Examine Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

I went to the doctor the other day

He said that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".

He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

So this guy goes to the Dr.

And the Dr says "You have to stop masturbating."

the guy says "Why?"

And the Dr says "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I went to get a prostate exam and the doctor told me I need to stop masterbating...

I asked why?

He said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

A man has an appointment with a urologist.

The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop masturbating."

The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"

The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"What? Why?" asks the guy.

"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."

Physical Examination Time!

A man goes to the doctor to get a full physical examination. At one point the doctor asks him to remove his pants and underwear and then proceeds to examine the man's balls. Whilst fondling the man's balls, the doctor says "It's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure". The man, a little puzzled, says "I don't have an erection", to which the doctor replies, "I do".

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

The man asked, "Why?"

The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

I made this joke!

One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just one long 'knight' after another."

I went to the doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.

"Why"? I asked him.

"So I can examine you." he said.

A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor for his annual checkup, and the doctor says, "You need to stop masturbating."

"Why?" the man asks.

The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Doctor: "I have some bad news. You going to have to stop masturbating."

Man: "That's terrible, doc, why?!"

Doctor: "I'm trying to examine you."

Louiis CK goes to see his doctor...

Doctor says:

I have some bad news for you. You have to stop masturbating!

Oh no doc! Why? Why?!

I'm trying to examine you!

A guy went to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor said,"Well first of all, sir, you'll have to stop masturbating." The guy said,"Why?" The doctor replied, "So I can examine you."

Doctor: You need to stop masturbating

Me: But why?

Doc: Because I need to fucking examine you

Not for your health.

A man walks into the doctor's office for his annual check up. The doctor starts to look him over and says, "you need to stop masturbating"

The man looks up at the doctor concerned and asks, "why?"

And the doctor replies, "because i'm trying to examine you."

A serial masturbator goes to the doctor.

Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." Man asks, "Why?" Doctor says, "So that I can examine you."

Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.

The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.

'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'

The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.

I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.

The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'

I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.

A man goes to see his doctor...

A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

The man says "What! why?"

The doctor says "So I can examine you"

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.

She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on

Make him put his clothes on

Hey girl, are you a derivative?

Because I'd like to examine the slope of your curves

A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...

He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the tourist handed the jug back to the local, who banged the stopper and set the jug back in his truck.
"Aren't you going to have some?" asked the tourist.
The local shook his head. "Not till after the officer comes."

gay prostate exam joke

a gay man goes in to get a prostate exam.

he is told to bend over when the doctor starts to examine his prostate.

the man says to the doctor:

"please take off your ring, it's hurting me"


the doctor says:

"That's not my ring. that's my rolex!"

Government contracts

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.

I recently went to the doctor. He said you have to stop masturbating.

I said Why? He said "Because I'm trying to examine you.

My doctor told me i had to stop masturbating.

"Why?" I exclaimed.
"Because Im trying to examine you."

I went to a proctologist...

And he said to me: you need to stop masturbing.


I said: why?


And then he responds: So I can examine you.

Prostate exam

A man goes to the doctor for a prostate exam. He pulls down his pants and after a while the doctor says "You're gonna have to stop masturbating".
The man asks "Why?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you.", replies the doctor.

A midget cowboy goes to the doctor

The testicles of a midget cowboy hurt and ached almost all the time.The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.


The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.


The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him.The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.


"Hmm...."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the
right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again..


"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.....


Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.


The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.


The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to
see if his testicles still hurt.


The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his testicles were no longer aching.


The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"


The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"


The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots..."

Check up.

So a guy goes to the doctor to get his check up. He gets in there and the doctors looking him over and says "you're going to have to stop pleasuring yourself" and the man asks why? The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you".

Custer's last words

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the confused artist.

"No, I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts"

"And there you have it" said the artist "His last words were - Holy cow! look at all those fucking indians!"

A doctor tells his patient he has to stop masturbating... probably NSFW

"Why?" the man asked.

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

A doctor tells a man that he has to stop masturbating.

