands the cop her makeup mirror.

The cop takes the mirror, looks at it and exclaims "Well why didn't you tell me you were a cop? On you go. Have a great day".

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes