Everytime Jokes

What are some Everytime jokes?

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

My town never changes population.

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because everytime they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle

What gets bigger everytime I see my wife.

My wife.

If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on,

I would not understand why I got so much pennies

If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder...

Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'

If I had a dime for everytime I thought about you...

I would definitely think about you

If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you

I would start thinking about you

If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid...

I'd be a prostitute.

Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."

If I had a nickle for everytime I had sex..

I would be the worst prostitute ever.

I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

I i had a dollar for everytime someone called me mean...

I'd be meaner.

Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100.

Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.

My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes

I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.

Trying to catch the bus

A man is trying to catch the bus, hes running and everytime he almost makes it he stumbles and falls, the crowd on the bus is laughing their butts off, a lady opens a window and tells the man :" Please stop it, we will wee our pants" to which the man replies :" thats nothing soon you will sht your pants, because im the bus driver"

If I had a dollar everytime I wanted to die

I wouldn't want to die anymore

My Welsh Friend

I asked my welsh mate how many sexual partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.

Eggs

A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why are there 3 eggs in a box in your closet?"
"Well, dear," the husband replies, "everytime I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box."

She's hurt that he had been unfaithful but consoles herself with the fact that they have been married for 25yrs and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.

Wife asks: "Where did the 10 grand come from?"
With head bowed down he answers: "Everytime it reaches a dozen, I sell them!"

Everytime I turn my laptop on it says hello to me

Probably because it's a Dell

I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

Why does jesus not play video games?

Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

Immigration to the US is a good thing.

Everytime someone moves to the US from their home country, the average IQs of both nations go up.

If I got a dollar everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

I'd have enough money to buy a house in the economy they ruined.

My Go To when all else fails. Has never flopped.

A farmer and his wife have been married many years. The farmer has a talent for farting very loudly. Everytime he does so his wife says "one of these days your gonna fart your guts out." This goes on for years until after one Thanksgiving diner the wife decides to play a trick on her husband. She takes the insides she had cleaned out of the turkey, prior to cooking it, and sneaks upstairs while he is asleep from the big meal. She puts them inside his underwear knowing he's gonna fart right after he wakes up and goes back downstairs to be with the family. After a while the family hears a scream from the bedroom and rushes to see what's going on. The farmer says to the family "well it finally happened; I farted my guts out." The wife trying not to laugh asks "well what did you do?" The farmer puts his fingers together and says "by the grace of God and with these two fingers... I shoved them back up in there."

Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.

After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"

When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.

Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just suck on a lifesaver."

Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."

Clickbait...

... it works everytime!

Two women are talking and the conversation veers towards work...

One of them says to the other:

"Work is great! The jobs are challenging, my coworkers are supportive and the pay is phenomenal. But there is one problem. The mail boy is constantly flirting with me and its borderline harrasment now."

"Well, what did he say?"

"Its just the one thing, everytime he passes by me he compliments me on how wonderful my hair smells."

"That doesnt sound too bad."

"Yeah, but hes a dwarf!"

A girl met a guy at the subway

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

Christmas tip:

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

John dies and he meets Saint Peter.

Saint Peter: "You were indeed a good man. Come, I will walk you to Heaven."

They started walking through a long hall. On the walls, there were lots and lots of watches. Curious, the man asks:

John: "What's the deal with all these watches?"

Saint Peter: "You see, these are called lying watches. Everytime someone says a lie, the arms move. Look at this one for example. It belonged to Mother Teresa. Its arms never moved, not even once. We also have lying watches for every profession of mankind. Here are the lawyers', engineers', farmers'..."

John: "What about this empty spot?"

Saint Peter: "Oh, here it used to be the politicians' watch."

John: "What happened to it?"

Saint Peter: "Jesus uses it as a fan in his office."

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

Guy has a bad eye pain

Guy has a bad eye pain, he goes to the doctor and explains the strange pain he gets in his eye everytime he drinks coffe. Sometimes his left others times his right eye.

The doctor finds nothing worng, he suggests an excercise where he will have coffee and all the extras in his office , then he will then come in and make his coffee like usual so the doctor can see what is happening.

After the excercise the doctor says he knew exactly what is wrong. The guy says, what!? What is it?!

The doctor says, you should take the spoon out of your coffee before you drink it.