The man is surprised and says, "Why?"
And the doctor says,"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

DON'T QUESTION YOUR DOCTOR

A man went to see his doctor.
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor told
him.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to
examine you!"

A mortician was working late one night...

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.

Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!

The Pope falls seriously ill and all the
cardinals are very worried.

They get the best doctors in Vatican City but nothing
helps. Eventually one of the cardinals says: There is only one doctor left that we haven't tried, he is the best in all Italy.

So the cardinals order him to summon the doctor to examine the Pope. The doctor comes to the council of cardinals and says:
I have good news and bad news, the Holy Father has cancer of the testicles, but the good news is he can be cured, all he needs
to do is take this drug and have sex with a woman.

The cardinals recoil in shock. Obviously this treatment is impossible because he is the Holy Father and therefore must remain celibate. Unfortunately, there is no other way, so one of the cardinals approaches the Pope and explains the situation. Holy Father, you have a terrible cancer and will die unless you have sex with a woman.

The Pope ponders this for a moment, then declares, Ok, I'll do it, but on three conditions.

Okay, says the cardinal. What are the conditions?

One, the woman must be blind, so she will never know who she made love with.

Okay, your Holiness, what next?

Two, the woman must be dumb, so if she ever realizes who she made love to, she will not be able to tell.

Certainly, your Holiness. And the third condition?

She has to have big tits.

A guy goes to his doctor.

The doctor says to him, "You need to stop masturbating". The patient says "What? Why?". The doctor replies "So I can examine you"

Tell this as a real story, and you will get a groan out of pretty much everybody.

About 200 dead crows were found near Regina, and
there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the
remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car
impact. The Province then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine
the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby
tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow
could say "Cah," but he could not say, "Truck."

An Irishman goes to the doctor's surgery ...

and he says to the doctor "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a Β£20 note from the Irishman's bottom.

"Did you know you had a Β£20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man.

"No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?"

So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another Β£20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on.

"So, how did you manage to get Β£1980 in used Β£20 notes into your bum?"

"I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."

A Man Goes to the Doctor...

The Doctor says, "Mr. Smith - you have to stop masturbating."

The man replies, "Why, Doctor?"

The Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[Originally heard from Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams]

So I went to the doctor yesterday because I've been feeling tired all the time.

He told me I needed to quit masturbating.

I asked him if that would solve my problem. "No," he replied, "but I can't examine you while you're doing it."

I went to see my Urologist... [NSFW]

Who happens to be a gorgeous blond with great tits and a winning personality.

She comes into the room looking over my chart and begins to tell me that I need to stop masturbating.

I give her a puzzled look and ask her why.

She looks at me and says, I'm trying to examine you.

My doctor told me I really needed to stop masturbating.

I was pretty baffled. "I didn't know it was unhealthy! What's it going to hurt?"

He seemed a little stunned that I was stunned. "Look it's not that it's unhealthy; it's that I'm trying to examine you right now."

Bad News.

Doctor: "I have some bad news for you. You REALLY have to stop masturbating."

"Oh my God doc, why, WHY?"

"I am trying to examine you!"

My Doctor Told Me I'd Have To Stop Masturbating . . .

I'm like, "What? I thought it was OK!"

He goes, "Yeah, sure, but I'm trying to examine you!"

A guy goes to the doctor

Doctor: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.

Guy: Really, doc?! Like, forever?

Doctor: No, just for a few minutes, so I can examine you.

I just got back from the doctors..

And he said I should stop masturbating. I asked "why?" and he said "because I'm trying to examine you".

So my doctor just told me this joke ...

A man brings his wife into the doctor's office and tells the doctor, "There is something wrong with her but I can't tell what. Can you examine her?"

The doctor does, and returns. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on but I've narrowed it down to either Alzheimer's or AIDS. I think there's a way you can figure it out, though."

"What's that?" asks the husband.

"Well," the doctor says. "Take her home but drop her off two blocks from your house. If she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

A woman and baby are in the doctor's clinic

The doc is concerned about the baby's weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?

