eulogy Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious eulogy puns

This woman is at her 95 year old fathers funeral

and she is sitting next to her 95 year old mother. While the eulogy is being read, the daughter leans over to her mother and says "Mom, you were there when dad died weren't you?" The mother said "Yes." The daughter asked, "Mom, how did he die?" The mother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex." The daughter said "Mom! Don't you think that 95 years old is a little old to be having sex?! Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?!" The mother said "Well no, we found that the perfect time to do it was on Sunday because from our bedroom we could hear the church bells ringing. This was his perfect rhythm. He would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong. And he would still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't rolled by."

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The guys go to the funeral of their life-long pal...

After a long eulogy and some beautiful music, the guys are overcome with emotion. The first guy walks up to the casket of his buddy.

"I know it's just a small token, but for everything you've ever done for me, buddy, all the times you helped me out. This is the least I could do."

He tucks a $50 bill into his buddy's tuxedo pocket, and he staggers away sobbing.

The second man, inspired by the gesture, walks up and places his own $50 bill in his buddy's pocket. "For all the beers you bought me, that I never had a chance to pay you back for." And he staggers away sobbing.

The third man, a lawyer, not to be out-done, says, "I know it's just a small gesture, but for all the times you've been there for me when I needed you, here's a token of my gratitude."

And he writes a check for $150, and takes the two fifties in change.

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A Gamer Just Died.

And his family are having the funeral for him. His girlfriend shows up and notices 2 japanese men in suits sitting in the front row.

After the eulogy, they all go into the cemetery to bury him and the odd men keep following. The girlfriend gets concerned and asks the gamers friend who they are.

"Oh those are Konami Reps." He says.

"What are they doing here" asks the girlfriend.

"They're the ones lowering him into the grave."

"Why would they do that?"

"Cause they're great at letting people down."

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A cardiologist died...

..and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart, covered in flowers, stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside, forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said: "I'm sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral..I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.

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Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?"

After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."

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Cardiologist's Funeral

 A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

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A young woman married and had 13 children

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7
more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving
woman who fulfilled his commandment to Go forth and multiply.

In his final eulogy, he noted, Thank you, Lord, they're finally together.

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, Do you think he means her first, second or third
husband?

The other mourner then replied, I think he means her legs.

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She married and had 6 children

Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 3 more children.

Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 4 more children.

At last, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."

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3 men at a funeral..

3 men are at a mutual friend's funeral and witness a really beautiful eulogy. At the reception afterwards, the three of them are sitting together and talking about the funeral when one of them says "Wow, that was really beautiful. What would you guys like to be said about you when you die?" The first says "I devoted a lot of my life to my medical practice. I really hope they talk about what a great doctor I was and how many lives I saved". The second says "I spent a lot of time with my family and really raised my kids well. I hope they talk about how great of a father and husband I was." The third says "I hope they say 'LOOK he's moving!' "

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Public speaking is the #1 fear of the average person. #2 is death.

This means that at a funeral, more people would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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The best tailor in town died.

He was given a fitting eulogy.

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Why is it so easy to write a eulogy?

You only need the introduction and the conclusion.

The body is already there.

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According to most studies, people's No.1 fear is public speaking. No.2 is death.

Death is No.2... Does that sound right? This means, to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy...

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Studies have shown that public speaking is the thing that people fear the most. The second most-common fear is death.

This means that most people would rather be the one in the casket rather than the one giving the eulogy.

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Public Speaking

They say Public Speaking is the number 1 fear, number 2 being death.
Meaning that at a funeral, you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy!

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Father-in-law's funeral

A man was sitting next to his wife at her father's funeral when someone sitting next to him let loose a "silent-but-*deadly*" fart during the eulogy. Without thinking, the main blurted out, "Jesus, it smells like something died in here"

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Turns out the number 1 fear people have is public speaking. Number 2 being death.....

Meaning that at a funeral you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy

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A Rabbi is giving a eulogy...

And it comes to the point in the service where he is supposed to extol the virtues of the deceased.

Rabbi: "Alas, I did not know this man, I am new here. Would anyone care to speak on his behalf?"

Silence through the crowd.

A voice from the back calls out:

"His brother was worse!"

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What did the neckbeard say while giving the eulogy for his extremely flatulent friend?

Rip in peace

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A heroin addict has overdosed and died,

So a friend of the deceased is giving the eulogy at the funeral, saying;

"He died doing what he loved.

Heroin."

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What are the most funny Eulogy jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Eulogy? Well, here are the best Eulogy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Eulogy pick up lines to share with friends.

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