Evening Meal Jokes

Don't b**... Your Mother

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.

A Mississippi r**... goes to California

A r**... farmer from Mississippi goes to California. He pulls his truck into the local fine dining eatery for a nice evening meal.
During the course of the evening, the waiter makes small talk with him, discovers the r**... is from Mississippi and is visiting California for the first time. So, the waiter asks where he's been.
The young farmer says that he's been to San Joe-say (Jose').
The indignant waiter chides him, In California, the J's are pronounced like an h . It's San haw-se not Joe-say . So, how long are you going to stay here?
The Mississippian replied, Through Hune

A Jew, an Italian and a Frenchman last meal

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed.
Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. Give me some good French wine and French bread, he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian's turn. Give me a big plate of pasta, said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew's turn. I want a big bowl of strawberries, said the Jew. Strawberries?!! They aren't even in season! .
So, I'll wait…

A panda walks into a bar

and orders a bowl of beer nuts from the bartender. After finishing his meal, the panda whips out an enormous .45 Magnum and lets off six rounds into the ceiling.
!BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!
As soon as the report of the last round had finished echoing around the bar, the panda rose from his stool. He looks around the bar, then hops onto all-fours and hobbles out of the building.
The other patrons of the bar were paralyzed with fear, even after the assailant had left. Finally, breaking the silence, the bartender pulls out a dictionary, flips open to a page, and puts the book on the bar.
"Here," he says, and invites the others to come have a look.
_____
pan-da, *noun* \ˈpan-də\
:Eats chutes and leaves.

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.
" Hey, you just shot my waiter and didn't even pay for your meal!" screams the manager.
The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."
As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:
Panda- A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.
Eats chutes and leaves.

God enjoys a good laugh!!

(found on my FB newsfeed)
**There were three good arguments that Jesus was Black:**
* He called everyone brother;
* He liked Gospel;
* He didn't get a fair trial.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:**
* He went into His Father's business;
* He lived at home until he was 33;
* He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:**
* He talked with His hands;
* He had wine with His meals;
* He used olive oil.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:**
* He never cut His hair;
* He walked around barefoot all the time;
* He started a new religion.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:**
* He was at peace with nature;
* He ate a lot of fish;
* He talked about the Great Spirit.
**But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:**
* He never got married;
* He was always telling stories;
* He loved green pastures.
**But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a woman:**
* He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food;
* He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it;
* And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Can I get an AMEN!!

Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?
He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, your son.
Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.
Love, Mom.

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.
It went like this:
ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new
Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...
ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen
Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?
ABC: That's a granted.
Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?
ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?
Timmy: Are meals subsidized?
ABC: You BET.
Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?
ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.
Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?
ABC: Yes. Absolutely.
Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?
After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.
To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.

A woman sees an old couple sharing a meal at McDonald...

A woman walks into McDonald and orders her meal. As she sits down with her food, she sees an old couple in a corner booth sharing a single happy meal. The old woman ate while the old man watched hungrily.
"They must be really poor", she thought and decided to do a good dead and bought another meal and brought over to the old couple. When she brought the meal over and explained, the old man thanked her but declined.
"Thank you, my dear, but we have plenty of money. We are sharing because when we were married over 50 years ago we vowed to share everything. Even a simple meal"
The woman who bought the meal was embarrassed and apologized, but she had one more question before she left them alone.
"I understand sharing everything, but why are you watching her eat? why not split the meal and eat together?" she asked
The old man flashed his gums to the younger woman and told her:
"Because it's her turn for the teeth"

A young couple had been dating for a while but hadn't yet done the deed...

A young couple had been together for several weeks but had not yet had s**.... Alexa, the girl, says to her boyfriend John, "we can have s**... if you can make a good impression on my parents over dinner."
John gets so excited, it being his first time, that he runs straight to the pharmacy to pick up condoms. Because he had never done this before, he consults the pharmacist on which brand he should get. They talk a while about which brands are best for what, given his size, how much s**... he's planning to have, how k**... it will be, etc. Eventually John decides on the Family Pack, figuring it covered all his bases.
John arrives at Alexa's house that night and he, Alexa, and the parents sit down for dinner. Alexa's father asks John if he'd like to say grace. John nervously bows his head and goes on and on thanking the Lord for the dinner, thanking Alexa's parents for their hospitality. He prays for a good ten minutes and, even after he had finished, he keeps his head bowed throughout the entire meal.
As he is getting up to leave, Alexa comes up to him. "That was great honey. I think you made a great impression on my parents. Your grace was lovely, I never knew you were so religious!" To which he replied, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.....

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

John invited his mother over for dinner.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Fisher comes to visit her son Jacob for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Rachel.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Jacob and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Rachel came to Jacob saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote an email:
'Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house;
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jacob'
Several days later, Jacob received a response email from his Mama which read:
'Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed,
she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama'

So a cat goes to heaven and the lord says he'll grant him one wish...

So a cat goes to heaven and the lord says he'll grant him one wish. The cat says, "Lord, I'd like a fluffy pillow to lay on." So the lord gave him a fluffy pillow.
The next day, three mice died and went to heaven. The lord said he'd grant them one wish. The mice said, "Lord, we'd like to have roller skates so we can skate in heaven." So the lord gave the mice roller skates.
The next day, the lord visited the cat and asked, "How is your fluffy pillow?"
The cat replied, "I'm loving the fluffy pillow. But you know what I love even more? Those meals on wheels."

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.
I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.
The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went back home. When I came in and closed the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall said "cuckoo" 3 times.
Quickly, thinking that my wife would wake up and have an argument with me, I said "cuckoo" 9 more times.
I was really proud of myself for having a great, quick idea, even while I was drunk, to avoid having a conflict with my wife.
The next morning, she asked me what time did I come back home and I said "midnight". She didn't seem to distrust me, not even a little.
Then she told me:
\- Honey, we need a new cuckoo for our clock!
When I asked her why, she said:
\- Well, this night the cuckoo said "cuckoo" 3 times and said "GAAAAAAH, I'M s**...!". It said "cuckoo" 4 more times, then he grunted and belched. It said "cuckoo" 3 more times, f**..., crazily laughed and said "cuckoo" 2 more times. Then, it hit the door I left ajar and said "SON OF A B\*\*CH!", stepped on the cat and said "SH\*T!" and only went to bed after falling twice while taking off his clothes. Don't you think we'd better get a new cuckoo while it's still under the warranty?

John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, "I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said, "You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John.
John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom,
While I’m not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you 'didn’t' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing.
Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear John,
While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you 'don’t' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed.
Love, Mom."

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died.
When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth.
She told the Lord that it was awful, she had to sleep in cold back alleys where there was no food and life was hard.
God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.
Earth was no better for them than it was the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people.
God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven.
She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.
The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered
the courage to ask her, " Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of ' careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will. "
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.
Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."