Ex Husband Jokes
25 ex husband jokes and hilarious ex husband puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about ex husband that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Ex Husband Short Jokes
Short ex husband jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The ex husband humour may include short ex boyfriend jokes also.
- Wife and Husband Wife: I told you not to get that Lego set, yet you did!
Husband: You are starting to sound like my ex-wife.
Wife: I didn't know you were married earlier...?
Husband: I wasn't. - Ex wife to her departing Husband.. You'll never find someone like me again!-
Husband …
That's my goal! - My ex husband cheated during our wedding reception I guess it really was a black tie affair
- Asked my ex-husband once for song requests. He said he wanted to hear the sound of silence. So I sang, "Hello darkness, my old friend...."
- I visited an ancestry website and was shocked to learn I'm related to my girlfriend's ex-husband. It said we are Eskimo brothers.
- The crocodile said to the other crocodile, "Nice Bag!" The other crocodile said, "Thanks, it was my ex-husband."
- 1st man: It is sickening the way my wife keps talking about her ex husband..
2nd man: Than's nothing, mine keps talking about her next husband.
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Ex Husband One Liners
Which ex husband one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with ex husband? I can suggest the ones about divorced husband and ex girlfriend.
- I'm happy to say we finally found my ex husband's killer
- My ex-husband was like a bluetooth...
- I was actually pleased when my ex husband came into money.. He lost his job at the bank
Humorous Ex Husband Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about ex husband you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wife hubby jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make ex husband pranks.
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend
She says to her husband, 'see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, 'that explains why he is still celebrating'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.
Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.
So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.
Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire.
For her final wish she asks the genie for a MMA fighter to beat her half to death!
A recently divorced couple were in court
battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:
"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"
A married couple was eating at a restaurant
when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. "He's been drinking since I left him seven years ago" she said to her current husband.
"That's silly, dear" he replied. "No one celebrates that much."
Who is he?
After returning home from their honeymoon, the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table.
At first, he really doesn't give it much thought. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides to ask her about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
After an astronaut fell into a black hole, an official from NASA was explaining the situation to his, now widowed, ex-wife.
"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.
The official replies, "I'm sorry, Mam. Your husband has... Pasta way..."
A woman decides to try online dating
Setting up her new profile she starts looking for the exact opposite of her ex-husband who used to beat her before running away with another woman.
She states her new man must 1) Never hit her 2) Never run away and 3) Be great in bed.
A few days later the doorbell rings. When she answers there is a man with no arms and no legs. He says "I'm here to take you on a date, as you can see I've got no arms to hit you and no legs to run away"
Intrigued she replies "But what about number 3? Are you great in bed?"
He says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
I Made It To Heaven.
A woman dies and goes to heaven, she approaches the pearly gates and says "I finally made it to heaven" St. Peter says "Not yet, first..you have to spell a word" She says "What word?" St. Peter says "Any word" so the woman says "Love and spells it L-O-V-E..St Peter says "Welcome to heaven" he then says" I have something I have to do, would you watch the gate?" the woman says what do I have to do" St. Peter says "Just do what I've been doing" so she says "OK"...a few minutes later she sees her ex-husband walking up, she says "What are you doing here?" the ex-husband replies "I just had a heart attack, I can't believe I made it to heaven" the ex-wife says "Not yet, you have to spell a word to get in" The ex-husband says "What word?" the wife replies "Czechoslovakia"
The Worst Ex-wife Ever
A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.
I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"
The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?"
The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new
Rolls-Royce, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage
at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
What is your third wish?"
The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one
of my kidneys, please!"
What Not to Say to a Policeman:
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.
Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.
The question is do YOU know why you pulled me over?
I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.
If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.
It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.
That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?
If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!