Exact Jokes
119 exact jokes and hilarious exact puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about exact that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Exact Short Jokes
Short exact jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The exact humour may include short perfect jokes also.
- My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.
- A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present? - In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad I guess it will be 5050
- A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
Easy. I keep a log. - There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
- Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
- So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
- Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of. Me: What?
Doctor: Skeletons - I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
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Exact One Liners
Which exact one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with exact? I can suggest the ones about correct and accurate.
- What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon
- Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes
- What is an onomatopoeia? Exactly what it sounds like.
- My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
- What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole
- What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same? Itenticle.
- My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia.... It's exactly what it sounds like.
- Where do you find a five year old with no legs? Exactly where you left him
- What did the baker say when he found his lost dough? That's exactly what I kneaded!
- TIL Santa Claus is European.. North Polish to be exact
- The F in China stands for freedom Friend: There isn't a F in China
Me: Exactly - what do you call an Asian man who always has a correct change ? Exact Lee
- "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -FDR "Exactly." -everyone with anxiety
- I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam. I got a bee.
- A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h We don't know where it is anymore.
Exact Moment Jokes
Here is a list of funny exact moment jokes and even better exact moment puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My uncle knew the exact moment when he was going to die, down to the last second. Isn't that amazing? The judge told him
- At the exact moment when my grandfather died, a portrait of him fell of the wall. It hit him on the head, killing him instantly.
- I just got married today It's unreal. I can still remember the the exact moment when every woman in the world became instantly more attractive.
- What do you call two hippies that get hit by a paint truck at the exact same moment? Tie-died.
- Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Fun-Filled Exact Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about exact you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean actual jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make exact pranks.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tale of two young men
There is a young man walking a tight rope between two high rise buildings. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving o**... s**... from from a 80 year old woman. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. What could it be?
DO NOT LOOK DOWN!
Grandpa
Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.
When life starts
A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...
"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."
The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"
"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."
"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.
"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and p**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Me and my new girlfriend are both scientists, archaeologists to be exact...
.. we're carbon, dating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Socrates on jokes...
Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know the exact number, but many Hans make light work.
Three men - one blind, one deaf, one dumb - participate in a game show...
The blind man is shown a map with a marker and asked to name the exact place it is pointing to. Being blind though, he is well versed in Braille, so he begins feeling the map with his hands and after a few seconds says "Grenoble, France".
"Correct! 50 points for Mr. Blind", says the host.
The deaf man is played a particular song and asked to identify its singer. Being deaf though, he is a keen observer and lip-reader. He notices one of the people in the audience singing along with the song, reads their lip, and says, "Stand Tall, by Burton Cummings."
"Correct! 50 points for Mr. Deaf", says the host.
Finally, the dumb man is asked to spell "Mississippi". After thinking for a few seconds, he says, "M-R-S. S-I-P-P-Y".
I don't know why everyone is so upset about the rioting in Ferguson
The rest of America is going to do the exact same thing on Friday, they just got a head start on holiday shopping.
Try the soup
Man calls the waiter and tell him
Man: Taste this soup.
Waiter: Sir I am not allowed to do it.
Man: It is alright, just try one spoon of it
Waiter: Tastes a spoon full and ends up throwing up in the soup bowl itself.
Man: See, the exact same thing happened to me.
How much does a birdhouse cost?
I don't know the exact price but I know they're pretty cheep
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train...
Looking out the window, they see what appears to be a black sheep.
The biologist says : "Interesting, in this region, sheep are black!"
The physicist says : "Not so fast! We only saw one black sheep!"
The mathematician says : "To be exact, we only saw a sheep that was black on one side."
Man goes to a wizard
A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."
"I've found that I'd scream the exact same way If a piece of seaweed touches my leg or if a shark were trying to bite me."
- Kevin James
Death Joke
My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.
They say no two people can see a color the exact same way so does that mean color is like
A Pigment of your imagination
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Was Walking A Tightrope....
Good joke from *House of Leaves*
There was this twenty five year old guy walking a tightrope across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another twenty five year old guy was getting a b**... from a seventy year old woman, but get this, at the same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.
Kid at the museum
Kid: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"
Guide: "70,000,006 years."
Kid: "Wow. How can you be so exact?"
Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
A blond is tired
A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
How does Geppetto exact his revenge on Monstro the Whale?
Marry a net maker
If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?
I'd have 314,159,265
I came home the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.
I couldn't believe it. I said to my roommate, 'Look at this stuff, it's all an exact replica.' He said, 'Do I know you?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a capitalist society and a communist society?
In a capitalist society, the rich man lives in a marble palace, the poor gathered around him. He shouts to them "Haha, suckers!"
In a communist society it's the exact same thing, except the rich man is shouting "We're suffering together!"
Obvious media bias
Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.
The morgue needed someone to identify the exact weapon used to kill Native Americans...
