Evening Love Jokes
93 evening love jokes and hilarious evening love puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about evening love that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Evening Love Short Jokes
Short evening love jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The evening love humour may include short evening jokes also.
- I saw a girl crying, so I asked her Where are your parents? and she started crying even more. Man, I love working at the orphanage.
- I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"... She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.
- German women love me... I'm a ladies man. I saw this fine German woman. I didn't even have to chat her up for her to hastily give me her number. It was easy to remember 999 9999.
- I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist and worse… she can prove it.
- Under Kennedy, America went to the moon... Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.
Much love from Toronto, stay safe! - It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts! I love you refrigerator!
- True love A few days ago I called my girlfriend using my friend's phone. She picked the call and said "HI BABY".
She knows it's me even when I didn't speak. True love exists… - 1940 I met my first love. 1942 I met my second. Then I met my third at 1948. It's been a hectic evening.
- Italian Bodybuilder Did you hear about the Italian Bodybuilder? He loves astrophysics! He even said:
"I love-a steroids" - What can you say about a car and not a girl/your gf? It's easy to turn on, and even though it's eleven, I still love her.
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Evening Love One Liners
Which evening love one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with evening love? I can suggest the ones about evening meal and sunday evening.
- My neighbours love my taste in music. They even call the police to listen it.
- I have a face only my mother could love And even she said we should just be friends
- I don't even have kids and I always tell dad jokes. He loves them.
- I love watching a mime artist I even give him invisible money
- I don't get american's love to water They even had a water flavored beer.
- Paul Walker really loved nature... He even died hugging a tree.
- I love racing horses even though i have no chance of beating them
- Meghan Markle must love biscuits, She even makes her own ginger nut.
- Even a gay mn can love a beautiful woman All it takes is a little *spark*
- I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not.
- It's okay Microsoft Excel even my love life is not responding.
- My friend loves to donate blood He even got a tattoo marking the spot for the needle!
- Falling in love makes you do s**... things. One time I even got married.
Evening Love Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about evening love you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sweet love jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make evening love pranks.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!
Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"
father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...
Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!"
Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,
he went straight to his mother crying.
Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't b**... Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
Love after wedding
A young lady asks her boyfriend: "My love, would you still love me and make this passionate love with me even after the wedding?"
The boyfriend: "well, it depends on your husband!!!!!"
Snow wife.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Falling rock
Waay back in the day the Indians had a child named Falling Rock, lovely kid. As soon as the white man came to their land Falling Rock disappeared. They couldn't find him anywhere, still even to this day we have signs on the road that say "watch for falling rock"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a v**... and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead; He had to get up because there was still work to do.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Real Middle-aged Texting.
Man: "Fair maiden, wherest doth thou reside on this fair evening?"
Woman: "Good sir, I am trapped within the reside of mine parents"
Man: "Oh, mine love, how I wish mineself were trapped in thine reside so I could bury my face deep within thine bossom."
Woman: "Mine parents shall rest in the hour next. Upon that time, I shall make mine escape, and help you polish your sword."
Man: "Mine sword shall stand in waiting for thine touch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are you a v**...?
Joe had a blind date with Maria for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.
After some really passionate embracing, he said: "Tell me, do you object to making love?"
"That is something I have never done before," Maria replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a v**...?" Joe was amazed!
"No, silly," she giggled, "I've never objected!"
The two old-timers...
...were having a chat over the back fence.
"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."
"Why's that, Clem?"
"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love to your wife."
"Pfft! That shows how bad your eyesight is. I wasn't even home last night!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?
To catch a predator.
---
Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5?
Because they can't even!
---
Why do white people have so many pets?
Because owning people is not legal anymore
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.
He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".
The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".
The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Coworker gave the best accidental joke after mentioning why she liked Algebra.
"I love solving for X, and I don't even know why!"
My friend has a PHD.
Even though he only has a Public Highschool Diploma, he has been living a pretty happy life.
Side note: My father loves to make this joke, so I had to share.
Will You Still Love Me???
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when I'm old, fat, and balding?
She answered, I do.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I love taco bell so much that I even enjoy being *asked* what style of tacos I want...
I get hard every time.
A deeply in love boy says to his girlfriend ...
