Examine Jokes
65 examine jokes and hilarious examine puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about examine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Examine Short Jokes
Short examine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The examine humour may include short examination jokes also.
- I took my dog to the vet The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".
"Why, what's wrong with him?"
"He's too heavy" - A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined... The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The man asks why.
"He's heavy." - A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
- I was at the dentist this morning and while he was examining my mouth, I bit his finger. I think I left a good impression.
- Did you hear about the doctor that ignored an eye infection and went blind? He examined himself, but couldn't see anything wrong.
- I took my shoddy suit to the tailors, and said, "can this be repaired? It looks like the stitching's come undone." "Hmmm, yes... ", he replied, examining the suit, "sew it's seams".
- Wife has chest pains and is examined at ER Doc comes out and says to husband,
"She has acute angina"
Husband says, "I know.....I know..but what is wrong with her?" - You know what's great about being a medical examiner? Not having to wait until you go home to crack open a cold one.
- A dude goes to the doctor , the doctor says "sir you have to stop masturbaiting " the patient asks why?
The doctor goes "cause i'm trying to examine you" - My doctor wouldn't examine me when I said I was having hearing problems... He just said it was ear relevant
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Examine One Liners
Which examine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with examine? I can suggest the ones about investigate and exam over.
- I just got my prostate examined. That's the last time I fall asleep on the train.
- I just had my first prostate examination Worst dentist ever.
- Hey girl, are you a derivative? Because I'd like to examine the slope of your curves
- LPT: Don't let a doctor examine you without clothes on Make him put his clothes on
- My girlfriend failed her breast examination. She got a D.
But in my eyes, she passed. - What's a nuns favort part of trial The cross examination
- Name the nation people hate most Examination
- I asked Nurse Joy if she could examine me. She said "I'll take a Pikachu."
- I passed my conjoined twin examination. I got the answers from the guy next to me
- A nutritionist wants us to examine a sandwich. So lettuce...
- I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
- Which nation does Kim Jon Un hates the most? Examination
- What do medical examiners do for fun? Crack open a couple of cold ones.
- A fun story!. Harry
Examined
Isaac's
Lemon
Hiding
In
The
Large
Eating
Room - What do you call examination of professional persons? A protest
Quirky and Hilarious Examine Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about examine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean explore jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make examine pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy goes to the doctor...
...and says "Doc! I have a headache and I'm very nauseous."
The doc says "well, you need to stop m**...."
The guy says "oh, so that's why I'm feeling sick?"
And the doc says, "No, because I'm trying to examine you!"
A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...
He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the tourist handed the jug back to the local, who banged the stopper and set the jug back in his truck.
"Aren't you going to have some?" asked the tourist.
The local shook his head. "Not till after the officer comes."
So, a mother takes her daughter to a doctor...
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother asked the
doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and
I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little girl has never
even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She turns to the girl and
said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently
he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued staring
until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out
there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this
happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one
was going to show up."
Check up.
So a guy goes to the doctor to get his check up. He gets in there and the doctors looking him over and says "you're going to have to stop pleasuring yourself" and the man asks why? The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you".
Tell this as a real story, and you will get a groan out of pretty much everybody.
About 200 dead crows were found near Regina, and
there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the
remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car
impact. The Province then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine
the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby
tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow
could say "Cah," but he could not say, "Truck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bad News.
Doctor: "I have some bad news for you. You REALLY have to stop m**...."
"Oh my God doc, why, WHY?"
"I am trying to examine you!"
Government contracts
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how our government operates.
Dr joke I just made up
A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
A mortician was working late one night...
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
I'm sorry Mr. Sam, said the mortician, but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.
And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.
I have something to show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened his briefcase.
Oh, my God! she screamed, Sam is dead!
I made this joke!
One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just one long 'knight' after another."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is that dog p**...?
A guy is walking down the street and sees a brown lump ahead. "Is that dog p**...?" He thinks to himself.
He approaches it to examine if it is dog p**.... "Well it looks like dog p**...." He bends down and sniffs it. "Smells like dog p**...." He grazes the substance with his finger. "Feels like dog p**...." His finger scoops up a part of the p**..., and he licks it. "Tastes like dog p**....... Yep, this is dog p**... alright."
"Well, good thing I didn't step in it."
Two carpenters are nailing up siding...
Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to him and asks "Why are you doing that?" to which the first carpenter replies "Half of these nails have the head on the wrong end!" The second carpenter says back to him "You idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"
Superstitious captain
There was a very superstitious captain that kept a locked box in his quarters which he would open daily to examine. Before any battle he would do the same. None of his men knew what was in the box but they had never come close to losing a battle, so they knew it must be powerful.
On one occasion the captain approached his first mate and told him, "I don't believe I'll survive the next battle;take the key to my lockbox and look inside once you take over as captain."
The first mate does so and sure enough the very first cannonball hiys yhe captain directly in the chest. After the battle is ome the first mate (now captain) goes into his quarters and opens the box. Inside he finds only a piece of paper on which is written:
Left: port.
Right: starboard
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What Not to Do When You Get a Prostate Exam
Last time I went in for a prostate exam, the Doctor walked in and WOWZER! She was a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! As she's doing the finger-wave, she says....."Mike, you've got to stop m**...".....................I said "Why?" She says "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor's Orders
So I was at a doctor's appointment having a check up, when the doctor instructed me that I needed to stop m**... so furiously. When I asked why, he said "because I'm trying to examine you"
A man brings 3 scientists into a large room...
