Worst dentist ever.
Mercury is in Uranus
I asked, *Why??*
He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.
A man is about to get a prostate exam from his doctor. Before the doctor begins, he tells the man "I must tell you, during this type of examination, erections happen all the time. They are very common, and trust me, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."
The man seems a little uncomfortable, but the doctor continues, "Now a little less common, is you may get one too."
"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it´s my old aunt here."
"Very well,"said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop masturbating."
The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"
The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."
After a brief wait, the concerned father brings his son into the examination room, pulls down his pants, points at the kids wiener, and exclaims "DOCTOR!!! IS IT NORMAL FOR A 3 YEAR OLD TO HAVE A FULLY DEVELOPED ADULT SIZED PENIS?!?!?"
The doctor looks down at it and says "It's only an inch and a half!
A man goes to the doctor to get a full physical examination. At one point the doctor asks him to remove his pants and underwear and then proceeds to examine the man's balls. Whilst fondling the man's balls, the doctor says "It's perfectly normal to get an erection during this procedure". The man, a little puzzled, says "I don't have an erection", to which the doctor replies, "I do".
When I entered the examination room and asked the doctor where I should put my trousers, I have to say, "over there with mine" was not the answer I was expecting.
One day the king feels the urge to examine his castle dungeons and ensure everything is running smoothly. His examination is going well when he runs across the guy operating the rack. After a bit of conversation the king asks how the rack operator's job is going to which he replies "well, it's just one long 'knight' after another."
and she quickly changes into her a gown and positions herself in the stirrups. The doctor comes in and begins his examination. He undrapes her and is immediately caught off guard.
"Oh my! What a large vagina!... Oh my! What a large vagina!"
The woman is offended and says, "doctor, I'm aware of what my vagina looks like, you don't need to say it twice."
"I didn't."
A woman brings her elderly husband to the doctor for his annual check-up. After the examination, the doctor pulls the woman aside.
"Your husband is in good physical shape," he says, "But I'm concerned about his mental health. He told me that when he gets up to go to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him."
"Oh, damn!" the wife replies, "He's pissing in the refrigerator again."
While my doctor was preparing me for the examination he said, "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection"
"I haven't got an erection," I said.
"No, but I have." he replied.
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would not compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. I was hoping that they would show up again."
And lays it upon the examination table. The vet takes one look at the deceased bird and says, 'Sorry Ma'am, but your parrot is dead.' The woman isn't satisfied, and asks for a second opinion. The vet obliges and pokes his head into the next room and calls in a second doctor. A cat saunters in, jumps up onto the table, looks up to the vet with sorrow in his eyes and says, 'Meow.' 'Sorry,' the vet says, 'my colleague says your parrot is dead. The woman still isn't satisfied and wants yet another opinion. The vet, as before, pokes his head into the next room, but this time a dog bounds in, puts its paws on the table, sniffs the bird and barks. 'Sorry Ma'am, but that's three doctor's opinions. Your bird is certainly dead.' 'Alright,' the woman says, 'you win, here's the $50 for the appointment.' '$50?' The vet exclaims, 'You owe me $150 for the extra cat scan and the lab report.'
A Guy goes into a proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT."
...where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was and demanded, What's the matter with you? That woman is 84 years old, and you told her she was pregnant?
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, Does she still have the hiccups?
The doctor was reading through my chart and said, "You should stop masturbating."
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying to give you an examination."
She said, "Well, you will have to stop masturbating."
I said, "Wait, but why?"
"So I can start the examination," she said.
She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to strip down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.
A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits down on his stool, rolls up between the girl's legs, sticks his head under her gown and starts poking around. At this point he realizes the girl's legs are shaking tremendously, so he peeks out from under the gown to see the girl's face turning eight shades of red and covered in sweat.
He quickly grabs her chart again to read it completely, then says, "Oh goodness! Is this your first time at a gynecologist's?"
She nods and quietly replies, "Yes."
