examines Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious examines puns

I'm sorry for this

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

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A man take his dog to the vet, and then...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, "my dog's cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

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A man takes his dog to the vet...

He says to the vet
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, 'let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

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A man goes to the doctor and says,

"Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my anus."

The doctor instructs him to drop his trousers, and then examines him.

The man asks, "Is it serious, doc?"

The doctor replies, "Sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"What? Why?" asks the guy.

"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."

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A dog goes into a telegraph office

A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.

The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price.

The dog looks confused and replies, But that would make no sense at all."

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A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.

The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an erection at this moment".

The man says "But I don't have an erection" "No but I do" the doctor replied.

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet...

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Okay,' says the vet. 'Let's have a look at him.' So he picks up the dog examines his eyes and checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' asks the man. 'No,' replies the vet. 'Because he's really, really heavy.'

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A Zoo Keeper gets raped by an Elephant

And he's rushed to hospital for treatment.
The doctor examines him and asks why his bottom has been stretched out 10 inches when an Elephant's erect penis is only 4ins wide.
Weeping, the man say's The dirty bastard fingered me first !

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A girl goes to the doctor ..

A girl goes to a doctor to ask about green spots on the inside of her thighs.

The doctor examines them and then asks "Is your boyfriend a gypsy"

Amazed, the girl says "Yes, Why?"

The doctor says "Well, tell him his earrings are not gold"

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A Gynecologist walks into an exam room

Gynecologist walks into an exam room. The woman on the exam table shows the doctor two strange green dots, one on each inner thigh. Puzzled at first, the doctor examines them more closely. He then asks the woman "Would you happen to be a lesbian?" The woman answers "Why, yes, but I don't see what that has to do with these dots!" The doctor replied.. "Tell your girlfriend to get some REAL gold earrings!"

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Hit by a fastball

A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs
and a pained expression on his face.
"what happened darling?" says his wife.
"I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies.
"Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better".
So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils.
"how's that my darling, are you feeling better?"
The man examines his bruised finger and says:
"That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

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Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

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Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"

The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

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A Man goes to his Doctor and says........

"Doctor I need help, I've just been raped by an elephant!"
"Oh my" says the Doctor. "I'd better take a look and see."
So the man strips down and the Doctor examines him and sure enough his arsehole has been hugely stretched and seems to be about 12 inches wide.
"This is serious, says the Doctor, but I'm confused. I thought that an elephants penis was long, but thin."
"Yes that's true." Replied the man............................
"But the bastard fingered me first!"

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A man goes to a doctor. The doctor examines him and finds out he has five penises.

The doctor says, "That's amazing! How do your pants fit?"

The man says, "Like a glove."

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Physics joke

A man is interested in placing a bet on a horse race; only he's a smart, educated guy and doesn't want to blow his money on the wrong horse. He decides to consult a vet, a statistician an a physicist.

He goes to the vet. The vet examines the horses for a few minutes, then points to a horse and says: "this is the healthiest, strongest, horse. He'll probably win".

He then goes to the statistician. The statistician takes a couple of hours to analyze all the previous races of all contending horses. He takes into account the horse's nutrition, the weather, the day of the week, the number of spectators and many other factors. In the end, he points to a horse and says that, based on past performance, it has the highest probability of winning the race.

Finally, the man goes to a physicist. The physicist thinks for a few minutes and tells him he needs a few days to think it over. A day passes, then two days, then three. It's finally a day before the race and the bets have to be placed. But still there's no word from the physicist. The man decides he has to get an answer so he angrily calls the physicist himself. His reply? "listen, the problem you've given me was harder than I anticipated. By now, I only managed to solve it for a spherical horse in vacuum".

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How about a military joke?

It's time for boot camp inspection and all the Privates line up. While inspecting the rifles the Drill Sargent examines one of the lazier Privates rifle a little more closely and shouts **Private! This magazine is dirty! Clean it again!** So the Private cleans it again.
Next time inspection comes, the Drill Sargent stops and looks at the Privates rifle. And again **Private! This magazine is dirty! Clean it again!" So the Private cleans it again.**
The next time it's time for inspection the Private decides he's going to go all out while cleaning his magazine. There's no way that his Drill Sargent will have a problem this time.
But again the Drill Sargent looks at the magazine and shouts **Private! This magazine is dirty! Clean it again!**

Now the Private is sick it. So on his next trip to town he buys a porno and leaves it open on his rifle. When the Drill Sargent comes to do inspection he looks at the book and shouts **Private! What is this?!**
And the Private shouts back **That Sir is a dirty magazine!**

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A woman goes into the doctor and tells him she was masturbating a little too furiously, and her vibrator got stuck.

The doctor examines her and tells her, "Well, the bad news is, it's going to cost $1000 to remove it."

The woman says, "Well, how much does it cost just to change the batteries?"

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A distraught man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt!"

The doctor asks him to drop his pants and examines him.

The man asks: "Doc, does it look serious?"

The doctor replies: "Sorry to tell you, but it's just the tip of the iceberg."

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A Second Opinion

A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. ""$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "

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Two guys are building a house

During lunch break one of them grabs a box of nails and examines each individual nail before either putting it in a box or throwing it away.

"Why the hell are you throwing those nail out?" asks the other guy.

"Because they're pointed at the wrong end"

"You idiot!" shouts the other guy "Those are for the other side of the house!"