...a biologist, an engineer, and a physicist. In corner of the room is an elephant, and nothing else. The man tells the scientists "If you can correctly identify this animal, I will give you $50,000". He lets each of the scientists examine the animal, and then separates them.
The man first asks the biologist, "What is this animal?". The biologist responds "That is an African Elephant, *Loxodonta africana*". The biologist takes his $50,000 and leaves.
The man then asks the engineer, "What is this animal?". The engineer responds "That is an elephant, but lets say two elephants to be sure". The engineer takes his $50,000 and leaves.
The man finally asks the physicist, "What is this animal?". The physicist says "Well, let's first assume its a perfect sphere in a vacuum..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy goes to the doctor
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop m**...."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
Do you want to examine a whole colon?
;;
Every examiner during viva is like , " You know nothing Jon Snow ".
Three blind elephants examine a human being
Three blind elephants came upon a human being for the first time. They gathered close and felt the strange creature with their snouts.
The first blind elephant said, "A human being is thin and stands on its hind legs."
The second said, "A human being is flat and mushy."
The third said, "Yeah, my bad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.
I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nut
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I went to the doctor yesterday because I've been feeling tired all the time.
He told me I needed to quit m**....
I asked him if that would solve my problem. "No," he replied, "but I can't examine you while you're doing it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New test for Parkinson's desease
You have to pee in a jar and in the lab they examine the jar. If there is u**... in the jar, you don't have Parkinson's.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My doctor told me I had to quit m**...
Turns out it was because he was trying to examine me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to visit the doctor because his arm is hurting
Doc: "I think you need to stop m**..."
Man: "What!? Why?"
Doc: "Because Im trying to examine your arm"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Goes to the Doctor...
The Doctor says, "Mr. Smith - you have to stop m**...."
The man replies, "Why, Doctor?"
The Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
[Originally heard from Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams]
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As he inserted the r**... thermometer [n**...]
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the doctor the other day
He said that I needed to stop m**....
I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".
He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to doctor...
"Doc, I can't sleep"
"Okay, let's have a look. Hmm... okay, sir, I think you have to quit m**..."
"Why?"
"So that I can examine you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the doctor and said my back hurts
He said "You're going to have to stop m**..."
"Why?"
"So I can examine you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
gay prostate exam joke
a gay man goes in to get a prostate exam.
he is told to bend over when the doctor starts to examine his prostate.
the man says to the doctor:
"please t**... ring, it's hurting me"
the doctor says:
"That's not my ring. that's my rolex!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Louiis c**... goes to see his doctor...
Doctor says:
I have some bad news for you. You have to stop m**...!
Oh no doc! Why? Why?!
I'm trying to examine you!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, I had a doctors appointment yesterday.
I was sitting in the exam room in the paper gown when in walks the most gorgeous doctor I've ever seen. She picked up my chart and looked over it for a few minutes. Finally, she looked up and said, "Mr. Cow, you're going to have to stop m**...." I said, "Why?!" She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the jew gastroenterologist refuse to examine h**...?
He hated his guts
This exchange on the ride home from school after fainting
Dad:the cats should examine you
Me: uh huh
Dad:they'll do a cat scan
My doctor
\*taking of clothes so doctor can examine body\*
Me: were am i supposed to put my underwear?
Doctor: right next to my underwear.
A Man Walks Into A French Restaurant And Orders Fish...
The waiter brings out his order and the man begins to eat it. After about fifteen minutes, the man keels over and dies. The waiter, panicking, calls the paramedics. When they arrive, they examine the body of the deceased man.
"Well?" asks the concerned waiter "What killed this poor man?"
One of the paramedics solemnly looks into the eyes of waiter and simply replies "Poisson"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to my doctor's office for an appointment.
I'm talking to my doctor and he tells me that I'm going to have to stop m**.... I say, Doctor, what's the matter what is wrong?!
And he says to me "Well, I'm trying to examine you."
Not sure who came up with this joke but I've always enjoyed it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Antarctic explorer has a sore a**... from sitting on the ice all day.
Since there's currently no doctor on base, he phones his doctor 5,000km away in Melbourne. The doctor says it's probably just piles, but since I can't examine you, you'd better send a photo just in case it's something more serious.
Worried, the explorer blurts out how the h**... do I take a photo of piles on my own b**... in the middle of Antarctica?!?
The doctor replies I'd suggest a polarrhoid camera.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Old Buddy Hackett Joke:
A very young amorous couple were walking through a cemetary and feeling frisky . So the woman lay down on a grave marker and they made love. A week later the woman's back is still hurting her , so she sees a doctor. The doctor tells her to disrobe, then tells her to turn around to examine her back . The doctor asks her," How old are you?". She says ," I'm 20 years old, why do you ask." The doctor replies, " Because your a**... says you died in 1898."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guide for Russian troops: How to identify Ukrainians
Sometimes Ukrainian saboteurs try to pass off as russian troops. The easiest way to identify them is to remove their pants and examine their genitalia. All Ukrainians have b**... of steel. Even women.
The monks were in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts.
One young monk suggested that, since they'd been copying copies, it might be time to go back to the original and make sure that their copies were correct. The abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the cellar to examine the original. The monk was gone for a long time, and finally the abbot went to look for him. He found the monk in tears and asked what was wrong. Through his tears, the monk blurted out, The word was celebrate!