A bunch of blondes are celebrating in a bar

Everytime the bartender brings a round they all get up cheering;
10 DAYS---10 DAYS

After the third round the bartender inquires as to what the celebration is all about,

So, one of the blonde says, "We made a puzzle in 10 days"

"10 days? That's not really something to celebrate about",

OH YEAH, well it did say 2 to 4 years on the box!!!

The Conservation of the Letter R

Everytime a Bostonian "pahks his cah in the yahd", a Texan warshes something

A couple of men in prison were telling each other jokes

After telling them so many times to each other they started referring to them as numbers. Someone would shout "45!" and they'd all start laughing. One day a new inmate arrived. He never understood why they laughed everytime someone said a number, so he just laughed along. After a week or so he decided it was his turn to try, so he shouted "345!" and to his luck, everyone laughed like never before because they hadn't heard that one before.

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard someone sing a Macklemore song out loud...

...I would have 20 dollars in my pocket

Working for IT is terrible.

You get into a very technical mindset. So much so that everytime you're on a computer you end up with that mindset, therefore saying things differently to the point of other people not understanding.

"Yes" ends up as "Y"

"No" ends up as "N"

"Disease" ends up as "iPhones"

if I had a dollar for everytime socialism was succesful, I'd have 0$

Which is funny because if it did work, I'd also have 0$

I come from a small town.

I come from a town where the population never changes. Everytime a kid is born, some guy leaves town.

Old Rodney Dangerfield...

Hillary Clinton comes home one day and finds Bill putting a large box back into the closet...

...she asks him what it's for and he responds, "Don't worry honey. Just forget about it." She does until a few weeks later when her curiosity peaks. She looks in the box and finds $80,000 and 2 soda cans.

When bill gets home she asks him about the box and why there's $80,000 and soda cans in there. He responds, "well honey, I put a soda can in there everytime I cheat on you." Hillary responds, "Well..2 times isn't too bad. But what about the money?" Bill responds without missing a beat, "I recycle the cans whenever the box gets full. "

I hate being a pirate in school.

Everytime I get back my report card, it has seven seas in it...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 50 said my generation was lazy.

I could finally afford to pay someone for original jokes.

A man and a woman were married for many years

Everytime there was an argument, yelling could be heard by everyone, deep into the night. The old man would shout "WHEN I DIE, I WILL DIG MY WAY UP AND OUT OF THE GRAVE AND HAUNT YOU UNTIL THE DAY YOU DIE!!" Neighbors feared him and the old man liked it that way.

Finally at the age of 98, he died. After the burial, the woman's neighbors, fearing for her safety asked "aren't you afraid that he might actually dig his way out and haunt you forever?"

"Let him dig" she said. "I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

Books written by criminals are so hard to reference

Everytime you quote it, it's out of context

Greying hair

A boy asked his dad "Why does hair turn grey?"

His dad considered his own grey hair and said "Son, everytime you do something shameful, I get a grey hair. Whenever you don't try your best, I get another grey hair. And when you don't listen to your parents, I get another grey hair!"

The boy said back "I was asking about grandpa's grey hair"

Everytime i get undressed in the bathroom...

My shower gets turned on!

An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long...

An older man was asked how he had stayed married so long. So he said that the secret to a long, happy relationship was to put a dollar in a jar everytime he looked lustfully at another woman. That way, he could afford to take his wife on an annual vacation.

After 5 years of being married, the wife finds $7.500,00 and 4 eggs on the top of the wardrobe.

Perplexed, she goes running to her husband to ask what that was about, and he says:

- Honey, during these 5 years together, everytime you irritate me I get an egg and put it on the top of the wardrobe.

The wife gets happy because there were only 4 eggs, and then asks:

- But what about the $7.500,00 ?

He answers:

- Every time I complete one dozen, I sell it.

A guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig

So a guy gets shipwrecked onto an island with a dog and a pig. After years, he gets sexual urges and his mind visualizes the pig as a super hot woman. Everytime he tries to get the pig alone and put his arm around it, the dog starts barking loudly and scaring the pig to run away. One day a super beautiful lady gets washed ashore. He nurses her back to health and takes care of her. One day he's sitting right next to her staring at the beautiful sunset then leans into her ear and whispers " hey, can you go take the dog for a walk".

Why was 6 afriad of 7?

Six hasn't been the same since Vietnam. Everytime he shuts his eyes to sleep he sees the Charlies hiding deep in the forest. Not that they were easy to see. No, they were fast and they knew the jungles well. Sometimes it's not Charlies in the jungle though, sometimes he can hear Tex's southern drawl or smell Bob's cigarettes that sat in his hat. But the boys are gone now, and he knows that. It's just... The way Seven looks at him sometimes sets him on edge... He can't help but think back...

