european Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious european stories

What are the best European puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about European? Well here is a complete list of European to have fun with:

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?


So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.


He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.


Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.


"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!


The leaders of 3 European countries hold a contest to see which one of them has the biggest penis.

The king of Spain lowers his trousers and the audience gasps, then cries "Viva Espana!" The king of France does the same, and his is even bigger. The audience shouts, "Vive La France!" The king of England disrobes, and after a moment of stunned silence, the audience yells, "God save the Queen!"


The other day my European friend ask me about our views on lesbians in this country.

Apparently, "usually in HD" was not the answer she was looking for

P.S sorry english not my native language


Four Europeans and a Juggler

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"



Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.

He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I'd like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."


European Heaven and Hell

In Heaven: the chefs are Italian, the lovers are French, the mechanics are German, the policemen are English, and it is all organized by the Swiss.

In Hell: the chefs are English, the lovers are Swiss, the mechanics are French, the police are German, and it is all organized by the Italians.


An International School Teacher

...starts a lesson with her 4 students, who are an American kid, an African kid, a European kid and a Chinese kid. She asks "what's your opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"
first, the African kid asks "what's food?"
the European kid asks "what's scarcity?"
the American kid asks "what's other countries?"
and finally the Chinese kid asks "what's my own opinion?"


What do you call an Eastern European cashier?

A Checkoutslovakian.

(Better said than read)


European Heaven (In honour of Berlusconi, enjoy your ban)

In the European Heaven: The police is British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the Italian are the lovers, and everything is run by the Swiss.

In European Hell: The police is German, the cooks are British, the mechanics are French, the Swiss are the lovers, and everything is run by the Italians.


What are you if you aren't European?


-my daughter


What's the difference between being England and peeing?

Urination and European.


If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you get out. What are you while you're in the bathroom?



A trucker walks into a bar demanding 2 beers...

he takes the first one, gargles and spit it back in the glass, then starts spitting on the ground. This goes on for about 10 minutes, till the barkeeper asks him "Buddy are you ok?". "Yeah" he replied "I just drove my truck in a ditch and some european asshole with his Audi A6 came along asking me if he should pull my truck out of the ditch". Disgusted he spits again on the floor "Then I said: If you can do this I'll give you a blowjob."


After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide



If European in the bathroom, who's the guy on the floor?



If you're Canadian before you enter the bathroom, and American when you leave, what are you inside?



Europeans: What's a good American joke in your country?

On the heels of the funny Italian joke ("Emma comes first …") what jokes do other countries tell about Americans?


When I manage a troupe of Eastern European acrobats...

they're going to be called "Czechs and Balances", it's the only logical choice.


Did you know I have an international bathroom?

When you're heading there you're Russian

When you're in there European

and when you're done you're Finnish

*I'll show myself out*


GovSchwarzenegger's musical talents.

One day Arnold Schwarzenegger and his two friends Bill and Tom were going for a stroll downtown.
Suddenly a man jumped out of a doorway and said "Help! We've just lost our three leads for our movie on famous European composers!"
Arnie and the boys, ever the gentlemen, decided to help the poor fellow.
Once inside, the director told them who the three composers in question were and that they could pick each part for themselves.
"I'll be Mozart." Said Bill.
"I'll be Beethoven!" Said Tom.
"I'll be Bach..."


what do you call a European porn star



You're American when...

(if you're not American, feel free to replace it with whatever you are)

After drinking a ton of liquids you go to the bathroom. You're American before you enter the restroom, and you're American after you exit the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?











If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?



Couldn't sleep

So I couldn't sleep last night, and in an effort to wind my brain down, I ended up looking up obscure European military facts.

Did you know there was once a unit in the Scottish armed forces that's only job was to watch over furniture?

Yep, they were called the Scotch Guard.


You're American when you go in to the bathroom, and American when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom?



A new craze sweeps an Eastern European nation

Though Transylvania is mostly rivers and mountains, a new outdoor sport is achieving newfound popularity. Folks have been flocking to the calmer parts of the Olt and Danube to try out for a crew, the competitive paddling fad usually found in lakes. In fact, the sport has spread from the region to the whole country.

Truly, the nation has Ro-mania.


If you're American when you go into the bathroom...

...and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?



Why do Europeans hate American food?

Europeans don't want to die yet.

Unlike Americans who don't wanna diet.


Two southern ladies on a porch

Two southern bells are sitting on a porch having tea.

Lady 1: Did you see the ring my Henry gave me? *extends hand*

Lady 2: My, that's nice.

Lady 1: And did you see the new car my Henry dear bought for my birthday?

Lady 2: My, that's nice.

Lady 1: Oh, and my Henry says he's taking me on a European vacation!

Lady 2: My, that's nice.

Lady 1: So what has your hubby done for you lately?

Lady 2: My hubby? Well my hubby paid for me to have etiquette lessons so I can say "My, that's nice," instead of "Fuck you."


If you're an American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?



Two men travel by train

The journey is very long as they need to cross several European countries. One of them constantly asks at which country they currently are out of boredom. The other man replies correctly by not even looking outside the window.

