Excellent Jokes
109 excellent jokes and hilarious excellent puns to laugh out loud. Read science jokes about excellent that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover some of the most excellent jokes! From excellent Christmas jokes to the best April Fools pranks, this large collection of volumes provide prospective and experienced jokers alike with the opportunity to increase their joke repertoire and make their friends and family laugh. Learn how to write jokes like a violinist with these excellent volumes.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Excellent Short Jokes
Short excellent jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The excellent humour may include short outstanding jokes also.
- My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
- What do men and excel have in common? They're always automatically turning things into dates when they're not.
- My farmer friend told me that horse manure is excellent for strawberries. I said, You may be right, but I still prefer whipped cream.
- Microsoft Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?
Me : I excel at it
Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?
Me : word - ''Mr president, what would you say is your best lie to the American people?'' "I have never lied to the American people."
"Excellent choice, Mr president. Thank you." - I have a joke for you The government in this country is excellent, and uses your tax dollars efficiently.
- My son used to be horrible at graphing trig functions. Luckily he's made excellent sines of improvement.
- A hunter went out on a hunting trip. He took his sons cigarettes by mistake. He had an excellent day. He shot 2 bucks, a boar, a black bear, and a unicorn.
- Why did mark zuckerberg only need a sip of water? Zucculents are excellent at storing water and can thrive in arid climates.
- Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut. After I left, they were humming my praises.
Share These Excellent Jokes With Friends
Excellent One Liners
Which excellent one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with excellent? I can suggest the ones about fantastic and wonderful.
- What do Incel and Excel have in common? Misinterpreting something as a date.
- My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately he was excellent so I don't care.
- How many Excel users does it take to screw in a light bulb? Monday January 01, 1900
- I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days Excellent.
- My ceramics teacher was excellent. Day after day, she was always kiln it.
- I'm about to reveal a secret to being an excellent guitar player Stay tuned
- Hey girl are you proficient in Excel? Cause I need your help spreadin' some sheets.
- I took a Microsoft Office class and got an A I Excelled at it.
- What does a great accountant do? He Excels
- I love making spreadsheets. I excel at it.
- A lot of Microsoft employees are former incels They call themselves "Microsoft Excels."
- What shirt size does Bill Gates wear? Excel.
- I'm not excel-ent in my job but at least .. I know my sheet.
- What's the most dangerous place in an Excel file? C4
- Did you hear about the clam that could play violin? It had excellent mussel memory.
Witty Excellent Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about excellent you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean superb jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make excellent pranks.
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
Four old ladies were sitting together...
The first one says, "My son is a bishop, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your excellence.'"
The second one says, "Well, my son is a cardinal, and when he walks into a room, people say 'Your eminence.'"
The third lady says, "My son's the Pope, and when he steps into a room, people say 'Your holiness.'"
The fourth woman says, "My son's only a priest, hardly 5 feet but over 300 pounds. And whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Oh my God!'"
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.
He opens it to find two policemen standing there. One policeman asks if he is married. He says, Yes, I am.
The policeman then says, I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck.
The guy replies, I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.
A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car
"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"
A lion goes into a restaurant
He sits down, and starts looking through the menu. After a while, the waiter comes over.
"What would you like to drink, sir?" Asked the waiter.
"A glass of the house wine please." The lion responds.
"Excellent choice sir! Might I recommend the Salmon for the starter?"
"Sounds delicious!"
"And what can I get you for your main?"
"Oh, just a comb."
A man in a job interview.
Interviewer: "This job requires you to know Powerpoint, how skilled are you with the program"
Man: "Well, I Excel in Powerpoint"
Interviewer: "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?"
Man: "Word."
The newest iPhone 6 Plus has an excellent battery life, thanks to...
...the energy generated by the perpetual motion of Steve Jobs rolling in his grave.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
The Priest and the Altar Boy
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'
Cell references in excel are like gold diggers.
If you want them to stay in the same place you have to throw some money at them.
How to tell the difference between a bad, a good and an excellent accountant ?
When you ask them "2+2 is ?":
- The bad accountant will say "5"
- The good accountant will say "4"
- The excellent accountant will say "how much do you want?"
Four older men are bragging about their sons
The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".
The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".
The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".
"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.
"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"
...told by my parish priest.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Boss p**...
I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
My new puppy is an excellent blacksmith...
...every time I yell he makes a bolt for the door!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As an Asian male, I'm offended by the stereotype that we're bad drivers and have small p**....
I am an excellent driver.
First meeting
I remember my first meeting with my manager at my old job.
My manager asked,
"How good are you at PowerPoint?"
I said, "I excel at it."
He replied, "was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
I was like, "Word."
A Man named McMurphy is accused of robbing a bank...
On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy "Does that mean i get to keep the money?"
Why is Excel like a hotel maid?
They both spread sheets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women how I like the borders of my Excel cells
With a thick bottom
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?
The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: Your eyesight is excellent darling
"The Best Way To Stop A Bad Guy With A Gun Is With A Good Guy With A Gun"
Is an excellent sales pitch for doubling your sales.