Plus Seven has a hook for a hand and that's super scary.

Everytime I leave the house...

I keep getting followed by this really tall bird, I think I'm being storked.

My wife says I think of her as a sex object...

I can't disagree though because everytime I ask for sex... She objects.

[NSFW] A young muslim goes to a german doctor.

The young muslim says "Doctor, my eyes burn everytime I have sex."
The doctor replied: "That's normal, that's what happens when you get pepper sprayed."

My grandmother told me this one...

So it happens in a fancy restaurant.

One day, the hygiene commission arrives to see if the criterias are respected and the restaurant is clean and safe etc.

They observe that everytime someone orders a coffee with sugar, the waiters take one sugar cube with their fingers and put it next to the coffee, on the little plate. The inspector is disgusted by that behaviour and tells to the boss : "you must never touch the sugar with your hands ! What if an employee has been to the toilet and didn't wash their hands ? Use sugar tongs instead."

So the boss gathers his employees and tells them : "Here, take these. We've been told we had to use them, because sometimes you might go to the toilet without washing your hands, or whatever..." and he gives each waiter a pair of sugar tongs.

Moments later, the boss is wandering around when he sees one of the waiters preparing a coffee, and taking the sugar cube with his hands.

"What did I tell you earlier ?! Where are your tongs ?"

The waiter takes them from his pocket ; "here boss !"

"Why are you not using them ?"

"But, boss... I use them, like you told us ! Everytime I go to the toilet !"

My Ex-Gf used to like it in the ear..

Cause everytime I went to stick into her mouth, she'd turn her head.

Stormtrooper helmets

I would wear a stormtrooper helmet everytime I went for a ride on a motorcycle to avoid HITTING anything.

there were two kids in a sunday school...

there were two kids in a sunday school named adam and mary, adam was sitting directly behind mary and everytime mary raised her hand to answer a question, adam found it amusing to poke her in the back with his pencil.
"todays lesson we will be answering three questions and then you may leave" said the teacher. "first, heres an easy one. who did the virgin mary give birth to?" adam poked mary in the back with the pencil and she replied a little agrivated
"ahh! jesus!" the teacher was pleased with mary and asked the second question
"who is the ruler of everything?" again adam poked mary with his pencil and again she replied agrivatedly
"ahh! god!" the teacher obviously pleased with mary decided to ask a very hard question
"what did eve say to adam after they gave birth to their 100th child?" again adam pokes mary in the back with his pencil and she angrily turns around and snaps
"adam, if you stick that in me one more time, im gunna break it in half!!"

Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed

Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime.

My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke...

Because in Russia line punch you.

A priest and a man are sitting on a bench.

Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.

Priest : What have you done my son?

M : Everytime it rains i rape someone. A month ago it was raining and i raped my aunt.

P : may god forgive you my son.

M : a week ago it was raining again and i raped my neighbour.

P : may god forgive you my son.

M : just yesterday i raped my daughter.

*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*

M : father, what are you doing?

P : It's starting to rain.

One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, Do you see that couple? How devote they are?

He kisses her everytime they meet. Why don't you do that?

I would love to, replied the husband, but I don't know her well enough.

Wife always brought a picture of her hubby to work.

H: Honey, why do you always carry a photo of me with you at work?


W: Coz everytime I have a problem, I just look at it and suddenly I feel much better.


H: I knew it! You really love me more than I love you!


W: Well, I just look at your photo and tell myself "no problem is bigger than this".

Husband notices that after every fight...

...wife goes to the bathroom and locks for 10mins. When she is back everything is back to normal. This piques his curiosity.

So, he decides to ask her about it.
Husband: Honey, I've notice that everytime we fight, you go and lock the bathroom. What about it? Tell me about your coping mechanism?

Wife: I clear my head by thoroughly cleaning the toilet

Husband: oh yeah, I've noticed the toilet is extremely clean.

Wife: well, your toothbrush really hits the stop

Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues?

Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."

Racist in the deep south

There was a racist in the south who would often see minority hitchhikers walking alongside the road. Everytime, he would feel compelled to try to run them over.

One day he was driving and saw a hitchhiker. He was getting excited at the possibility of a good hit, and then he realized it was white pastor. He felt ashamed that he had almost hit him that he just had to pick him up.