The doctor then says, "Well, if you think it'll make you feel better, I'd be happy to numb you first."
The girl shrugs her shoulders and says, "Okay."
So the doctor puts his head back down deep between her legs, shakes his head and goes:
"NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM...."
A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".
While being interviewed for a job, the personal manager said to the Maguire brothers:
'We're going to give you a written examination. Ten questions. Whoever gets most right we'll hire.'
Papers were produced and the boys set to work answering the general knowledge questions. When the time was up the personnel manager collected and marked the papers.
'Well,' said he, 'you've both got nine out often, but I'm giving Mick the job.'
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'Well,' said the manager, 'you both got the same question wrong but he had
'I don't know this' and you had 'Neither do I!'.
A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."
The doctor places an eye chart before him and asks if he can recognize what's written.
The Russian: Are you kidding me? That's my cousin's name
"that should be my finger, not yours"
A couple was raising a young boy. The two parents were concerned about their child, as he had an abnormally small penis for his age. So they consult a doctor, and after a close examination, the doctor tells the parents, "Just feed him plenty of pancakes. Eventually he'll reach a good size."
The next morning, the young boy goes to the kitchen to find a huge stack of pancakes sitting on the table. "Oh wow, Mom! Are these all for me?" asks the boy.
The mother replies, "Just take two, dear. The rest are for your father."
A man goes to the clinic for an examination. After a thorough check up, the doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news." Curious, the man asks what the good news is, and the doctor replies, "the good news is: we're naming a new disease after you..."
"Take off your clothes and lie down on the table" Said the Doctor. The young lady did as she was told reluctantly.
"I am just going to feel your breasts for lumps". He duly did and she let him.
"Now I am going to put on these gloves and just check your downstairs. I'll warn you, the gel is a bit cold".
The girl spoke up "Excuse me Doctor, but do you do this for everyone who comes on board the Tardis?"
A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.
**Man:** "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"
**Doctor:** "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your stutter is because of your enormous penis. We will have to perform surgery and replace it with a regular sized one."
Conflicted, the man ultimately agrees as his terrible stutter has hindered him since childhood. He undergoes surgery and had his penis replaced. Thankful, he goes back to his home and returns to his life.
After a few days, the man returns to the doctor troubled.
**Man:** "Doctor! I would like to have my old penis back again. My stutter is gone but I can no longer satisfy my wife in bed like I used to. Please perform surgery on me again."
**Doctor:** "N-n-n-no takebacks!"
A man with a stuttering problem decides to go to a physician after years of unsuccessfully trying to fix his problem through speech therapy.
The doctor has him go into the examination room and disrobe, and the doctor begins his exam. After a few minutes, he tells the man he has an idea of what could be causing the problem, but needs to take an X-ray to confirm.
Sure enough, the cause of the man's stutter was that his 15" penis was somehow pulling on his vocal chords, causing him to stutter. The doctor tells the man, that he can remove 5" which should allow him to speak without the stutter. The doctor tells the man that they can save the 5", and if he would ever like to, they can reattach it.
After about a week, the man returns to the doctor and tells him that it is amazing being able to speak without a stutter, but his love life is now terrible, so he would like to reattach the 5" that were removed.
The doctor tells him, "F-f-f-uck o-f-f-f"!
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical
activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five
hour walk
about 7km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I just avoided standing on a large snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors
man!"
"No," he replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer".
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
Doctor says to him "you need to stop masturbating."
Man says, "but why doc!?"
Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination."
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
The clergy call upon the Pope's doctor to come see what is wrong with him. After a thorough examination, the doctor has some bad news: "Pope, you're very ill, and I'm afraid the only cure is for you to have sex with a woman." Shocked, the Pope says: "For my people, I will do it. However, only under these 4 conditions:
1. She must be blind, so that she cannot see who I am.
2. She must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who I am.
3. She must be lame, so that even if she somehow found out, she wouldn't know who I am.
The doctor asks: What's the 4th condition, your holyness?
