Everyday Jokes
134 everyday jokes and hilarious everyday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about everyday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Liven up your workday with a few of our best everyday non-veg jokes! We have a collection of fun, clean jokes that will make you both laugh and reflect on the health value of meat and cholesterol. Laugh away and learn today!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Everyday Short Jokes
Short everyday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The everyday humour may include short daily jokes also.
- I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
- Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
- I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday Thank god I only drink every night
- My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.
- What country's Capital has the fastest growing population in the world? Ireland. Everyday it's Dublin.
- I've always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday... But no one ever drowns
- When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike. But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.
- Pierre Curie walks into his lab and says to his wife: "Marie, everyday you look more radiant." [could be a repost]
- My son was chewing electrical wires everyday. So I grounded him until he conducts himself properly.
- The human brain is amazing It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
Share These Everyday Jokes With Friends
Everyday One Liners
Which everyday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with everyday? I can suggest the ones about nowadays and yearly.
- Who shaves every hour everyday and still has a beard? The barber
- My wife worships me She puts burnt offerings in front of me everyday
- I Don't care what any of you say.. My Alzheimer's lets me enjoy this site everyday
- Wish I could be ugly for just one day. Being ugly everyday is pretty annoying.
- When is D-Day? Everyday when you are stuttering.
- I would like to be poor one day. Because being poor everyday it's hard...
- I wish I was poor for one day 'cause being poor everyday suuuucks
- I wish I was ugly for one day Then it means that I won't have to be ugly everyday
- The clock hits 9:11 twice everyday One for each tower
- What's the best thing about living with alzheimer's? You get to meet new people everyday.
- Did you know that Ireland had the fastest growing population? It's Dublin everyday.
- I miss my ex But everyday my shot gets a bit closer
- Alzheimer's can't be that bad. You get to meet new people everyday.
- Alzheimers, its a bad thing... ...but atleast you get to meet new people everyday.
- I asked a nun why she wore the same costume everyday. She said, "It's a habit."
Sorry
Everyday Life Jokes
Here is a list of funny everyday life jokes and even better everyday life puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life Him : But there's only 3 pills doctor
Doctor : Exactly - If you had to choose... Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?
- So the doctor gave me these pills And he said I need to take one pill everyday for the rest of my life.
I looked at the bottle and said, "But doc, there are only three pills in here." - My life is like a fairytale Everyday, when I come home, there's a witch waiting for me.
- Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out On another note, so does everyone in the USA.
- When I was young, I prayed to god, please let me excel in life Turns out the crazy guy did grant my wish. I excel everyday now
- They say dress everyday like you might meet the love of your life... Now I know why it takes my wife so long to get ready.
- Somebody told me to "live everyday like it's your last". So, I decided I'd stay in bed with life support and act as if I'm in comatose state from now on.
- My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life. I'm no longer going to that doctor.
- You never know when half of your life will pass So I aim to have a midlife crisis everyday
Comical Everyday Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about everyday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ordinary jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make everyday pranks.
My Girlfriend is anorexic. It's not going so well...
I am seeing less and less of her everyday.
I don't mean to brag about my financial skills but,
my bank calls me almost everyday to tell me my debt is outstanding
Have any you ever tried to throw out a garbage can ?
I leave it on the curb everyday, and its always there when I get back from work.
I want to work for YouTube.
It sounds so easy! All you have to do is remove a few lines of code everyday!
Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday-
Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.
An old cowboy told his grandson...
An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A young Saudi prince studying abroad...
A young Saudi prince studying abroad receives a call from his father asking him if everything is alright.
He tells his dad that he is feeling ashamed that everyday he goes to college in his brand new Lamborghini while all the other students take the train.
His father replies: "I understand your shame son, take this 2 billion dollars and buy yourself a train".
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.
So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
I wish I was poor one day in my life...
Because being poor everyday s**......
Some say women have it hard, try being a man
We wake up everyday only to hold a blade to our face and tie a noose around our neck.
Bartender asks a returning guest...
You come in everyday for the past 10 years paying for the same drink with 4 quarters. Why? The guest responds with, "I don't like change!"
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
I don't usually brag about my finances, but...
my credit card company calls me almost everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding
I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.
But why everyday?
I'm very good to my wife, everyday I'll run the hot water and put the bubbles in for her
...just to make doing the dishes that bit easier.
The wife told her husband
"look at your neighbour everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same ?", he says " I would, but would she accept ?"
I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tube or slices as everyday food...
We should definitely make America grate again.
With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween!
Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy!
Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner
when her husband came home
I was having s**... with this beautiful woman at her place when her husband unexpectedly arrived home early. She turned to me and said " quick use the the back door ". In retrospect i should of just left but you don't get an offer like that everyday...
A doctor and an engineer both want to date the same girl.
The doctor decides to make a move, so gives her a rose. Meanwhile the engineer chooses to give her an apple daily.
