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Exact Jokes

121 exact jokes and hilarious exact puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about exact that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Exact Short Jokes

Short exact jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The exact humour may include short perfect jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.
  2. A man in an interrogation room says I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You are the lawyer.
    Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?
  3. In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad I guess it will be 5050

  4. A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees. How do ya know exactly how many? I inquired.
    Easy. I keep a log.
  5. There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age. Small children and 39 year old's.
  6. Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
  7. I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated. I lost interest in that relationship
  8. My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.
  9. So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.
  10. Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of. Me: What?
    Doctor: Skeletons

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Exact One Liners

Which exact one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with exact? I can suggest the ones about correct and accurate.

  1. What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon
  2. With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space. Exactly 1GB
  3. Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes
  4. What is an onomatopoeia? Exactly what it sounds like.
  5. My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
  6. What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon? A mole
  7. When Brexit happens, how much space will the EU lose? Exactly 1GB
  8. What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same? Itenticle.
  9. My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia.... It's exactly what it sounds like.
  10. Where do you find a five year old with no legs? Exactly where you left him
  11. What did the baker say when he found his lost dough? That's exactly what I kneaded!
  12. TIL Santa Claus is European.. North Polish to be exact
  13. The F in China stands for freedom Friend: There isn't a F in China
    Me: Exactly
  14. What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long ? A pi-thon
  15. what do you call an Asian man who always has a correct change ? Exact Lee

Exact Moment Jokes

Here is a list of funny exact moment jokes and even better exact moment puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My uncle knew the exact moment when he was going to die, down to the last second. Isn't that amazing? The judge told him
  • I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist. It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.
  • At the exact moment when my grandfather died, a portrait of him fell of the wall. It hit him on the head, killing him instantly.
  • I just got married today It's unreal. I can still remember the the exact moment when every woman in the world became instantly more attractive.
  • What do you call two hippies that get hit by a paint truck at the exact same moment? Tie-died.
  • Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up.
    Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Exact joke

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about exact can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of exact puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Fun-Filled Exact Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What funny jokes about exact you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean actual jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make exact prank.

65,000,011 years ago

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."

A tale of two young men

There is a young man walking a tight rope between two high rise buildings. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving o**... s**... from from a 80 year old woman. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. What could it be?
DO NOT LOOK DOWN!

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting o**... s**... from an 90-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Don't look down.

Grandpa

Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!
Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?
Me: The judge told him.

When life starts

A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.

A young man walks into a ladies clothing store...

"I need to buy my girlfriend some gloves, but I don't know what size her hands are."
The beautiful young employee presses her hands into his and says, "I'm a 'small'. Does that help?"
"Oh yeah," he says. "You're hands are the exact same size as hers."
"Do you need anything else?" the young girl asks him.
"Now that you mention it, she also needs a bra and p**...."

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

Me and my new girlfriend are both scientists, archaeologists to be exact...

.. we're carbon, dating.

Socrates on jokes...

Socrates: Define, for me, a punch line.
Hippias: A punch line is at the end of a joke.
Socrates: Is it a punch line simply by virtue of being at the end of said joke?
Hippias: No, it must be an unexpected statement.
Socrates: Ah, but if you know that the punch line is about to arrive, how can it be unexpected?
Hippias: True. Therefore, there can be no punch line to any joke, for such a punch line is always to be expected.
Socrates: Exactly. Last night the exact same logical conclusion was told to me by your mother, while we had i**....

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know the exact number, but many Hans make light work.

I'm kinda terrified for 2015

2 + 0 + 1 + 5 = 8.
The EXACT number of n**... h**... would've had if he had 6 more n**...!

I ask my friend in North Korea how he likes it there

His exact words were... "I can't complain"
Must not be all that bad there.

Man goes to a wizard

A man goes to see a wizard and says:
"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

So I saw these two guys walking down the street...

So I saw these two guys walking down the street, wearing the exact same outfit, I mean right down to the belt. So I yelled at them,
"Hey faggots, did you plan those outfits or what?"
Yeah they arrested me.

