Eternity Jokes
52 eternity jokes and hilarious eternity puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about eternity that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Eternity Short Jokes
Short eternity jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The eternity humour may include short eternal jokes also.
- Devil: This is the lake of lava you will be spending eternity in Me: Actually, since we're underground, it would be magma
Devil: You understand this is why you're here, right? - And God said to John: "Come forth and receive eternal life". But he came fifth and won a toaster.
- I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- There's a greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks
- And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life' Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
- What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
- Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life. But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.
- I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space, the beginning of every end, And the end of every place. What am I? The letter 'e'.
- What’s the difference between an accordion heaven and hell? In heaven, the music is divine, and in hell, it’s an eternal polka party.
- Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to Satan? He is now forced to make presents in the North Pole for all eternity.
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Eternity One Liners
Which eternity one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with eternity? I can suggest the ones about eternal life and everlasting.
- What's the meaning of eternal love? Two blind people playing tennis.
- What`s the definition of eternity? The time between when you come and when she leaves.
- Whats longer, forever or eternity? Eternity. It has 8 letters.
- What's the definition of eternity 4 blondes at a 4 way stop
- Did you hear about elon musk sending a tesla car into space? To *drift* for all eternity
- I discovered that the secret to eternal life is never dying.
- If you believe in eternity then You believe there is no end. omega mistake if you ask me!
- Jesus died on a Friday That's why on Black Friday we get eternal savings.
- Why won't you find any gondolas in the Eternal City? Because Rome wasn't built in a bay.
- Why did Nietzche's Shop go out of business? He accepted eternal returns.
- What's grey, has wings and feels like eternity for swine? A Pigeon
- Only Christians will get this... Eternal life.
- and the lord said unto John, come forth and receive eternal life...
- I hope I will get a girlfriend before I die. It turns out I get an eternal life
- Why do frat bros hate fruit loops? They're eternally disappointed by two-can Sam.
Uproarious Eternity Jokes to Share with Friends
What funny jokes about eternity you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean forever jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make eternity pranks.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Six months
A woman is told by her doctor that she has six months to live.
"Is there anything I can do?" she asks.
"Yes, there is," the doctor replies. "You could marry a tax accountant."
"How will that help my illness?" the woman asks.
"Oh, it won't help your illness," says the doctor, "but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Man and the Genie.
A genie appears to a man and offers him three wishes. However, the genie explains there are a few stipulations. None of these wishes can have anything to do with eternal life, s**..., or money. The man mulls it over for a minute and finally looks up at the genie.
"I think I'm good then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
Eternal life
Police have arrested a man for selling pills that promise eternal life.
Records show that it was the fourth time he has been arrested. His previous arrests were in 1760,1839, and 1946.
Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...
"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Optimism
The eternal belief that you're always one-third of the way to a t**....
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
My girlfriend and I got in a fight the other day...
After a minute, she said "This is the last straw" and left.
I panicked. I called and texted wondering where she was.
After what felt like an eternity, she comes walking in the front door with groceries. Confused, I said, "I thought you were gone forever? I thought you were done with me."
She said "No honey...I told you...we ran out of straws..."
Say what you will about Trump's Presidency, but you can't overlook what he has accomplished in terms of healthcare specifically life expectancy...
He managed to turn one year into something that feels like an eternity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite lame joke
And God said unto John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.
But john came fifth, and won a toaster.
I know, it's s**... and overused, but it's my favorite...
When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?
Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.
Adam and Eve had been brainstorming with God for what felt like an eternity.
"Two dozen hours?" asked Adam.
"One seventh of a week?" suggested Eve.
God shook his head and sighed. "Let's just call it a day."
A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"
"Get married," replies the Rabbi.
"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"
"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.
News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.
Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.
A man asked a wise Guru: "What is the secret to eternal happiness?"
The wise Guru answered: "To not argue with fools."
The man says: "I disagree."
The wise Guru replied: "Yes, you are right."
A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...
God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.
The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.
God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.
The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?
That one. Enjoy eternity!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man was sent to h**... after his death..
As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman.
What a joke! he said. I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman. Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, Who are you to question that woman's punishment?
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A cosmonaut c**... lands
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft c**... lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere. After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic, dirty, with foul smells and he is really bandaged from head to foot and sees a very large, somewhat gruff looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies, "You came here yerster dye."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sad first attempt at a joke
(It's my first time posting here. Don't blame me for the terrible joke lol)
A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.
Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a case again. You will be famous. You will be wealthy beyond your wildest imagination.
Lawyer: What's the catch?
Satan: I want the souls of your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children and all your future descendants for d**... in h**... for all eternity.
Lawyer: Okay, but what's the catch?
At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.
The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.
The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.
"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.
Everyone present turned their gazes to the dean, who was illuminated by a faint halo.
A colleague whispered, "Tell me something."
The dean, who had gained eternal wisdom, sighed and said, "I should have chosen eternal riches."
Helen Keller's Favorite Joke
What do you call two blind people playing tennis?
Eternal love.
After a freak accident; Zlatan, Messi and Ronaldo enter the kingdom of heaven.
Messi is first to be judged by the lord, God looks upon Messi and says "Messi, you shall sit on my right side" and Messi takes his rightful place.
Ronaldo is next up and God tell him "Ah, Ronaldo, You shall be seated at my left side for eternity"
Then Zlatan walks up and says "Move over, you are in my spot"
What did the accordion player say when he got to heaven? “I hope there’s an eternal jam session up here!”
