European Jokes

What are some European jokes?

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

If you are Russian when you go to the bathroom and you are Finnish when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?

European

What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds?

Exit the European Union.

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

No matter if you are American or European

9/11 is a sad date

The other day my European friend ask me about our views on lesbians in this country.

Apparently, "usually in HD" was not the answer she was looking for

P.S sorry english not my native language

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.

He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."

What nationality are you when you walk into the bathroom?

Russian.

What nationality are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.

What nationality are you when you walk out of the bathroom?

Finish.

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "

In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"

If you're Russian when you go into the bathroom, and Finnish when you come out; what are you while in the bathroom?

European

So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

A local museum today received a substantial donation of French Impressionist and Eastern European artwork.

They're gettin' Monet for nothing and Czechs for free.

An International School Teacher

...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
first, the African kid asks "what's food?"
the European kid asks "what's scarcity?"
the American kid asks "what's other countries?"
and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"

TIL Santa Claus is European..

North Polish to be exact

If you're Russian when you're running to the bathroom, and Finnish when you're leaving, what are you in between?

European!

Kids from around the globe were asked to write an essay...

and the teacher asked, "Please write in your own opinion about the insufficient amount of food in other countries."

But none of the could write it.

The kid from South America didn't know what 'please' was.

The Asian kid didn't know what 'your own opinion' was.

The European kid didn't know what the word 'insufficient' meant.

The Kid from Africa didn't know what 'food' was.

And the kid from North America had absolutely no clue what the heck were 'other countries'.

As a German I have concerns about the European soccer championship...

Last time it didn't end well when we sent a couple boys to France to defeat all of Europe.

An American starts using a urinal next to an Englishman

The American turns to him and says "Hey European"

The Englishman replies "I know"

What do you call an Eastern European cashier?

A Checkoutslovakian.

(Better said than read)

Vladimir Putin Travels to an Eastern European Country

He walks up to the customs agent and the agent asks, Name?

Vladimir Putin

Country of Origin?

Russia

Occupation?

No, no. Just visiting.

What are you if you aren't European?

Eurapoopin.

-my daughter

The Anti-Thieves Machine

Science is amazing. Some european scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches the thieves in the streets of various cities through the world with an accuracy of 99,9%! Of course that various countries were interested. Germany got 2, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5 and Portugal, true to its *showoff* image, got 10.

After one hour, in Germany, 100 hundred thieves got caught. In France more than 250 thieves got caught. In Greece more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.

So, I hope that when President Trump gets tired of us

he'll leave us for some younger, more attractive, East European country. Hopefully in a year or so

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Handed over by an eastern european immigrant who doesn't care what happens to it or expect to see it again.

If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out of the bathroom... What are you in the bathroom?

European

Do you know why the European stock markets are sliding down?

Greece.

What nationality are you in the bathroom?

I bet your Russian to the bathroom but in there European.

I was talking to a girl about the establishment of the 4th Reich when a girl told me that I was being politically incorrect

Apparently the proper term is "European Union"

I was talking to a russian the other day and he said that russia is the largest european nation...

I said, sorry man, eurasian.

Wasp Expert

The world expert on European wasps was strolling past a record shop. A sign caught his eye: "New Album - Wasps of the World! The man asked to hear the album and was given headphones. Three minutes later, he announced, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognize none of those." The shop assistant offered to play another track. And another. And another. Still, the expert did not hear sounds he recognized. Suddenly, the shop assistant realized his mistake. "I'm really sorry," he said. "I was playing you the bee side!!.

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

What did the eastern Russian say to the western Russian in the bathroom?

"European."

My friends are baffled that I gave up the single life for my European wife and wonder why I don't chase girls anymore.

It's because she keeps me in Czech.

If European in the bathroom, who's the guy on the floor?

Himalayan

If you're Canadian before you enter the bathroom, and American when you leave, what are you inside?

European!

A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar..

.. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.

My dad once told me this one

If you walk into the bathroom an American and come out of the bathroom an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European :^)

If you're Russian to the bathroom, but American when you come out, what are when you're inside the bathroom?

European.

European monarchs are a lot like beef Wellington.

They're in bread.

Europeans: What's a good American joke in your country?