Death Joke

My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die.
Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?
The judge told him.

They say no two people can see a color the exact same way so does that mean color is like

A Pigment of your imagination

Kid at the museum

Kid: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?"
Guide: "70,000,006 years."
Kid: "Wow. How can you be so exact?"
Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."

There was a 25 year old guy walking on a tightrope...

... Across a deep river gorge while half way around the world another 25 year old guy was getting a b**... from a 70 year old woman. BUT at the exact same moment both men were thinking the exact same thought. You know what it was?
Don't look down.

A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that's correct. Pick any one you want!" She looks over the entire flock before picking one and putting it in her car. The farmer then says, "I have an offer for you. If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A refrigerator is the exact opposite of a drug addict.

It starts off in a box and then moves to a house.

If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?

I'd have 314,159,265

I came home the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

I couldn't believe it. I said to my roommate, 'Look at this stuff, it's all an exact replica.' He said, 'Do I know you?'

What's the difference between a capitalist society and a communist society?

In a capitalist society, the rich man lives in a marble palace, the poor gathered around him. He shouts to them "Haha, suckers!"
In a communist society it's the exact same thing, except the rich man is shouting "We're suffering together!"

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

Three guys decide to go to a ski lodge...

There isn't enough rooms so they end up having to share a bed. In the middle of the night the guy on the left wakes up and says "I just had a dream and in it I was getting a h**...!" The guy on the right gets up and says "Really? I had the exact same dream." Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's weird, in my dream I was skiing."

A man meets a witch.

A man goes to a witch and asks her to be liberated from an old spell.
>I can help you, I do however, need to know the exact same words of said spell
I remember, it was: *I now pronounce you, husband and wife.*

I hardly ever drink

Only 2 times a year to be exact
On my birthday,
And when it's not my birthday

Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of n**... h**... would have if he had 8 more

I hate speed cameras that tell your exact speed

I always get lost after knowing how fast I'm going

Enough is enough

It's the exact same word

An officer was fired for smoking w**... and m**... on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high w**... officer

Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second?

That's the exact same way I flirt with girls

p**... is coming out with a new magazine for married men

Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.

A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!
Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?
Customer: No, what?!?
Cashier: Nothing!

I have the worst luck with women. The last 3 girlfriends broke up with me using he exact same line

"I'm pregnant"

I don't see why people are getting so heated about alt-left and right

I mean, both keys do the exact same thing

Nothing unleashes your potential like ...

Jumping off a high building... m.g.h to be exact ...

Three guys on a roadtrip had to share a bed in a fleabag motel after their car broke down.

They slept side-by-side. In the morning, the guy on the left said "I had the most wonderful dream. I was getting a h**... from the most beautiful woman."
"That's weird," said the guy on the right, "I had the exact same dream."
The guy in the middle said "I had a dream that I went skiing!"

What do you call 2 octopi that are the exact same?

Itentacle twins.

How Many Aerospace Engineers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?

Although the exact number is a closely held state secret requiring level 5 security clearance, I can assure you, that for $50,000, it *can* be done.

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"
The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

3 friends are sharing one bed in a motel room

As they're waking up in the morning, the friend on the left says, "Man, I had the best dream last night that I was getting a h**...!" The friend on the right says, "That's crazy! I had the exact same dream!" Then the friend in the middle says, "Really?! I had a dream I was skiing".

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?

I've been waiting for change for too long.

3 buddies went camping and stayed in a cabin.

The cabin only had one bed so they decided to share it.
The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said I had a dream I was getting jacked off.
The guy on the right side of the bed said that's weird I had the exact same dream.
The guy in the middle said you guys are lucky. I had a dream I was skiing.

There's a theory that people don't see the exact same colors

Does that mean
*color is a pigment of you imagination*
huehuehuehue

A depressed old woman decides it's time to end it all..

so she purchases a p**... and decides she is going to shoot herself in the heart. However, wanting to make sure that death is quick, she visits her doctor to inquire the exact location of the heart. Her doctor informs her that the heart is located just under the left breast, after which she thanks him and returns home.
Later that evening the old woman is rushed to the emergency room with a gunshot to the left knee.