The woman replies, "Breast fed."

The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."

Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"

I went to the optician the other day. The optician said: "You will have to stop masturbating!"

Optician: "You will have to stop masturbating!"
Me: "What? It doesn't really make you go blind, does it?!"
Optician: "No, but I am trying to examine you right now."

The other day I went to the doctors office.

The doctor said to me, "You've got to stop masturbating." I replied, "What? Why?" The doctor answered, "So I can examine you."

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

A man goes to see the urologist...

And the Doctor says: "Sir, I must tell you that you have to stop masturbating." Shocked, the man asks for what reason. Doctor replies: "Because otherwise I can't examine you."

A man is having trouble in bed, so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him he's going to need to stop masturbating.

"Why?" the man asks.

"So I can examine you", the doctor replies.

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," said the vet.

One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article is your vagina getting saggy

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across the room and throws her across the bed with enough force to propel her ass over tit.

What the hell are you doing she exclaims. You could have broken my legs.

Broke you legs the replies. If you fell down that hole you would have broken your fucking neck.

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up...

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A dude goes to the doctor , the doctor says "sir you have to stop masturbaiting "

the patient asks why?

The doctor goes "cause i'm trying to examine you"

A man goes to the doctor...

The doctor asks him what's wrong.

"Doc, my chest has been hurting, and I've had a terrible cough for three days. And I think I've been running a fever."

The doctor looks him up and down and quickly says, "Well I can tell you right now you're going to have to stop masturbating immediately."

Shocked, the man says "Why???"

"So I can examine you."

A man brings 3 scientists into a large room...

...a biologist, an engineer, and a physicist. In corner of the room is an elephant, and nothing else. The man tells the scientists "If you can correctly identify this animal, I will give you $50,000". He lets each of the scientists examine the animal, and then separates them.

The man first asks the biologist, "What is this animal?". The biologist responds "That is an African Elephant, *Loxodonta africana*". The biologist takes his $50,000 and leaves.

The man then asks the engineer, "What is this animal?". The engineer responds "That is an elephant, but lets say two elephants to be sure". The engineer takes his $50,000 and leaves.

The man finally asks the physicist, "What is this animal?". The physicist says "Well, let's first assume its a perfect sphere in a vacuum..."

My doctor wouldn't examine me when I said I was having hearing problems...

He just said it was ear relevant

Doctor's office

A man walk's into the doctor's office to get a check-up. The doctor tells the man he needs to quit masturbating. The man asks why . The doctor says, "So I can examine you".

I went for a check-up the other day. The doctor said 'You've got to stop masturbating'

I said, 'Why?'

'Because I'm trying to examine you'.

"Sir, you have to stop masturbating."

"Why doctor ?"

"Because I have to examine you."

A man went to the doctor...

The doctor walked into the room, took one look at the man, and said "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to stop masturbating."

The man asked "Why?"

To this, the doctor responded "Because I'm trying to examine you."

So, a mother takes her daughter to a doctor...

A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the
doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and
I'm worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never
even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and
said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"

"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out
there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one
was going to show up."

A doctor is examining his patient

Doc: How many times do you masturbate a day?

Man: Idk, ten?

Doc: Do you think you can cut down on that?

Man: Why?

Doc: Because I'm trying to examine you.

Two carpenters are nailing up siding...

Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to him and asks "Why are you doing that?" to which the first carpenter replies "Half of these nails have the head on the wrong end!" The second carpenter says back to him "You idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

A guy goes to his doctor, and the doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating." And the guy's like, "Wait, why?"

The doctor reploes, "So I can examine you."

Doctor's Office

A man is called into the doctor's office for his yearly checkup. When he enters the office, the doctor tells the man that he needs to stop masturbating.

The man is taken aback. Angrily, he asks the doctor why.

The doctor says "So I can examine you."

What are the funniest examine jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Examine? Well, here are the best Examine puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Examine pick up lines to share with friends.

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