"I might not be rich, nor have any money or expensive apartments, and even not be the owner of many companies like my friend Jack, but i love you, and i always will"
She, hugging him tight and already crying answered :
" If you really love me, will you introduce me to your friend Jack please ? "
I was doing some shopping at the supermarket...
...and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.
She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said "Those had better be for me!"
The teenager at the register turned and said "Even if they weren't, they definitely are now!"
I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"
I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" . OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"
CNN: "Hold my beer."
I ran into a NASA scientist one day...
...and I say to him, "Your job seems so tough. I'd love to traverse the solar system, but I wouldn't even know where to begin..."
He says, "It's easy... you just planet."
So I took his advice and went on a trip around the Sun. It lasted a year and I had a pretty good time. But if I had to rate it, I'd only give it one star.
I love public transport, even though I get excessively sweaty.
Also, I think I take my Train Simulation game too seriously.
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL That due to recent advancements with AI two computers identified themselves as mates, and even went as far as to set up a Romeo and Juliette style s**... pact...
They say they were so in love they finished each others sentiences.
I met a lovely, helpful person the other day
They were always asking about me, wanting to get to know me better. They seemed genuinely helpful and were there when i needed them most. They dedicated their time to me and didn't even ask for anything in return. I decided to take the plunge and kiss them!
Anyway, i need a new public defender.
Business can be generated any how!
An advocate goes to a gift shop 7 days before Valentine's Day.
He bought 40 beautiful cards and wrote - "To my love !! I hope you recognize! Meet me in the evening, "I love you"
The shopkeeper asked: What is the matter?
So the lawyer said - I sent such cards to the nearby colony on the last Valentine's Day. In a few days, I got four cases of divorce.
This time I am sending 40 cards
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary.
They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.
He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than when we first started to date!"
She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Even though my girlfriend is addicted to m**..., I still love her.
She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.
They say that nothing is better than love.
But even a single slice of bread is better than nothing.
Therefore, a slice of bread is better than love.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me "will you still love me when I get old and fat?"
I told her "What? You mean you're going to get even worse?"
Ghost Wizard loves puns.
You're in a most GRAVE situation now!
You don't stand the GHOST of a chance!
Ghost Wizard chuckles to himself. But behind the smiling facade, he's feeling even more dead inside.
So, a guy and his mother went to visit his father's grave...
Mother: Son, before your father passed away, he apologized for not being able to be around watching you grow. He said he will always love you even when he's no more. He really meant it.
Son: I guess he was dead serious about it.
\*giggling sound from the grave
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers
After a while the kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
My friend advised me to date a cat owner..
..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back
I finally got the attention of my crush
But... I'm not sure if I still want that date...
Like really she overreacted like she's one of the crazy ones! She even called the police. I just asked for her number and brought her a cup of her favorite coffee!
I mean I would LOVE for someone to wake me up with coffee, a kiss to my forehead and live music in my living room.
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
home invader
A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says,
"You must really love your wife."
"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes."
The Tea Party
Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).
He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him more. After several cups of 'tea,' and much praise, Mom came home.
"Honey, watch this," said Dad and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea.
"Isn't she just the cutest?"
Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of 'tea' before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the n**... woman they find in there.
A startled, n**..., man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
I have a joke on Donald Trump.
It's a great joke. With a good buildup and a punch, and whatever. I showed it to my friends -- you know some of them are really good judge of jokes. I showed it to them and they said it's really funny. Almost everyone agrees it's good. Some of them says it's too good -- maybe a little bit too funny. You know they love to laugh. You maybe even say it's the funniest joke ever. I have THE BEST JOKE in the world.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"I heard you really like philosophy."
"Yea I love it so much."
"Really? Even more than s**...?"
"Oh of course not."
"Really? Why?"
"Because that would be putting Descartes before the w**...."
So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.
So little Billy give the "dog ate my homework" excuses.
Teacher: Why on earth do you let your dog eat your homework?
Billy: Well, my dog really love to eat cake.
Teacher: And how does this even related?
Billy: Yesterday you said that the homework is a piece of cake....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two tapeworms are chilling wherever it is tapeworms chill at.
