ex girlfriend Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious ex girlfriend puns

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog

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My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

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My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

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My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

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My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again

And I don't know if I should tell him.

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My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

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I once caught my ex-girlfriend putting acorns into her vagina...

She was fucking nuts.

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My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

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I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

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My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

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I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

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Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

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What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

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What does Chris Brown call a group of his ex-girlfriends?

The punch line

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My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

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Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

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I used to love my ex-girlfriend's breasts...

...but now they're just distant mammaries.

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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

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I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.

But no one will do it.

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If you've had sex with less than 536 people, then having sex with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.

I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.

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Ex-girlfriend on Facebook (NSFW)

I saw on my Facebook news feed that my ex-girlfriend 'likes' Comcast Xfinity, and I was pissed.

It hurt enough to be reminded of my ex, but I was more upset that she uses Comcast!

I mean, she never let ME fuck her in the ass!

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Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help...

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of usο»Ώ

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My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

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The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

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My Ex Girlfriend was getting beaten up at a bus stop by 5 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help....

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

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I made a graph of my past girlfriends.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

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My ex-girlfriend used to have this strange fetish...

She used to enjoy being strangled until she turned blue in the face.

It's too bad that I am colorblind.

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My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

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A man goes to his doctor's office on a Friday and asks for him to triple his Viagra prescription.

The doctor asks why, and the man explains that his ex-wife, his current girlfriend, and an old flame will all be in town that weekend. The doctor says that it's against his better judgment, but reluctantly triples the prescription.
On Monday the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor jokingly asks if all three women met each other and the man replies: "None of them showed up."

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My Ex-Girlfriend

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish.
She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

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I heard my ex girlfriend needs a new kidney

I'm not worried, her body hasn't rejected an organ in 25 years.

-Tom Cotter

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My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.

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A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

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*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

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The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

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*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

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My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

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What are the most funny Ex Girlfriend jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Ex Girlfriend? Well, here are the best Ex Girlfriend dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Ex Girlfriend pick up lines to share with friends.

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