Doctor: "Why you give her an apple everyday?"
Engineer: "Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!"
I'll see myself out
I wish i was ugly for just one single day..
Because being ugly everyday just s**...!
Jehovah's witnesses are always b**... on my door everyday
Joke's on them, I'm never letting them out of my basement.
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
If I had a dog...
... I would name it 5 miles. Then I could tell people I walk '5 miles' everyday.
Doctor, I've got a problem
Doc: What is that?
Gramps: I don't know why, but I keep p**... everyday at 8 am sharp.
Doc: How is that a problem?
Gramps: I wake up at 9am.
I have recently become a new man
I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.
A jealous woman, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.
Her: Where are you?
Him: At home hun.
Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?
Him: Sure Hun .
Whirrrrrrrrrr
Him: There you go.
Her: Ok. Talk to you later...
This went on for a few days. She would call him and ask him to run the food processor, which he would do.
One day she called her children and asked : Where is dad?
Kid: No idea. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late in the night.
But he takes the food processor along wherever he goes.
You see?
A husband and wife visited a farm. They saw a bull having s**... with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull have s**... per day?"
Manager: "4 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband and said ".... you see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband: "U mean 4 times a day with the same cow?"
Manager: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked to his wife and said: " ....you see!"
There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor.
I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean"
My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.
But that's whey past my bedtime.
I've been clean for 45 days now
It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the h**... to help me get throught it.
I wake up at 6AM everyday
In someone else's time zone
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can resist complaints and excessively loud people,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs...
If you can do all of these things, then you are probably a dog
Father, I must confess I've been having s**... with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.
Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.
Man: I'm Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.
How come your husband always come back early from work?
A woman asked her close friend. My husband is always very late. And because of it, we rarely get to spend some good time together .
Its so easy . Her friend replied. I told him that I will have s**... everyday at 5 pm. It doesn't matter you are home or not .
An MBA graduate lost his mind and used to go climb a tree at 9 am everyday and sit on a branch until 5pm.
He thought of himself as a branch manager.
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
After reading this reposted joke everyday, the elephants realized their hiding spot was discovered, and found a new one.
My Dad told me he's good at learning from his mistakes
He said "You teach me something new everyday."
Franks wife was going away...
She told him to put on a clean pair of socks everyday,
After 7 days he couldn't fit his shoes on.
I'm normally not one to brag about my financial skills
But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!
I have s**... with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...
People say that there is always one wierd person on the bus, but I don't get it.
I travel by bus everyday and I never see any wierd people. Everyone looks normal. It doesn't matter how long I stare at them.
I tell myself everyday that I should stop doing drugs.
But I'm not listening to a w**... who is high all the time and talks to himself.
How do you get out of a room with no door, no windows and only a table and a mirror?
You look in the mirror, you see what you saw. You take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole. You jump out the whole. (You can thank my dad for that one. I miss him everyday)
A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, Are you and your husband s**... active? Yes, we have verbal s**... everyday. the woman answered. Verbal s**...? I think you mean o**... s**...! the doctor laughed. No, I mean verbal s**.... the woman persisted.
Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you!'"
If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable
1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.
2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.
3. Get outside in the sun everyday.
4. No sugar.
5. Read for 30 mins each day.
6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week
7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face.
8. Meditate for 10 mins everyday.
I'd tell you to go to h**...
but I work there and I don't wanna see you everyday.
So I was having s**... with this woman...
I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.
Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!
Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...
A black man get lost in a desert and finds a genie's lamp.
The genie tells him he has 3 wishes and can be granted anything but more wishes. The man ponders for a while and says " ok I got it" . " firstly I wish to never run out of water, second I wish to be white, and third of all I wish I got a lot of a**...". The genie tell him " this I can do" and grants all three of the mans wishes at once . he then tells the man "you are now white, will never run out of water, and will get tons of a**... everyday. I've turned you into a toilet"
I don't usually boast about my finances
But my credit card company calls me everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding
Secret to long life
A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life is to sprinkle a little gunpowder into your oatmeal.
The grandson took his words seriously and ate gunpowder sprinkled oatmeal everyday. He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
When he died, he left behind 4 children, 9 grandchildren, 13 great grandchildren and one 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink
He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the cinema.
So there was this kid who was lazy and couldnt wake up early..
His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, i am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late everyday and cant find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: i learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds
I think my wife's showing symptoms of Alzheimers.
She's telling me everyday that she can't remember what she saw in me that made her marry me.
My grandpa likes to boast that his b**... functions are like clockwork
Now he wasn't always like this so he's been taking extra pride in it:
"everyday I go to sleep at 21 o'clock.then at 5:30 a.m. I take a p**....At 5:45 I have a s**...,and at 6 a.m. sharp I wake up."
A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....
Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"
Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"
Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"
Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."