Two guys wearing the exact same clothes...

I saw two guys wearing the exact same clothes. I asked them if they were gay and I got arrested.

My doctor said I should start killing people.

His exact words were that I need to reduce stress in my life. Same thing.

A real cliffhanger....

Did you hear about the scientist who successfully made an exact copy of himself?
Unfortunately it was very foul mouthed and crude, and the scientist grew tired of it, and finally got rid of it by pushing it off a cliff.
He was later arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

An edited version of a joke that's been already posted.

A proton, a neutron, and an electron got into a bar fight.
The bartender called the police, but when the officers arrived, they only arrested the proton. Confused, the bartender asked, why did you only arrest the proton?
To which one of the officers replied, well you see, the electron kept running around the proton like a madman, so we couldn't know its exact location. And no one can press charges on the neutron.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish Inn Physician

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.
The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Quarantine birthday

My birthdays in quarantine, but I'm not sad I had the exact number of people who came last year

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my p**... region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.
It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, That will be $240.
I said, Why the price jump? You did the exact same design last time for only $120.
He told me, A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

It took a lot of b**... for my friend to sign up for the reality TV show Embarrassing Bodies .

Well, three to be exact.

How many species of wild cat are there?

I don't have an exact number, but there's an ocelot of them.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

Maybe," says the wizard, "Can you remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies, "I pronounce you man and wife."

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.
"...Two chapels?" asks the ship's captain, and the castaway's face darkens as he nods in the direction of one of the chapels: "That's the one I don't go to."

A time traveler has traveled back in time to the year 1963.

However, he does not know the exact date.
He sees a CIA agent nearby and asks him:
"Is today before or after the JF-"
"Before"

My bad and I'm sorry mean the exact same thing!

Unless you're at a f**....

So, a man goes to see a Wizard...

and asks "Can you lift a curse a Priest put on me years ago?"
Maybe, says the wizard. Can you remember the Priests exact words ?
Yes replied the man, they were "I now pronounce you Man and Wife"

My doctor said I could touch myself whenever I felt like it.

His exact words were that I could have a s**... any time.
Same thing.

A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.
...
*Sigh*
I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.
Please stay gneiss in the comments.

I guess the Jokes on me...

I post a Joke on reddit and my joke gets 7 upvotes.
Days later... other people RE-POST my exact joke and get 6.7k upvotes.

What did the teacher call the Asian Kid who was known for his precision in math?

Exact Lee.

Two guys chatting at the bar....

One says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Went to the travel agency to buy some plane tickets. The young girl had the most spectacular b**... and I accidentally asked for two plane-t**..." His mate replies, "Oh yes. I did the exact same thing this morning. Went to ask my wife to pass the corn-flakes and accidentally said, "You fat cow, you've totally ruined my life"'

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting o**... s**... from an 90-year-old toothless woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?


\* \* \* \* \* \* \* \* \* \* Don't look down.

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

I asked a lumberjack who many trees had he cut

He said 23,679
I asked how do you know the exact number
He said I keep a log

We learned about oxymorons.

It was very fun, there were many examples.
freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!

A constable receives notification about a theft from McGregor's farm near Nottingham. The dispatcher tells him that farmer McGregor reports the theft of 2033 pigs...

The constable starts writing the report, but decides to double-check the exact amount of the pigs. He calls McGregor and asks: "Mr McGregor, are you absolutely sure that there were 2033 pigs stolen?"
"Oh, yeth, conthtable, abtholutely!" McGregor answers.
The constable thanks him and continues to write the report: "Victim McGregor lost 2 sows and 33 pigs".

Dated a gold digger once.

I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.

It took a lot of b**... for my friend to join the new reality tv show called Embarrassing Bodies .

Three, to be exact.

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.

It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

i dont have the exact number, but its probably moderna few.

Exact joke, how many people have been vaccinated all across the globe?

jokes about exact

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these exact jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.