One of them says, "So I found this host the other day. Man, you should have seen him! Fat as a blimp, ate more food in one day than most people eat in a week. He was roomy and comfy and spent most of his time sitting or laying down, so I didn't even NOTICE the outside world!"
The other says, "Hot d**...! Sounds like a paradise! Then why did you leave? Did he die or something?"
"Nope," answers the first. "But he reaaaaaaally loved Mexican food."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Australians were sitting around talking over a beer..
After a while the first Australian says to the second, If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Australian crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, _*"Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."
A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.
Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
Love, Your $on
They reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Mom and Dad
My son is doing a social experiment for school.
He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: I know p**... hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
**Bank Teller:** So— is this not a robbery?
**Me:** No, It is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.
Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.
Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain things - so he made his way back to earth to find her.
He bumps into her again. "Hi' he states 'I think I should explain - I'm Thor"
"*I'm Thor"?!* The lady retorted, "I can hardly thit down!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fishing Buddies
A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."
A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.
He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop and take some cash out. I've got thousands of dollars in cash at home, yet every day i feel desperate to go to the bank and take out more.
What's wrong with me?"
The psychiatrist replied
"It sounds like you're having Withdrawal Symptoms."
The husband came home one day and started to pack his bag.
"Where to?" asked his surprised wife.
"To the Canaries," replied the husband, "I hear there are so many women in there, they even pay a man $20 to make love to them."
Hearing this the wife started to pack too.
"And here are you heading for?" asked the husband.
"I am coming with you," said the wife, "I want to see how you can live on $40 a month."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband: Do you love me?
Wife: Of course i love you, light of my life.
Husband: Would you love me even if i wronged you?
Wife: I will always love you, my darling.
Husband: But would you love me if i gambled away all our savings?
Wife: i would still love you, my precious husband.
Husband: what if i cheated on you, would you still love me?
Wife: of course. I will always love you, apple of my eye.
Husband: Ok. I forgot to turn on the dishwasher last night.
Wife: I HATE YOU, YOU LAZY, SELFISH IRRESPONSIBLE m**...!!
I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
I love my job
So I was at work one night, doing the usual grind and all, when suddenly I saw a little girl crying. I asked her "whats wrong? Where are your parents?" And she just started crying even more!
God I love working at an orphanage.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife's a pleaser
My wife loves to help others, even when someone doesn't appreciate her. I told her one evening she should quit trying to please everyone else all of the time. Her reply was, "But I wouldn't get anything else done if I'm just pleasing myself all the time." d**... I love that woman.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.
She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"
I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer p**... in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."
Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I'm making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on
Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
Backfired!
My grandkids always say, "I LOVE (insert food, activity etc.) My dad answer is always, "So why don't you marry it?"
Today my granddaughter had a plate of watermelon and of course said "I LOVE watermelon." Before I could reply she said, "I think I'm gonna marry it!" She was so proud to beat me at my game, but I was even prouder.
Man with half an orange for a head
A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"
Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."
Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks for another, then begins his story:
"When I was a young man I travelled the world: Egypt, China, Arabia, everywhere. One day I found a magic lamp and a genie granted me 3 wishes.
'Really?' I said. 'Anything?'
'Anything,' said the genie.
'Okay,' I said. 'First wish... I wish I had a wallet that always had a thousand dollars in it.'
'Granted,' said the genie."
"Wait, wait," interrupts the bartender. "You don't expect me to believe that?"
"Are you kidding? My head's a fucking orange!" snaps the man with the orange head. But just to prove it, he pulls out a worn wallet and slaps ten $100 notes on the bar. The bartender shuts up and the guy with the orange head continues.
"For my second wish, I asked to be irresistible to women."
"Bullshit," says the bartender.
The guy looks across the bar at a beautiful woman he's never met and says, "Hey, baby, want to go home with me tonight?"
The woman squeals with delight, nods, rushes over, buys him a drink, and hangs off him lovingly. She doesn't even seem to notice that half of his head is a piece of fruit. Awed, the bartender pours another round, and asks in a hushed voice, "So... your face... your head... the third wish?"
The man nods and downs another shot of whiskey.
"What happened?" whispered the bartender, leaning forward.
"For my third wish..." whispers the man. "...I wished... that half of my head... were a giant orange."