How do you do that without looking?

Every country has its very specific climate. It's not that hard. Here, let me show you.

He places his hand outside the window every few hours and replies.

Right now we are going through Germany, because my hand is wet.

Right now we are going through Greece, because my hand feels warm.

Right now we are going through Bulgaria, because … my watch is missing.


Three guys see a European man stretching across a lawn...

The First says: "That guy looks like Swede."

The Second says: "No no no, he is definitely Italian."

The Third says: "C'mon guys! He's definitely a SpanYard!"

I'll see myself out.


My european friend Opee is opening up a restaurant where he claims to have the 'worlds best pizza'. His restaurant is in the middle of no where, but don't worry

Opee Delivers


Miles Davis

Is 1,6 times longer than his European cousin Kilometers Davis


A drunk man walks up to an Englishman pissing on a tree...

And says, "Yurr ahh.... European!"


Some people like those European youngsters...

But I prefer the euthanasia


How did the Europeans find the West?

By Occident.


The French Army uniform

At an 18th century European peace conference, a French General struck up a conversation with a British General. The Frenchman asks the Brit, "Why is that your troops go into battle in those bright red coats? They seem awfully garish and opponents can see them coming from a mile away." "Well," says the Brit, "the red coats are so that if a soldier is wounded his fellows won't be able to see the blood and despair." "How clever," responds the French General. "I can see the wisdom in that. As a matter of fact something like that might benefit my troops as well!" And from that day forward, the French army has always gone into battle in brown pants.


If your American before you are in the bathroom, and American after you use the bathroom, what are you while your in the bathroom?



Smelly Roommate (Anthony Jeselnik)

I once had this Eastern European roommate who never showered or used deodorant. He smelled awful and after a while it got unbearable. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he smelled bad, so I left him a note one morning in the bathroom, "Dear Olaf, get out of my country"

-Anthony Jeselnik


What's the difference between a computer and a European?

A computer doesn't have a problem exiting.


An American, African, Middle-Eastern person, and European are asked a question:

"What is your opinion of the food shortages in the rest of the world?"

The African says, "What's 'food'?"

The European says, "What's a 'shortage'?"

The American says, "What's 'the rest of the world'?"

The Middle-Eastern person says, "What's an 'opinion'?"


My Car's Acting Up (Physics)

I love my car; driven it for years but, over the last few days, it's clear that something's wrong. No car acts this way so I have to find a shop, and fast. I'm new in town so I pick a name that sounds trustworthy and European: Schrodinger Auto.

What's the problem? The mechanic asks.

The car's running fine; no crazy noises from the engine, no loss of power or control but for the last few days, whenever I drive it anywhere, people are honking at me and yelling because the car's, well…jizzing all over the place.

I expected him to laugh or throw me out but he runs to his office instead. He's so busy calling all his friends to tell them the story that I can't even get him to start in on the car.

What's the deal!?

Your car is in a state of superposition, you see. He explains, It's both cumming and going.


Breaking news - The CIA/NSA has decided to stop spying on our European allies...

And will now promise to spy on Americans twice as hard.


What term is used to describe a phenomenon where a European mans ejaculates prematurely?

Pole Position


If you're American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?



Graduation Trip

This past year, I graduated college, and decided to take a trip with a few buddies. We had some money left over from our college funds, and decided we would visit Europe. We had originally intended to go hiking in different European countries for a couple of weeks.

At my Graduation ceremony, my grandparents showed up, and upon learning that I was going to Europe, and going to HIKE, of all things, my grandpa had this to say:

"Thats no way to spend your time. . . why, when I was your age, I went to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, Drank all night, Fucked the dancers, Pissed on the barman, and left without paying! Now thats how you live a little, grandson."

So I talked with my friends, and we decided we would spend a week hiking, then a few days in Amsterdam, and then stop in Paris the last night to do just that.

When I arrived home, in crutches, mind you, I visited my grandparents again. My eyes were blackened, nose bloodied, and had a few teeth chipped, along with a bruised rib and sprained wrist.

My grandpa says "Sweet baby Jesus, what the hell has happened to you?!"

"I did what you said Grandpa, I went to Moulin Rouge, Drank all night, Fucked a Dancer, pissed on the Barman, and tried to leave without paying, and they beat the shit out of me."

"Oh my, who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why, who did you go with?"

"The S.S."


What European city is home to the most Indians?



American Pilot flies into Berlin airport

Once upon a time there was an American bomber pilot who flew sorties in the European theatre during WW2. Later, he became a commercial pilot for American Airlines, and one day his flight was coming into Berlin airport. The pilot asks for landing instructions and the Berlin air-traffic controller in a heavy German accent says "American heavy 777 take runway ninety-one west." The pilot responds "I'm not familiar with landing in Berlin, where is ninety-one west?" The German air traffic controller replies in a snotty tone "Have you never flown to Berlin before?!?" the American Airlines pilot responds "Yeah, but the last time I was here I didn't land." True story.



You've read some of the best european jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty european gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these european jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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