Everytime Jokes
136 everytime jokes and hilarious everytime puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about everytime that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Everytime Short Jokes
Short everytime jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The everytime humour may include short won jokes also.
- If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
- Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door. That way, I always make a grand entrance.
- Why isn't there democracy in North Korea? Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle
- If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on, I would not understand why I got so much pennies
- If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder... Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'
- If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money... I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.
- You can never enjoy a game of chess against an Australian. Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
- I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy. Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
- If I had a penny for everytime I didn't understand what was going on I'd be asking Why do I keep getting pennies?
- Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people... Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.
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Everytime One Liners
Which everytime one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with everytime? I can suggest the ones about bladder and anytime.
- My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
- If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you... I would definitely think about you
- If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you I would start thinking about you
- I i had a dollar for everytime someone called me mean... I'd be meaner.
- Britain is the best place for foodies. You loose pounds everytime you eat
- If I had a dollar everytime I wanted to die I wouldn't want to die anymore
- Everytime I turn my laptop on it says hello to me Probably because it's a Dell
- Why does jesus not play video games? Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn
- Clickbait... ... it works everytime!
- Everytime I go to work, I hide because.. Good employees are hard to find
- My wife hates to step on a scale Because everytime she does, we have to replace it
- Everytime i get undressed in the bathroom... My shower gets turned on!
- My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke... Because in Russia line punch you.
- What's the difference between a man and a margarita? A margarita hits the spot everytime.
- Every body loves guns! Everytime I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
Cheerful Everytime Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about everytime you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean frequently jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make everytime pranks.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell c**....
I would not have to sell c**... anymore.
I come from a small town.
I come from a town where the population never changes. Everytime a kid is born, some guy leaves town.
If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone sing a Macklemore song out loud...
...I would have 20 dollars in my pocket
Two women are talking and the conversation veers towards work...
One of them says to the other:
"Work is great! The jobs are challenging, my coworkers are supportive and the pay is phenomenal. But there is one problem. The mail boy is constantly flirting with me and its borderline harrasment now."
"Well, what did he say?"
"Its just the one thing, everytime he passes by me he compliments me on how wonderful my hair smells."
"That doesnt sound too bad."
"Yeah, but hes a dwarf!"
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
My Welsh Friend
I asked my welsh mate how many s**... partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long...
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.
A bunch of blondes are celebrating in a bar
Everytime the bartender brings a round they all get up cheering;
10 DAYS---10 DAYS
After the third round the bartender inquires as to what the celebration is all about,
So, one of the blonde says, "We made a puzzle in 10 days"
"10 days? That's not really something to celebrate about",
OH YEAH, well it did say 2 to 4 years on the box!!!
Eggs
A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."
She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"
Everytime my SO refers to herself as a housewife...
I have to remind her she is just an apartmentfiancee.
Trying to catch the bus
A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"
After 5 years of being married, the wife finds $7.500,00 and 4 eggs on the top of the wardrobe.
Perplexed, she goes running to her husband to ask what that was about, and he says:
- Honey, during these 5 years together, everytime you irritate me I get an egg and put it on the top of the wardrobe.
The wife gets happy because there were only 4 eggs, and then asks:
- But what about the $7.500,00 ?
He answers:
- Every time I complete one dozen, I sell it.
If I got a dollar everytime someone over 40 told me my generation s**......
I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined.
If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...
I'd be a p**....
The Conservation of the Letter R
Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something
I say this to girls at the bar, gets tons of laughs everytime.
"So, what's your number?"
Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?
Everytime I call, a machine answers.
My wife says I think of her as a s**... object...
I can't disagree though because everytime I ask for s**...... She objects.
Everytime we have s**... my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.
I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."
So I just got a new FitBit.
Everytime I take the stairs instead of the elevator, I tell myself "For the watch!"
A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes
After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.
One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, Do you see that couple? How devote they are?
He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don't you do that?
I would love to, replied the husband, but I don't know her well enough.
My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes
I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.
If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...
I would have about £6.30 right now.
Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.
Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her t**....
Why do Pakistan not have an international football team?
Everytime they get a corner they set up a shop.
My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her.
But she just rubs me the wrong way.