So the pastor gets in and they get going again. The racist says, "Father, I must admit, I almost ran you over, and its because I have an urge which you might not agree with.

The pastor says, "why, whatever do you mean, my child?"

Just then, a hitchhiker is seen coming up the road, and the racist says, "oh god, its a negro, I am sorry Father, I have to do this."

The racist revs up and is barreling down the road. The hitchhiker jumps out of the way, just barely missing the front right wheel. "DAMMIT!"

The pastor exclaims, "Don't worry, I hit him with the door!"

So I just got a new FitBit.

Everytime I take the stairs instead of the elevator, I tell myself "For the watch!"

So my German neighbour got a Samoyed...

...and she asked me for suggestions about what she should name him. I suggested her the name "Cloud".

Now everytime that dog does something ridiculous I hear a high pitched yell : "Cloud Nein!!"

If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...

I would have about £6.30 right now.

College life for introverts

1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!

2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.

3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.

4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.

A Corpulent Woman visits the Doctor

Woman: Hey Doc, everytime I walk up the stairs my back hurts and my heart beats like crazy.

Doc: I imagined something like that right when you walked in here. You're morbidly obese.

Woman: That's outrageous. I want a second opinion!

Doc: Alrigt, you're also pretty ugly.

An 86 y/o man is on his deathbed next to his loved one...

-Honey, there's something I've got to tell you.

-What is it?

The man takes an old key out of his pocket

-This key opens the safebox behind that picture

His bride moves the picture, opens the safebox with the key and finds four eggs and 24000 dollars.

-What is this, honey?

-Everytime I haven't been loyal to you, I've put an egg in there.

-We've been 60 years married, I don't care you've cheated on me only four times.

The woman turns and takes the money.

-And what about all this money?

-Oh, I sell them everytime I reach the dozen.

I say this to girls at the bar, gets tons of laughs everytime.

"So, what's your number?"

My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her.

But she just rubs me the wrong way.

If I got a penny everytime . . .

If I got a penny everytime I got a penny, I'd be infinitely rich.

Everytime my SO refers to herself as a housewife...

I have to remind her she is just an apartmentfiancee.

Everytime someone calls another a "motherf*cker"

Freud peeks from around the corner.

A woman dies and goes to Heaven

There she is found by St Peter and is escorted to where she'll reside for the rest of her days. As they walk through Heaven,they go through a giant hallway full of clocks. "What are these clocks on the wall",she asks St Peter. "Every man and woman on earth has a personal clock and everytime he or she commits a sin,the clock ticks". "Ohhh...and where's my husband's clock?" she asks."Ahh,we've been using this one in Jesus' office as an air fan"

Everytime I hear, there's a bun in the oven

I can only think of the inefficiency in cooking one bun at a time.

A priest and Bob goes to golfing..

Everytime Bob misses, he cries "Goddamnit, I missed!"
This disturbs the priest and tells Bob not to use God's name for something so tiny. But still, Bob misses and cries "Goddamnit, I missed!" Priest gets angry and thinks of a plan to stop Bob. He thinks praying to God is the best choice. So he prays :"Oh, mighty god! Stop Bob's idioticy and punish him!" As he says that, a lighthing comes from above and kills the priest. Bob is shocked hears a sound from above so he looks up. "Goddamnit, I missed!"

That clever Frenchman

Three tradesmen work together. One is French, another an American and the last one a German.
Every morning the Frenchman sniffs his fingers and says to himself "Fifi!"
During the day he would constantly repeat this, and everytime after sniffing his fingers he would say "Fifi!" with a grin on his face.
The German man turned to the American and said "Why does he do that?"
The American replied, "Every morning he finger bangs his wife and doesn't wash up afterwards so he can smell her all day".
The next day the German comes into work and looks proudly at his two coworkers. He then places his nose at his shoulder and quickly sniffs all the way down his arm, right to his finger tips. Immediately after he holds both arms out, palms up, fingers slightly bent and yells "Olga!!".

Side note: This joke is very reliant on delivery. I tried to describe to the best of my abilities, how I act when I deliver it in person.

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.

Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

Everytime I go to the gym, there's this big guy who won't take his eyes off me.

Im pretty sure he's on those stareroids.

If I had a dollar....

If I had a dollar for everytime a woman found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I think I have a problem with my eyes

Everytime I check my wallet, I see nothing.

How to make Everytime jokes?

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