On the heels of the funny Italian joke ("Emma comes first …") what jokes do other countries tell about Americans?

I don't care if a human is male or female,

Black or white, European, American, or Asian, they all taste the same.

A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island

They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to complete their tasks.
24 hours later, the rescue team comes back to the island in the hopes of seeing that the three men can prove their survival skills.
The Hispanic man takes the rescue team to his shelter that he built, and the rescue team is pleased with his work.
The European man takes the rescue team to his stash of food that he has accumulated, and the rescue team is pleased with his work.
However, the Asian man with his supplies is nowhere to be found.
The rescue team walks around the island, searching for the Asian man and the supplies he was supposed to find, when suddenly the Asian man jumps out of the bushes and yells SUPPLIES!

When I manage a troupe of Eastern European acrobats...

they're going to be called "Czechs and Balances", it's the only logical choice.

From my 10 yo son: If you're American before you go into the bathroom, and you're American after you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

You're a Peein' (European)

I used to work in an eastern european fraud office.

I had to check czech cheques.

Did you know I have an international bathroom?

When you're heading there you're Russian

When you're in there European

and when you're done you're Finnish

*I'll show myself out*

Why don't Europeans have foot fetishes?

they use the metric system

Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

When is the only time you're not American?

When European.

If you are American when you go into the bathroom...

... and you are American when you come out of the bathroom. What are you while you are in the bathroom?

European!

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An Indian bends from the next table and says: "Be aware of that, we heavily underestimated that once"

The lifeguard at my local pool is racist...

How I know?

When he said I should leave, I asked why and he said, "European in the pool!"

You're American right before you enter a restroom but what are you once you're in there?

European.

UN sent a survey to children from different country: " Regarding the problem of food shortage in other countries, what's your opinion?" Surprisingly no kids understand the question.

American kids: "what's other countries ...?"
European kids: "what's shortage ...?"
Africa kids: "what's food ...?"
Chinese kids: "what's my opinion ...?"

I really like European food...

...so I decided to Russia over to a European restaurant because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

German Coast Guard

A Canadian ship is passing thru European waters. Suddenly, disaster strikes and they begin to take on water. The captain, in a panic, gets on his radio to send out an S.O.S. The only response he hears is the heavy accent of the German coast guard speaking broken English.

Captain: This is a Canadian merchant vessel requesting assistance!
Coast Guard: Yes, dis is za German coast guard. Vat is you emergency?
Captain: We are sinking, I repeat, we are sinking
Coast Guard: Good ya, Vat are you sinking about?

GovSchwarzenegger's musical talents.

One day Arnold Schwarzenegger and his two friends Bill and Tom were going for a stroll downtown.
Suddenly a man jumped out of a doorway and said "Help! We've just lost our three leads for our movie on famous European composers!"
Arnie and the boys, ever the gentlemen, decided to help the poor fellow.
Once inside, the director told them who the three composers in question were and that they could pick each part for themselves.
"I'll be Mozart." Said Bill.
"I'll be Beethoven!" Said Tom.
"I'll be Bach..."

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?"


Chinese guy replied "1 million for paint 1 million for labour 1 million profit."


Trump asked european guy, He replied-" 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit"



Trump asked Indian guy.. He replied."
4 million for you, 3 million for me and we will give 3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!


Indian got the contract !

Where do Europeans go for slurpies?

11/7

I broke up with my European girlfriend because we weren't on the same page.

I'm 8 1/2 x 11. She's A4.

It just didn't feel right. We didn't fit together.

What's it called when you beat your eastern European friend at strategy board games.

Czech Mate

If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?

European

What happened when the bankrupt eastern european jumped off a building?

The Czech bounced.

If you're Russian to the bathroom, and when you Finnish you walk out, what are you inside

European

You're American when...

(if you're not American, feel free to replace it with whatever you are)

After drinking a ton of liquids you go to the bathroom. You're American before you enter the restroom, and you're American after you exit the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

European

Europeans use too many gyros for the slaughter of animals. Let's alert PITA.

That was a terrible pun. I falafel.

A European pornstar was filming, after 3 minutes of recording they were done, the lady turned around and said 'is that all?'

He said sorry but I'm Finnish

How to make European jokes?

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