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Silent and deadly

An old man comes to the doctor and complains that he feels like he's farting all the time but there is no smell or sound. The doctor examines the man and prescribes some pills. After a week or so the old man returns, furious: "What the hell doc, I still feel like I'm farting all the time, there's still no noise, but your pills made the smell unbearable". To which the doctor replies, calmly, "Allright, seems that we've cured your sinus infection, now lets work on your hearing".

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...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*!

**Doctor:** ...there's money here!

...*using forceps to pull out a Β£20 note*.

**blonde:** ...How much is there?

...*still finding more.... Β£10 notes, Β£50 notes and some loose change*!

**Doctor:** ...Β£1999.97 exactly!

**blonde:** ...I thought I wasn't feeling too grand!

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A married man suffering from stuttering consulted a famous doctor

The doctor carefully examines the patient and comes to a conclusion that his dick is too huge and needs to be replaced with a smaller one. After a long pause, the patient agrees and had the surgery. When he woke up, his stuttering was gone and was satisified.

After a few weeks he comes back to the clinic.

Patient: Doc, I'm now having marital problems. My wife doesn't want to make love to me anymore. Please give me back my old dick back.

Doctor: Nnnononono cccacacannn dddododooo. A a a a a dddededeeaall iiiiss a a a a dddededeal.

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A guy goes to the doctor

The doctor examines him and determines he has a tape worm ! He tells him to stuff a Twix and a Mars bar up his ass everyday then come back in a month. A month later the guy comes back and tells the doctor the cure is not working as the tape worm is getting bigger. The doctor tells him to bend over and stuffs a Twix up his ass..he waits a minute and the tape worm pokes his head out of the guys ass and shouts " Where's me Mars bar ?" The doctor hits the worm on the head with a hammer.

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A parole officer makes a house visit...

He walks sternly and silently into the house then to the upstairs hallway. He stops, reaches up and pulls a chord which releases a smaller set of stairs. He trudges up them and at the top he stands with a scowl as he examines the unfortunate scene. He yells, "What the hell, are you ever going to get clean?" With arms crossed, he waits for an answer, then finally gets it,

"What can I say, I'm an attic."







(Jesus christ, what am I doing with my life. 28 years old, stoned like a philistine and taking far, far too long to come up with this fucking joke and for what? A few upvotes that slowly plummet like a certain interim CEO's career. End with zero upvotes and three comments telling me that this non joke made them want to physically strangle the last remaining animal of an endangered species. I am not a man.)

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A man goes to the doctor and says...

"Doc, it hurts when I poke here, when I poke here, and when I poke here. And it hurts here, and here, and here too. What's wrong with me, Doc?"

The doctor goes over to the man, examines him for a second, then says, "Well, it appears that you have a broken finger."

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A constipated man goes to the doctor

He is really hurting. The doctor examines him and says "I am giving you a prescription for suppositories. Take them twice a day. You should be fine."



A week later the man returns to the doctor looking more grim than ever.



"Doc," he says, "I still haven't gone!"



The doctor is incredulous "Did you take the suppositories?!"



"Yes!" the man says, "But for all the good they did me, I should have shoved them up my ass!"

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a man takes his crossed-eyed bull dog to the vet..

The vet examines him, looks in his eyes, ears, mouth.

he picks up the dog and checks his legs and belly. finally, the vet says "i'm gonna have to put him down"

"because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man

"no, because he's really heavy."

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A man visits a dentist

He has horrible pain in his mouth.

The dentist examines him, and says, "There is extensive damage in here, what is your diet like?"
The man says, "Hollandaise sauce. Morning, noon and night. I eat it on everything."
"Well, the damage seems very extensive, but I think I can fix it. You will need several root canals, and then I will install a chrome plate."
"A chrome plate? That seems really severe."
"Don't worry, you will be able to eat anything you want. No problems."
"Even hollandaise? I really love that sauce."
"Why sure, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

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A man takes his wife to the doctor.

The doctor examines her and tells him that she's either got Alzheimer's or HIV, he can't tell. The man asks for advice on what to do, the doctor tells him "Drive her out into the country and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't fuck her."

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[Nsfw] A woman goes to her doctor...

"Doctor there are strange postage stamps in my vagina. I don't know what's going on!"
"Let me take a look" says the doctor as he examines the lady.
"Well mam. It seems that it isn't postage stamps. It's just the stickers from your bananas"

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A visit to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom." The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "Is it serious, doctor?" The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

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A guy goes to a doctor...

...because he can't come anymore.

"Doctor I can't come!"

The doctor examines him and gives him some pills. "Take these pills. If you come don't come back but if you don't come well come see me again."

A few weeks later, the guy is back. He tells the secretary: "I came here a few weeks ago because I couldn't come. The doctor gave me these pills and told me not to come if I came, but if I didn't come I was to come straight away. I took the pills and I came. So I didn't come. Now that I can't come anymore, here I am."

The secretary goes to the doctor:

"Doctor, there's this guy whom you told not to come if he came but to come if he couldn't come. He came so he didn't come. But now he can't come, so he came."

The doctor answers:

"Very well Mademoiselle, let him come in".

She says:

"That's what I did, then he left."

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What are the most funny Examines jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Examines? Well, here are the best Examines dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Examines pick up lines to share with friends.

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