Evidence Jokes
128 evidence jokes and hilarious evidence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about evidence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores some of the best evidence-based jokes about prosecutors, testimony, and the taking of an oath. Enjoy some chuckles as you learn more about the rules and regulations governing evidence in the court of law.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Evidence Short Jokes
Short evidence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The evidence humour may include short testimony jokes also.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for... She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.
- What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence? Just cuz.
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days) - How do you drive President Trump crazy? Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.
- The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence.. Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough
- A new study proves that beavers cause extensive flooding I've read it. The evidence against them is damning.
- "Science and religion don't mix," said the priests... ...in a desperate attempt to exclude the DNA evidence.
- People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.
- I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials But I couldn't find any concrete evidence
- I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid A few friends told me how badly it went for them.
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Evidence One Liners
Which evidence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with evidence? I can suggest the ones about proof and witness.
- How do we know noah kept bees All the evidence was in the ark hives
- Did you know the Mods on this sub are actually cows? Evidence listed below. [remooved]
- why is DNA evidence not permissible in Alabama court? because its all the same anyway
- Someone fell into wet cement Currently there is no concrete evidence of who fell
- Did you here about the anti-vaxer with legit scientific evidence? Yeah, me neither
- A man was murdered with a cinder block. The evidence was concrete.
- Why did the Agnostic cross the road? We don't have enough evidence to say for sure.
- Why do gardeners make horrible cops? Because they keep planting evidence.
- How many guitarists does it take to cover 'Dust In The Wind'? Evidently all of them.
- Whats the evidence that Gaston is the best guy ever? He won the no Belle prize
- What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head? Ducks like a quack.
- What do you call love without evidence? Stalking
- My deodorant is called "state's evidence"... Part of the Wetness Protection program.
- There is no solid evidence of global warming... ...it all melted.
- Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer ...autopsy results revealed.
Dna Evidence Jokes
Here is a list of funny dna evidence jokes and even better dna evidence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So the police arrested this old battery... They said they had DNA evidence placed him at a crime scene.
They tested his cells and decided they couldn't charge him. - My dad used to wash my mouth out with soap... But that was just to get rid of the DNA evidence.
Scientific Evidence Jokes
Here is a list of funny scientific evidence jokes and even better scientific evidence puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it. It's even peer reviewed.
Rib-Tickling Evidence Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about evidence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean investigation jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make evidence pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault
After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bagpiper at a f**...
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a f**... director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the f**... guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say;
"I NEVER SEEN NOTHIN' LIKE THAT BEFORE AND I'VE BEEN PUTTING IN SEPTIC TANKS FOR TWENTY YEARS."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An original: Why did the Ghost get cleared on s**... assault?
DNA evidence could not prove that he wraithed her.
Yes it's bad, but I was trying to think of a joke that involved the word wraith and this is the best I could come up with. Would love to hear other jokes that use the word wraith.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's m**....
Footprints
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
The lawsuit seeking 'personhood' status for chimpanzees
Evidence in this lawsuit clearly demonstrates that the legal definition of "person" is badly flawed,
and needs to be corrected by excluding liberal lawyers.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... use among horses have grown
But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
Why is it that pickled cucumbers are just called "pickles"
while pickled human fingers are called "evidence"?
I think my sister's boyfriend is beating her.
Now I don't have any physical evidence. I don't see any scratches or bruises. But I had dinner at her place last weekend and her cooking has gotten WAY better!
Why are they rioting in Ferguson?
Because they carefully and objectively reviewed the evidence from the trial and thought a legitimate injustice had been done.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What stopped the b**...'s crime spree?
The damming evidence
What is the 2nd worst reason to become a historian?
A. To find evidence of time travel.
What is the worst reason to become a historian?
To find evidence of your own time travel adventures
I accused the construction man for damaging my sidewalk.
"You are going to need concrete evidence if you want to prove me guilty"
A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car
"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"
REPORT: Number 9 found dead, half eaten in home. 7 has been brought in for questioning.
When asked for comment, the Chief of Police said, "Due to overwhelming evidence, 7 is the prime suspect in this case."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No evidence is good enough for a Creationist...
But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.
As seen on a masonry truck
Cement shop robbed, police investigators find no concrete evidence
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many feminists does it take to make a sandwich?
12
One to make the sandwich,
One to excoriate men for creating hunger,
One to blame men for inventing such a laborious recipe,
One to suggest the whole "putting meat in between two non-consenting flaps of bread" bit to be too "r**...-like",
One to deconstruct the Bologna sausage itself as being p**...,
One to blame men for not making the sandwich,
One to blame men for trying to make the sandwich instead of letting a woman do it,
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from eating,
One to blame men for creating a society where women make too many sandwiches,
One to advocate that sandwich makers should have wage parity with Michelin star chefs,
One to alert the media that women are now "out-sandwiching" men,
And one to take pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
A jury finds a man not-guilty in court...
During trial much evidence had been produced that showed the defendant to be guilty.