Apparently Jack Daniels still does.
A man meets a witch.
A man goes to a witch and asks her to be liberated from an old spell.
>I can help you, I do however, need to know the exact same words of said spell
I remember, it was: *I now pronounce you, husband and wife.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Kinda scared for 2017
Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of n**... h**... would have if he had 8 more
What do you call it when you have 2 of the exact same coin?
A coin-cident.
My dad was trying to tell me that Republicans want liberty and justice for their rear ends
His exact words were "their pro-states rights"
I hate speed cameras that tell your exact speed
I always get lost after knowing how fast I'm going
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.
It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to the doctors with a rather embarrassing problem the other day.
I have a habit during c**... where I yell my exact bearings shortly before being asked.
Apparently I suffer from p**... exact location.
Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second?
That's the exact same way I flirt with girls
A cashier is ringing up a customer...
Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!
Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?
Customer: No, what?!?
Cashier: Nothing!
My wife dresses to kill.
She cooks the same exact way.
It's said that no two people see the color the exact same way. I like to think it's just
A pigment of our imagination
I'll go now.
I have the worst luck with women. The last 3 girlfriends broke up with me using he exact same line
"I'm pregnant"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The n**... were right.
Alt-right too be exact.
I don't see why people are getting so heated about alt-left and right
I mean, both keys do the exact same thing
My friend keeps making statements, only to actually mean the exact opposite of what he says. And he just keeps doing it, over and over again, always!
You could say that he is contraddictive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A popular kid at school said I was the brightest person he knew.
I think his exact words were, "I've never seen someone so p**... white".
How Many Aerospace Engineers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
Although the exact number is a closely held state secret requiring level 5 security clearance, I can assure you, that for $50,000, it *can* be done.
A man is shopping for a Valentine's Day Card
He goes into the shop and asks the lady working there, "Do you have any cards that say 'For the one and only love of my life?'
'That's so romantic! The lady exclaims 'Yes, we do have a card with that exact text.'
'Great!' the man replies, 'I'll take eight.'
A: why is one of your socks blue and the other brown
Idk, I have an exact pair back home
Pornhub
tells me there are hot singles in my area, ready to date me. Tinder is the exact opposite of that. There are hot singles, yet none of them want date me.
Two men discussing
Man 1: I'm getting married. I'm sick and tired of my messy apartment, dirty dishes and the lack of clean things to wear.
Man 2: Hey, I'm getting divorced for the exact same reasons!
What's the pH of a Starbucks Frappuccino?
I'm not sure of the exact number, all I know is that it's *very* basic.
I saw two men wearing the exact same outfit so I asked if they were gay.
They arrested me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If a man has a lot of s**... with women it's considered "Cool"
But if a woman does the exact same thing it's considered "Lesbian"
I just don't get the point of paying in exact change.
It makes no cents
Turns out my friend bought the exact same shoes as me
I guess you could say we're sole sisters
My wife thinks it's hot that I'm so loyal to her.
I said her sister told me the exact opposite.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife argued that o**... s**... is the same exact thing as i**....
Bless her heart that she doesn't know the price difference.
A real cliffhanger....
Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?
Unfortunately it was very foul mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff.
He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.
My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...
he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.
We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.
Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician
A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?
The brunette.
The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
Quarantine birthday
My birthdays in quarantine, but I'm not sad I had the exact number of people who came last year
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my p**... region.
He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.
It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, That will be $240.
I said, Why the price jump? You did the exact same design last time for only $120.
He told me, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
When a customer gives me exact change
Hey, right on the money!
Analysts are now predicting an exact worldwide repeat of the COVID-19 spread 18 months from now and there is nothing we can do to prevent it
It will be 2022.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It took a lot of b**... for my friend to sign up for the reality TV show Embarrassing Bodies .
Well, three to be exact.
Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.
He loved to eat fresh
I can tell the exact time just by looking at the Sun...
Although after a while it gets spotty.
How many species of wild cat are there?
I don't have an exact number, but there's an ocelot of them.
A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific
To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."
A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.
However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"
"Before"
A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages
You could see they're into Relative Dating.
...
*Sigh*
I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.
Please stay gneiss in the comments.
I guess the Jokes on me...
I post a Joke on reddit and my joke gets 7 upvotes.
Days later... other people RE-POST my exact joke and get 6.7k upvotes.
What did the teacher call the Asian Kid who was known for his precision in math?
Exact Lee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys chatting at the bar....
One says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Went to the travel agency to buy some plane tickets. The young girl had the most spectacular b**... and I accidentally asked for two plane-t**..." His mate replies, "Oh yes. I did the exact same thing this morning. Went to ask my wife to pass the corn-flakes and accidentally said, "You fat cow, you've totally ruined my life"'
My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.
The judge told him.
We learned about oxymorons.
It was very fun, there were many examples.
freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!