4. Big tits.
A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. ""$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "
"I'm going to have to give you a full examination." He says to the hot blonde.
He instructs her to take off her shirt and bra and he begins to grope her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks her. "Yes," she replies, "You're checking for lumps."
He instructs her to remove her underwear, and begins fingering her. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks her. "Yes," she replies, "You're checking for cancer."
Finally, he drops his pants and begins to fuck the gorgeous, young blonde. "NOW do you know what I'm doing?" he asks her, with a dirty grin on his face.
"Yes," She replies, "You're getting herpes. That's why I'm here."
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't take off your clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, "Everything appears to be fine..Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem..He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time;and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"
"Oh, that crazy old bastard" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January,and the second time is in August."
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. I described a typical day.
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few leaks behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me?" asks the man.
"No," says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door."
...and the doctor, looking at his chart, says "You're going to have to stop masturbating."
"Why?" the man asks.
The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"
Doctor says i have the results from your examination, im afraid i have some bad news and worse news
The man asks whats the bad news
Doctor says according to the report you will die in 24 hrs
The man says what can be worse than that
The Doctor says i have been trying to call you since yesterday
and when he drops his pants, the doctor notices that the gentelmen has extremely brown testicles. The doctor says "Wow, I have never seen such brown testicles, how did you get these?!"
The patient calmly states "this is none of your business,sir. Please just finish the examination"
The Docotor asks him again "No really, come on, how did you get these?"
The patient again tells him "Sir, this is a really private matter, just please finish the exam and I will be on my way."
The Doctor tells him "Oh, come on, I will give you the exam for free and a $20 dollar bill if you could just tell me where you got such brown balls!"
At this point the patient has had enough, he pulls up his pants, storms out of the office, jumps in the car and drives off.
When he gets home he is still in a terrible mood, and as soon as he walks in, he takes it out on his poor wife.
"Damn it woman! You dont do a thing around here! The kids are filthy, the house is a mess, what the hell do you do all day?!?!"
She snaps back "You know you could help me! I am so busy around here I dont have time to wipe my own ass!"
He shouts "Thats another thing I want to talk to you about!!!!"
He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you only have one year to live." the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?" the man asks.
"Well yes, you can stop drinking, stop having promiscuous sex, and join the Mormon church" the doctor replies.
"Will that make me live longer?" the man asks
"No, but it will be the longest year of your life..."
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions.
The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false.
The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.
Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely.
The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope your husband likes changing diapers".
She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?"
To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.
The zoo management discovered that one of their staff
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the zoo approached him with a proposition, Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for Rs. 50,000?
He showed some interest but said he would have to think.
The next day he announced that he would accept their offer,
but under three conditions:
1. You won't make a video recording,
2. You must never tell anyone about this.
3. I will need at least one week to arrange the money
An actor and his wife are about to have a baby, but they realize that they can't afford to have a baby. They didn't want to go through the long process that is adoption. However, the pope was there at the same hospital getting a prostate examination. The actor has a plan, after the baby is born, the actor steals a doctor's coat and sneaks into the room where the pope was getting examined. After the doctors leave the room, he walks in holding the baby and exclaims, "Congratulations, it's a boy!" Startled and confused, the pope accepts the child and brings him back to Italy.
The child grows into a God fearing man, someone that the pope would be proud of. One day, the son walks up to pope and asks, "Are you my real father?" The pope, looks down at his feet for a moment, then looks up and says, "Forgive me my child, for I am not your father." His son then asks, "Do you know who is?" The pope answers, "Yes, it's the Archbishop. I'm your mother."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
...and while the doctor is filling out paperwork, he asks the man several questions to determine his risk of infection.
"Alright, last question, you're looking great so far." says the doc "Have you ever paid for sex?"
The man thinks for a moment, and glancing out at his wife and kids through the examination room window, sighs, and says, "Every time..."
