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Ex Wife Jokes

112 ex wife jokes and hilarious ex wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ex wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Ex Wife Short Jokes

Short ex wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ex wife humour may include short ex husband jokes also.

  1. My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend! Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
  2. I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
  3. How is hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
  4. My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs
  5. My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave. But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
  6. I left my ex wife because she would not stop counting. I don't know what she is up to now.
  7. I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer... ...but no one will do it.
  8. I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0. That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.
  9. My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
  10. I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife" She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"
    I replied, "I don't."

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Ex Wife One Liners

Which ex wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ex wife? I can suggest the ones about ex girlfriend and divorced wife.

  1. I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
  2. I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
  3. My ex-wife was a great housekeeper She kept the house.
  4. My ex wife still misses me BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
  5. So I finally got a housekeeper, it's my ex-wife. She kept the house.
  6. I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset
  7. My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate Everyone got a piece
  8. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
  9. What did the jedi tell his ex wife? May divorce be with you.
  10. If I had a nickel for every time my ex wife cheated on me She would have taken that too
  11. My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.
  12. I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I'll put a patio on them later.
  13. My wife is mad at me because I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
  14. I didn't say my ex-wife died, I said I have a latex wife.
  15. My girlfriend suspects I still have feelings for my ex. Just don't tell my wife.

Witty Ex Wife Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about ex wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ex boyfriend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ex wife pranks.

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."
The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said "I would like a million dollars."
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

A men calls the hotel reception

He tells the manager, "I need help, my ex-wife is trying to jump out of the window", the manager replies "Do you want me to send a psychologist?", the men says "No, send the janitor, the window is stuck!"

Double Genie

A man comes across a magical lamp with a genie inside who grants him 3 wishes. The only stipulation is that whatever he wishes for, his ex-wife gets double.
The man says, "I wish for a million dollars." The genie replies, "It is done. Your ex-wife gets 2 million."
The man says, "I wish for a mansion." The genie replies, "It is done. your ex-wife now has 2 mansions."
The man says, "For my last wish... I wish you would beat me half to death."

Dinner with my wife

I took my (now ex) wife to dinner to "celebrate" yet another anniversary. After drinking quite a bit I raised my glass and said:
"I love you and I can't imagine life without you"
She asked "Is that you or the wine talking?" and I told her
"That's me talking to the wine"

He raised a pretty good question, actually.

A man and his soon-to-be ex wife were fighting in court over the custody of their young girl. Asked by the judge to present an argument in his favor, the man says: "Well, your Honour, if you slide a coin into a vending machine and a snack comes out, is the snack yours, or the machine's?"

A man is pulled over speeding..

the State Trooper walks up to the driver's window and asks the driver "do you know why I pulled you over?" "Yes" the man says, "I was speeding." "Why were you speeding?" the Trooper asks.
"My ex-wife left me for a Trooper, and I thought maybe you were him, trying to bring her back!"

A genie grants a man three wishes ... "Whatever you wish for your ex-wife gets double"

" What is your first wish?" Asked the genie.
"I wish for $10 million." Said the man.
" Okay, your ex-wife gets $20 million. Next?"
" Okay, I wish for a mansion."
"Done, your ex now has 2 mansions. What is your final wish?"
The man pauses to think carefully.
"I wish for you to beat me half to death."
Credit - Russell Peters

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses use Macs?

They prefer to not have windows.
[For those that don't get it, their churches, called "Kingdom Halls", frequently are built without windows. The official reason given is to avoid vandalism but the real reason is usually secrecy. Generally if the group builds a church it won't have windows. Source: my ex-wife was a former member]

What did Russell Crowe say when he found out that his ex-wife was eaten by a cannibal?

I'm gladiator.

If your ex wife, and ex mother in law were drowning and you could only save one.. What kind of sandwich would you make?

So my ex-wife is a bird lover...

she always wanted a black cockatoo

Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?

At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.

Reincarnation

I stole this from a comment thread in a local newspaper.
Here we go:
I was talking to my ex wife once about reincarnation.
She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"
I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."
"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.
I said, "You're not listening are you...?"

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife's newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

I always get told off when introducing my wife...

Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate.

My ex-wife is like a tornado

First she blows, then she s**..., then she took my house and dog.

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant

when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around.

A man goes up to heaven and is being shown around. He is surprised to be living with his wife and an ex from college. An angel explains "In heaven, you spend your time with the people you had s**... with the most times".
The man thinks this could cause trouble and asks if there is any way to appeal the decision. The angel tells him he could speak to one of the priests. The man asks where to find a priest. The angel replies "They are easy to find, just look for a crowd of choir boys".

The Clinton Foundation is like my ex-wife.

They keep 94% of the money and still don't feed the kids.

A man is granted three wishes.

The Genie tells him that whatever he wishes for, his wife will receive 2x of.
The man's first wish is $3B, so his ex-wife gets $6B.
The man's second wish is a mansion, so his ex-wife gets two mansions.
For the man's third and final wish, he tells the Genie "Here's a baseball bat, beat me half to death."

What do you do if you're drunk and you run into your ex wife?

Reverse to make sure.

My ex-wife recently passed away. Guess what she got on her gravestone?

My u**....

I was close to tears when my ex-wife told me she was getting remarried…

I really do feel sorry for him…

Ten years after my divorce, I can finally say I don't want my ex wife to die anymore.

I don't want her to die any less either.

I had a dirty dream about my ex wife

The dishes were pulled up and the house smelled like pachouli oil.

What's more expensive than having a wife?

Having an ex-wife.

An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...

were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

I'm seriously considering asking my ex-wife to remarry me...

But I'm worried she will think I'm just after her for my money...

My ex wife and I have decided to quit arguing and bury the hatchet.

Now we just have to decide whether it should be in her chest or mine!

A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will be your third wish? Think Carefully!" Says the genie.
The man ponders for a while and finally responds. "I want you to take this crowbar, and beat me half to death with it."

Reality Check

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table.
Do you know her? the wife asks.
Yes, the husband says. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My goodness! the wife says. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody

The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**

My ex wife's favorite joke.

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

I asked my ex wife if she would like to make love just like old times.

She replied,"Over my dead body."
I said, "Yeah, just like old times."

I miss my ex-wife every time I see the sun.

I should probably try to snipe her at night.

A Genie grants a man 3 wishes

The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollars and his ex is given two billion.
The genie says, "and for your final wish?"
The man says "I wish to be beaten half to death."

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

I m**... over my ex-wife last night.

I know I shouldn't but I've still got a key and she's a heavy sleeper.

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

When we got divorced she kept the house

My ex-wife just texted me, I wish you were here

She does this every time she's in a cemetery.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife's house.

[Oh, yeah?] My ex-wife cheated on me with a communist!

...there were so many red flags.

A genie appears infront of a man...

And tells him that he can have 3 wishes, but his ex wife will get double anything he asks for.
The man thinks and says "I wish for a trillion dollars"
"It is done. Now your ex also has 2 trillion dollars."
"I wish for the biggest mansion in the world with everything that comes with it, servants, helicopters, the works"
"It is done. Your ex now also has 2 mansions."
The man nods his head and then says "I wish I was beaten half to death"

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she's still alive

What is the difference between poverty and my ex-wife?

Poverty s**....

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, Do you know her?

Yes, sighs the husband. She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
My God! says the wife. Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.

Bought the ex wife some crotchless p**... for Halloween...

Nothing s**..., just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

A man was granted one wish, however his ex wife would get twice of whatever he wished.

He wished to be half dead.

The resemblance was uncanny!

A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.
The man's face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.
Are you okay? Whats the matter? begged his wife.
He managed to get control of himself. For a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife? the woman exclaimed. You never told me that you were married before!
I wasn't, he said.

I took my ex wife out yesterday.

Man, it's fun being a s**....

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, 'see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, 'that explains why he is still celebrating'

My wife keeps getting mad at me when I introduce her

"Hi guys, this is my ex-girlfriend."

My ex wife was an acupuncturist…

Divorced her because she was a backstabbing b**....

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" in bed.

I asked if she want to have s**.... She said no. I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes.."
I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how to turn a wife into an ex-wife.

jokes about ex wife