Everytime someone calls another a "motherf*cker"
Freud peeks from around the corner.
Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues?
Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."
If I got a penny everytime . . .
If I got a penny everytime I got a penny, I'd be infinitely rich.
Immigration to the US is a good thing.
Everytime someone moves to the US from their home country, the average IQs of both nations go up.
A priest and a man are sitting on a bench.
Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.
Priest : What have you done my son?
M : Everytime it rains i r**... someone. A month ago it was raining and i r**... my aunt.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : a week ago it was raining again and i r**... my neighbour.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : just yesterday i r**... my daughter.
*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*
M : father, what are you doing?
P : It's starting to rain.
Stormtrooper helmets
I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.
I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.
Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.
Everytime I leave the house...
I keep getting followed by this really tall bird, I think I'm being storked.
I think I have a problem with my eyes
Everytime I check my wallet, I see nothing.
Books written by criminals are so hard to reference
Everytime you quote it, it's out of context
When I was kid, everytime we attend a wedding...
My grandparents always tease me that I will be next. They were not happy when I said the same thing when we saw a f**... procession.
So my German neighbour got a Samoyed...
...and she asked me for suggestions about what she should name him. I suggested her the name "Cloud".
Now everytime that dog does something ridiculous I hear a high pitched yell : "Cloud Nein!!"
Working for IT is terrible.
You get into a very technical mindset. So much so that everytime you're on a computer you end up with that mindset, therefore saying things differently to the point of other people not understanding.
"Yes" ends up as "Y"
"No" ends up as "N"
"Disease" ends up as "iPhones"
Everytime I hear, there's a bun in the oven
I can only think of the inefficiency in cooking one bun at a time.
"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."
Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"
If I had a nickle for everytime I had s**.....
I would be the worst p**... ever.
Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me.
Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.
A woman dies and goes to Heaven
There she is found by St Peter and is escorted to where she'll reside for the rest of her days. As they walk through Heaven,they go through a giant hallway full of clocks. "What are these clocks on the wall",she asks St Peter. "Every man and woman on earth has a personal clock and everytime he or she commits a sin,the clock ticks". "Ohhh...and where's my husband's clock?" she asks."Ahh,we've been using this one in Jesus' office as an air fan"
A girl met a guy at the subway
G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place
B: awww... Are you single?
G: No I'm a dentist
Christmas tip:
Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace
My Ex-Gf used to like it in the ear..
Cause everytime I went to stick into her mouth, she'd turn her head.
Wife always brought a picture of her hubby to work.
H: Honey, why do you always carry a photo of me with you at work?
W: Coz everytime I have a problem, I just look at it and suddenly I feel much better.
H: I knew it! You really love me more than I love you!
W: Well, I just look at your photo and tell myself "no problem is bigger than this".
if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$
Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$
Apparently police choppers arent allowed in Rome
The residents get angry everytime they hear "w**... w**... w**... w**... w**..." overhead
One kid always embarrasses his mum...
the young boy was too loud, whenever he wanted to be taken to the toilet he shout out to his mum inappropriately "Mum I wanna pee". The mother got embarrassed everytime he said that specially infront of friends or family, so she taught him to use the word "whisper" instead of "pee".
Once in a family meeting...
kid shouts: I wanna whisper
the grandfather replied: Come whisper in my ears son.
I hate being a pirate in school.
Everytime I get back my report card, it has seven seas in it...
Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed
Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime.
If I had a dollar....
If I had a dollar for everytime a woman found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.
I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.
Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".
Greying hair
A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"
His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair. Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair. And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"
The boy said back "I was asking about grandpa's grey hair"
A Corpulent Woman visits the Doctor
Woman: Hey Doc, everytime I walk up the stairs my back hurts and my heart beats like crazy.
Doc: I imagined something like that right when you walked in here. You're morbidly obese.
Woman: That's outrageous. I want a second opinion!
Doc: Alrigt, you're also pretty ugly.
Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...
But that's not my wife's name.
I'm lucky that my son's girlfriend is a very religious girl
Everytime she comes over I can hear her saying oh god a lot, sounds like she loves to pray.
The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,
that's shellfish.
I find myself confused everytime I open a can of Evaporated Milk
There is always liquid in it.