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"
"What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
...complaining about stomach pains. The doctor lays her down on his table and does a short examination.
'It looks like your pregnant', he tells her.
'I am?' the woman asked, shocked.
'No, but it definately looks like it.'
A guy goes into the medical center for a checkup. The nurse asks him if he's ever had a prostate exam before, and reassures him it's very straightforward and not to worry. Just go through into the next room, and the doctor will be with you shortly.
So he goes into the room and starts undressing. It's only a minute before the Doctor comes in and tells him to drop his trousers. Asked where to put his pants, Doctor says "right here next to mine."
There was nothing to worry about, he gave me the thumbs up.
She laid on the table and and spread her legs. The doctor started the examination.
"Wow, you have a huge vagina, wow you have a huge vagina."
Woman was embarrassed, and said:
"Yes I know, but you didn't have to say it twice."
To which the doctor replied:
"I only said it once."
The doctor is doing the usual, checking his ears, checking his nervous responses, going over his records, etc. Over time, the doctor looks increasingly grave. Eventually, he stops his examination, takes off his glasses, and says: "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."
The man is shocked. "Why?" He asks, flummoxed and concerned. The doctor replies:
"Because I'm trying to examine you."
"I understand. I know what is involved", I reply.
The doctor elaborates, "Just so you know, this exam will likely cause an erection".
I consider it for a moment and say, "That's fine, I've got it under control. It should be ok".
The doctor replies, "I wasn't talking about you."
A Bulgarian goes to the doctor for a checkup. He enters the room, hangs his coat and sits infront of the doctor.
-When was the last time you had an examination made by a doctor? -asked the doctor.
-I don't know. Maybe 20 years ago.
-Do you drink?
-Yes. I drink beer for kidneys, and white wine for digestion. If I have low pressure I drink red wine and if I have high one I drink mastika. If I suffer from sore throath I drink rakija.
-What about water? - asked the doctor, amazed.
-Water... I haven't suffered from that yet.
Carla was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant.
Impossible, she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her seventy-eight-year-old husband, and screeched, You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!
There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, And to whom am I speaking?
A man goes to his doctor for a regular check-up. After the doctor has finished his examination, he tells the man, "I'm afraid you have a very serious disease and don't have long to live."
"How much time do I have, doc?"
"I'd say about ten," the doctor replies.
The man asks, "What do you mean ten? Ten what?"
"Nine"
She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says Okay I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts . So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says Here. Ow. She then pokes her arm and says Here. Ow. She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop. The doctor say I know what's happened to you. What's happened to me?? The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, You have a broken finger.
I went to the doctor today and after speaking to me for a few minutes he told me I would have to stop masturbating. I asked him why and he said "because I'm trying to conduct an examination and it's distracting"
After examining the man for a few minutes the doctor sighs and says
"Look, there's no easy way to say this but you need to stop masturbating."
"What? Why, doc?"
"Because I'm trying to do an examination on you for gods sake"
of the venereologist. The one guy asks, "what are you here for?"
He answers, "I have this ring around my dick." Other guy says, "yeah, me too"
First guy goes in and comes out with a look of relief and says, "The doc said I has nothing to worry about." The second guy enters the examination room, drops his pants and the doctor says, "I'm sorry sir, we're going to have to amputate." Horrified, the guy says, "WTF! That other guy said he had a ring around his dick and you told him he had nothing to worry about." The doctor replies, "There's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene."
After the examination the doctor said
Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?
Man: Give me the good news first please
Doctor: You'll get a disease named after you
Man: ...fuck
...and it was even more embarassing when the patient found out that I'm not a doctor.
A true story!
A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.
An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.
The lady accelerates down the ramp, hits the doorjamb at the bottom, and goes sprawling. As a result, she coughed up the fish bone.
The orderly, now worried about getting into trouble, thinks quick, and says "You're really lucky lady, usually we have to do that 2 or 3 times!"
