The Best 73 Ex Girlfriend Jokes

Following is our collection of Ex Girlfriend jokes which are very funny. There are some ex girlfriend archeologist jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these ex girlfriend exgirlfriends puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Heard on the radio and could not resist repeating...

"My ex-girlfriend never asked me use a condom."

"Because she was on the pill."

"Ambien."

For the past two years I've been looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...But nobody will do it

My ex-girlfriend made a really great cake the other day

Getting her legs to fit in the oven was a real hassle, though.

I heard my ex girlfriend needs a new kidney

I'm not worried, her body hasn't rejected an organ in 25 years.

-Tom Cotter

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate

They'll kill your dog


My ex-girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

and if you hold your ear against it, you can smell the sea.

My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

I made a graph of my past girlfriends.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer.

No one will do it.

Mayweather remains unbeaten

Unlike his ex-girlfriends.

My friend that only dates Asian girls just started dating his ex-girlfriend again

And I don't know if I should tell him.

Top Ex Girlfriend Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore ex girlfriend difference reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean ex girlfriend extreme dad jokes. There are also ex girlfriend puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

I bought my ex-girlfriend a new chair...

...but the state won't let me plug it in.

A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

What is the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a beer?

One is pale, bitter and starts off with lots of head and the other one is a beer.

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

If I have HIV I hope I find out from a Doctor, like Charlie Sheen did

And not from the TV, like his ex girlfriends did.

What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend?

The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.

I met my ex-girlfriend at the gym

We didn't work out.


I always get told off when introducing my wife...

Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate.

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

My ex-girlfriend was an opera singer.

With her it was always "me me me"

Ive spent years searching for my ex-girlfriends killer...

But nobody will do it!

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

My ex girlfriend was like a pirate's quest...

...she had a sunken chest and always kept me searching for the booty.

My ex-girlfriend used to have this strange fetish...

She used to enjoy being strangled until she turned blue in the face.

It's too bad that I am colorblind.

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship.

I screamed, "Lego of me!"

How to fall out of love with an ex-girlfriend?

Set her voice as your alarm-clock ringtone.

What does Chris Brown call a group of his ex-girlfriends?

The punch line

My ex girlfriend is a brick

Flat on both sides and laid by hispanic men.

My girlfriend said I can become what ever I want...

So I became her ex-boyfriend.

Ex-girlfriends don't understand physics ....

She kept saying that I had no energy, and never did anything.

I kept telling her I had so much potential.

My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill.

They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

After she decided to dump me, my rich ex-girlfriend has been begging me to take her back.

I explained that when her family pays the ransom she will be safely returned.

Ex's meet after a month of divorce

ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have sex with my girlfriend?

ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?

ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.

My girlfriend suspects I still have feelings for my ex.

Just don't tell my wife.

If you've had sex with less than 536 people, then having sex with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.

I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

I ran into my ex-girlfriend the other day...

...then I backed up and ran into her again.

I miss her sometimes.

There's a Marine in Afghanistan

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So, the marine did what any other man would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 24 pictures of women (with clothes and some without) to his ex-girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

My ex girlfriend used to love coming home and finding me naked on the bed

now she just calls the police

What should I do if an ex girlfriend calls me and tells me she's HIV positive?

The trick is, always act surprised.

My Japanese ex-girlfriend kept trying to get back with me

I had to drop the bomb twice before she finally gave up.

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me

Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest prime number.

I wonder what she is up to now.

My ex-girlfriend saya she experiments with girls, once a week.

"She must be bi-weekly."

Just thought of this. Any input is welcomed.

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

I'm broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works.

I am hoping she would give me another shot.

An ex policeman joke

An ex-policeman lost his house, his car, and his girlfriend.
Q: What did he lose first?
A: His job.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"

"Yes, sir"

"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"

"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."

I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting...

I wonder what she's up to now?

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.

"The Impaler" was my favourite.

Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....

Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

370HSSV-0773H

Is what my Australian ex girlfriend texted me.

My ex-girlfriend's name is Eileen.

whenever I hear the song "come on Eileen" I can't help but think "I already did"

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

I saw my ex-girlfriend last week

We were both at a loss for words when we saw each other. I was wondering what to say and she was wondering why I was in her apartment.

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...no one would do it

Right before me and my ex-girlfriend broke up, I asked her Which came first: the chicken or the egg?

She said You.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me

But no, she's still alive.

I found my ex girlfriend's dead body at the morgue I work at

She's still giving me the cold shoulder.

I still have sex with my ex-girlfriend all the time.

Honestly, I'm lucky she married me.

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

America's coronavirus response is a lot like my ex-girlfriend's legs.

They opened up fast for just about anyone, and now everyone who took advantage is suffering from a viral infection.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the ex girlfriend dirty jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working ex girlfriend excessive piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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