Upon the jury's decision the prosecutor incredulously asked the judge: "Your honor, on what basis could the jury possibly have acquitted the defendant?!"
The judge replied: "Temporary insanity".
To which the prosecutor exclaimed: "All 12 of them?"
A blind judge conducted a trial..
And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant.
he couldn't see the truth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A local establishment wants to press charges on me for getting an e**... on their property.
Luckily for me, they have no hard evidence.
Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space
jupiter's moons were named after the Roman god's mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star.
The FBI raided Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters
She needed them to get in quick and destroy all the evidence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a f**... found on a crime scene?
Circumcisional evidence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scientific research recently revealed....
Evidence that female hormones are present in beer. A group of men were given six pints of beer each. One hundred percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
A blonde goes to court
A blonde goes to court.
Eventually the judge says: I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.
The blonde is thrilled: Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The chicken was acquitted of m**......
... because there was no evidence of fowl-play.
I saw the clearest evidence in not supporting trump in the paper today
He eats his steak well done. With ketchup.
Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?
Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.
Before a trial in a Death penalty case the judge asks the jury 1 question:
Judge: If the evidence warrants it, would any of you take issue with giving the death penalty to the defendant?
(Juror stands)
Juror: The prison is in Huntsville your honour?
Judge: Yes.
Juror: Well that's a pretty far drive for me & I work all week so I can only do it on a Saturday if that's alright with you.
My wife Emily and I have a celebrity exemption rule for extramarital affairs.
Evidently she thought it included the actor playing George in the local production of "Our Town."
Police baffed by grave robber
Local police were having a hard time catching a grave robber. He figured he would minimize his time in the graveyard by taking the whole corpse so he could take fillings out at his leisure. To hide the evidence he was adopting out the skeletons to worthy goths on Craig's List.
Turns out that was a dead give away.
The world was only black and white until the 1920s.
We've even got picture and movie evidence of it.
Did you hear about the man arrested for throwing stones and sticks in the river?
There was damming evidence.
What is a pirate's favourite letter?
Dear xxxxxxxxx
Your internet service has not been terminated for copyright infringement due to a lack of evidence.
Sincerely xxxxxxxx
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What would you call a Cosby s**... tape?
Evidence
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The case of the Garden m**... was dismissed
Apparently all the evidence was planted
A MOBA player commits a crime, but nobody was around to see it.
The case was built on anecDotAl evidence.
The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."
Turned out to be a red herring.
I used to be in a band called "No Evidence".
I haven't got any proof, you'll just have to believe me.
Paleontologists have determined that there once was a genetic mutation millions of years ago that resulted in the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.
As far as we know, this is the first evidence ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.
Why was Lorena Bobbitt found not guilty?
Because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The CIA found evidence that o**... Bin Laden had downloaded a lot of videos about how to crochet
Turns out he was trying to replace all those lost afghans
Did you hear about the guy that put his head in a microwave?
We now have concrete evidence that this is not a good idea.
I think the kids next door stepped through my newly poured sidewalk
Don't have any concrete evidence though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is it so hard to solve a m**... in a trailer park?
Because the DNA evidence is all the same and there are no dental records
Two women are talking in Heaven
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."
I replied "no it can't."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Headlines Today: White House s**... Scandal
Evidence deemed fake n**....
A man wants to know about his future
He heads over to the most renown Gypsy card reader in the country.
"Please, what does my future hold for me?"
"Mmmmmmmm the cards tell me your ex-wife will be involved in a terrible accident!" Yelled the Gypsy.
The man rolls his eyes and says:
"....Yes, yes I know, but is there gonna be any evidence against me?!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is there a broken phonograph in the Baseball Hall of Fame?
Because it was a record player.
I'm tired and rebuilding a Victrola. If this is a repost, then good, all the ancient aliens people can s**... it with their "evidence". Sometimes multiple people just get the same idea for fuckall reason.
Archaeologists say that Roman cement was stronger than it is in modern times...
I need to see some concrete evidence
Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.
But they couldn't find any evidence that would stick
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always wanted to lay n**... on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace...
Evidently c**... Barrel has a policy against this.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate these double standards
If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .
A man and a and his wife are having breakfast
As the wife is reading the newspaper, she comes across a strange article.
It says here that they've found a 12,000 year old skeleton frozen in a glacier, and evidently it's a woman. Now how do you think they knew it was a woman?
The husband replies with:
Well it's simple.
How is it so simple?
It's mouth was still open.
The police arrested a pilot and a customs agent for running a smuggling ring
They thought they were being careful. But after being shown the evidence, complete with fingerprints, they confessed.
Pilot: "How'd you catch us anyway?"
Detective: "Everything was hidden in plane site."
I tried to sue a company that sold me an erectile dysfunction treatment that didn't work
But the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.
What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?
Probable Cosby.
Did you hear the one about the whistle-blower for the Church of Scientology?
Nobody did. He was swiftly killed and any evidence surrounding his existence was erased from history and censored from the internet.