He complains to the doctor, "I have this really embarrassing problem doc, you have to help me!" The doctor replies "Sure, let's have a look." The patient then bashfully removes his trousers and leans over the examination table. The doctor adjusts his spectacles and leans in for a closer look. Sticking out of the patient's rectum is a piece of lettuce. The doctor is a bit vexed by what he is seeing and remarks, "My my sir, that is..an incredibly curious malady." The patient replies, "You have no idea doc. This is just the tip of the iceberg!"
"I'm always feel like I'm exhausted. Is there anyway to deal with it doc?"
"I think you should stop masturbating. It would probably help"
"Why do you think so doc?"
"Because we are in the middle of the examination."
After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"
He says to the doctor, D-d-doc, I n-need you to help me f-fix my stuttering p-p-p-problem! I can't get any girls to go on a second date with me. " So the doctor gives him an examination and determines the cause of the stuttering.
"Well son, it looks like your penis is so large that it tugs on your vocal chords and causes you to stutter. We can amputate a few inches and you'll be in the clear." The man agrees and the surgery goes off without a hitch. The man comes back a week later.
"Doc, it really is great being able to talk normally, but I gotta say, I miss having my large penis. Do you think you can reattach the part you cut off? "
The doctor says" I'm afraid t-that won't b-b-be p-possible. "
An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let go to the pub and have a few pints."
After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers.
Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son.
After his friends leave, the guys' son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion „Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
Well , the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
The doctor asks her to undress so he can start his examination. As he's feeling her breasts, he asks, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
The woman responds, "Yes, checking for lumps."
The doctor asks again, as he's feeling her thighs. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
The woman responds, "Yes, checking for lesions."
After the doctor finishes his examination, he lays the woman on the table and starts having sex with her. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Getting herpes, which is why I'm here."
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What does he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he
would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down
in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a
stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove,
and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my
first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove
is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticably outraged and
stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to
his nurse, "Dammit all!!! I said `a BUTT LIGHT'!!!"
Lady patient to the Doctor inside his examination room "Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable. "
Doctor - "Trust me lady, I am a Doctor & I am a Gentleman.
Lady patient - "No that's not the issue.
Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is neither a doctor nor a gentleman...
A man with a terrible stutter went to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the Doctor explained to the man that his huge penis was causing a problem with his diaphragm, which is why he was stuttering.
Well, the man was desperate, as his stutter had kept him from being able to talk to women. So at his doctors suggestion, he had 3 inches cut off his dick.
A couple of weeks later, the man was able to speak normally, and met the woman of his dreams. They got together for some happy-fun-time, but she was obviously disappointed when she saw the size of his dick.
So the man returned to the doctor and said "Doctor, I can speak without a stutter now, but my girlfriend thinks my dick is too small. Can we put back the 3 inches you cut off?"
The doctor looked at him and said "i-i-i-i-i am s-s-s-s-s-s-sorry, n-n-n-n-n-no c-c-c-c-c-an d-d-d-d-d-do."
Being a jealous sort, he refused to sit in the waiting room when she was called to the back, but the young male doctor insisted he wait outside the exam room.
After the biker-looking guy exits, the doc starts his examination. Soon it becomes obvious that the beautiful young woman is getting aroused. Very aroused.
Finally the young doctor can't take it anymore, pulls down his pants and starts to make sweet sweet love to the young woman. As they go on, her moans get louder and louder.
Suddenly the door opens and there stands the scary biker-looking guy. Both the doc and the young woman freeze.
"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" the biker growls.
"I'm taking her temperature," the quick-thinking young doctor says.
"Ok, replies the biker, pulling a switchblade from his back pocket and opening it. "When you take that thing out it better have numbers on it."
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad
when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours
but I never told them anything.
Lady patient says to Doctor inside his examination room, Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable.
Doctor - trust me lady, I am a gentleman.
Lady patient - no that's not the issue. Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is not a gentleman.
I asked him why. He said "Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"
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