Everytime Jokes
136 everytime jokes and hilarious everytime puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about everytime that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Everytime Short Jokes
Short everytime jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The everytime humour may include short won jokes also.
- If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
- Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door. That way, I always make a grand entrance.
- Why isn't there democracy in North Korea? Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle
- If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on, I would not understand why I got so much pennies
- If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder... Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'
- If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money... I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.
- I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy. Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
- Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people... Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.
- "Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted." Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"
- My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.
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Everytime One Liners
Which everytime one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with everytime? I can suggest the ones about bladder and anytime.
- My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
- I i had a dollar for everytime someone called me mean... I'd be meaner.
- Britain is the best place for foodies. You loose pounds everytime you eat
- Clickbait... ... it works everytime!
- My wife hates to step on a scale Because everytime she does, we have to replace it
- Everytime i get undressed in the bathroom... My shower gets turned on!
- What's the difference between a man and a margarita? A margarita hits the spot everytime.
- Every body loves guns! Everytime I show them mine, they give me free stuff.
- I say this to girls at the bar, gets tons of laughs everytime. "So, what's your number?"
- I think I have a problem with my eyes Everytime I check my wallet, I see nothing.
- I love bacon. Everytime I eat it I get a lard-on.
- You know why I Hate Carpools? Everytime I go through a tunnel my wrist hurts.
- I cry everytime I listen to the "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" I really hate Green Day
- If I had a dollar for everytime someone would call me a name i'm not... ...I'd be Rich
- Looking for Jerome. Everytime I give people advise, they tell me to mind his business.
Cheerful Everytime Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about everytime you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean frequently jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make everytime pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell c**....
I would not have to sell c**... anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An interesting joke
I remember a joke from a stand up show .
If I remember correctly it's from Gabriel Iglesias when he was in Saudi Arabia. The joke goes something like this .
Two Jews walk into a bar . Not in my country hehehe.
I remember this s**... joke from time to time and it cracks me up everytime
I come from a small town.
I come from a town where the population never changes. Everytime a kid is born, some guy leaves town.
If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone sing a Macklemore song out loud...
...I would have 20 dollars in my pocket
Two women are talking and the conversation veers towards work...
One of them says to the other:
"Work is great! The jobs are challenging, my coworkers are supportive and the pay is phenomenal. But there is one problem. The mail boy is constantly flirting with me and its borderline harrasment now."
"Well, what did he say?"
"Its just the one thing, everytime he passes by me he compliments me on how wonderful my hair smells."
"That doesnt sound too bad."
"Yeah, but hes a dwarf!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom?
to get a byte, and
the ruler!!!
my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long...
An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.
A bunch of blondes are celebrating in a bar
Everytime the bartender brings a round they all get up cheering;
10 DAYS---10 DAYS
After the third round the bartender inquires as to what the celebration is all about,
So, one of the blonde says, "We made a puzzle in 10 days"
"10 days? That's not really something to celebrate about",
OH YEAH, well it did say 2 to 4 years on the box!!!
Eggs
A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."
She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"
I once knew a guy...
I once knew a guy who smiled everytime he had a house maid. He was a builder.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman goes to the doctor...
Woman goes to the doctor and says, "Everytime I sneeze I have an orgasam." The doctor asks, "What have you been doing for it?" She replies, "Snorting pepper."
Everytime my SO refers to herself as a housewife...
I have to remind her she is just an apartmentfiancee.
Trying to catch the bus
A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"
The Conservation of the Letter R
Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something
Everytime I tell someone a joke about hats, they never get it.
Almost as though it goes over their heads.
Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?
Everytime I call, a machine answers.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everytime we have s**... my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.
I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."
So I just got a new FitBit.
Everytime I take the stairs instead of the elevator, I tell myself "For the watch!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The showerhead and shower curtain are complaining.
Curtain says: I really hate having to just hang here all day.
Showerhead: At least you dont get turned on everytime you see a n**... person!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Great things come in small packages
Is what i say everytime before i whip it out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke...
Because in Russia line punch you.
If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...
I would have about £6.30 right now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Pakistan not have an international football team?
Everytime they get a corner they set up a shop.
My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her.
But she just rubs me the wrong way.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Everytime someone calls another a "motherf*cker"
Freud peeks from around the corner.
Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues?
Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."
If I got a penny everytime . . .
If I got a penny everytime I got a penny, I'd be infinitely rich.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest and a man are sitting on a bench.
Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.
Priest : What have you done my son?
M : Everytime it rains i r**... someone. A month ago it was raining and i r**... my aunt.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : a week ago it was raining again and i r**... my neighbour.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : just yesterday i r**... my daughter.
*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*
M : father, what are you doing?
P : It's starting to rain.
Stormtrooper helmets
I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.
I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.
Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.
Everytime I leave the house...
I keep getting followed by this really tall bird, I think I'm being storked.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
National disasters really turn my wife on
Everytime I come home from disaster relief efforts she is pregnant
My Grandpa was a retired Boxer.
He had trouble sleeping. He tried counting sheep but everytime he got to 10 he got up.
Books written by criminals are so hard to reference
Everytime you quote it, it's out of context
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I was kid, everytime we attend a wedding...
My grandparents always tease me that I will be next. They were not happy when I said the same thing when we saw a f**... procession.
So my German neighbour got a Samoyed...
...and she asked me for suggestions about what she should name him. I suggested her the name "Cloud".
Now everytime that dog does something ridiculous I hear a high pitched yell : "Cloud Nein!!"
Working for IT is terrible.
You get into a very technical mindset. So much so that everytime you're on a computer you end up with that mindset, therefore saying things differently to the point of other people not understanding.
"Yes" ends up as "Y"
"No" ends up as "N"
"Disease" ends up as "iPhones"
I was pretty good at nuclear physics...
Everytime I yawned in class, I'd set off a chain reaction.
Everytime I hear, there's a bun in the oven
I can only think of the inefficiency in cooking one bun at a time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a nickle for everytime I had s**.....
I would be the worst p**... ever.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm allergic to w**...
Everytime i smoke it my eyes get red.
Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me.
Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.
A woman dies and goes to Heaven
There she is found by St Peter and is escorted to where she'll reside for the rest of her days. As they walk through Heaven,they go through a giant hallway full of clocks. "What are these clocks on the wall",she asks St Peter. "Every man and woman on earth has a personal clock and everytime he or she commits a sin,the clock ticks". "Ohhh...and where's my husband's clock?" she asks."Ahh,we've been using this one in Jesus' office as an air fan"
A girl met a guy at the subway
G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place
B: awww... Are you single?
G: No I'm a dentist
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Christmas tip:
Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace
I bought a see-through dress, and my husband must be embarassed...
everytime I wear it, he doesn't look me in the eye.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Ex-Gf used to like it in the ear..
Cause everytime I went to stick into her mouth, she'd turn her head.
DJ Khaled invented a weight loss app
Everytime you lose a pound, his voice comes on and says "Another one".
Wife always brought a picture of her hubby to work.
H: Honey, why do you always carry a photo of me with you at work?
W: Coz everytime I have a problem, I just look at it and suddenly I feel much better.
H: I knew it! You really love me more than I love you!
W: Well, I just look at your photo and tell myself "no problem is bigger than this".
Eating leftovers is bad for my health
Everytime I tell my wife it was so bad the first time there's no way I'm eating it a 2nd, she beats me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Apparently police choppers arent allowed in Rome
The residents get angry everytime they hear "w**... w**... w**... w**... w**..." overhead
One kid always embarrasses his mum...
the young boy was too loud, whenever he wanted to be taken to the toilet he shout out to his mum inappropriately "Mum I wanna pee". The mother got embarrassed everytime he said that specially infront of friends or family, so she taught him to use the word "whisper" instead of "pee".
Once in a family meeting...
kid shouts: I wanna whisper
the grandfather replied: Come whisper in my ears son.
I hate being a pirate in school.
Everytime I get back my report card, it has seven seas in it...
Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed
Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a dollar....
If I had a dollar for everytime a woman found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.
I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.
(From my grandfather)A man from the city goes to work on a farm
He helps the farmer with the harvesting and is riding the tractor around the big field while the farmer is working at one place. Everytime the man passes the farmer he greets him with a simple ''Hey''. This goes on for a little while, until the end of the day.
The farmer walks up to the man and says; ''You're fired. You talk way too much''
In 1877 a bartender was building his saloon.
"so i want the floor to creak everytime when someone from out of town walks in and around here, but not when locals do that."
Carpenter: "What?!"
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.
Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".
Greying hair
A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"
His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair. Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair. And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"
The boy said back "I was asking about grandpa's grey hair"