They fired my friend, doctor, for sleeping with his patient
After 7 years of studying, they fired my friend, doctor. He slept with his patient and can no longer carry out his profession for this. So much effort, time, money, and hop, it's just a one little mistake that makes you lose everything. Dave, I stand by you, you are still a wonderful person and an excellent veterinarian for me!
Literally the guy you asked for
A woman looking for a relationship places an ad, saying, Looking for a guy that won't beat me, won't run away on me and will satisfy me nicely. Am good looking, excellent cook.
Three days later, there's a loud knocking at her door. Behind it there's a guy with no arms and no legs, smiling expectantly. Dear Amy, he says, I have no arms so I couldn't even beat you if I tried. I have no legs and I can't run away on you. I'm your guy.
That's very nice, says Amy, surprised, but how will you be able to satisfy me?
His smile widens, You did hear the knocking, didn't you?
Despite my excellence in all other school subjects, I always got bad grades in Greek history.
It was my Achille's elbow
Mrs. Jones was giving a spelling test to her third grade class...
How do you spell the word 'straight'? asked Mrs. Jones.
Little Johnny shouts, S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T!!
Excellent job Johnny! And what does that word mean?
Without ice.
Spy intels
A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.
Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?
'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.
Personally, I think I'd be the most excellent criminal in the world.
Because I wouldn't show up on any wanted lists.
^^:(
I went to China
It was excellent. I left a review on their flag.
Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant
"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.
"I'll have the steak", says Putin.
"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.
"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.
My boss asked me how good I was at making spreadsheets.
I told him I Excel at it.
What kind of career would a spider excel in?
Web design
Hehehe
Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...
A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."
"Good morning." She replies.
"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.
"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.
"Excellent trade, Ma'am."
On the one hand I'm not too bad at doing spreadsheets.
On the other hand I don't excel in it.
When I was young, I prayed to god, please let me excel in life
Turns out the crazy guy did grant my wish. I excel everyday now
Did you hear about a house built by Microsoft?
What it Excels in is the Outlook from its Windows.
Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?
I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.
A man is sitting at home when he gets a knock on the door from a police officer…
The officer asks the man if he is married, and the man replies yes, I am.
He then asks the man if he has a recent photograph of his wife. The man tells the officer to hold on one moment while he pulls out his phone to show him a picture of her.
The officer takes one look at the photo and tells the man I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train...
The man says yes, I'm aware of that, But she has a great personality, makes me laugh, and it is a really excellent cook!
This is a joke from 1872
A man said to a preacher, "That was an excellent sermon, but it was not original." The preacher was taken aback. The man said he had a book at home containing every word the preacher used. The next day the man brought the preacher a dictionary.
Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.
But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.
shoutout u/Duttywood
One Bill Gates' divorce
According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn't work together as Teams. On the Surface they were a perfect couple, but deep down there was hardly any Kinect. He kept everything hidden like an X-Box and she never found it re- Azuring Finally she realized there was no Window of opportunity to stay together.
What is other word for dead cell?
Excel.
Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.
He asks a student "Who is your father?
The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."
Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"
The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother."
Kim Jong applauses. "What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you're older?"
The student replies "An orphan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just got back from the f**... of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
The f**... was sad, but the reception was excellent.
Pregnant horses would be excellent in a race
They have twice the horsepower
3 blondes were standing around some tracks.
The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"
The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".
The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance between the tracks - it's obvious they're bear tracks!"
The other two blondes looked at the third in admiration of her excellent knowledge of nature, and then all 3 were hit by a train.
What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?
They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.
(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.
As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't see what's wrong with sharing a good joke for others to enjoy. :/
I bumped into an old mate of mine yesterday
I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He immediately started showing off, talking about him being an excellent writter and the book he recently launched.
Continuing to show off, he said, "My book has sold 1000 copies till date."
I said, "And how many copies did you buy?."
He said, "Not even one, hahaha jealous much?"
I said, "Wise decision nonetheless."
Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth"
They also do takeaways.
Ooops
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
I didn't see the end of that one coming....Bwaahaa!
Every time I'm depressed, I walk into a cornfield...
I stand in the middle and talk about all of my problems. The cornfield is an excellent listener because it's all ears.
I think I am an excellent cook...
It takes real skill to cook up a lie like that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A colleague offered to document my workweek using Microsoft Excel, but I said h**... no.
I don't want anyone to spreadsheet about me.
A 90 year old man gets married...
A 90 year old man gets married to a 20 year old. He goes to the doctor to make sure that he is physically fit enough for relations.
The doctor then says, "You know how young folks can get lonely without someone of their own age to talk to, why don't you get a young border to... keep her company?"
The 90 year old man thinks this is an excellent idea. Later the doctor meets up with him and asks, "How is your wife?"
The old man says, "Great she is pregnant."
The doctor then says, "And how is your young border?"
The old man replies, "Just as great, she is pregnant too!"
Glass half full
Optimist thinks the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist thinks the glass is 1/2 empty.
Excel knows the glass is February the 1st.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do incels and Excel have in common?
They both wrongly assume something is a date when it's not
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
